Should I contact H's ex counsellor?

[ohstoplying]

I encouraged H to go to GP to ask about a particular type of MH therapy, I had to really push for him to do this. He did but that type of therapy wasn't available and he was given general counselling instead.
I was in the house, he was having a therapy session on the phone but he never told me. As I went to the kitchen I heard him in the living room basically lying to the counsellor. I did stop and listen and he just lied and lied. There were blatant contradictions and inconsistencies in his account that the counsellor clearly did not question. As well as outright lies there were also lies by omission.
Here are things he never told the counsellor:
That when I want to discuss something he doesn't want to he bangs his head on the wall and yells until I shut up
That he punched the wall next to my face when I told him I was not sharing a bedroom with him anymore
That he keeps coming into my bedroom when I am undressing and gets angry when I tell him he has to leave
That he calls me an evil bitch in front of the children
That when I tell him we need to talk about separating as we are both unhappy and its bad for the children that he tells me he won't and have to stay married to him.
That I pushed him to get the MH support he needs, that I gave up my own career to support his, that I have arranged family support for us/him, that I encourage him to go out and make friends, that I encourage him to do projects with the kids that they all enjoy and I get all the equipment they need for this, that basically I facilitate the life he wants. That I organise all of the nice family time with the children that he enjoys.
I could go on and on and on

He is now finished the counselling and is gloating and smirking and telling me how 'its very interesting' and how his counsellor spoke to her manager and they both agree that I am emotionally abusive to him.

I am absolutely gutted that the counsellors have gullibly swallowed the narrative of this idiot and have allowed themselves to become a tool in his egotism and rage against me for no longer loving him. They have made things so much worse for me.

Should I write to them? I would like them to be aware in the hope that it might encourage them to be more alert in future to becoming unwitting pawns in an abusive man's narrative.

What are you hoping to achieve in contacting the counselor? It sounds as if your relationship has reached the end and you need to split up to stay safe.

As awful as watching him lie and get support for his shitty behaviour, there is nothing you can do about this. Therapy is between him and his counsellor. If he chooses to lie and, therefore, not get the help he needs that's on him.

Why are you still with him? This isn't good, is it? The counselling is the least of your worries.

No, love, you just leave him and stop putting up with his horrid behaviour.

No. Get your own counselling and work out how to leave this abusive relationship.

How long did you listen?

His counselling is not for you. Its for him. The counsellor isn't going to tell him, off the back of one session that he is being abused by you. Or it's very unlikely. And it would take a good few sessions before they get to how he reacts.

A counsellor also isn't going to say 'hmm that's not what you said earlier'. More likely a counsellor will try and guide them to the realisation that everyone knows they are chatting shit.

Counselling only works if you the counsellor is good AND the person engages. My exh did the same. Came home told me what they had talked about and how she said it was my fault. He recounting was full of lies. I pointed that out and he just sat there.

I said, that even if she had said it was my fault. She was giving that opinion based on his lies.

Abusers often just treat counselling as another stick to beat their victims with. Its pointless and actually, more harmful to the victims in alot of cases.

His counsellor won't speak to you. You can't call her and tell her he is lying. You will look like you stood at the door listening to is whole private session and are now trying to get her to side with you. THAT will make you look abusive.

You just need to accept the marriage is irreparable and start getting ready to end it.

I am very sorry though

No its not good. And I am glad I listened because it made me realise that there is no point trying anymore. After everything I have done, and after I get him to go for MH support, he still manages to say I 'want the worse for him' and turns everything against me, then what's the point.

But as I said in my post, I am bloody furious that those gullible women enabled his fantasy that I am the bad guy and he is the victim. I want them to be aware that their uncritical approach could cause real harm to women in abusive relationships. I have had counselling in the past and the good ones do challenge you. The good ones realise that you have developed narratives that aren't serving you and challenge those. These numpties just endorsed his victim narrative that is making him, and me, miserable.

Even if you contacted the counsellor and they listened to you, do you honestly think he would change?

How many sessions did he have?

Abusers often just treat counselling as another stick to beat their victims with. Its pointless and actually, more harmful to the victims in alot of cases

This! This is what I think counsellors need to be alert to!

@5togo

How many sessions did he have?

I'm not sure - it was on the NHS so it was their allocated number, 6 or 8 I think.

@Zarene

No, love, you just leave him and stop putting up with his horrid behaviour.

This ..

why the hell are you waiting for permission to leave this Bully. 😳

I should also say that I was having counselling at the same time and my, excellent, counsellor did not go about labelling my husband, a man she has never meant and only had my subjective view on, but instead focussed on helping me with my own thought patterns and how I could think more constructively and what steps I can take to improve my own life. Which is what I think good counselling should look like.

That's not how counselling works. Even if the counsellor is onto him and his lies, she won't call him out on them directly. Even lies and omissions are informative and if she's good, she will have used that information to steer him towards recognising his own behaviour.

Also, you have absolutely no proof that what he says is true. It's equally as possible that she has suggested to him that he's abusive but he's just twisted it to suit him and everything his counsellor is saying to him about him, he's saying to you about you.

