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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What should I do?

103 replies

Lilypad1603 · 03/08/2021 06:30

I won't keep this story long but basically my bf (29) and I (24) have been dating for a year now. He's been continuously asking me to move in with him. His current living situation isn't great as his landlord has decided not to extend his lease. As a result of that, he's been asking me relentlessly if I want to live with him. I don't feel ready and am focusing on getting my own place.

He says that "not ready" isn't a good excuse or reason and that I should listen to him as us moving in together will be the right thing to do for our relationship. I said "right thing for you, not for me". During our conversation he's made comments that basically imply that I'm not committed enough into our relationship as I don't feel ready at the same time as he does. He feels really shit about his situation and has said that if things don't work out well for him then he has the option to "kill himself". I didn't know whether he was being sarcastic or serious.

I feel like he's putting me in a lot of pressure to do what he wants as it will solve his problem right now. I live at home and am saving for a house.

We had our 1 year anniversary just today and I'm already starting to worry about the future of our relationship. I don't know what to do. And this whole conversation of him saying that he might "kill himself" happened ON our anniversary 😞

OP posts:
WhatdoIsaytohim11 · 03/08/2021 06:36

Oh dear.
I know it’s such a hard situation you feel you are in. It is so important that you don’t move in with somebody who you don’t feel ready to live with.
A year in knowing somebody isn’t that long at all really.
The fact that he has suggested killing himself I’d highly manipulative behaviour and he has said this to force you into doing what he wants.

Please think about your relationship with him. Are you truly happy and do you feel loved and valued.
I suspect you don’t, listening to the difference of where you both are. And that’s ok.

I would have a long and hard think about the future and which was you want this to go.
Please don’t be bullied into anything x

Notagain20 · 03/08/2021 06:41

Good for you for not giving in to his pressure! He should listen to your "no thank you" and back off, not hassle you about it. And you're right to be concerned about the suicide comment - sounds like emotional manipulation and a big red flag. You can tell a lot from the way a man responds to being told "no" - he's not showing any respect for your decision.

category12 · 03/08/2021 06:42

I think you would be better calling off the relationship. He's showing you some very concerning behaviours: trying to bulldoze you into doing things you're not ready for, not taking a no for an answer, threatening suicide. I wouldn't get in any deeper with such a man.

Original poster
Lilypad1603 · 03/08/2021 06:42

Thank you for your reply. Overall, he's a very caring and affectionate partner and in some cases I feel so happy with him. But this situation, I've never been in this situation before and it's my first relationship. I worry this pattern of behavior will continue about other things as well.

OP posts:
CupoTeap · 03/08/2021 06:44

Do not move in with him.

He is ignoring your expression of boundaries and trying to guilt trip you into getting his own way. Plus threats to kill himself. You need to break up. This is not a safe man.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 03/08/2021 06:47

Do not move in with him. He doesn't give a shit about your boundaries, and he is throwing around suicide threats to emotionally blackmail you. He is not a nice person, and you should be running like the wind, as this situation will only get worse.

updownroundandround · 03/08/2021 07:12

Definitely do not move in with him.

He has NO issues with trying to force you to do something you're not comfortable with or ready for by using emotional blackmail and trying to force you to relent by repeatedly asking the same thing, again, and again, and again. Sad
He's even thrown the threat of him committing suicide into the 'argument' FFS !

He's not a person you need to be having any kind of relationship with. At all.
Can you even imagine how draining and soul destroying it would be living with him ? When he uses these tactics every day to get his own way ? Sad

You seriously need to think about dumping this guy, because nothing good can ever come with having a 'relationship' with a man like him.

Sakurami · 03/08/2021 07:16

Seriously op, leave him. He's trying to control, coerce and emotionally blackmail you before he even has you in his clutches. Think of how much worse it would be if you actually lived together.

You're young and should be enjoying life and like you said saving for your own place.

Sunflowergirl1 · 03/08/2021 07:20

Jeez. So after one year he is already threatening to kill himself! What an emotional twister trying to blackmail you.

Definitely don't move in with him and what's more give him the boot. Otherwise you will look back in later years from a far worse place wishing you had. Where the heck do these nut jobs come from?

FinallyHere · 03/08/2021 07:20

There are not many situations in life which really are black and white. This is one of those exceptions. Do not ever do anything under pressure from someone else.

If anyone tries to pressurise you to do something, just refuse. It's the only way to react in the face of pressure. You can also add that the more pressure, he applies the less likely you will be to comply.

This is an approach which will work well for you in every aspect of life, from double glazing sales to life partners.

It may not feel like it now, but you can be glad that you have seen this aspect of him before moving in together. Could it be that the 'caring and affectionate' side of him only appears when he is getting his own way? If he continues with the threats, then I earnestly encourage you to break up with him. This will not be get any better ever. A relationship where your partner does not respect your boundaries is never going to be good.

As for 'suicide attempts' give him the number for the Samaritans. You really mustn't try to deal with genuine suicide attempts yourself. If it's just more pressure, then just remind him that you don't give in to pressure.

