H taking stress out on me..

[ToomuchHeat]

It's late and another example of H taking his stress out on me.

We're watching telly he comes upstairs about 1030 often he reads sometimes til midnight sometimes im in bed earlier and he comes up later.

Tonight I'm downstairs he texts at 1050 saying use your phone torch when you go to bed im going to sleep. I say Ok and carry on watching my programme - honestly I don't have my phone on sound and im just chilling watching my programme when he storms downstairs pushes door open - frightens life out of me asking me what the hell im doing why aren't I coming to bed etc I realise it's 1130 and then I think shit so Im like sorry I didn't know any thing was wrong.

I thought he had gone to bed I didn't realise the time. Says he's going to set up the bed in the spare bedroom in future. He's stressed with work and he takes it out on me.

This is one of many small incidents and I feel like im walking on eggshells. To put it into perspective I run my own business. Im working round the kids. He puts kids to bed and he does the clothes washing. I do every thing else all the house admin. I do all the presents - parties - insurances I manage the food/kids stuff you name it. Manage the bills. I basically work my work around things so he can concentrate on his work.

We have zero support. Kids are amazing 6 & 9

I'm just tired of the eggshells I don't know when he's going to flip. I make sure he can exercise when he wants etc Work round his timetable . I always take kids places with me and keep them out of his way he has the best room in the house as his office and mainly wfh. I've set up my office in the spare bedroom.

I'm just tried of being the person that has to have stress taken out on me. I'm tired of it all.

Thanks @Rosieposie79 I have thought about contacting Relate x

Kids do pick up on things they'll say you can't say that to mummy etc

That's so sad and good at the same time. They actually know what respectful behaviour is it seems. I'm not sure how your kids will feel about a divorce (if it ends up going that far), but I don't think any child regrets the fact that their father moved out and suddenly they had a peaceful, lovely house to be in.

In the meantime, do you think you could both agree to a consistent bedtime where neither one of you is disturbing each other?

Joint counselling isn't a good idea where there's abuse.

@Rosieposie79

I love the washing basket ! That's an amazing way to get him to still have to sort his crap out, but without everyone else having to live in a mess !

@ToomuchHeat

You've said you don't want to do the family parties etc, and that you will tell him to just take the kids, but what do you think he will actually say to that ?

Remember, if you don't want to spend time with him or his family, you don't have to, regardless of what he says.

If he tries to force you to come because it would seem 'strange' to his family if you're not there, just ask him ''Well how do you think it'll look when I decide to divorce you because of your abuse ? Because that's the way things are going at the moment. If you can't or don't want to change your abusive behavior, then there's nothing else I can do.''

He's asked me about one of the parties this morning and I've said I don't think I'm going you sort it out with your family and he just responded 'ok'. He knows I'm not happy after the incident the other day.

We had another incident yesterday when he just snapped at me - we had to do some paperwork and it had to be put together in a certain way and I noticed his wasn't right - he wasn't happy I had pointed it out and I had to explain how to do it. Eggshells. I don't even think he realises he's snapping at me every two minutes it's just his default reaction.

I don't even think he realises he's snapping at me every two minutes it's just his default reaction

That's worse, really. He's not even upset with you and lashing out; he's just instinctively unpleasant to you. Ugh.

Yup. Exhausting. Utterly exhausting - I feel anxiety in my chest and pain in my body. Everything is dragging - I wonder if I'm also suffering from mild depression. I feel very foggy and displaced. Like I'm functioning from outside - working out what needs doing all the time - just getting things done - almost robotic but no feeling.

I wonder if I'm also suffering from mild depression

This is how an abusive relationship feels. Like depression, anxiety, dissociation... but often all these symptoms recede when you're with people who love and support you, and spending less time with the abuser.

I remember feeling like a complete nutcase inside the house, and as soon as I got to the outside doorstep, going out on my own, I was suddenly sane again. I was being called weird and pathetic and all kinds of stuff, but my friends all still thought I was the same rational, sensible person I'd always been. It was like being 2 people.

Does that ring any bells, op?

I do feel better when with my friends and family. When I'm with his family I feel like I'm putting on a show and feel irritable because of the pretending - I think his family must wonder what's wrong with me half the time. I've learned I can't say anything mildly against him to his mother as she just makes excuses for the behaviour in a general way.

Feel like I'm shutting down - I spoke to my mum and she just said she knows she didn't give us the best example of a healthy household but just not to argue in front of the children. I'm engaging on a minimal basis with him. Going to my mum's next week for a few days without him.

Hi too much - please look up Adult Children of Alcoholic and dysfunctional families. You will see 14 traits of adult children in there.
See what resonates.
We choose abusive partners or addicts!!!
I left my abusive ex - I’d normalised a lot of his behaviour but my idea of normal was distorted.
He will do enough to win you back round for a few weeks - be patient and understanding perhaps - he will soon retune back to his true self.
Protect yourself and your children.
Look up The Freedom Course and try and read Lundy Bancroft - inside the mind of controlling men - it’s a free download.
Keep posting if it helps you stay on track.

can't say anything mildly against him to his mother as she just makes excuses for the behaviour in a general way

That'll be why he is the way he is. It's not an excuse though. As an adult, he needs to be looking into his issues and taking responsibility for them, even if they are caused by poor parenting when he was little.

