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Relationships

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Original poster

Needing “space”

101 replies

Aaaalltheboys · 03/08/2021 23:36

My boyfriend wants “space” for 4 days to consider whether he wants to be in a relationship with me or not. I have asked him not to string this out if he has already made his mind up. He assures me he hasn’t and just needs “space”. I am finding this painful and difficult and am in a lose lose position as he has made it clear he doesn’t want to hear from me in any form over these days. Is space something some people just need? I am not of that ilk so struggling to understand it.

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 04/08/2021 12:05

If someone fobades you from communicating with them then the relationship is toxic, you would not put up with this from family and friends, the only reason you would is if you are the OW.

If that is the case op and he is in a possition of authority at work, I would seek advice as he may try to discard you at work too.

Crikeyalmighty · 04/08/2021 12:10

If you don’t live together then he is already getting plenty of space- so he either wants the relationship or he doesn’t and sounds like he doesn’t.

LatentPhase · 04/08/2021 12:18

Ah, OP. I think the best chance of dignity here is:

to know deep down that this relationship is a non starter. He is suspicious of you? Fuck that! Your spidey senses are going off. Ignore at your peril.

After the requisite four days announce to him that you have found the ‘space’ very helpful. That this isn’t working out. No hard feelings. Hope you enjoyed your weekend. See you at work.

In the meantime see your mates and execute the breakup protocol. Friends, pizza, chocs, romcoms. For one week only.

Then move on

IsThePopeCatholic · 04/08/2021 12:31

He’s a lying, cheating, coward. Do yourself a favour, just bin him, op.

lobsterkiller · 04/08/2021 12:34

Ah, OP. I think the best chance of dignity here is:

to know deep down that this relationship is a non starter. He is suspicious of you? Fuck that! Your spidey senses are going off. Ignore at your peril.

After the requisite four days announce to him that you have found the ‘space’ very helpful. That this isn’t working out. No hard feelings. Hope you enjoyed your weekend. See you at work.

In the meantime see your mates and execute the breakup protocol. Friends, pizza, chocs, romcoms. For one week only.

Then move on flowers

Perfect response.

TomAllenWife · 04/08/2021 12:36

OP I've been where you are with gas lighters and love bombers
It's so confusing and messes with your sanity

I remember during one of my 'relationships' my boss said 'you know it shouldn't be this hard'

And she was so right

When I met my fiancé he never messed me around, was always honest about what he was doing, never made me question anything. He made time for me and never put any restrictions in place.

I would phone him and say thanks for the 6 months but I deserve better! Bye!!!
And believe it because you really do deserve better than this
He is of course 'visiting family' for 4 days and he will make his decision after that

Fustyoldface · 04/08/2021 12:37

Trust your gut. He says your suspicious. I bet. He is projecting. Don’t be treated like this op, it will get worse down the line and you’ll wish you had got out now. Give him a jab to the ego and just say more than 4 days suits me, all the best for the future. Be business like and cold.

You will look back and be very happy that it ended now I promise you

TiredButDancing · 04/08/2021 12:38

Wanting some space in the form of some time alone is completely different to wanting space for 4 days so he can think about whether he wants to be with you. WTAF?

It's incredibly cruel. If nothing else, even if he isn't sure, it would have been easy enough to say that he's going to have a couple of days with v little comms to spend some time alone or whatever.

I don't think it's weird that you're suspicious and I really am not convinced this relationship is going anywhere. Also agree that he's probably spending these four days with someone else.

Viddy2021 · 04/08/2021 12:56

Dump Block and Rock onto happiness with someone worthy 🌸

This.

SarahBellam · 04/08/2021 13:05

I would message him now, at the beginning of his 4 day secret shagathon and tell him you’ve been having a think and you don’t think it’s working out. You’ve had a great time but it’s time to move on. Have a lovely weekend and I’ll see you at work. All the best.

May as well take the gloss off his ‘space’.

rainbowlou · 04/08/2021 13:14

My ex was like this, he would start petty little rows on a Thursday, on Friday he would tell me he needed space and wanted no contact for the whole weekend.
Unsurprisingly (I later found out) he was out acting like a single man and came crawling back in a Monday.
My big regret is that I didn’t have the courage to call him out and dump him the first time.
I was so miserable and every time he needed his ‘space’ my self esteem took another beating.
You deserve more than this, make his mind up for him before he gets his 4 days of freedom thinking he gets to call all
The shots.

BarefootHippieChick · 04/08/2021 13:21

I was also wondering if you might be the other woman. A couple of things stand out for me. You've been together 6 months and yet only see each other twice a week which doesn't seem much to me, usually by that point couples are wanting to spend more time together. And if you only see him twice a week why does he need space? Also, have you met his family and why does he have to spend 3 days a week with them every week? You mentioned he originally tried to end it with you which should probably tell you something. I think there's a better man out there for you tbh.

Opentooffers · 04/08/2021 14:14

You said he was trying to end it, therefore, I think your reaction to that made it hard, so he stopped short of telling you it's over, whimped out if you like. I think you will find this has already ended in his mind really, he just didn't want to have to deal with the fallout in person.
That urge to meet and talk you have, that's just about a longing to see him again. Next you'll be telling yourself it's about 'closure'. I doubt a meet would achieve anything and I suspect he will avoid seeing you now, pretty much like he swerved out of telling you straight. If anything, you might get more info via text, however, the reason is not actually important as you should not go down the route of trying to convince someone to be with you, who clearly doesn't.

billy1966 · 04/08/2021 14:22

@SarahBellam

May as well take the gloss off his ‘space’.

Do this if you wish to maintain some dignity.

Ask for a meeting to drag things out is not wise.

