H taking stress out on me..

[ToomuchHeat]

It's late and another example of H taking his stress out on me.

We're watching telly he comes upstairs about 1030 often he reads sometimes til midnight sometimes im in bed earlier and he comes up later.

Tonight I'm downstairs he texts at 1050 saying use your phone torch when you go to bed im going to sleep. I say Ok and carry on watching my programme - honestly I don't have my phone on sound and im just chilling watching my programme when he storms downstairs pushes door open - frightens life out of me asking me what the hell im doing why aren't I coming to bed etc I realise it's 1130 and then I think shit so Im like sorry I didn't know any thing was wrong.

I thought he had gone to bed I didn't realise the time. Says he's going to set up the bed in the spare bedroom in future. He's stressed with work and he takes it out on me.

This is one of many small incidents and I feel like im walking on eggshells. To put it into perspective I run my own business. Im working round the kids. He puts kids to bed and he does the clothes washing. I do every thing else all the house admin. I do all the presents - parties - insurances I manage the food/kids stuff you name it. Manage the bills. I basically work my work around things so he can concentrate on his work.

We have zero support. Kids are amazing 6 & 9

I'm just tired of the eggshells I don't know when he's going to flip. I make sure he can exercise when he wants etc Work round his timetable . I always take kids places with me and keep them out of his way he has the best room in the house as his office and mainly wfh. I've set up my office in the spare bedroom.

I'm just tried of being the person that has to have stress taken out on me. I'm tired of it all.

[quote ToomuchHeat]@TheFoundations very very hard not to doubt myself - very hard. [/quote]
Again, it's good you can see this. You're very self aware.

Feeling like you want to withdraw is your natural instinct, here. Don't question it. And if you feel like there's something you're doing wrong, have a think about what it is, and whether or not 'your problem' is a problem in your life anywhere except within this specific relationship. So, 'He makes me feel like I'm x/y/z, and that's what's causing the problems here. Does anybody else think I'm x/y/z? Do I myself think I'm x/y/z? Do his reasons for making me feel x/y/z seem sensible and logical to me?'

I'll bet you my piano that you're not 'x/y/z' - he just wants you to think you are, so that he can keep having someone to piss off (ie control)

Don't doubt yourself. Just don't. Even if you were a total nightmare, the healthy response from him would be to leave you and make the best for him and the children. Making somebody walk on eggshells isn't a healthy choice, regardless of why he says he's treating you that way.

Interesting that you posted about this OP. My H is exactly the same, except he actually switches the TV off and just ‘presumes’ that we go to bed at the same time. I posted about this before as I wondered if it was just me. He also is constantly stressed ref work - and uses me as an emotional punchbag. We’ve been married over 20 years ,no kids at home and I’m very much in 2 minds about the future as we are late 50s and I know full well he will not be an easy going pensioner

Thanks @TheFoundations he's just come upstairs saying he thinks he needs to apologise - not just apologise. I said it's a lot more than that and I'm working and I can't talk about it now. I want to get my work done then take the kids out.

I know I can be outspoken. I am a little heart on sleeve. I probably exude confidence but I'm not really I lack self esteem. I'm very self aware though and mindful. I'm very intuitive. I know he's a different person without work stress. He's also very insecure.

@Crikeyalmighty my worry too!!

I know I can be outspoken. I am a little heart on sleeve

He needs to love these things about you, not make you feel bad for it. You are who you are.

I think he does. I know others do too.

I wonder if to make me feel like this is his intention - or just his reaction. Like a child. He doesn't have the emotional awareness to think he can't behave like this.

We're from different families he's from a well off family - they had everything growing up. They have a strong work ethic are high achievers but I think selfishness and being spoilt comes with that perhaps?

My family we are immigrants and we have grafted I'm first generation that's gone to uni. Im grateful for the opportunities I have my mum's biggest concern for me was when I became a SAHM was that it would impact my career and therefore my freedom. It has really although I have my own business now. It's not the same as what I had.

