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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What should I do?

103 replies

Lilypad1603 · 03/08/2021 06:30

I won't keep this story long but basically my bf (29) and I (24) have been dating for a year now. He's been continuously asking me to move in with him. His current living situation isn't great as his landlord has decided not to extend his lease. As a result of that, he's been asking me relentlessly if I want to live with him. I don't feel ready and am focusing on getting my own place.

He says that "not ready" isn't a good excuse or reason and that I should listen to him as us moving in together will be the right thing to do for our relationship. I said "right thing for you, not for me". During our conversation he's made comments that basically imply that I'm not committed enough into our relationship as I don't feel ready at the same time as he does. He feels really shit about his situation and has said that if things don't work out well for him then he has the option to "kill himself". I didn't know whether he was being sarcastic or serious.

I feel like he's putting me in a lot of pressure to do what he wants as it will solve his problem right now. I live at home and am saving for a house.

We had our 1 year anniversary just today and I'm already starting to worry about the future of our relationship. I don't know what to do. And this whole conversation of him saying that he might "kill himself" happened ON our anniversary 😞

OP posts:

Umberellatheweatha · 03/08/2021 21:28

Well thats hideously unsexy. He sounds like a waster who wants to do extra uni courses and scrounge off his gf forevermore. He sees you as a meal ticket and he has no desire to fend for himself.

roseviolette · 03/08/2021 21:37

Aww I've been in your shoes. I chose to not move in and was definitely a fantastic decision but I didn't realise at the time. I felt like maybe I'd done something wrong.
I hadn't. My bf at the time was like yours. Sorry but basically he's a dick.

Manipulative, coercive, he's going to use you, he already plans on it by what you've written.
If you don't feel ready to leave take things slowly but start looking out for signs of serious problems. They're already there but now you can start looking for them.
Eyes wide open and whatever you do no babies!!!

Good luck OP. You're young and you deserve so much better than this perhaps you have already realised this though. I really hope so, it's your first relationship so you can safely look at it as a learning curve and take the good and the bad as things to improve on in the next one.

Mum6457 · 03/08/2021 22:30

I wouldn't get any further involved with someone as manipulative as this. If he can't afford to rent alone he should get a flatmate. Or move into a shared house.

SilverRoe · 03/08/2021 22:44

wtf he’s actually planning on getting you to bankroll his living situation so he can do a Masters?

Just unbelievable

Ostryga · 03/08/2021 23:02

God op if you stay with him you’re signing yourself up for years of shit.

You are worth so much more. Why are you even pandering to this waste of space??

Come on!!! Have some self respect. You’re a woman, you KNOW you’re better than this.

lilmishap · 03/08/2021 23:40

And he just says that if he has to move back home then our relationship would probably have to end

Damn, it's a shame he isn't more committed to the relationship.

Still at least he told you how non committed he was before you fucked up your life by moving in with him.

I wanna scream 'haha you're a wanker' at this bloke...anyone else?

Original poster

Lilypad1603 · 04/08/2021 04:21

I find that so ironic. I'm not committed enough because I won't move in with him but he can just say that our relationship won't continue if he has to move to his parents' 2 hours away? I understand our intimacy will be affected but to say that relationship won't continue because of it, I struggle to understand that.

OP posts:

Monty27 · 04/08/2021 04:57

OP he's trying to hold you hostage and demanding you do something you don't want to do. I'm glad you're not falling for it.
Red flag for the future too so get shot of him. 👍🏼

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 04/08/2021 05:01

wait for my partner to have her house and then finally have a stable roof over my head and I can finally focus on my masters

He’s pretty much said it all. He is a wannabe cocklodger.
As above poster said how hideously unsexy, couldn’t agree more.
You sound very switched on and I think you can pretty much see what he’s about. As I said before and everyone else is saying please move on from him.
If he’s threatened self harm (which is almost certainly an attempt to manipulate and pressure you, as opposed to a genuine cry for help) because you don’t want to move in with him, or any other reason, just imagine what he would put you through if you did move in with him and decided to end the relationship. He’d make your life a living hell.
Find someone who loves you for who you are, not what you have.

ravenmum · 04/08/2021 10:26

My dd and her bf have both been studying. She's studying languages so has spent more than a year in another country. He's now been doing his Master's in another town and has thus spent the last year a six-hour train journey away.

Your bf just wants things his own way. There's not much else to understand by the sound of it.

