Is maintenance sex yuck or yay?

[smilingcaz]

What do you think about maintenance sex?

Where you do it even if you’re not in the mood

To be clear, this is not doing it because you’re being coerced, guilt tripped or forced into it

This is doing it when you could easily say you’re tired, got too much to do or don’t feel like it

Because if you keep waiting for you both to be in the mood, not tired, kids asleep, house to be tidy, to do list to be all done ….. well you could be waiting forever

And that if you sometimes do it even when everything’s not perfect it will keep your sex life (and marriage) ticking along

What do you think about maintenance sex? Yuck or Yay

Often I feel like I’m not in the mood but I get in the mood if that makes sense. I don’t think there is anything wrong with encouraging yourself to make the effort.

I wouldn’t have sex I didn’t want, because it sounds horrendous and I wouldn’t want DH to have sex he didn’t want with me… but I would make an effort to try and get myself into the mood if it has been a while and I thought I’d been impacted by external things.

If I was consistently not wanting to have sex I'd be worried. But when I was married we probably had an ideal sex frequency of 1-2 times per week v 4-5 times per week so I would sometimes have the extra session for closeness etc even if I could have happily not bothered. However if it wasn't enjoyable I wouldn't have done it.

I'm up for it. But I'm talking how Caitlin Moran describes it: we're older, busier, a bit tired, but most importantly we're in a happy relationship.
If we're not careful, 3 weeks could slip by.
Sosometimes we plan it, in a lighthearted way 'fancy a bit of maintenance?'
And it's generally a lovely thing, once we get going.
And then, more often than not, we end up having sex spontaneously a few days later.
As Caitlin points out, if you leave it too look, it starts to feel like quite a peculiar thing to do, and you forget what goes where.
Lighthearted, but sort of serious too.
What I wouldn't do, is have maintenance sex that was solely to prevent a partner clearing off, or if the relationship wasn't otherwise good.
I was amused to see this thread pop up as we did exactly this yesterday, and I was pondering what MN would make of it this morning!

Yuck.
Wouldn't take advice from Caitlin Moran either. "Fancy a bit of maintenance?" - double yuck.

Exactly as op said, opportunities to ban spontaneous moments when you both just happen to be in the mood are vastly reduced these days, especially now the kids stay up later and the house carries sound!
Happy relationship, I want sex with DH it's only the timing and opportunity that don't always match with the urge.
So I make the effort when it's happily read a book or something... Always get into once I've got started though. 🙂

Yes, I do this. I've been with my dh for 26 yrs, very happy over the years and like a normal couple our sex life has had ups and downs over the years. 2 small-ish children and busy with work, kids clubs etc. I've also found recently that my libido has been declining and I have been instigating sex less. Like a pp said, sometimes we can realise that a few weeks have gone by without it happening. Sometimes I think it does need a little effort to begin with. Though I usually end up enjoying and it helps to keep up the intimacy.

Lost Things bit of a sense of humour bypass there

I agree with others about it being fine and healthy as long as it’s not to prevent a partner sulking or whatever.

I’ve been with DH for ages. I often would rather read a book. I think it’s important to make time to tune into sex, look forward to it, remember how to derive pleasure from it etc. What other thing in our lives of comparable importance only gets done at 22.30 every x weeks once we’re knackered after a long day?

I think it’s quite important in a LTR, a week can easily become a month / 3 months/ 6 months and then it becomes really awkward to ‘get going again’, and you can end up in the position of one partner feeling rejected/ dejected/ unwanted.

If I'm really exhausted I won't do it, but if I'm just a bit tired and we've not had any in a few days, I'll make the effort. I always enjoy it once we get started.

Why are women so tired they are having maintenance sex to keep their partners happy?

Me and my husband are both unwell so we don't really do spontaneous sex so we make an effort to either have sex or depending on health touch and mutual masturbation on Sundays.
Sounds routine but we always really enjoy it once we get into it and helps keep us connected, as there was a point it was 6 week's without and we lost the intimacy and I felt really shit and unloved.

So for me yey to "maintenance" sex.

Yes, I think sex is often the glue that holds a relationships together, not just physically but also because it is emotionally very nurturing. It also gives me a great nights sleep and makes us a bit more relaxed so it’s easier to handle the stresses and strains of busy lives. It’s an important contributor to my physical and mental well-being. Sometimes it feels like preparing for exercise - you can’t be bothered and you’ve too much to do, but once you get going and afterwards you’re so glad you did it.

@Thelnebriati

Why are women so tired they are having maintenance sex to keep their partners happy?

In our house, we're both quite tired, and we schedule it in because we both enjoy it. It's certainly not to keep DH happy. I don't think it needs to be a feminist issue. I agree in can be though.

Beyond vomitworthy. 🤮

I don't really think of it as maintenance sex; I just think of it as sex.

I'm only really properly in the mood for it when I'm ovulating, but we have sex every day. If we don't, we don't communicate as well in terms of day to day things and we are both less affectionate and grumpy.

I've never had sex I didn't want to have, but I've often given it a go when I didn't feel super up for it at the outset. The times I didn't quickly get into it and end up thoroughly enjoying it have been literally once or twice over nearly 20 years (and on those occasions, I said so and we stopped).

I am a fan. The connection is important to both of us and we're both committed to keeping it alive, by making time for sex and giving it a go even if we aren't necessarily feeling outrageously sexy when the other person first makes a move.

It depends on the situation. There's a difference between pushing yourself to get in the mood when you didn't really feel like it but ending up enjoying it, and having regular sex that you don't want and knocks you sick just because you feel you have to.

Nobody should ever have sex that they neither want nor enjoy.

Yes I do this. Didn't realise it's a thing.

Don't really feel like it (and DP probably doesn't either) but once we get going it's great.

On the face of it it's yuk, but actually, assuming you like your partner, you often find that your are "in the mood" once you start, if say, you were tired or just out of the habit.

I do think there's value in not letting a sex life die through neglect.

I think the term isn't very nice - I prefer 'scheduling' sex but horses for courses. Of course there will be women on here who say it's gross, that it's about keeping a man happy (what, don't women like sex?), that sex is rubbish if not spontaneous and they have it every day.

For the vast majority of people that isn't true. Scheduling sex works for a lot of people. Sometimes to ensure you do it to maintain that physical and emotional bond, sometimes it's selfish sex so one can get off, it also adds anticipation. When you first meet your partner you go on dates, you know you'll be getting some that night. That disappears for most in a LTR.

I'm all for it and need to put my money where my mouth is and do it myself.

When menopause came, my drive just went away so I focused more on the mental part of it as long as I could. Sometimes I was thinking just hurry up and finish and get off of me.
My GP wasn't listening to me about HRT.
It got to the point where it was too painful to do PIV so I did other things.

I'm so glad I've seen this. My DH and I haven't had sex for months. We had our first baby last year. It hurt a bit when we started doing it again, and I got put off a bit. Then baby stopped sleeping and I was a zombie fit months. I'm now in the "I'm too tired / shattered / house is a mess / I'm a mess" category.

We need to get it going again.

Heres the question though - do men ever have maintenance sex when they don't feel like it?

When they are tired or have a headache or want to watch tv or play a videogame or get an early night instead. Do they ever have maintenance sex because they worry you might want it?

I'm betting, no.

And unfortunately, this makes this a feminist issue. And means that no, I dont personally agree with maintainance sex. I can see why we do it. But i dont believe we should. For the most part.