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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner calls me 10 times a day or more

117 replies

TakeTimeForU · 31/07/2021 17:27

Finding it really irritating. We don’t live together. I don’t feel the need to speak every hour or so. It’s time consuming and draining. I work from home half the week but he thinks I can answer the phone all day long. If need space. Is this normal ? Been together a while and I have just gone along with it. Now I’ve realised why I need space from him every so often. Is this call pattern normal ?

OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 01/08/2021 00:38

A slightly more benign interpretation is that he sees you as always being on tap to entertain him in free moments. Bit like scrolling through Facebook or putting the radio on, with the added bonus that he gets to talk about himself more. That may not be controlling, but it does assume you're there to just drop everything and devote yourself to him whenever he feels like it, which isn't much better. You don't get to be a person with your own stuff to do.

Stop answering and instead text back with 'can't talk, really busy'. If he doesn't learn from that, dump.

bullyingadvice2017 · 01/08/2021 01:48

Runn.... fir your life. Control issues here!

memberofthewedding · 01/08/2021 03:37

Many years ago I was in a relationship with a man who would phone me every day - sometimes twice. There were no mobiles then so this was my landline. Sometimes I just wouldnt answer. So he would ring again a few moments later and let the phone ring up to 20 times!

This was a big red flag to me so I ended the relationship. He then began to stalk me - long before the work stalking was used popularly or recognized as a crime. I realized he was completely unstable. So I got my solicitor to write him a threatening letter hinting at legal action.

Later he took his own life because another young woman dropped him for a similar reason.

Hopingforabagofbuttons · 01/08/2021 04:15

Just tell him already , you’re in a relationship with someone ( for 2 years) who is doing something you hate yet you’ve not even spoken to him about it. Am I missing something ? Yes 10 times a day is way way too much but as you’ve not told him otherwise he prob assumes it’s ok with you.

5475878237NC · 01/08/2021 04:26

I have a relative in your shoes with their spouse and it is related to anxiety. Now they're married with kids it is even worse as more to get worked up about and need reassurance over. Will never outwardly say they are anxious but will call about anything and everything under the guise of keeping my relative informed.

PurpleSapphire · 01/08/2021 05:27

Absolutely not normal. How do you manage to concentrate knowing he's going to keep ringing? Most of us i'd say have been cheated on at some point, it's no excuse.

girlmom21 · 01/08/2021 08:06

@TheFoundations not really sure why you @'d me there because we share the same opinion...

TheFoundations · 01/08/2021 08:44

@girlmom21

How does any normal, functioning couple have the time to call each other 10 times a day

What do they have to talk about

How do they hold down any kind of job

Why is there a need to converse that much

Because I don't share this opinion with you, and it's not what OP needs to focus on. It doesn't matter whether other couples talk 10 times more or 10 times less than OP and her partner, and I'm sure there are many examples of each.

It matters that OP is unhappy enough with her situation that she's posting on a forum, and it's important that she knows not to aim for 'normal', or 'what other people do', but to aim for 'content'.

Justilou1 · 01/08/2021 08:45

You choose to answer. Tell him it’s too much and you’re not going to.

girlmom21 · 01/08/2021 09:22

@TheFoundations I wasn't asking the OP those questions as she's clearly not happy with the situation. I was asking the poster who said it's normal.

TheTallOakTrees · 01/08/2021 09:33

I think his behaviour is dreadful.

Interesting though that a female o love Island has dreadful behaviour is nasty and foul to others and her behaviour is excused by many due to her past being cheated on and low self esteem. Double standards as usual

Peace43 · 01/08/2021 09:37

I have a lot of contact with OH during the day. We text now and then during the day and I generally speak to him at least once by FaceTime … BUT … we both wfh and if I don’t answer his text/call for a few hours he assumes I’m in meetings. He doesn’t guilt trip me or keep calling. I do the same with him.

I don’t think frequent contact during the day is wrong in itself- it’s his reaction when he can’t reach you for an hour that is waving the big red flag for me!

