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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is maintenance sex yuck or yay?

76 replies

smilingcaz · 05/08/2021 08:53

What do you think about maintenance sex?

Where you do it even if you’re not in the mood

To be clear, this is not doing it because you’re being coerced, guilt tripped or forced into it

This is doing it when you could easily say you’re tired, got too much to do or don’t feel like it

Because if you keep waiting for you both to be in the mood, not tired, kids asleep, house to be tidy, to do list to be all done ….. well you could be waiting forever

And that if you sometimes do it even when everything’s not perfect it will keep your sex life (and marriage) ticking along

What do you think about maintenance sex? Yuck or Yay

OP posts:
mafted · 05/08/2021 11:14

I used to when we had very small children. I don't have to since DH started working away, less opportunity seems to make me be up for it more.

JustAnother0ldMan · 05/08/2021 11:16

@Umberellatheweatha

Heres the question though - do men ever have maintenance sex when they don't feel like it?

When they are tired or have a headache or want to watch tv or play a videogame or get an early night instead. Do they ever have maintenance sex because they worry you might want it?

I'm betting, no.

And unfortunately, this makes this a feminist issue. And means that no, I dont personally agree with maintainance sex. I can see why we do it. But i dont believe we should. For the most part.

Yes I have
BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 05/08/2021 11:17

Heres the question though - do men ever have maintenance sex when they don't feel like it?

I have a higher drive than DH. He has often "given it a go" when I've initiated.

What makes you think men wouldn't also prioritise giving sex a go when they initially might rather just slump watching TV?

Also, I don't think we're talking about sex one is having because they "worry the other might want it". We're talking about sex both parties have because they value their sexual connection.

mafted · 05/08/2021 11:18

@Umberellatheweatha

Heres the question though - do men ever have maintenance sex when they don't feel like it?

When they are tired or have a headache or want to watch tv or play a videogame or get an early night instead. Do they ever have maintenance sex because they worry you might want it?

I'm betting, no.

And unfortunately, this makes this a feminist issue. And means that no, I dont personally agree with maintainance sex. I can see why we do it. But i dont believe we should. For the most part.

I think DH has definitely performed out of duty. When TTC and it all got a bit functional and also in two of my pregnancies I was up for it all the time.
Tocktock · 05/08/2021 11:26

@Umberellatheweatha

Heres the question though - do men ever have maintenance sex when they don't feel like it?

When they are tired or have a headache or want to watch tv or play a videogame or get an early night instead. Do they ever have maintenance sex because they worry you might want it?

I'm betting, no.

And unfortunately, this makes this a feminist issue. And means that no, I dont personally agree with maintainance sex. I can see why we do it. But i dont believe we should. For the most part.

I think it really does depend on the relationship.
FinallyHere · 05/08/2021 11:28

what matters is what happens if one or other of you want to stop

Any hint of coercion to continue (or start in the first place) is not OK.

Freely entered into and free to stop at any time, hell yes, I'd give it a go.

BaronessOfTheNorth · 05/08/2021 11:29

@Umberellatheweatha

Heres the question though - do men ever have maintenance sex when they don't feel like it?

When they are tired or have a headache or want to watch tv or play a videogame or get an early night instead. Do they ever have maintenance sex because they worry you might want it?

I'm betting, no.

And unfortunately, this makes this a feminist issue. And means that no, I dont personally agree with maintainance sex. I can see why we do it. But i dont believe we should. For the most part.

Yes, my husband definitely does this. When I'm stressed out because of work or I've had a tricky day of parenting (!), he knows that's what makes me feel so much better. He instigates it although he's not massively in the mood.

Conversely, if he is stressed out, I know that will make him feel better.

The rest of the time, we just have morning sex. It's part of our daily routine and I love it. So sometimes we will have sex twice a day.

However, we have a very equal relationship with great communication and intimacy. I understand that some may not and people may have sex purely to stop the other person from being unkind to them, which is not a good situation.

TerraNovaTwo · 05/08/2021 11:29

Yuck. It's on the continuum of sexual and psychological abuse IME.

MadameMonk · 05/08/2021 11:29

Sure men do it too. If we’re mainly talking about long-term couples, who take the approach of ‘fake it till you make it’ or give their participation partially as a gift. I know quite a few male (middle-aged?) friends who would be fully up for this regularly. And be grateful to be offered it in return one day.

Hell, I got this ‘service’ from a straight male FWB partner just this week. Happy to give, when he realised I was feeling down and stressed. Knew it before I did. Not like he got nothing out of it. And even when I realised, it didn’t bother me.

If sex connection isn’t about ‘give and take’ in this way, you’re doing it with the wrong person.

mistermagpie · 05/08/2021 11:29

I see it like going for a run (or the gym or wherever equivalent you have), I sometimes feel like I can't be arsed but I know I'll enjoy it when I'm doing it and will feel great after! So yes, sometimes I talk myself into it a bit I suppose but I always enjoy it once we've started.

