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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I contact H's ex counsellor?

82 replies

ohstoplying · 02/08/2021 15:19

I encouraged H to go to GP to ask about a particular type of MH therapy, I had to really push for him to do this. He did but that type of therapy wasn't available and he was given general counselling instead.
I was in the house, he was having a therapy session on the phone but he never told me. As I went to the kitchen I heard him in the living room basically lying to the counsellor. I did stop and listen and he just lied and lied. There were blatant contradictions and inconsistencies in his account that the counsellor clearly did not question. As well as outright lies there were also lies by omission.
Here are things he never told the counsellor:
That when I want to discuss something he doesn't want to he bangs his head on the wall and yells until I shut up
That he punched the wall next to my face when I told him I was not sharing a bedroom with him anymore
That he keeps coming into my bedroom when I am undressing and gets angry when I tell him he has to leave
That he calls me an evil bitch in front of the children
That when I tell him we need to talk about separating as we are both unhappy and its bad for the children that he tells me he won't and have to stay married to him.
That I pushed him to get the MH support he needs, that I gave up my own career to support his, that I have arranged family support for us/him, that I encourage him to go out and make friends, that I encourage him to do projects with the kids that they all enjoy and I get all the equipment they need for this, that basically I facilitate the life he wants. That I organise all of the nice family time with the children that he enjoys.
I could go on and on and on

He is now finished the counselling and is gloating and smirking and telling me how 'its very interesting' and how his counsellor spoke to her manager and they both agree that I am emotionally abusive to him.

I am absolutely gutted that the counsellors have gullibly swallowed the narrative of this idiot and have allowed themselves to become a tool in his egotism and rage against me for no longer loving him. They have made things so much worse for me.

Should I write to them? I would like them to be aware in the hope that it might encourage them to be more alert in future to becoming unwitting pawns in an abusive man's narrative.

OP posts:
TheAverageUser · 02/08/2021 16:01

Counsellors need to spend time building trust with clients. They may have an opinion but it's going to be exceptionally unhelpful to their relationship if they call him out in these early sessions. Its also his therapy and not couples therapy so it's a private space for him, you should absolutely not have listened it.

That being said he sounds awful Smile

LaurieFairyCake · 02/08/2021 16:04

There's no way a counsellor would tell a client that her supervisor agreed YOU were abusive

Consider the source - a man who lies and hides constantly- he's not going to be telling you the truth about his therapy 🤷‍♀️

I really hope you're ok and you can leave this fucking narcissistic arsehole Thanks

MadMadMadamMim · 02/08/2021 16:05

No I'm not a counsellor. I'm re-iterating what everyone else can see - this is utter bollocks that he's fed to you, painting himself as the victim and you as the bad guy. No counsellor will have told him your wife is entirely at fault and only wants the worst for you. Surely if you've had experience of counselling of any sort you must realise this?

I'm pointing out that you are swallowing lies from a known liar..

SeeYouInFive · 02/08/2021 16:05

It was a very specific therapy targeted at his particular behaviours that I wanted him to ask about...he just doesn't want to admit fault or responsibility so that wouldn't have worked either

You've just said it yourself here. It's him, not the counsellor.

Original poster
ohstoplying · 02/08/2021 16:09

Oh well, I guess I have the answer to my question which is that there is no point writing to the counsellor, so thanks everyone.

OP posts:
whatausername · 02/08/2021 16:11

Why are you waiting for us or a counsellor to fix your relationship or give you the green light to end it?

What do you think is going to magically happen?

Given your replies so far you seem determined to see the counsellor as a problem to be fixed so there's no real point in us saying anything about your H. You won't change anything.

Tlollj · 02/08/2021 16:11

Did you hear the counsellor say this or is it what he’s telling you she said?

Branleuse · 02/08/2021 16:11

he sounds crazy in the non-fun way. How bizarre to lie to the counsellor. What on earth is the point.

marymotherofdog · 02/08/2021 16:13

Given your replies so far you seem determined to see the counsellor as a problem to be fixed so there's no real point in us saying anything about your H. You won't change anything

I think I have said at least twice that I now know that there is no point in continuing in the relationship and that I am making my plan to leave but you keep on believing what you typed if you need to.