He needs to sleep in the spare room (or you).

Set it up so he has no excuse.

Still agree with other posters that hes actually abusive though.

Too much focus being put on your shitty husband, when it should be solely on the kids having to endure this. Living in an abusive house damages kids for life, having adrenaline and cortisol flood their developing brains. I speak from experience, sadly. Your kids are trying to protect you from the abuser by telling him not to speak to you like that, and walking on eggshells. That’s absolutely appalling. If you’re staying in this sham of a marriage, what are your plans for getting them to cope with it?

@NowEvenBetter

Too much focus being put on your shitty husband, when it should be solely on the kids having to endure this. Living in an abusive house damages kids for life, having adrenaline and cortisol flood their developing brains. I speak from experience, sadly. Your kids are trying to protect you from the abuser by telling him not to speak to you like that, and walking on eggshells. That’s absolutely appalling. If you’re staying in this sham of a marriage, what are your plans for getting them to cope with it?

Quite correct - it does cause lifelong damage.

She can't enable them to cope with being forced to live in an abusive home. It's impossible.

These children are being failed.

@NowEvenBetter I think they just stand up for me and call out his behaviour when they see it's not right to speak to someone like that.

Perhaps I have no barometer as I grew up in an abusive household in that my father was an alcoholic - he wasn't physically abusive but we grew up witnessing a lot of trauma. My kids lives are amazing in comparison to mine/my parents.

@user16395699 you're not getting this right.

@user16395699 just thinking on it
Maybe you are right - perhaps that's why my DC shout and answer back because they've seen/heard shouting

[quote ToomuchHeat]@user16395699 just thinking on it
Maybe you are right - perhaps that's why my DC shout and answer back because they've seen/heard shouting [/quote]
Yes.

And developmental trauma caused by living in such an environment does cause lifelong damage. That is correct to say. It affects the development of their brain and central nervous system in ways which are permanent. It would have happened to you.

My kids lives are amazing in comparison to mine/my parents.

"My kids abusive lives are amazing in comparison to my even more deeply abusive childhood" is completely the wrong test. You make the assessment of the quality of a child's life by comparing to a safe, healthy childhood not an abusive, unhealthy one.

Compared to the safe, healthy non-abusive childhood that they deserve, this is horrific and they are being failed. Just as you were.

I'm sorry that you find it uncomfortable to hear, but it is the truth. This is another generation of abused, traumatised children if you stay.

Your perception of normal, healthy relationships, homes and environments has been hugely distorted and now so has theirs.

You do have the power to break the cycle, but that will require you to leave and seek professional support to enable you to understand what a non-abusive life looks like, so that you can teach them.

I'm not saying it for kicks, but because it's true. I'm being blunt because I can see that your own childhood denied you the ability to see this for what it is, so hinting at it won't reach you. That's all.

Thanks @user16395699

When you grow up in an abusive household, you don't get the chance to develop a good set of boundaries or "shark cage".

So while your husband may not be as bad as what you grew up with, it's still not good enough for you, nor for your children.

No one is born with a shark cage. A shark cage is a set of ideas and skills that create good boundaries and self-esteem. People with good shark cages will weigh any potential new relationship against how happy they already are. Some of the things that contribute to having a good shark cage include:
- Being raised to believe you’re valuable and important.
- Having adults in your life who model healthy, mutual relationships.
- Being taught from an early age that your body belongs to you and no one can touch it without your permission.
- Believing that you are fundamentally equal to other human beings.
- Knowing how to say “no” effectively.
- Knowing how to tell the difference between interest in you as a person and as an object.
- Trusting your “spidey-sense” when it tells you to turn someone down.

@category12

Shark Cage. That's amazing. I built mine after a rough childhood and some crap relationships, and an AMAZING counsellor, but I've never heard it called that. Have you got any links? I tried googling 'Shark cage', and just got... shark cages...

