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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What should I do?

103 replies

Lilypad1603 · 03/08/2021 06:30

I won't keep this story long but basically my bf (29) and I (24) have been dating for a year now. He's been continuously asking me to move in with him. His current living situation isn't great as his landlord has decided not to extend his lease. As a result of that, he's been asking me relentlessly if I want to live with him. I don't feel ready and am focusing on getting my own place.

He says that "not ready" isn't a good excuse or reason and that I should listen to him as us moving in together will be the right thing to do for our relationship. I said "right thing for you, not for me". During our conversation he's made comments that basically imply that I'm not committed enough into our relationship as I don't feel ready at the same time as he does. He feels really shit about his situation and has said that if things don't work out well for him then he has the option to "kill himself". I didn't know whether he was being sarcastic or serious.

I feel like he's putting me in a lot of pressure to do what he wants as it will solve his problem right now. I live at home and am saving for a house.

We had our 1 year anniversary just today and I'm already starting to worry about the future of our relationship. I don't know what to do. And this whole conversation of him saying that he might "kill himself" happened ON our anniversary 😞

OP posts:
ravenmum · 03/08/2021 09:27

He didn't wait until a week after your anniversary to threaten suicide.
Any other ticks on this list? www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

Urghhhhh · 03/08/2021 09:27

He just wants you to subsidize his rent. Why compromise and move in with him and split rent and utilities when you could continue living at home and save towards a place of your own? Not to mention that if you live together my guess is you would end up doing the brunt of housework too. He's decided that you need to share his burden of finding a place and covering rent/utilities to make life easier for him, when in fact none of that is your problem. And he's being so disgustingly manipulative about it. The day someone pulls the threatening suicide card on me is the day I walk out.

Original poster
Lilypad1603 · 03/08/2021 10:07

That's true hahaha.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilypad1603 · 03/08/2021 10:10

Yeah it's becoming blatantly clear. He suggested I compromise and move in with him now instead of continuing to live at home and then later get a place of my own. I've never imagined that that's how it was going to be with him

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 03/08/2021 10:17

feel like the worst person if I were to end things right there and then

This absolutely is how people, let's face it, how many women get suckered into abusive situations.

He is using extreme emotional manipulation to try and break through one of your (very sensible) boundaries and you are the one left feeling embarrassed.

Run, now. 'This isn't working for me' is all you need to say to him. He knows he isn't being fair, no need to try and persuade him to act differently.

As for the telling your friends and family. Imagine how you would feel if a friend, a daughter of a sister were being threatened in this way snd they didn't feel they could talk to you about this?

If you can't bring yourself to admit it's you in this situation, try starting by telling your friends and family about a thread you have read on MN and ask what they think.

TheFoundations · 03/08/2021 10:19

He suggested I compromise and move in with him now instead of continuing to live at home and then later get a place of my own

Wow. He's openly expressing that living together is a stop gap to save money. He's really showing you his priorities here, and love isn't featuring.

ravenmum · 03/08/2021 10:26

He wants you to move in. You want to live at home.
You doing what he wants is not compromising.

right thing for you, not for me
This shows you've got your head screwed on right, OP. Don't let him loosen the screws :)

WhiskeyGalore212 · 03/08/2021 10:42

You're young.

He's at a slightly different life stage being nearly 30.

But that's not the main problem, the main one is the assumption, coercion, manipulation emotional blackmail and above all suicide threats.

That's a stable, well adjusted, decent individual.

Any woman would be throwing herself away on some who behaves like this, but at 24 years old ....!

WhiskeyGalore212 · 03/08/2021 10:43

*not, obviously

PippiStocking · 03/08/2021 11:58

God just reading your original post again.

He says that "not ready" isn't a good excuse or reason and that I should listen to him as us moving in together will be the right thing to do for our relationship

What a bellend. Just get rid of him, seriously. He does not feel that your own thoughts and feelings are relevant to the decisions you make about your own life? He has no respect for you OR for himself. He sounds so low quality and emotionally immature. You can do so much better. Don't waste the best years of your life on this dreary, manipulative idiot.

Cakequeen1988 · 03/08/2021 12:40

You perhaps don’t realise it but you are in a potentially dangerous situation.

Please please listen to those of us with experience. It may seem a small issue or embarrassing but it isn’t. You are happy at home, and are being sensible to save for a place of your own. Why would you give that up just so he can have cheap rent. If you agree to move in you will find further blackmail happens

Why are you going to visit your parents when you’ve only just moved out/he hasn’t seen you as your at work

He doesn’t want them to visit

Same with friend isolating you. He will start to manage the money also so you can’t ‘afford’ to do things as you have to pay the rent bills etc.

The threat of Suicide is the most obvious overt threat here that signals like nothing else that this abuse will escalate and that you are bing abused. This doesn’t happen in a normal safe relationship. Please dump him today. You don’t have to provide reasons or get into long conversations and discussions. Just end it and tell your family why.

Please let us know what happens

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 03/08/2021 13:43

He wants you to move in so he has a support system in place with regards to renting. He’s not thinking about what’s best for you, just what’s best for him.
His behaviour is extremely manipulative and coercive, this behaviour will not change as time goes by, no that’s not true, it will get worse and worse.
Please please listen to all the excellent advice and opinions on here. Do you notice that not a single person has told you that you should stay with him.
Anyone who threatens to take their life because you are not willing to be bullied into a situation you do not want to be in, absolutely needs to be dumped ASAP. You’ve spent a year with this abuser,let that be the end of it. Set yourself free

RainingZen · 03/08/2021 13:51

Oh love, please split up with him. Your instinct is screaming at you that this relationship isnt right. It might feel horrible to split up with someone who seems lovely most of the time, but there are red flags all over the place here.

Don't be embarrassed, tell a friend or your mum or dad what you've told us. Saying it out loud will make you feel much clearer.

Sorry you are going through this but well done for recognizing this behaviour from your boyfriend is not acceptable.

Notaroadrunner · 03/08/2021 13:55

End it asap. He's already trying to control you and tell you what you want. If you move in with him you will be in a much worse situation. Simply tell him that it has become clear you both want different things from a relationship and that you no longer wish to see him. Block him, do not engage in further conversation with him.

PippiStocking · 03/08/2021 14:25

You will so look back on this and shudder at the thought he tried to get you trapped in this miserable situation with him.

Imagine being tied into a rental contract with him – you already feel embarrassed discussing his behaviour with your family, imagine how trapped and despairing you'd feel if you were stuck in the same place as him every day, having to listen to his attempts at brainwashing and manipulating you. Not being able to have a breather for a few days and think about how you felt. Just relentless pressure to go along with what he wanted. Feeling more and more reliant on him as your lives grow more entwined. Imagine the stress of someone threatening suicide if you talked about moving out, being forced to have these big emotional conversations fogging your energy and brain all the time with nowhere to escape to. Ugh, I'm shuddering just thinking about it all. Please keep talking to us, it feels difficult at the time but you'll feel so much better once you've got rid of him!!!

NotTheMrMenAgain · 03/08/2021 14:31

What should you do, OP? Run far and run fast! This man's manipulative, selfish behaviour raises so many red flags he's got a string of bunting.....if you were my DD I'd be proud you were so astute and move heaven and earth to get you away from his malign influence.

Honestly, don't be embarrassed. You're a strong woman who didn't crumble in the face of his pressure. You're a clever woman who can see exactly what he's up to (wants someone to share rent and skivvy for him). You're a woman with good instincts and an intuitive 'gut feeling' - you're already worrying about when this might go and how it could escalate. Don't ignore your gut - it evolved to help keep us safe over an enormous length of time.

Basically, dump the loser.

WhatMattersMost · 03/08/2021 14:42

This, OP, is coercive control. No two ways about it. Now you know, you can make an informed decision about what to do next.

layladomino · 03/08/2021 17:16

Please please please don't move in with him. So may warning signs here-

  • he ignores your wants and feelings / thinks he knows better
  • he likely wants to move in to help his housing situation, so he gains a home, rather than because he wants to love with you
  • you don't feel ready
  • he threatens suicide - this is a huge red flag. It's manipulative, controlling and shows the lengths he is willing to go to to get you to do what he wants
he has no respect for you or what's best for you.

You are young and sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. He will get worse no doubt. Please do the right thing for you and leave. You are only responsible for your own wellbeing.

Colourmeclear · 03/08/2021 20:32

I'd guess he's probably also thinking about all the chores and cooking he can make you do and all the sex he thinks you'll be having whenever he wants it, regardless of whether you're ready, want to do it etc. I could be wrong and I hope I am.

Not ready is an absolutely valid response and I really commend you for recognising that's where you are and communicating it. I'm sorry he is a massive walking talking red flag.

If he ever texts or calls you and implies or otherwise that he might hurt himself, call the police for a welfare check. I wish someone had told me to do this when I was younger. It's not acceptable at all and it is such a traumatic thing to deal with alone. It's one of the worst kinds of manipulation.

Umberellatheweatha · 03/08/2021 20:40

Lol,one year anniversary xD of what? Dating? Is that even a thing?

Just dump the manipulative bastard because it it's not this, he'll use some other nonsense to guilt you into staying.

nzeire · 03/08/2021 20:50

You are 24! Times to have fun, not to feel pressured and threatened. I feel for him, he sounds needy and insecure, but are you willing to sign up for that?
No, out now, be single, be happy x

lilmishap · 03/08/2021 21:00

His current living situation isn't great as his landlord has decided not to extend his lease
Why?

I live at home and am saving for a house Oh you have savings, that'll come in handy for him then. Does he have any?

Original poster
Lilypad1603 · 03/08/2021 21:10

The landlord increased his rent and my partner asked for some maintenance to be done around the place before his signs the lease, which in retrospect now he regrets. He doesn't have much in savings, no. I've suggested to him multiple times that if things don't work out, move back home and start again. Live with family and save up a bit. He wants to do post grad, so I said take the opportunity to do some study as well. And he just says that if he has to move back home then our relationship would probably have to end. His family lives 2 hours away from me. Hardly long distance. His other options are to just be stuck in the renting cycle or "wait for my partner to have her house and then finally have a stable roof over my head and I can finally focus on my masters". So yeah.

OP posts:
NothingIsWrong · 03/08/2021 21:20

So he's planning on using your house as a dosshouse while he furthers his career? And has openly admitted this?

What a fucking knob.

Please dump him.

1FootInTheRave · 03/08/2021 21:22

He is a manipulative toss bag.

Get rid asap.