If you have a working relationship, you need to focus on that.

Getting involved with colleagues that you work with is a BAD idea.

I strongly suggest you stop being directed by your emotions and start thinking about your job that pays your bills.

Extract yourself from this with the above message and smile and "fake it till you make it".

Do not be dragged into a drama narrative that will make you the object of gossip, pity, or sniggering.

In the long run you will be so grateful if you are ruled by your head in this matter.

TheFoundations · 04/08/2021 14:34

@Aaaalltheboys

The only way to regain “control” is to force an outcome that I don’t actually want. I am tying myself in knots over this and of course the only person who can answer all my questions is him.

You feel like an idiot, you suspect gaslighting, he suddenly and unexpectedly changed, he was about to end the relationship based on facts he had wrong about you, and you're tying yourself in knots.

Does any of this make you happy? Because this is what a relationship with him looks like in the honeymoon period. This is the bit where he'll be breaking his neck to get across to you what a great guy he is.

Don't you want to feel comfortable, content, trusting, satisfied, and that your partner is loyal and has your best interests at heart?

Stop worrying about 'what people need'. There's no external rulebook. Some people need lots of time to themselves, some don't. You don't alter your needs to fit someone else's. You find someone with whom you feel that your needs are sufficiently met, without the need for such dramatics.

These 4 days are all about him, and to hell with your wellbeing. If you're considering agreeing, despite the fact it makes you feel so shit, then you are colluding in the 'to hell with your wellbeing' idea.

He isn't putting your wellbeing first; you are following suit. Who is going to look after you, if you don't?

TheFoundations · 04/08/2021 14:44

There's some odd suggestions for maintaining your dignity here. Just tell him calmly that you don't like to be left dangling, wish him luck, and walk away from the relationship without a fuss.

Drama is undignified. Calmly explaining how you feel, and doing what you need to do without fuss is dignified.

You don't need to 'be cold' or 'dump and block'. You need to be yourself and trust your feelings rather than try to silence them.

Luddite26 · 04/08/2021 14:47

@Aaaalltheboys

I really fell hard for him. On Saturday we were planning trips and holidays so I just don’t understand. He is someone I know through work so whatever happens I need to come out of this with dignity and with him on-side. I can’t work out how to do that but I think I should insist on a face to face meeting when I see him as it is easier to be kind in person. And grit my teeth not to fall apart in front of him.

It's over whatever it has been. To maintain dignity for yourself you act cool with everything around him. Act like things weren't going how you wanted but it's just one of those things. Keep your dignity in front of everyone. Don't show it if you feel upset and make sure he sees what he has lost. Don't waste any more time or emotion on him invest time in yourself.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 04/08/2021 15:09

My boyfriend wants “space” for 4 days to consider whether he wants to be in a relationship with me or not

I'd give him space.

Permanently.

kurtney · 04/08/2021 15:36

You don't need to 'be cold' or 'dump and block'. You need to be yourself and trust your feelings rather than try to silence them

Why do people have this weird notion that blocking someone means you're showing you really care about them? In the days of digital communication, not blocking someone gives the impression that you're still open to being 'friends' and means that they could pop up at any time whenever they've realised their other options have run out.

The only reason I block someone is because I don't want to hear from them ever again. I don't care about them but that they've treated me like shit and I'm not giving them any more chances. I'm not going to bother to pretend to ignore them or act all nonchalant when they (inevitably) send that late night text a few months down the line. They can fuck off and I'm not leaving a line of communication open. If you don't block them, you're always an option however you've left it between them.

BrumCahoots · 04/08/2021 15:43

He's upsetting you .. he's up to something and you are going to worry .. pop him in the bin.

TheFoundations · 04/08/2021 15:44

If you don't block them, you're always an option however you've left it between them

Whether a person is 'an option' or not isn't to do with what happens in technology-land. It's to do with their self respect, and the decisions they've made about who they open their life to and choose to spend time with.

Why do people have this weird notion that blocking someone means you're showing you really care about them

Did anybody actually say this or did you just make it up so that you could argue against it? I only ask because you've put it under a quote from my post, and it's nothing like what I was saying.

kurtney · 04/08/2021 16:38

Did anybody actually say this or did you just make it up so that you could argue against it? I only ask because you've put it under a quote from my post, and it's nothing like what I was saying

Calm down, dear. It wasn't personal.

It comes up a lot on these sort of threads. 'Don't block him, it'll look like you're bothered'. Well, if someone treated me like shit, disappeared for 4 days stating 'no contact' because they wanted to make a decision on whether they still wanted to be my boyfriend after 6 months, guess what? I would be bothered. And women pretending like it's nothing and shrugging it off, trying to pretend it's not a big deal shows these sorts of men that they can get away with behaving like pigs.

TheFoundations · 04/08/2021 17:26

Calm down, dear. It wasn't personal

You're coming across great, there. You sound lovely.

Moving on, did anybody actually say that on this thread? It just doesn't seem relevant.

kurtney · 04/08/2021 17:35

You're coming across great, there. You sound lovely

Thanks. I am 😌

And seeing as you don't seem to have read the rest of the thread;

I agree don't block. You didn't even care enough about him to do that!!!

From a poster at about 00.13

RantyAunty · 04/08/2021 18:03

I'll never understand why someone would be concerned how they come across when they delete and block someone.

He's an asshole. Who cares what he thinks.

You see this on here all the time where some tosspot will text 6 months, 1 year, 2 years later and they'll post here asking should they meet up with him.

Delete and block.

You fell for him. You're finding out he doesn't care all that much.

Dick is such high supply and low value the only reaction to any guy asking for space, 4 days or whatever is to laugh in his face and say OK bye and block him.

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