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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I contact H's ex counsellor?

82 replies

ohstoplying · 02/08/2021 15:19

I encouraged H to go to GP to ask about a particular type of MH therapy, I had to really push for him to do this. He did but that type of therapy wasn't available and he was given general counselling instead.
I was in the house, he was having a therapy session on the phone but he never told me. As I went to the kitchen I heard him in the living room basically lying to the counsellor. I did stop and listen and he just lied and lied. There were blatant contradictions and inconsistencies in his account that the counsellor clearly did not question. As well as outright lies there were also lies by omission.
Here are things he never told the counsellor:
That when I want to discuss something he doesn't want to he bangs his head on the wall and yells until I shut up
That he punched the wall next to my face when I told him I was not sharing a bedroom with him anymore
That he keeps coming into my bedroom when I am undressing and gets angry when I tell him he has to leave
That he calls me an evil bitch in front of the children
That when I tell him we need to talk about separating as we are both unhappy and its bad for the children that he tells me he won't and have to stay married to him.
That I pushed him to get the MH support he needs, that I gave up my own career to support his, that I have arranged family support for us/him, that I encourage him to go out and make friends, that I encourage him to do projects with the kids that they all enjoy and I get all the equipment they need for this, that basically I facilitate the life he wants. That I organise all of the nice family time with the children that he enjoys.
I could go on and on and on

He is now finished the counselling and is gloating and smirking and telling me how 'its very interesting' and how his counsellor spoke to her manager and they both agree that I am emotionally abusive to him.

I am absolutely gutted that the counsellors have gullibly swallowed the narrative of this idiot and have allowed themselves to become a tool in his egotism and rage against me for no longer loving him. They have made things so much worse for me.

Should I write to them? I would like them to be aware in the hope that it might encourage them to be more alert in future to becoming unwitting pawns in an abusive man's narrative.

OP posts:

Pissinthepottyplease · 02/08/2021 19:25

@ohstoplying

That's not how counselling works. Even if the counsellor is onto him and his lies, she won't call him out on them directly. Even lies and omissions are informative and if she's good, she will have used that information to steer him towards recognising his own behaviour

But she didn't do that. She actively endorsed his view that I am entirely at fault and only want the worst for him: that he is the poor victim of abusive me. I am furious!

You seem to want the counsellor to be a judge and jury. Some sort of arbiter who will rule that he's at fault and then once that happens, he'll miraculously change. That's not what counsellors do and that's never going to happen
If I had known that he would have got sent for general counselling instead I would never have encouraged him to go to the GP as I know that most general counsellors are crap and absolutely do not have the skills to deal with someone like him, and nor is that their job. It was a very specific therapy targeted at his particular behaviours that I wanted him to ask about. In retrospect that was stupid of me as he just doesn't want to admit fault or responsibility so that wouldn't have worked either. I guess I was just desperate and wanted to give everything a go.

And now I have and know that there's not point anymore. So I guess I got some conclusion from it after all.

Your partner said she actively endorsed him, that may not be true. All you have is his word.

You can control your partner or change his behaviour only your own.

You think your anger and energy is misdirected here.

ShowMeTheSugar · 02/08/2021 19:42

Did you hear the counsellor say any of that? If not, I'm struggling to see why you would believe that they did.

In any case, don't write to them as its highly unlikely that they did say this and any engagement from you just feeds his mind games. Glad to see you're making plans to leave

Hekatestorch · 02/08/2021 19:44

But she didn't do that. She actively endorsed his view that I am entirely at fault and only want the worst for him: that he is the poor victim of abusive me. I am furious!

It sounds like he told you this. You didn't hear this. Its really unlikely that they did.

She probably didn't endorse his view at all.

I would bet money, that she did not say her manager agreed with her as well.

4togonow · 02/08/2021 19:46

My ex wrote to my counsellor as he wanted to meet with her to explain his point of view of our relationship . She told me and said that she was my client not his so would not be allowed to meet him.

4togonow · 02/08/2021 19:46

Sorry, I was her client.

GintyMcGinty · 02/08/2021 19:55

You have bought into his lies and are focusing your anger on the wrong people.

He is messing with you.

EmergencyHydrangea · 02/08/2021 19:55

He's lying to you

Mumoftwoinprimary · 02/08/2021 19:58

Your husband is a liar. You know he is a liar. He lies.

He lied to the counsellor. You know he lied to the counsellor. For all you know he could have told the counsellor that you have locked him in a dungeon and are slowly dismembering him with a chainsaw.

More to the point he lies to you. You know that. Those who know about counselling say that a counsellor won’t say a spouse is abusive. And that matches your own experience.

He lied to you. The counsellor did not say that.

Fireflygal · 02/08/2021 20:24

I know how frustrating it feels but save your energy for leaving.

Ex also went to counselling as encouraged by me and used it to validate his feelings. Ultimately it highlighted to me that he wouldn't or couldn't look at himself and therefore there would be no change.

I now support women's charities and I think this is an practical way to help other women and feels more positive than engaging with a counsellor who won't be allowed to say anything.

Colourmeclear · 03/08/2021 19:18

You need to contact Women's Aid for directed support regarding your safety and his violence.

I suspect a part of you is particularly angry because you thought counseling would make him see the light, that his abusive ways could be resolved, that if he didn't listen to you he would listen to someone else. That's not how abusers operate. He's going to counseling to get you off his back whilst he continues to blame it all on you hoping you'll quite down if he just turns up and talks a load of entitled crap. He's not going to counseling seeking some big change in his life, he's seeking counseling so they can stay the same.

TossieFleacake · 03/08/2021 19:28

I would strongly suggest that you get yourself back to counselling and work on your self worth in order to leave this man.

