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Original poster

Needing “space”

101 replies

Aaaalltheboys · 03/08/2021 23:36

My boyfriend wants “space” for 4 days to consider whether he wants to be in a relationship with me or not. I have asked him not to string this out if he has already made his mind up. He assures me he hasn’t and just needs “space”. I am finding this painful and difficult and am in a lose lose position as he has made it clear he doesn’t want to hear from me in any form over these days. Is space something some people just need? I am not of that ilk so struggling to understand it.

OP posts:
romdowa · 04/08/2021 07:00

@Aaaalltheboys

I really fell hard for him. On Saturday we were planning trips and holidays so I just don’t understand. He is someone I know through work so whatever happens I need to come out of this with dignity and with him on-side. I can’t work out how to do that but I think I should insist on a face to face meeting when I see him as it is easier to be kind in person. And grit my teeth not to fall apart in front of him.
If really not insist on a face to face meeting. Pp suggestions are the best, end the relationship yourself and don't wait around for the 4 days like a door mat.
Maskless · 04/08/2021 07:05

He's spending the 4 days shagging another woman. She may be new, someone he chats to online, now coming to stay with him, or nearby. She might be an ex coming to visit. Hence he needs 4 days - not 3, not 5 to see if he prefers her.

RookieRoo · 04/08/2021 07:14

@Luddite26

I am a bit of an old bird so your post made me think of the Beautiful South song A little Time. If he has something planned he should be honest with you. You don't see him that much for him to need space. If anybody ever told me they needed space from me i would give them all the space in the world forever. I hope you don't let him get away with this. Block him out of your life and forget him. Don't waste any more of your precious time.
The freedom that you wanted bad, is yours for good, I hope you're glad...

I can't believe I didn't notice this, one of my all-time favourite bands.

Luddite26 · 04/08/2021 07:48

That is the line that came in my head RookieRoo.
A good band to give life advice - my current mantra from them is Perfect 10 with the extra lockdown lard !

Brefugee · 04/08/2021 07:53

I'm with pp - give him all the space until the end of time

DancesWithTortoises · 04/08/2021 07:54

He's met someone else he wants to try on for size. Dump him.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 04/08/2021 07:54

The only way to leave this situation with your dignity intact is for the relationship to end now. He's tried to end it, he's suspicious of you, he thinks things about you that aren't true, he clearly wants out. Even if he comes back and says let's give it another go you know the relationship is over.

Cocogreen · 04/08/2021 07:58

@Aaaalltheboys

I really fell hard for him. On Saturday we were planning trips and holidays so I just don’t understand. He is someone I know through work so whatever happens I need to come out of this with dignity and with him on-side. I can’t work out how to do that but I think I should insist on a face to face meeting when I see him as it is easier to be kind in person. And grit my teeth not to fall apart in front of him.
For whatever reason, he's had second thoughts. Consider the relationship over and when ( if) he comes back to you if four days just let him explain himself. Don't make it easy for him by just stepping away now. He can man up.
wannabeamummysobad · 04/08/2021 08:03

@Aaaalltheboys

My boyfriend wants “space” for 4 days to consider whether he wants to be in a relationship with me or not. I have asked him not to string this out if he has already made his mind up. He assures me he hasn’t and just needs “space”. I am finding this painful and difficult and am in a lose lose position as he has made it clear he doesn’t want to hear from me in any form over these days. Is space something some people just need? I am not of that ilk so struggling to understand it.
The best advice I've ever received when it comes to boys/men... "if he loves you, you'll know. If he doesn't, you'll be confused".

Sorry for the pain you are feeling but I'd walk away.

FinallyHere · 04/08/2021 08:07

whether he wants to be in a relationship with me or not

I'm so sorry to read this.

I'm afraid I don't have much hope for your relationship. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. As PP say, six months in, it shouldn't be this difficult.

Your best hope of salvaging your self esteem in this situation is to say, fair enough, I understand your need for space but this is it, now. We have broken up.

QueenBee52 aces it with the Dump Block and Rock onto happiness with someone worthy

Underpaidsnackbitch · 04/08/2021 08:07

Sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
It does sound very suspicious. Why 4 days? What is he up to? Sounds like there might be something that he needs to be 'single' for so that he can throw in the old 'we were on a break' excuse if needed at a later date. After 6 month together, one party insisting on absolutely no contact is a massive red flag. Even if it was a work trip or lads holiday I'd expect the odd text at the very least. Maintain your dignity and end the relationship Flowers

Aliceclara · 04/08/2021 08:11

I agree, end it yourself now. Just say you don't feel the relationship is strong enough to last. You'll soon find out if he genuinely wants to be with you or not.

lobsterkiller · 04/08/2021 08:16

You're not a toy to be picked up and put down as he sees fit. He seems to have confidence (arrogance) that youll be there at the end of the four days.