You seem to want the counsellor to be a judge and jury. Some sort of arbiter who will rule that he's at fault and then once that happens, he'll miraculously change. That's not what counsellors do and that's never going to happen.

The bottom line is he's abusive.

A counsellor telling him he's abusive won't stop him being abusive.

A counsellor not telling him he's abusive is not enabling his abuse.

He's an abuser with or without a counsellor's opinion on the matter either way.

So you need to decide what you are going to do.

Forget the counselling..

Leave 🌸

He is violent towards you. Have you started a plan to leave?

You are completely focusing on the wrong thing right now by obsessing about what he is telling this counsellor and whether to intervene.

The only thing worth expending time and energy on is building a plan to exit this dangerous and abusive relationship as soon as possible.

A counsellor who has not raised any concerns with you about the risk you are at is not meeting their professional or ethical responsibilities. Even if it is less confronting for you that they have not done so.

how I could think more constructively and what steps I can take to improve my own life

Exiting this violent and abusive relationship is a constructive step that would improve your life immensely.

That's not how counselling works. Even if the counsellor is onto him and his lies, she won't call him out on them directly. Even lies and omissions are informative and if she's good, she will have used that information to steer him towards recognising his own behaviour

But she didn't do that. She actively endorsed his view that I am entirely at fault and only want the worst for him: that he is the poor victim of abusive me. I am furious!

You seem to want the counsellor to be a judge and jury. Some sort of arbiter who will rule that he's at fault and then once that happens, he'll miraculously change. That's not what counsellors do and that's never going to happen
If I had known that he would have got sent for general counselling instead I would never have encouraged him to go to the GP as I know that most general counsellors are crap and absolutely do not have the skills to deal with someone like him, and nor is that their job. It was a very specific therapy targeted at his particular behaviours that I wanted him to ask about. In retrospect that was stupid of me as he just doesn't want to admit fault or responsibility so that wouldn't have worked either. I guess I was just desperate and wanted to give everything a go.

And now I have and know that there's not point anymore. So I guess I got some conclusion from it after all.

He is now finished the counselling and is gloating and smirking and telling me how 'its very interesting' and how his counsellor spoke to her manager and they both agree that I am emotionally abusive to him.

But you know this is a lie! It's pointless getting angry and dismissing them as 'gulllible women'. And actually stating I would like them to be aware in the hope that it might encourage them to be more alert in future to becoming unwitting pawns in an abusive man's narrative is quite offensive. What makes you decide that your husband's lies - and your opinion - reflect these counsellors professional judgement and abilities?
The gullible one is YOU. You are with an abusive dickhead and have decided that his version of the 'truth' - even though you've listened in and KNOW he is a liar - is true. These women are 'gullible' and 'unwitting pawns'.

Don't be so silly.

Instead of getting angry with people you don't know get angry with the twat you are living with. And leave him.

Have you started a plan to leave?
I have now, now I know he is a lost cause.

A counsellor who has not raised any concerns with you about the risk you are at is not meeting their professional or ethical responsibilities. Even if it is less confronting for you that they have not done so
She did discuss why she thinks I need to leave. She was brilliant. But she did it without labelling him, or apportioning blame to someone she does not know, unlike his idiot counsellors.

Why would his trained councillor need to talk to her manager, I I doubt she said you are abusive, dont you think he is just making this shit up. He is a manipulative bully and you need to get out of this relationship asap. How old are the DC. You can put a lock on your bedroom door, have little contact with him, contact womens aid and a solicitor. What's the situation with the house and work.

@MadMadMadamMim

He is now finished the counselling and is gloating and smirking and telling me how 'its very interesting' and how his counsellor spoke to her manager and they both agree that I am emotionally abusive to him.

But you know this is a lie! It's pointless getting angry and dismissing them as 'gulllible women'. And actually stating I would like them to be aware in the hope that it might encourage them to be more alert in future to becoming unwitting pawns in an abusive man's narrative is quite offensive. What makes you decide that your husband's lies - and your opinion - reflect these counsellors professional judgement and abilities?
The gullible one is YOU. You are with an abusive dickhead and have decided that his version of the 'truth' - even though you've listened in and KNOW he is a liar - is true. These women are 'gullible' and 'unwitting pawns'.

Don't be so silly.

Instead of getting angry with people you don't know get angry with the twat you are living with. And leave him.

A counsellor are you?

Was it therapy to address bpd? If so, I think being an abusive man looks a lot like bpd, from some angles, but being abusive is a choice.
As is wasting his counsellor's time lying to her.

You can't control either but you can get help to leave the relationship.
Try and save your energy for that.
It really doesn't matter in the long run if that counsellor got given a false picture.

But she didn't do that. She actively endorsed his view that I am entirely at fault and only want the worst for him: that he is the poor victim of abusive me. I am furious

How do you know that though? Just because he said so? Why do you believe him?

Why would his trained councillor need to talk to her manager I presume its his supervisor that all counsellors, as far as I am aware, have and they discussed his case.

Did he tell you she'd said that or did you hear her say it.