If you have believed what he has told you about his counselling session and what his counsellor supposedly said to him then you are deluded ... you heard him lie to the counsellor with your own ears and yet you chose to believe what he tells you about them????

Get rid OP, or you will still be going round in these circles for years.

lilmishap · 03/08/2021 19:48

@ohstoplying telling me how 'its very interesting' and how his counsellor spoke to her manager and they both agree that I am emotionally abusive to him

WTF???

A manager is not "the most qualified counsellor" with the necessary skills to diagnose an absent party as abusive, 'the manager' may not even be a counsellor or have any skills related to it. If there is a manager they will not be getting consulted about anything he says in sessions due to confidentiality.

But she didn't do that. She actively endorsed his view that I am entirely at fault and only want the worst for him: that he is the poor victim of abusive me
So did she tell him to divorce you? (they don't do that)
Did she advise him to tell you that she believes you are abusive? (they don't do that)
Did she offer any strategies he can use to improve his self esteem? (they don't include 'blame someone else' as a strategy)
Did she question why he tolerates your abuse and how to move on? (Nope she didn't do that because it's all your fault and he can do nothing to improve his circumstances - said NO counsellor ever)

Come on OP, he's lying through his fucking teeth.

lilmishap · 03/08/2021 19:51

It was a very specific therapy targeted at his particular behaviours that I wanted him to ask about

Is lying through his teeth one of those behaviours?

Notnowkate · 03/08/2021 19:53

You don't need his permission to leave him.

lilmishap · 03/08/2021 19:56

That when I tell him we need to talk about separating as we are both unhappy and its bad for the children that he tells me he won't and have to stay married to him

You need some fucking counselling of your own because this conversation should sound like
"I'm leaving you, we are getting a divorce due to your abusive behaviours. It makes no difference if you agree or not. I do not need your permission. Bye"

You don't need a third party to validate that he is treating you and your kids like shit. You need some self esteem.

Pallisers · 03/08/2021 20:01

Why on earth do you believe him when he says the counsellor and her manager agree you are emotionally abusive? He is a liar. He is probably lying about what they said too. you are giving him and his therapy way too much head-space. nothing on earth will make him accept blame for anything or see things from your point of view - nothing. so just focus on yourself and your choices.

Umberellatheweatha · 03/08/2021 20:17

Ah the standard 'everyone thinks this about you' lie that abuses use to gaslight. It's bullshit.

Hon he is not mentally 'ill' he is just a psychopath. Or similar. I mean not to say he couldn't have other issues on top of the cluster b personality..
But really, why give a shit? He is evil and he means you harm. Get out of there

ytcfyghvigvf · 03/08/2021 20:25

@ohstoplying I have been told by a counselor that my then partner was emotionally abusive (he was) so it isn't the case that they never tell people that - they also told me to leave asap because his lovebombing followed by calling me degrading names etc indicated a fundamental lack of respect for fellow human beings, and they thought it was likely he would get worse and it could get dangerous.

I will pass on the same excellent advice I got - your dh sounds abusive, he is getting you running round in circles even though he has been abusive, he might get worse, take great care. You need some professional advice about your dc as if he is as abusive as he sounds he will use them as pawns and you may end up with a court asking you to share residency - because the court will not necessarily see his behaviour as an indication of his character.

I would definitely contact the counselor and explain what you have put here, as clearly as you have put it here, not criticising the counselor or telling them what to think but just giving straightforward information, though I would get legal advice first, to make sure it wouldn't go against you in relation to divorce or contact with dc.

Not all counselors are competent, not all would see through behaviours, it isn't possible to know what is the case here.

Bumblesbumbles · 03/08/2021 20:34

I’m not sure I have entirely understood so apologies if not, but if she is told, as a counsellor, abuse is happening this would ethically need to be reported?

lilmishap · 03/08/2021 20:47

It's not that black and white because if they report abuse then the patient won't come back and the abuse may escalate..

I disclosed sexual abuse in childhood and was told it had to be reported due to him being a foster carer.

I disclosed DV as it was happening and was offered lots of support to report it to police myself but wasn't told they had to report it for me.

An adult alleging emotional abuse is very different

TossieFleacake · 03/08/2021 22:50

@Bumblesbumbles

I’m not sure I have entirely understood so apologies if not, but if she is told, as a counsellor, abuse is happening this would ethically need to be reported?

There are 3 main areas which require a BACP registered counsellor to break client confidentiality

If the client is at risk of causing serious harm to themselves or others, including risk of suicide.
If the client discloses a safeguarding issue ie risk of abuse to a child or vulnerable adult
If the client discloses a matter of public protection ie terrorism.

Obviously a counsellor can only go off the information they are given by the client, they can't make assumptions so in this case, if the husband hasn't told the counsellor the truth about his home situation, there isn't much she can do.

jozipozi31 · 03/08/2021 22:56

He's bloody lying to wind you up.

Your sole evidence that the counsellor and her manager said you're abusive is him telling you that.

....

Of course they didn't say that. I understand your frustration and I think yes you could speak to your own counsellor about it and see if she can help/check, but I bet he's made it up.

He found counselling a fab place to lie and feel endorsed/vindicated. But surely these counsellors can see through the BS.

DelilahDingleberry · 03/08/2021 23:30

Where did you get those 3 areas from TossieFleacake?

unim · 03/08/2021 23:44

Please just leave.

He sounds awful.

It's not the counsellor's fault, though, and they won't be able to do anything.

You can, though - you can get out of there. You deserve so much better.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 03/08/2021 23:59

If the counsellor was taken in by him, you writing in and saying you were listening to the conversation isn't going to convince them that you aren't abusive. A controlling, abusive, narcissist might well be unable to correct the counsellor.
Not saying you are but you need to think about how it would be read.

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