We have three kids aged 6 and under so time and energy are in short supply, if I didn't take the above approach then we would probably never do it...

mistermagpie · 05/08/2021 11:31

@Umberellatheweatha

Heres the question though - do men ever have maintenance sex when they don't feel like it?

When they are tired or have a headache or want to watch tv or play a videogame or get an early night instead. Do they ever have maintenance sex because they worry you might want it?

I'm betting, no.

And unfortunately, this makes this a feminist issue. And means that no, I dont personally agree with maintainance sex. I can see why we do it. But i dont believe we should. For the most part.

My DH doesn't have the biggest sex drive and I know her certainly did this when we were TTC.
PieceOfString · 05/08/2021 11:34

My dh has definitely done some heavy lifting in keeping things alive for us when I've needed extra care and attention. It goes both ways in a good relationship.

Inthesameboat2 · 05/08/2021 11:38

I do, but otoh, my dh wouldn't.

If he didn't feel like it, it just wouldn't happen (been there, done that).

Years ago, I had the much higher sex drive and, unless he was in the mood, nothing happened.

Now, with (I think) perimenopause, etc, I'm just not interested and have no libido at all, but I never refuse when he instigates it, even though he would if roles were reversed and it was him that wasn't fussed.

Never really analysed why I'm like this.

SparklingLime · 05/08/2021 11:39

Caitlin Moran has announced that she and her husband have their maintenance sex at 8am on Fridays. So anyone can send encouraging thoughts or schedule theirs concurrently, should you wish.

Inthesameboat2 · 05/08/2021 11:42

In general though, we do get on better when we're having regular sex, as there's more intimacy and closeness.

NautaOcts · 05/08/2021 11:55

Don’t like the term…
But I think ‘wanting it’ can come in different forms.
Wanting it because you feel horny
Wanting it because you want the intimacy
Wanting it because it’s been a while

GiveMeAUserName123 · 05/08/2021 12:02

Only on mumsnet does maintenance sex get seen as a women only thing, men do it too.

It’s just part and parcel of a relationship, you have to put effort into it when you’ve been together along time. It’s very much like exercise, you can’t be bothered but once you get into it, it’s enjoyable.

I wouldn’t do it if it’s absolutely didn’t want too though, but I don’t think there’s ever been a time like that, maybe because my guy isn’t an arsehole, I imagine that helps.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 05/08/2021 12:02

If neither of you are bothered, why bother at all? Lack of sex is only a problem when one person in the couple is unhappy about it or there are mismatched sex drives. If you both don't mind then it's fine and no-one else's business.

In the grand scheme of things, recreational sex between long term couples has only even been possible, safely, for a tiny amount of time in human history, since contraception has been more reliable. Before then for the whole of human history it was either a case of doing something else and not having penetrative sex, refraining, or being pregnant all the time. And while some women were pregnant all the time clearly a lot were not. Both men's and women's sex drives tail off at the time when it's more risky to continue to procreate. We should listen to our bodies and the natural rhythm of life sometimes and not have incredibly high expectations of fantastic sex for life portrayed in romantic novels, films and TV.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 05/08/2021 12:11

In fact, if neither party in the couple is that bothered about having sex and are just going through the motions, really it's more performance sex than maintenance. Performing an external expectation of what a relationship should be imposed by romantic novels. No-one is watching or assessing you (unless you are in to that kind of thing!), you don't have to perform a perfect relationship for other people's eyes.

Brainwave89 · 05/08/2021 12:25

I think a very large number of us have had sex when it was not our top priority. I also suspect there have been times when I have quite fancied a bit and my DH has not as well, but has obliged. So long as this is genuine give and take I think this is normal

bigbaggyeyes · 05/08/2021 12:41

It's a bit like going to the gym, you know it's healthy but on occasions you can't be arsed, once you're there you enjoy it and glad you made the effort to go.

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 05/08/2021 14:14

I wouldn't if I really didn't feel like it but if I feel just tired I would be up for some lazy sex and once we get going I usually really enjoy it. Occasionally I've done it where I haven't come but carry on for my DP to enjoy once we started but definitely wouldn't force myself and DP wouldn't want me to.

cookiecreampie · 05/08/2021 14:52

@Thelnebriati

Why are women so tired they are having maintenance sex to keep their partners happy?
4 kids can tire you out. DH works full time so majority of their care is down to me, though when he's off, he does equal to me.
mamamamame · 05/08/2021 15:23

Why are women so tired they are having maintenance sex to keep their partners happy?

I mean, have you had kids??

mamamamame · 05/08/2021 15:25

Also, for those saying it's borderline abuse, it's not, as long as everyone's consenting. Look up Esther Perel the amazing sex and relationships therapist. She recommends this in long term relationships.