So many issues to deal with - I feel I have enough of my own. Thanks for the reference to Adult Children Of Alcoholics I've looked into this and as the eldest child have a lot of the traits. It was general chaos management day in and day out plus all that comes with being immigrants and my parents were teenagers when they had me.

Client call at midday and now time to put another hat on - my working professional hat...it's a lot isn't it.

You sound very unhappy and most of that unhappiness is to do with who he is/how he behaves and the impact that has on you.

It's all just making me think am I the one with the issues really. Not him confusing times. Thanks for the support on here.

@ToomuchHeat

It's all just making me think am I the one with the issues really. Not him confusing times. Thanks for the support on here.

If it was something about you, you'd feel the same in all your relationships. Friends/family/colleagues, everybody would be saying the same things.

They're not.

Abuse relies on and cannot continue without the victim believing that they are at least partially to blame. My counsellor said to me 'The onltything wrong with you is that you think that there's something wrong with you.' As soon as i got out of that mindset, I was free.

Fundamentally, you can stay and try to change your 'faults', which will be a miserable journey without self acceptance, or you can say 'Oh well, I am what I am, and this relationship doesn't make me or you happy, so it has to end.'

Those are really the only options here. Do you really think you're going to be able to teach yourself to relax when he keeps exploding unpredictably all the time?

@ToomuchHeat

I do feel better when with my friends and family. When I'm with his family I feel like I'm putting on a show and feel irritable because of the pretending - I think his family must wonder what's wrong with me half the time. I've learned I can't say anything mildly against him to his mother as she just makes excuses for the behaviour in a general way.

Feel like I'm shutting down - I spoke to my mum and she just said she knows she didn't give us the best example of a healthy household but just not to argue in front of the children. I'm engaging on a minimal basis with him. Going to my mum's next week for a few days without him.

You're traumatised. That foggy shut down feeling is dissociation. It is your brain trying to protect you from the trauma by disconnecting you from your body.

Depression and anxiety are both side effects of trauma. As the trauma heals, they dissipate.

Joint therapy is dangerous where there is abuse. No competent therapist would undertake it.

That anxious feeling in your chest will be shared by your children.

You are right to say you have issues - you are very traumatised. But that is evidence of his abuse.

Yes, you have trauma from your childhood - and for what it's worth I am really sorry for what you went through - but you also have active trauma being caused by his abuse in the present.

If somebody had a broken leg because they were hit by a car, the injury would be evidence of what had happened to them. You wouldn't say that their broken leg made the car drive into them. Or that their leg broke spontaneously and they imagined the car.

Yet you've just suggested the equivalent about yourself. Doesn't make sense. Trauma is an injury.

Your mum is sadly not the best person to advise you on healthy relationships or healthy childhoods or whether how you are living is ok. Nor is the mother of your abusive partner.

Speaking to Women's Aid or the Freedom Programme may be more useful to you. You need voices from outside your circle of abuse - talking to people for whom abuse is normalised in the way it has been for you and your children will just confuse you more.

Do you really think you're going to be able to teach yourself to relax when he keeps exploding unpredictably all the time?

Exactly. It's like lying in the middle of a desert without a drop to drink and wondering why you're dehydrated.

Thank you for the support I have a lot to think about regarding what's been normalised and what's seen as normal.

I mean now we're watching telly and kids are messing around so between us up and down the stairs trying to get them to sleep - but in the back of my mind was I must get the kids to sleep before he gets angry at one of them because they do mess around but I don't get angry cos well they're kids and it's the school holidays but he's always determined to have his time in the evenings and I say you can't always have the time in the evenings because we have small kids.

So I'm sitting here anxious now thinking I hope the kids settle so he doesn't get angry

@ToomuchHeat

How are you doing OP ?

Hello. Up and down. Another few incidents. Today I suggested a day trip and he said worried will get pinged - I suggested a Ferris wheel in a town near us. I said we won't get pinged I don't have the app and won't anyway as we are outdoors and no one will share the seats with us. anyway I got cross and said I'm taking the kids and he said I can do what I want but he's not fucking doing it and I can do what I fucking want to do.

I had a conversation with my mum about female mental load and he was there and he took it as a personal attack. As an idiot I just brought that up alongside rhe Ferris wheel shit don't ask me why and then he was like you're disrespecting me to your family . I asked my mum later and she was like she didn't even see it as about him but about the stuff I have to do for the kids the house etc like even now I'm thinking I need to do the meter readings lol

So he said He doesn't know why I'm
Bringing that up now (I guess he's right why am I?) he said aggressively he was going for a walk before he does or says something that he doesn't want to do. Great nice threats

Maybe I'm destructive now because I just want to be away. I'm going away on Monday can't wait

On the 14th (I'm back 12th or 13th) I won't go to the family parties

The worst bit is I'm wondering if to throw in a maintenance shag tonight that will make him kinder for a bit