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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner calls me 10 times a day or more

117 replies

TakeTimeForU · 31/07/2021 17:27

Finding it really irritating. We don’t live together. I don’t feel the need to speak every hour or so. It’s time consuming and draining. I work from home half the week but he thinks I can answer the phone all day long. If need space. Is this normal ? Been together a while and I have just gone along with it. Now I’ve realised why I need space from him every so often. Is this call pattern normal ?

OP posts:
aliensprig · 01/08/2021 12:59

@TakeTimeForU

He has a job where he’s out and about so calls to ask anything or tell me about something he’s seen etc. I work full time and feel pressured when I’m in a meeting and miss a call etc. He tho is because I work from home I do naff all. I actually work harder at home. I really should have set the boundaries a long time ago !
Why can he just text you instead? I text my DH at work about what our toddler is up to, he just replies on his breaks and that's fine. If he's really swamped or going on site where there's no signal he tells me and I don't bother texting. What is so important that he needs to keep a running commentary with you Hmm
aliensprig · 01/08/2021 12:59

*can't!

Bananalanacake · 01/08/2021 15:19

Don't let him move in with you, I'm surprised he hasn't already tried.

Notaroadrunner · 01/08/2021 15:27

Not many would have put up with him for 2 years. If you think he will listen when you ask him to stop being so full on, then have that conversation and set your boundaries. But tbh you might be best to cut ties altogether. Can you imagine living with him, going out for a haircut and him ringing 5 times to see where you are, what time you'll be back? Bad enough now when you're not living together but I'd say he'd become a complete nightmare if you do take that step.

Original poster
TakeTimeForU · 01/08/2021 15:46

Thanks for all the advice. I knew it was odd behaviour. Will be having conversation with him

OP posts:
Original poster
TakeTimeForU · 01/08/2021 15:47

This is partly why I can’t move forward in the relationship.

OP posts:
layladomino · 01/08/2021 16:34

It is certainly far from 'normal' (if ny normal you mean what happens in most relationships). It reeks of him controlling / not trusting you - both of which are not healthy signs.

It also suggests he doesn't think your job is important - he thinks he can interupt your work at any time and he is automatically more important than whatever you are doing (or he thinks you aren't doing anything).

Even if his intentions are not in any way malicious it's still irritating, and surely it means you aren't doing the job you're being paid to do - meaning you're less productive and potentially that could be noticed by your manager or team.

If he is in every other way wonderful, and this is genuinely the only problem, them I would approach it by saying 'I've realised how much of my work time I spend talking to you (about nothing in particular) - that can't go on. I can't speak to you during my working day anymore.'

However, I suspect he's controlling in more ways and that perhaps this r'ship has run its course, because you can't un-notice it now.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/08/2021 17:11

@TakeTimeForU

This is partly why I can’t move forward in the relationship.
Move forward?

You need to be reversing as quickly as possible and getting the fuck out of it.

He thinks you sit your arse all day doing bugger all whilst he 'works'. He thinks you need checking in on in case you go out or speak to a man on the phone for too long. He justifies monitoring you constantly all day to the detriment of your work and peace of mind because he thinks you're just a cheap slapper who will fuck anything with a pulse if he isn't constantly reminding you of his overall dominance over not just your life, your thoughts.

He doesn't miss you - he doesn't trust you. You're a snake with tits to him.

For fuck's sake, get out.

Umberellatheweatha · 01/08/2021 17:17

I second the pp. Reverse! Reverse! Beep beep beep.

I mean seriously op you cant think having a chat is going to make a jot of difference! The problem of him being 'untrusting' (controlling) will just present itself in other ways.

Strikethrough · 01/08/2021 19:57

Do you realise he is using "because I was cheated on" as an excuse for his controlling behaviour, OP? He wasn't even cheated on by you! But even if he was, this "response" would be completely unacceptable. If YOU had cheated on him and this was his response the relationship would have become completely toxic and unworkable. As it is, the relationship is still toxic and unworkable. Don't have a conversation. Dump him.

mathanxiety · 03/08/2021 04:26

What exactly do you hope a conversation with him will achieve?

QueenBee52 · 03/08/2021 04:30

@Strikethrough

Do you realise he is using "because I was cheated on" as an excuse for his controlling behaviour, OP? He wasn't even cheated on by you! But even if he was, this "response" would be completely unacceptable. If YOU had cheated on him and this was his response the relationship would have become completely toxic and unworkable. As it is, the relationship is still toxic and unworkable. Don't have a conversation. Dump him.

I agree 🌸

Hawkins001 · 03/08/2021 05:07

@TakeTimeForU

Finding it really irritating. We don’t live together. I don’t feel the need to speak every hour or so. It’s time consuming and draining. I work from home half the week but he thinks I can answer the phone all day long. If need space. Is this normal ? Been together a while and I have just gone along with it. Now I’ve realised why I need space from him every so often. Is this call pattern normal ?
All the best
GentlemanJay · 03/08/2021 06:58

This sort of arrangement would drive me mad. Maybe he thinks you need this style of communication. Sit down and talk to him.

Sakurami · 03/08/2021 07:09

He isn't respecting you. My friend's husband is like this. They've been together many years and love each other but I find it very intrusive. In her case there is no cheating worries just almost like he thinks her sole purpose is to cater for her family.

He'll call her at least 1-3 times an hour. I wouldn't answer if I were her.

When my boyfriend messages or calls I will answer if I can otherwise it may be hours later. He doesn't mind and vice versa.

Shopsclosed · 03/08/2021 07:58

Huge red flag this. Bin

sammylady37 · 03/08/2021 08:12

One of my friends is married to a very jealous, possessive and controlling man. He rings her or texts her at least 4 or 5 times an hour. Recently, I picked her up and we went to a shopping centre about 1 hour away. In that 1 hour journey he rang 4 times, asking whereabouts we were. Due to roadworks, we didn’t reach the shopping centre until 10 mins after originally due- when he rang at the time we’d have been due there and heard we hadn’t yet arrived, he accused her of having stopped somewhere en route to meet a man. He’s like this all the time. Every. Single. Day. While they’re both at work, anytime she’s out of the house etc. It is no way to live, but she refuses to acknowledge it as abusive and thinks it’s a sign he deeply loves her. It’s not. It’s emotional abuse. Don’t let this be your future op.

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