Id personally knock it on the head. Ifche comes back you know he'll do it again and again.

LargeInCharge · 04/08/2021 08:26

A couple of things stuck out for me.

  1. He’s away at family’s three times a week.
  1. You were discussing trips and holidays just before he kicked off.

Have you been to his home? Are you sure you’re not the other woman?

rejectedcarrit · 04/08/2021 08:29

It shouldn't be this difficult this early. If you accept this now and the relationship does continue you'll end up with worse down the line.

End it.

BichonFrizz · 04/08/2021 08:35

@LargeInCharge

A couple of things stuck out for me.
  1. He’s away at family’s three times a week.
  1. You were discussing trips and holidays just before he kicked off.

Have you been to his home? Are you sure you’re not the other woman?

I thought this. I think he already has a girlfriend and he's away with her for a few days.

Either way this is already over. Don't meet face to face. You're just prolonging your own agony.

OneForTheRoadThen · 04/08/2021 08:49

@Onthedunes

I'd dump him, then literally bombard him over the four days with calls, emails and messages just to ruin his four days.

When he blocks use unknown number, to the point he has to switch his phone off.

That should annoy him.

He needs 4 days space.
You want 4 days to be seriously annoying.

What an arrogant twat.

Christ don't do this! Keep your dignity. Behaving like this will let him reframe you into the 'crazy ex' and justify his behaviour to himself. You'll regret it further down the line too. Let him go.
powershowerforanhour · 04/08/2021 08:58

It's all a bit "Thank you for attending interview. Our judging panel will deliberate and let you know in due course if you have been successful. Please do not attempt to contact us in the interim. Please be aware that any offer may be rescinded at any time. Terms and conditions apply"

NotaCoolMum · 04/08/2021 09:03

Don’t wait 4 days for him to decide YOUR future. Give him all the space he desires- forever!

Oblomov21 · 04/08/2021 09:56

Fuck that. Really, deep down you do know this is bullshit, don't you? Please tell us that you do?

Umberellatheweatha · 04/08/2021 10:03

It's just cruel. He could have hist said 'I need a few me-days' if he needed a bit of space. And even if it was to decide if he wanted to be with you or not, there was no reason for him to say that. What he has done is controlling and manipulative.

I'd simply text him 'I've decided that this doesn't work for me. I know who I am and what I want and if you dont, then you need to be single rn. I wish you all the best, but we are done'.

frozendaisy · 04/08/2021 10:35

@DontDoThatGeorge

6 months? Fuck that.

Give him all the space he wants, forever 🚮

Was looking for the best way to express this!
litterbird · 04/08/2021 10:43

Sadly 'space' means its over and I am doing a slow fade. He has probably had his head turned. Sorry OP, I know you dont want this to end but it already has in his head. Its just him letting you go.

Lolapusht · 04/08/2021 10:56

It doesn’t actually matter why he’s doing this, it’s the fact he thinks it’s an acceptable way to treat you. It sounds like if he decides to continue in the relationship you are probably going to spend your time pandering to his wins, second guessing yourself and generally being miserable because he’s decided he needs space/time/a new career/separate finances/wants to live with you but not enough to pay his way…you name it.

You’re already considering how to break up with him so he’s not too upset. After 6 months you’ve already put yourself into second place. Why do you need him “on-side” at work? Is one of your senior to the other? If he can’t behave in a grown up way so that a break up doesn’t effect work then he really isn’t worth continuing a relationship with.

Please put yourself first and work how this relationship makes you feel and how much you’re willing to sacrifice of yourself to be with someone so inconsiderate.

frozendaisy · 04/08/2021 11:19

@Aaaalltheboys

I really fell hard for him. On Saturday we were planning trips and holidays so I just don’t understand. He is someone I know through work so whatever happens I need to come out of this with dignity and with him on-side. I can’t work out how to do that but I think I should insist on a face to face meeting when I see him as it is easier to be kind in person. And grit my teeth not to fall apart in front of him.
Face-to-face?

I would advise against.

Ok so you have been "instructed" like a naughty child that he needs space no contact at all for x4 days. So just get on with your x4 days doing fabulous you.

If/when after the detention period is up he contacts you just calmly say "the 4 days of space did me good as well and I don't want to go forward in a relationship being made to feel like a naughty child with a list of instructions. No hard feelings, see you at work I guess"

And I would do this via text if you can.

He's a knob by the way, unlikely he would answer your questions honestly. If you pander to this you will make yourself a doormat, if he wants you as his queen he will chase you. And after this episode I would expect major chasing, if he does, which I doubt, but if he does chase, that is the time to make him answer questions and for you to lay down many ground rules, one being "never instruct me when I can and cannot text you again either we are partners in life or we are not you knob"

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