[quote TheFoundations]@category12

Shark Cage. That's amazing. I built mine after a rough childhood and some crap relationships, and an AMAZING counsellor, but I've never heard it called that. Have you got any links? I tried googling 'Shark cage', and just got... shark cages...[/quote]
It's so spot on isn't it? Google 'shark cage relationship analogy' for some great reading material. I so wish I had seen all this when I was in my late teens and my twenties!

www.google.co.uk/search?q=shark+cage+relationship+analogy&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-gb&client=safari

www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Here's where it's explained really well ^.

My immediate thought was who the F does he think he is dictating your bedroom.

DH sometimes used to take himself off to bed without telling me but he eventually understood it was rude to not just let me know!!

I can't imagine either of us dictating when the other goes to bed.

18 years is long enough for any relationship imo. Theres a world of better stuff out there

My ex was very similar. He would storm into the bedroom if I was lying in and rip the duvet off. He'd turn the main light on at 5am when he got up for work but I couldn't use a reading lamp. If he was up, I was up, no exception. I still sometimes ask my current partner if I can go to bed and he gives me have 15 mins alone before he comes up because the novelty of being in my bed, alone, without an abusive dickhead to spoil it, hasn't worn off and it's the highlight of my day! (I'm not as sad as that sounds I promise!). These things really matter when you feel like they've been taken away from you but we tell ourselves that's it's only a tiny sacrifice. When your daily life is a thousand tiny sacrifices, something is wrong.

Your children can see his behaviour is wrong, I doubt they care whether it's work stress or not. Adults sometimes think ourselves into corners and children just see straight through the crap. They sound very wise.

He's controlling isn't he. I don't want my DC to end up in controlling relationships

The longer you stay OP, the more likely it is that they will replicate this dynamic in their own adult relationships.

I'm just tired of the eggshells I don't know when he's going to flip. I make sure he can exercise when he wants etc Work round his timetable . I always take kids places with me and keep them out of his way he has the best room in the house as his office and mainly wfh.

The way you feel you need to regulate and manage another adult's behaviour is heartbreaking. You manage the kids and yourself around his moods and walk on eggshells constantly.

As someone who was a kid who grew up in a tense household with a similar parenting dynamic, it does so much damage and people often kid themselves that staying is better for the children when really staying is simply exposing them to unhealthy relationship behaviour.

@ToomuchHeat

He's controlling isn't he. I don't want my DC to end up in controlling relationships

Your children will do what you do.

You are their template for 'relationship'.

Do what you would hope they would do if they found themselves in your position. Demonstrate to them that it's ok to do that.

You will break the abuse chain that will have passed to your parents from their parents ad infinitum. Offer something different to your kids.

I speak as somebody whose parents did not break the abuse cycle: Miserable, short relationships into my 40s. I'm good now, but only because I was abused to the extent I sought professional help. I wish my Mum had done what you have a chance to do for your kids now. My brother would say the same.

Show them what's right.

OP - I could have written this post. I massively sympathise. Your situation sounds so similar to my own.
Things got unbearable over the most recent lock down. DHs stress was through the roof and he lashed out at me every few weeks almost like a pressure valve going off.

After one evening of bullying from my DH I responded by booking private marriage guidance counselling. The thought of being scrutinised by someone outside of our marriage gave him a big shock. In the end we bought a marriage guidance book to work through instead of going to the counsellor (at least we could agree on going for a cheaper option). The book posed questions and then we each spoke in turn. Dh stuck to the rules and listened because he knew I'd be bringing in external guidance if he didn't. It has massively improved communication and helped me articulate how I feel and him to explore the roots of his stress and the impact of it on others. With WFH still going on we are still a long way from where we want to be but it feels this has got us moving in the right direction.

Oh and the other thing I recommend - when I got fed up with picking up his crap, i started sticking it in a laundry basket and putting it in his office. Tissues, dirty cups, things he can't be arsed to put away or wash - it just all quietly goes in the basket and straight into his space!