Original poster

Lilypad1603 · 04/08/2021 11:12

Well that's exactly what I said to him. Because to say that the relationship won't work if he moves home which is a 2 hour journey to me is ridiculous. I've confronted him about all these things that he's said to me and he denies that he's meant them in a bad way. That his comment of killing himself wasn't him threatening me, it was him opening up to me. So to him I'm punishing him for opening up to me. Despite the fact that I said that I feel like my boundaries were disrespected, he still wants to consider us living together. Oh maaan 😒

OP posts:

Sakurami · 04/08/2021 11:47

Why are you still listening to him?

Notagain20 · 04/08/2021 12:03

I think you might be expecting him to understand your perspective, or for his responses to make logical sense - not going to happen. This isn'taa mmatter of him not quite understanding yet, he doesn't want to so he won't. You don't need his understanding or agreement to move on, you just have to drop the rope and walk away.

Or as PP put it much more succinctly, why are you still listening to him??

Alfiemoon1 · 04/08/2021 12:32

Please leave this relationship it is coercive. Unfortunately my dd is in a similar relationship she has moved in with her boyfriend after he gave similar blackmail if you loved me you would if you were committed you would move in. He also gave her the suicide threats if she tried to end the relationship. She is a shadow of her former self has isolated herself from her friends and family and is constantly stressed she’s 19 you are only 24 please leave this is not a healthy relationship

Colourmeclear · 04/08/2021 14:27

If he's "opened up to you", then you need to have a talk about safety plans, encourage him to talk to his GP or self refer to IAPT. He could call Shelter and CAB about his living situation and options.

I suspect he will shy away from these conversations because the only thing that will help him is you, doing what you are told which will set the tone for the rest of your relationship once he knows it works. It's downhill from here.

wewereliars · 04/08/2021 14:38

He's very bad news OP, time to move on. Be glad for the early warning before he's tied you in.

ravenmum · 04/08/2021 14:40

to him I'm punishing him for opening up to me
This is him manipulating you again. If you question his motives, you are a bad person. You don't want to be a bad person, so you stop questioning his motives.

Sure, he might not be deliberately being a manipulative shit. That doesn't mean he is not being a manipulative shit.

When someone makes you feel like a bad person, the relationship is not healthy.

Original poster

Lilypad1603 · 04/08/2021 14:42

I said to him that if he really felt that way (wanting to kill himself) then let's get help. But otherwise throwing statements like that is not ok. He said that he's not actually going to do it and it was a passing thought and how "if I died it would make things easier for you" like what the hell....

OP posts:

wewereliars · 04/08/2021 14:45

classic guilt tripping tactic honestly, just get rid

AdaFuckingShelby · 04/08/2021 14:47

@Lilypad1603

Thank you for your reply. Yeah he works and is hoping to split living expenses. His whole argument for us living together revolves mostly about his need to find a rental in the next three months. We haven't even discussed what we'd do if one of us loses an income and whether we're ready to support two people on one income. These little details.

His reasons revolve around his needs. Says it all. Move on and find a relationship based around joint decisions that meet the needs of both people, not where one partner is trying to get what they want by threatening suicide.

ravenmum · 04/08/2021 14:48

"if I died it would make things easier for you"
So literally a martyr?

He said that he's not actually going to do it and it was a passing thought
Then he shouldn't have said it to you, placing an unbearable pressure on you, whether that was his intention or not. He's about to do a Master's. He's 29. He's not a teenager accidentally blurting out every passing thought without realising what he's doing.

Next time he says "If X happens that's the end of our relationship", just agree. If he says that makes you a bad person, agree that you are a bad person and thus he'll be better off without you.

atlastifoundit · 04/08/2021 14:56

@Lilypad1603

The landlord increased his rent and my partner asked for some maintenance to be done around the place before his signs the lease, which in retrospect now he regrets. He doesn't have much in savings, no. I've suggested to him multiple times that if things don't work out, move back home and start again. Live with family and save up a bit. He wants to do post grad, so I said take the opportunity to do some study as well. And he just says that if he has to move back home then our relationship would probably have to end. His family lives 2 hours away from me. Hardly long distance. His other options are to just be stuck in the renting cycle or "wait for my partner to have her house and then finally have a stable roof over my head and I can finally focus on my masters". So yeah.

Oh dear me, no no no no NO!!! He wants you to move in with him so you can work to pay the rent and bills while he dosses around studies. Please don't do that.

And don't listen to his manipulative nonsense about him killing himself unless you do what he says. That's coercion and blackmail.

The hills are that way >>>>>>>>>>>> Run.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 04/08/2021 14:58

Oh @Lilypad1603 RUN!! Seriously!

Do not move in with him. You are so young. Don't ruin your life with this awful " man" because trust me, he will ruin it.