H taking stress out on me..

[ToomuchHeat]

It's late and another example of H taking his stress out on me.

We're watching telly he comes upstairs about 1030 often he reads sometimes til midnight sometimes im in bed earlier and he comes up later.

Tonight I'm downstairs he texts at 1050 saying use your phone torch when you go to bed im going to sleep. I say Ok and carry on watching my programme - honestly I don't have my phone on sound and im just chilling watching my programme when he storms downstairs pushes door open - frightens life out of me asking me what the hell im doing why aren't I coming to bed etc I realise it's 1130 and then I think shit so Im like sorry I didn't know any thing was wrong.

I thought he had gone to bed I didn't realise the time. Says he's going to set up the bed in the spare bedroom in future. He's stressed with work and he takes it out on me.

This is one of many small incidents and I feel like im walking on eggshells. To put it into perspective I run my own business. Im working round the kids. He puts kids to bed and he does the clothes washing. I do every thing else all the house admin. I do all the presents - parties - insurances I manage the food/kids stuff you name it. Manage the bills. I basically work my work around things so he can concentrate on his work.

We have zero support. Kids are amazing 6 & 9

I'm just tired of the eggshells I don't know when he's going to flip. I make sure he can exercise when he wants etc Work round his timetable . I always take kids places with me and keep them out of his way he has the best room in the house as his office and mainly wfh. I've set up my office in the spare bedroom.

I'm just tried of being the person that has to have stress taken out on me. I'm tired of it all.

Is it typical for men like this to be liked to be dominated in the bedroom?

@ToomuchHeat

The worst bit is I'm wondering if to throw in a maintenance shag tonight that will make him kinder for a bit

That sentence made me so, so sad

That you feel it would benefit you to have sex with him not because you want to, but because it might make him behave like a human being towards you for a small amount of time

@ToomuchHeat

The worst bit is I'm wondering if to throw in a maintenance shag tonight that will make him kinder for a bit

He thinks you're being disrespectful to him because of what you said to your mum, and yet he's buying sex from you using basic respect as currency?

@ToomuchHeat

Is it typical for men like this to be liked to be dominated in the bedroom?

Who cares? Some do, some don't.

Are you trying to normalise what he's doing? Please don't. Just get away.

I guess I don't know what's better and the turmoil for the kids who adore their father.

It would mean breaking up so much. It's just scary to think about putting myself first.

I just want to say thank you. I feel like I've just been cowering under a rock.

@updownroundandround I feel sad too. Not sure what I want anymore.

@TheFoundations my boundaries are all over the place. I feel out of control in that I don't know what it normal anymore. I feel surrounded by men with issues.

Just wanted to say I'm going through something similar. I'm almost 40 and tread eggshells constantly. He recently shouted at me saying the house was a disgrace. We have smaller kids 1 (premature) and 4. Night before he shouted at me he was out with his friends. He's away now on a course and the relief I feel has sort of shocked me. We talk every day but I wouldn't mind if we didn't. Sort of speaks volumes doesn't it. If you want to talk please get in touch.

[quote ToomuchHeat]@TheFoundations my boundaries are all over the place. I feel out of control in that I don't know what it normal anymore. I feel surrounded by men with issues. [/quote]
Trying to work out what is normal and what isn't won't help you. Normal doesn't matter. Sometimes things that aren't really normal feel ok; that's why people can be in relationships that look odd from the outside, but be really happy. Sometimes things that are normal don't feel ok; that's why people can be in relationships where their partner doesn't 'touch base' with them as often as they want, and it ends in a spiral of anxiety.

Forget normal. What matters is what feels ok to you. You set your own boundaries; that's got nothing to do with what's normal and what isn't. If somebody does something and it makes you feel bad, they have crossed one of your boundaries.

Your situation regarding sex is a perfect example of this: It's totally normal for a husband and wife to have sex. Nobody could possibly argue otherwise. But for you, because of the way you have been treated by your husband, there is a boundary there, and you absolutely need to respect it. Again, nobody (except your husband) could argue otherwise.

Please understand that who has issues/who is normal/what you should do are all irrelevant when it comes to emotional issues. There are no rules. We all have individual and different responses and are made happy or sad or angry or xyz by different things. If you move towards the things/people that make you have the happy response, you will be happier. If you move towards the things/people that make you have the sad or angry response, you will be sadder or angrier.

Boundaries are nothing to do with 'normal', or anything else external. Your boundaries are yours. They won't be the same as anybody else's. 'Normal' for you is behaviour that fits in with the way that you feel you would behave in the same circumstance, and you make the rules about what you accept. Take responsibility for your own emotional welfare, and stop trying to do/be/act according to some external set of 'normality rules'. Respond to your feelings rather than doubting them.

Boundaries 101: If someone does something that makes you feel unpleasant, tell them, calmly. If they continue to do it, even though they know it unsettles you, then that behaviour is more important to them than you being ok. Distance yourself from them. That's it. That's boundaries. There's no fighting, no controlling, no justifying.

Thank you @TheFoundations I spoke in length to a friend today and she really thinks my H is going through a particularly stressful time at the moment with work (which he is) it's like I can download to my mum and my friends but he doesn't talk to anyone about his work/stress except me and to be honest I'm not listening at the moment

I know his work is very busy at the moment so it's hard and I know the knob he's being isn't the knob he always is - but I'm not excusing his behaviour as it's up to me at points to tolerate that behaviour or not

If you're tolerating so much that you'll have sex when you really don't want to in order to get a break from tolerating, do you not feel that's too much?

It doesn't really matter why he's treating you so poorly. Think about it. Imagine if one of your kids was being bullied and you spoke to the school. If the school said 'Oh, yes, but we're going to let that carry on, because the bully's having a really tough time at home at the moment.'

Would you say 'OK', or would you be up in arms, saying 'it doesn't effing well matter why the bully is bullying! It matters that it stops, NOW!!'

You're saying 'My poor bully has to bully me, because he's a victim of a very very tough life'.

What about you?

@TheFoundations I think I don't find the sex intolerable but it's very bad I know that I know it puts him in a better mood

My mum said today she's noticed he gets mad at the kids a lot. I just need time to get my ducks in a row to work out what is best timing - whether it will pass I don't know. He definitely needs help with his stress levels and also he can't stop me talking to people about it - just cos he won't talk to anyone about the shit in his life