DogsSausages · 02/08/2021 16:14

Did you hear what the councellor said, if you write to them with a complaint or saying that he lied they will know you listened in, if he finds out then that could make his behaviour even worse. You know it was a confidential conversation.

ZealAndArdour · 02/08/2021 16:16

You just need to leave him. The counsellor isn’t going to get into tit for tat with you both, nor are they going to fix all of this and produce a happy and respectful relationship between the two of you.

Just leave and create healthy boundaries between you both.

Nanny2many · 02/08/2021 16:17

I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s lying to you about what the counsellor said about you….. and if she did, it will have only been a result of him feeding her lies

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 02/08/2021 16:20

You haven't replied to the questions about if you heard her say these things or are just being told by him. (Apologies if you have. I've read through but may have missed it)

morningteaisthebest · 02/08/2021 16:27

It is incredibly well known that violent abusive men do this, and that counselling with them becomes a power game they use to hit you with.

Please google a free pdf copy of "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft - it will change your understanding. He's a psychologist who worked for decades with men like your husband.

Isthisit22 · 02/08/2021 16:41

Frankly, he sounds almost psychotic. Forget about counsellors, just leave him.
He is a violent, pathological liar

SarahBellam · 02/08/2021 16:48

Pretty sure the counsellor would not have said that to her supervisor, or if she had she most certainly would not have told him that she did. He’s lying to you - gaslighting you to try to make you think that you’re the problem, not him. Either way, you have your out. Besides, if you were an abuser, why on earth would he want to stay in the relationship in the first place?

ittakes2 · 02/08/2021 16:52

I think if he has lied to the counsellor than he is possibly also lying to you. Unfort if you pushed him to do therapy and he does not want to change he is not going to admit to anyone that he abuses you. I am sorry but you need to please ring a woman's shelter and get yourself out of there or him out of there. This man is no good.

nordica · 02/08/2021 17:18

It's much more likely the counsellor has said something along the lines of "you seem to see yourself as the victim and your wife as the emotionally abusive one in the relationship" to reflect back what he has said, and he has heard what he wanted to hear.

I don't think anything would come of you contacting the counsellor at all, as they wouldn't be able to discuss any details of the sessions with you anyway. If it helps you, you could always write a letter/email but don't expect a response.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 02/08/2021 17:22

No but you should contact your local IDVA service

OldTurtleNewShell · 02/08/2021 17:38

If he's lied to his counsellor about things you've said, you can probably bet quite reliably that he's lied to you about what she's said. It was probably nothing of the sort.
But I agree with others. I wouldn't contact the Councillor. She's probably already aware that he's not being truthful.
You need to put your energy into plans to leave.

QueenBee52 · 02/08/2021 17:56

Get yourself organised OP.. and get the hell out of dodge 🌸

layladomino · 02/08/2021 18:10

I suspect he's lied about what she said. She may or may not have been tricked in to believing his narrative. However, you know the truth and what she thinks is irrelevant.

Don't react to his smirking and gloating. Just zero response to him. And please please get out. What the counsellor may or may not think is of such little importance in the scheme of things. You however are living with a violent abusive vile man - and it's in your power to change that.

TheFoundations · 02/08/2021 18:43

I want them to be aware that their uncritical approach could cause real harm to women in abusive relationships

You're focusing on the wrong thing. What if you, singlehandedly, manage to train these people to do their jobs in the way that you think is right? It won't solve your problem.

Why are you focusing on this when you have a marriage to leave and recover from? Avoidance? Blame shifting? Dodging responsibility?

Lead your life. Do things that make you happy and fulfilled. Avoid stuff that makes you feel bad. These counsellors were there for your husband. They are nothing to do with you, regardless of how much he tries to use them against you.

bigbaggyeyes · 02/08/2021 19:13

I wouldn't bother writing to the councillor, I'd spend my time and energy to leave him. If you write to her. He'll simply twist it and make you the bad guy again.

Sometimes the only way to stop yourself getting dragged into his 'make believe life' is to simply let go of the rope.

HollowTalk · 02/08/2021 19:17

He sounds like a bloody nutcase and a complete liability. I wouldn't care who said what to whom; I would know my own truth and would leave him asap.