Bananalanacake · 03/08/2021 07:41

If you don't want to then say no. I was 37 when I first moved in with a DP and that was because we were having a baby. No way would I have wanted to be tied to a man at 24. Does he work, is he hoping to share renting costs.

bigbaggyeyes · 03/08/2021 07:43

Don't move in with him. Whatever reason you have, even if you don't have a reason not to move in, if you don't want to, then don't. If he's pressurising you to move in, that's a big red flag to me.

TheFoundations · 03/08/2021 07:44

@Lilypad1603

Thank you for your reply. Overall, he's a very caring and affectionate partner and in some cases I feel so happy with him. But this situation, I've never been in this situation before and it's my first relationship. I worry this pattern of behavior will continue about other things as well.
You should leave. Successful relationships are successful because they can negotiate the hard times effectively. Lots and lots of people can spend time together and have fun/be caring/be affectionate. It's what happens when things get rough that you need to look at.

His response when things get rough (from the information you've given) is to disregard your point of view, and to use emotional manipulation to try to get you on his side. He won't have invented these behaviour patterns specifically for this discussion: it's part of who he is. You will end up stuck and unable to leave because you're too scared you'll be responsible for him topping himself. Step away before he manipulates you any closer.

DinosaurDiana · 03/08/2021 07:47

Absolutely walk away from him. His manipulative behaviour will get worse.

Original poster
Lilypad1603 · 03/08/2021 07:47

Thank you for your reply. Yeah he works and is hoping to split living expenses. His whole argument for us living together revolves mostly about his need to find a rental in the next three months. We haven't even discussed what we'd do if one of us loses an income and whether we're ready to support two people on one income. These little details.

OP posts:
OrchestraOfWankery · 03/08/2021 07:55

Coercion. Emotional blackmail. Suicide threats.

OP please don't even think about giving in to this vile manipulative behaviour. Get rid. It won't get better - quite the reverse.

SilverRoe · 03/08/2021 08:29

This is exactly how people end up trapped in controlling situations, especially when they tie you in financially and make you feel responsible for their material and emotional well-being. Very very few women get such a clear heads up this is what will happen before they end up in these
living situations. You’re getting one now, a massive one. That he’s moved to threatening suicide if you don’t capitulate to him shows you loud and clear who he is.

You say he’s a caring and affectionate partner overall - but it’s easy to be that way during a handful of months while dating - and a year is NOT a long time! It’s how people behave when challenges appear, when you put down a boundary, when you don’t do what they want you to do that shows you what they really think and who they are.

This man wants you to go against your stated wishes to facilitate making his life easier and he’s not afraid to use extreme emotional blackmail to get his way.

If he can do this now, during what really is still the ‘honeymoon’ phase of this relationship imagine what he’d feel confident to demand of you in two or three years.

Please get out now.

DoormatBob · 03/08/2021 08:32

Don't waste your life on this man. It will only get worse.

PippiStocking · 03/08/2021 08:35

Whatever you do, don’t move in with him. Cannot stress this enough.

litterbird · 03/08/2021 08:40

Not only should you not be moving in with him you should run as fast as possible away from him. Please realise this is the beginning of manipulative and coercive behaviour that will escalate in time if you stay together. Please talk to close friends and family about this latest trick he is pulling so you can have support when you leave him. I really do mean it, if you stay you will be trapped in an abusive relationship. The writing is there in block capitals on the wall staring at you right not. Read it, understand it and get out now.

candycane222 · 03/08/2021 08:46

Acting "lovely" and "caring" some if the time is no good if at bottom, he has no respect for your wishes and blatantly bullies you to get what he wants, regardless of whether it is goid for you or not. He only cares when it doesn't get in the way of what he wants. When your needs clash with his, like now, it is very clear he doesn't care about you one little bit. And will stoop to anything to try to get his way

IonaLeg · 03/08/2021 08:55

He’s being incredibly manipulative and unfair. Threatening to kill himself so he gets his way is extremely toxic behaviour, to the point of actually being abusive. He is clearly only thinking of his own wants and needs as well, with no interest in what you want or need.

This would be a red line for me - he has shown you exactly who he is when decisions have to be made and you disagree. There will be many times in your relationship where you have to come to a decision on a disagreement - you do not want to be in that position with someone who will use the threat of suicide to ensure he always gets his way.

Ostryga · 03/08/2021 08:59

Oh god get rid of him ASAP. You’re 24! You have so much time to find a decent person who respects you.

He’s abusive, and this will only ever get worse.

Dump him, block him and move on. Honestly you’ll look back in a few years and wish you’d done it now if you stay.

ravenmum · 03/08/2021 09:07

You're my daughter's age. If you were my daughter I'd be very worried and hoping you got out asap. Have you discussed any of this with friends/family?

Original poster
Lilypad1603 · 03/08/2021 09:10

No I haven't. I don't know how to bring it up to them, it's just starting to feel somewhat embarrassing. I'm thinking about how to bring it up with him. Our anniversary only just happened and I feel like the worst person if I were to end things right there and then. I feel like I would need at least a week to pass before I have the conversation with him.

OP posts: