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Original poster

What should I do?

103 replies

Lilypad1603 · 03/08/2021 06:30

I won't keep this story long but basically my bf (29) and I (24) have been dating for a year now. He's been continuously asking me to move in with him. His current living situation isn't great as his landlord has decided not to extend his lease. As a result of that, he's been asking me relentlessly if I want to live with him. I don't feel ready and am focusing on getting my own place.

He says that "not ready" isn't a good excuse or reason and that I should listen to him as us moving in together will be the right thing to do for our relationship. I said "right thing for you, not for me". During our conversation he's made comments that basically imply that I'm not committed enough into our relationship as I don't feel ready at the same time as he does. He feels really shit about his situation and has said that if things don't work out well for him then he has the option to "kill himself". I didn't know whether he was being sarcastic or serious.

I feel like he's putting me in a lot of pressure to do what he wants as it will solve his problem right now. I live at home and am saving for a house.

We had our 1 year anniversary just today and I'm already starting to worry about the future of our relationship. I don't know what to do. And this whole conversation of him saying that he might "kill himself" happened ON our anniversary 😞

OP posts:
Grinch48 · 04/08/2021 15:36

He’s not exactly smart is he
Most cocklodger at least have the sense to wait until they are fully installed in their partners house before becoming a cocklodger
This one hasn’t even got the brains to do that 😂😂
That alone would put me straight off
He’s a manipulative dick without a brain
It’s so obvious it would be funny if he wasn’t actually serious about everything- which I have no doubt that he is

FinallyHere · 04/08/2021 15:37

like what the hell....

Why is he still in your head? Pretty universal response on here to ditch him, understandably.

Why even think about him still. It's like a bandage, quick rip snd it's all over. You life will just get better and better once you are shot of him.

Grinch48 · 04/08/2021 15:40

Oh and if you dump him
Expect to get calls from the hospital or police because he’s taken an overdose or some shit
It won’t be serious overdose but it will possibly be enough to get you running back and feeling responsible for him .
So any withheld numbers ignore - police and hospitals always call on withheld numbers 😂

Umberellatheweatha · 04/08/2021 15:47

Highly unlikely he would take an overdose. But very common of manipulative diets like him to threaten to do things like that. If he finds a way to threaten (which he wont if you block him), dont reply, just call the police and give his address and let them decide what they want to do. He'll soon stop spouting that shit when he realises he could get in trouble for lying and wasting the time of the ambulance service.

You don't owe anyone a relationship. Least if all someone who emotionally manipulates ppl. This guy has never considered your feelings and what is good for you, he doesn't have an ounce of common decency or moral fibre. So it's a fucking cheek that he mentions killing himself 'for your benefit'. His is an utter cockwamble.

Umberellatheweatha · 04/08/2021 15:47

*manipulative sorts not diets lol

Colourmeclear · 04/08/2021 18:36

@Umberellatheweatha I quite liked the stories in the freedom program where the men deliberately wore oversized clothes so they could mope around going "oh, I'm wasting away, I can't eat without you" so maybe manipulative diets is on the cards!

OP as I said earlier, any hint of throwing the words out there then turning his phone off, not answering, call the police for a welfare check. He can then explain to them that it was a passing comment or how he 'fell asleep' or 'didnt have signal'. If he is genuinely suicidal it will also mean that someone does check up him and if needed he does get the support.

PippiStocking · 04/08/2021 21:00

@babybopella

Him threatening to kill himself is your main issue in my opinion. Before you said that, I was going to say I'm probably not saying a popular opinion here, but after a year I think people should be moving in together, if they are in a happy relationship. Why don't you want to? But that's irrelevant now because if he's saying about killing himself over it that's not healthy at all so definitely don't move in with him while he's saying things like that.
No offence but I find that really weird.

What if they don’t want to?

What if neither of them want to!?

Where does the ‘should’ come from? On what basis? I’m really intrigued by this.

babybopella · 05/08/2021 08:00

@PippiStocking

It's just my view on it, if after a year your relationship is going well, I feel like you should see it going somewhere and want a future with them, so the next step would be to live together. If after a year you don't want that I would think it probably won't work. Obviously sometimes there are reasons why people can't live together, I realise that living apart suits some couples... but it's just my opinion that after a year of being together both should want to take the next step. So my question would be, why wouldn't you want to?

Original poster
Lilypad1603 · 05/08/2021 09:18

@babybopella
Because of how he was handling the issue of his rental. I am focusing on getting my own place and would like to live with him after that happens. Well I wanted to. But his idea was I rent with him first BEFORE I buy which is not what I want. And just generally our disagreement regarding this situation has shown me that that's not what I want in my life for myself because I see us having these types of arguments about a lot of things. I understand arguments are normal in any relationship , but not when they involve manipulation.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 05/08/2021 09:32

I feel like you should see it going somewhere and want a future with them, so the next step would be to live together.
There's a huge difference, though, between, say, someone who's 30, had several relationships and thinks they might get married and have kids - and someone who's 23, never lived in her own place, still at the stage of "try before you buy", this is their first boyfriend and potentially hopefully one of many before they even start to think about moving in with anyone.

PippiStocking · 05/08/2021 10:02

[quote babybopella]@PippiStocking

It's just my view on it, if after a year your relationship is going well, I feel like you should see it going somewhere and want a future with them, so the next step would be to live together. If after a year you don't want that I would think it probably won't work. Obviously sometimes there are reasons why people can't live together, I realise that living apart suits some couples... but it's just my opinion that after a year of being together both should want to take the next step. So my question would be, why wouldn't you want to? [/quote]
There could be any number and combination of reasons why that’s not a couple’s preference. ‘Moving in together at one year’ is just one option from any number of other paths two people could take. It’s an arbitrary length of time.

Some couples might even prefer to never move in together – that’s an option too. For no other reason than personal preference. There’s numerous ways to organise your life and relationships. Isn’t it just something that two people have to decide for themselves?!

Fair enough if it’s a personal preference and someone says – ‘one year into a relationship, ideally I’d like to be living together’ (although even then surely you are responsive to how that particular relationship is developing and able to adapt to the needs and circumstances of you and your partner??? Doesn’t the other person’s feelings come into it too? What if they have a rule that all couples should move in together after 20 months?!?)

And surely beyond that it doesn’t really matter what any other couple does? Isn’t it’s just the nature of life that people can and should judge and decide for themselves what works for them?

Moving in together at one year seems absolutely fine if that’s what you want to do, I just don’t understand the ‘rule’ aspect.

Original poster
Lilypad1603 · 05/08/2021 15:37

UPDATE
I broke up with him. After a couple of days of talking and discussing the situation and how we both felt. To me the most comfortable decision was to leave. I still have feelings for him and it's not easy and maybe it will feel like a mistake but yeah. I felt cruel too, but I feel like I had to put my foot down and be stubborn with him because ultimately I felt that my boundaries weren't recognized and respected. Thank you everyone for your advice and support. I truly value it ❤️

OP posts:
Urghhhhh · 05/08/2021 15:50

Congrats @Lilypad1603! I'm proud of you. Now hold fast for dramatic efforts to win you back and/or nastiness once he realises when thats not going to happen.

PippiStocking · 05/08/2021 15:54

@Lilypad1603

Well done OP, I think you’ve made the right decision and have been really positive in standing up for your boundaries and ending things when they weren’t right. Rather than letting things limp on and settling for his dodgy, manipulative behaviour.

Thanks for coming back to update, even when you’ve made the right decision it can still feel hard and sad for a bit, but I think what you’ve done is fantastic. Hero!

PippiStocking · 05/08/2021 15:56

And yeah echo @Urghhhhh

Go easy and give yourself a bit of time to bounce back. Even breaking up with someone like that can feel sad for a bit - doesn’t mean it wasn’t the right decision! Don’t let him talk you round.

SilverRoe · 05/08/2021 16:34

Oh well done!! I think you’ve made a very wise decision. Breakups ARE painful but you’ve saved yourself from a hell of a lot worse pain in the future. Feel good about what a strong and self-compassionate woman you are Flowers

CupoTeap · 05/08/2021 20:55

Thanks for the update, please be aware he may step up some of the behaviour so if you haven't you may need to block

lilmishap · 05/08/2021 21:08

But his idea was I rent with him first BEFORE I buy which is not what I want

Obviously, as any adult understands. you do not want to waste a penny on renting. It will benefit no one to delay getting on the property ladder.

It's not about what you want it's about you having a life plan that the majority of people follow, he is sounding like one of those people who whinge about how they 'never made it' because they never made any fucking effort to make it.

It will hurt and you will miss him. The next fella you meet may be the one but if he isn't you will miss him too. This is adult life, it's usually not nice, fun, enjoyable, easy but you seem to be doing a sterling job of it and will reap the rewards later

wewereliars · 05/08/2021 21:31

Well done , your future self will thank you

Purplealienpuke · 05/08/2021 21:40

You sound like you have your head screwed on. Saving for a mortgage etc.
He sounds like he's looking for a flat mate....
Hes emotionally blackmailing you to get his own way. Disgusting little creep.
Please don't be sucked into this. It will DEFINITELY get worse.
In your shoes I would dump his sorry backside, connect with my friends and have fun. You're young, live life. You have a long way to go before you need to play housy with anyone else.
Good luck 💐

PearlFriday · 05/08/2021 21:46

Don't move in with him. He is so manipulative! And, as you have identified, in a hypocritical illogical way. He'll kill himself if you don't move in with him Shock but he'd instigate the end of the relationship himself if he has to move back in with his parents.

Wow.

Run for the hills.

PearlFriday · 05/08/2021 21:47

@Lilypad1603

UPDATE I broke up with him. After a couple of days of talking and discussing the situation and how we both felt. To me the most comfortable decision was to leave. I still have feelings for him and it's not easy and maybe it will feel like a mistake but yeah. I felt cruel too, but I feel like I had to put my foot down and be stubborn with him because ultimately I felt that my boundaries weren't recognized and respected. Thank you everyone for your advice and support. I truly value it ❤️
oh delighted to read this!

x

Tallisimo · 05/08/2021 22:56

Excellent update, OP, I think you have made a very wise choice.

FinallyHere · 05/08/2021 23:05

Another congratulations on taking a tough but tight decision.

Alfiemoon1 · 06/08/2021 08:42

Great update op you made the right decision