Longdistance · 01/08/2021 09:40

I would find that irritating. I’m away with the dc for the weekend. I WhatsApped dh yesterday twice, no phone call. Dh could go to work and I won’t hear from him all day, only when he’s driving home or when he walks through the door. If he rang me 10 times a day I’d switch my phone off.

Umberellatheweatha · 01/08/2021 09:41

It's not insecurity, its control.

Never ever excuse controlling behaviour as insecurity. And infact, I'd say maybe 98% of the time if you find yourself thinking about a partner 'maybe he is insecure' - it's actually controlling behaviour.

This is straight up run for the hills territory op. Talking won't fix this. He is barking mad.

Umberellatheweatha · 01/08/2021 09:47

And op, you should not have to set boundaries for this. It's common sense not to call someone 24/7. And he manipulates you when you dont answer by telling you he was 'worried' so your boundaries mean sod all to him.

Don't try to change you in order to fix him. It won't work. He will trample those boundaries and find other ways to exert control.

MondayYogurt · 01/08/2021 09:49

You feel "drained."
He gets more clingy when sex is less.
You say it's your fault for not telling him to stop it earlier. It's been happening for 2 years.

It's not your fault, it's his fault. He should know that after 2 years there is no need to harass a partner 10 times a day. If he was calling his dad 10 times a day because "worried" or whatever, that would be considered abnormal.
As for getting more clingy when he doesn't get his required sex time with you, that sounds like a punishment to me.

ApolloandDaphne · 01/08/2021 09:53

That is terrible behaviour from him. If he won't stop then it is time to face up to the fact he is not for you and leave him.

Recessed · 01/08/2021 09:57

It's a red flag for sure. However if you want to stay together and you haven't told him it bothers you then tell him and see how he reacts. Although to be honest if things are making you uneasy early on I would say that's your instincts telling you this relationship isn't the one for you. Women regularly ignore these niggles at the start because everything else seems fine/they want it to work but so often their initial instincts were right. If it feels "off" listen to your gut and end things before you become too invested.

If you do tell him it bothers you and he acts wounded or starts with the "but I just love talking to you" whining then just dump immediately, he's trying to erode your boundaries and he's not a long term bet.

ravenmum · 01/08/2021 10:02

I really should have set the boundaries a long time ago
The trouble is, when you first meet someone you don't know how their behaviour will affect you in the long term, or if this behaviour is only initial excitement and the calling will fall back to normal levels quickly.
You've found all that out now, so will have to have a serious conversation.
But, you say he’s been cheated on before so I just thought it’s all part of him being insecure - and it might well be. In which case, honestly, he wasn't ready for a new relationship if he really is keeping tabs on you. It's his problem and something he's going to have to deal with, not you.

GreatAuntEmily · 01/08/2021 10:10

Don't answer. Then call him back after a bit- interrupting HIS work. Then when he says he'll call back don't answer. ..... this isn't really a great idea but DH used to do this when bored eg in the car driving so passing the time - infuriating.

ChaToilLeam · 01/08/2021 11:20

Have you been putting up with this for two years? It would drive me bananas.

Tell him, set your boundaries, and if his reaction is anything other than “Sorry, I will stop doing that” then end it.

Sounds like this relationship doesn’t have a future anyway from what you say.

Oblomov21 · 01/08/2021 11:35

2 years? Shock
More fool you for not mentioning it casually in the first month. Change this now. Do yourself a favour and tell him how you feel.

Whatwouldscullydo · 01/08/2021 11:36

He doesn't trust you
Nor does he value you job.

Bin him. It won't change. Ajd eveb if he did stop calling you tomorrow you will be so on edge he still has u exactly where he wants you and will exploit that "power"

You deserve better. He can manage his own feelings they are not you responsibility so don't let him.enotionally back.mail you .

Dump him and get free.

MojoJojo71 · 01/08/2021 11:40

Massive red flag. I’ve been there and wish I’d recognised it for the controlling behaviour it was at the time. It’s not ‘sweet’ it’s weird and possessive. You need to tell him it has to stop and if he can’t recognise that your needs are just as important as his, get rid.

Newestname001 · 01/08/2021 12:30

How are you feeling after all these comments, @TakeTimeForU? Are they ringing any bells for you? 🌹