H taking stress out on me..

[ToomuchHeat]

It's late and another example of H taking his stress out on me.

We're watching telly he comes upstairs about 1030 often he reads sometimes til midnight sometimes im in bed earlier and he comes up later.

Tonight I'm downstairs he texts at 1050 saying use your phone torch when you go to bed im going to sleep. I say Ok and carry on watching my programme - honestly I don't have my phone on sound and im just chilling watching my programme when he storms downstairs pushes door open - frightens life out of me asking me what the hell im doing why aren't I coming to bed etc I realise it's 1130 and then I think shit so Im like sorry I didn't know any thing was wrong.

I thought he had gone to bed I didn't realise the time. Says he's going to set up the bed in the spare bedroom in future. He's stressed with work and he takes it out on me.

This is one of many small incidents and I feel like im walking on eggshells. To put it into perspective I run my own business. Im working round the kids. He puts kids to bed and he does the clothes washing. I do every thing else all the house admin. I do all the presents - parties - insurances I manage the food/kids stuff you name it. Manage the bills. I basically work my work around things so he can concentrate on his work.

We have zero support. Kids are amazing 6 & 9

I'm just tired of the eggshells I don't know when he's going to flip. I make sure he can exercise when he wants etc Work round his timetable . I always take kids places with me and keep them out of his way he has the best room in the house as his office and mainly wfh. I've set up my office in the spare bedroom.

I'm just tried of being the person that has to have stress taken out on me. I'm tired of it all.

Can't sleep he's snoring away and my chest hurts with anxiety and tears

I want to just leave him to his stress and his life and take my kids

Been together 18 years married for 11

Ages 40 and 41

Will he be going back to work, I mean going OUT to work, again in the near future?

I really do think working from home has been extremely stressful for some people, especially those married with children. It might be different when he is out of the house, mixing with colleagues again.

How you are feeling is understandable and it can't be much fun for your kids. I don't get why he came storming downstairs asking why you hadn't come to bed. He chose to go to bed early and could have gone to sleep while you watched TV downstairs for a while longer. Let him stay sleeping in the spare room!

If things don't improve, you have to get out for your own sanity.

Sorry you are feeling like this tonight. I was married for 26 years to a selfish prick who used to pull this sort of shit too. It's awful, they call you all-sorts of names then peacefully go off to sleep leaving you anxious and your stomach churning. It's 5 years since we split and I don't regret it for a minute. I'm much happier and never have to feel like that again. No one who is a good person an sleep peacefully having caused that sort of anxiety in the person they are supposed to love.

I think your life may be better without this aggro. Do you think there's any chance of him changing? Or when/ if work returns will that help? I am sorry, I totally understand and am in the same situation. I don't want to be a big hypocrite and give advice but it's so awful isn't it to exist with this. You could try and discuss it, it depends on his personality really. Good luck ❤️

Have you spoken to him about how his behaviour makes you feel? If so, how did he respond? If not, what stops you?

It's horrible to feel work stress even when you're not working, but he's an adult. He's responsible for himself and if work is affecting his home life, he needs to do something about it.

I suspect he's using 'work stress' as an excuse to treat you badly. The situation you describe wasn't stressful at all, and he clearly got wound up all by himself about something he thought you were doing wrong. Work didn't get in the way of him coming downstairs to ask 'Are you coming to bed soon, darling?', did it. He actively chose to have a massive go at you.

His behaviour is actually abusive.

You may find that it gets better with him going back to the office to work, or you may just realise his stress is affecting many parts of your marriage and that it’s time to reconsider your options.

I did the latter - I left - and I can’t tell you how much better life is now. Meanwhile, he’s still stressed out and taking it out on those around him.

Life is stressful - there's no excuse for behaving in this way. This isn't about stress, it's about being a bully and angry arsehole.

It's really controlling to enforce a bedtime on a grown adult woman.

If you coming to bed disturbs him then you should talk about what you can do. But he doesn't get to tell you what time you should go to bed!

And you shouldn't tolerate his flipping and walking on eggshells either.

Tell him to either start behaving like a respectful and responsible adult or you can split.

@ToomuchHeat

I think he's had it far too easy with you always 'prioritizing' him and his needs, and his moods, and his stress, and his work etc etc

Just when the hell does he ever 'prioritize' you ? Your needs, your work, your stress etc etc ????

You need to sit him down when he is calm and simply tell him you have had enough of his crap ! He either stops behaving like an 8yr old bully in the school yard, or he can bloody leave !

I'd tell him straight that the way he has been treating you is unacceptable (and I'm damn sure he wouldn't ever treat a colleague/friend/boss the way he treats you, would he ?) and if it doesn't stop immediately, then the marriage is over, because it's crystal clear that he chooses to vent and get angry at you. It's not (and never has been !) 'outwith his control'.

Set up the spare room for one of you to sleep in then you aren't going to disturb each other. Then you need to sit down with him and tell him the effect he is having on his family and ask him what does he .propose to do about it to. improve life for you all.

Ltb

I'm with @skipperjonce. Instead of seeing a doctor about his stress he is being abusive to you. The children will be picking up on it.

His behaviour last night was atrocious. Why the hell do you have to go to bed when HE says so. I understand he doesn't want to be woken when you go to bed (my dh always goes to bed before me), but to storm down and shout at you is simply unacceptable!

Have you tried to talk to him firstly about his behaviour? And secondly the division of labour.

Please remember OP, you aren't on this Earth to facilitate his life and be his emotional punch bag! You should be working as a partnership, both getting equal benefits and making equal compromises with each other. It seems to me that you're making all the compromises and he's getting all the benefits. Which I think might be ok IF he treated you like a princess, but he gets all that you give him and still abuses you.

I agree with upandown. You need to start valuing yourself and your time. When you value yourself as the lowest priority, everyone else will value you like that as well.

If you both work FT, you should be splitting chores and childcare equally. It's great that your job has some flex, but that doesn't mean you have to pull his weight as well as your own.

And stop tiptoeing around him (assuming you aren't scared of what he might do). You're an adult, equal to him. You have just as much right to say how the house runs as he does. You set your bedtime, not him. He wants you to use a torch when you come to bed? OK, as long as he does the same when you're in bed first. You make time for him to exercise, you need to demand the same from him so you can exercise.

Lastly, if you want to leave him, you can. No-one has to stay in a relationship that doesn't make them happy.

Thanks for the responses everyone - I was hiding under the duvet typing and I heard him stirring next to me and I quickly put my phone away before the light woke him up.

I did argue with him last night I was in tears I said I don't deserve this - he started going on about work/stress important stuff he needed to get done this week that he isn't going to do anymore (this could be detrimental to his job/our future). I just said to him he has no right to speak to me like he does and he needs to make decisions about his job. I said I cope with the stress of my job and work it round the kids.

He is the primary earner massive mistake I made was to become a SAHM for about 4 years when I used to earn double his salary. Now facilitated his 'rise' and continue to do so.

I just feel disconnected from him. Kids do pick up on things they'll say you can't say that to mummy etc

It's tiring - I'm tired.

If he could he would always sleep in the spare room - he used to do that. I remember picking up the wank tissues and throwing them away.

At the start of the pandemic I said now we are home we should share a room.

His office is still very strict about coming in...I think yes he should start going in though. I'm so so so tired I can't describe how I feel.

@updownroundandround I said this last night about who else he treats like this and why treat me like this? I'm the one person on his side I said.

I don't know why he is like this.

I feel I want to just withdraw from him/his family we have family parties coming up on his side and a holiday with them. I just don't want to be part of it.

Seems that your wellbeing doesn't feature on his list of 'important stuff', but his is at the top.

It's shit for you, OP. You need to set some boundaries and let him know the consequences. If he can't sort himself out, you need to separate.

I know if feels horrible but I do think it's good that you acknowledge that you feel disconnected from him, and that it's all very tiring for you. This demonstrates that you are still in touch with your own feelings, rather than going down the 'Is there something wrong with me? Is it my fault?' route. Your mindset is healthy and hasn't been ground down by the eggshell feeling yet. Keep true to your own feelings. Doing so will be really good for you, and an awesome education for your kids, even if you have to split up. I wish my mum had left my dad!

You picked up his wank tissues? It simply shows you exactly how far down the ladder you come.... he's happy to leave them out, firstly for you to find, and secondly for you to clear up. It's so disrespectful

I'm going to write a letter to him. I won't be celebrating anything this weekend. He can take the children. I'm going to visit my family next week without him. Annoys me as it gives him a week off but just means I get some respite staying with my mum.

The following weekend he has a family party I'll let him take the kids and I'll stay home and rest. Feel exhausted thinking my rest won't come for a week and a half.

@bigbaggyeyes I don't think he thought I would see them they were under the bedside table in the spare room even I was thinking what the hell are these!! Disgusting

@TheFoundations very very hard not to doubt myself - very hard.

This is abuse. What support do you need to leave him?

Be careful writing to him that you don't just provide ammunition for him to abuse you further.

You cannot reason with an abuser, he is only interested in having power and control over you - not reason.

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