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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner calls me 10 times a day or more

117 replies

TakeTimeForU · 31/07/2021 17:27

Finding it really irritating. We don’t live together. I don’t feel the need to speak every hour or so. It’s time consuming and draining. I work from home half the week but he thinks I can answer the phone all day long. If need space. Is this normal ? Been together a while and I have just gone along with it. Now I’ve realised why I need space from him every so often. Is this call pattern normal ?

OP posts:
notacooldad · 31/07/2021 20:34

Oh that old "worried" bullshit
Exactly!!!
I actually have my " Do not disturb except for....."in the phone for a lot of the time. If he was my boyfriend he wouldn't be on my exception list!

notacooldad · 31/07/2021 20:36

So there is a mix and all are normal! and all are fine as long as it work for the couple!
But it clearly isnt working here.
How bloody suffocating and claustrophobic it would be to have someone ringing virtually every hour.

Jellykat · 31/07/2021 20:40

What happens if you dont answer OP?

mintylovely · 31/07/2021 20:40

I'm now curious to know what anyone who thinks it's normal to be phoned/phone 10 times a day says to each other. Is it "did you go to your meeting?" "Did you remember to pay your tea subs?" Or "the bin has been collected" and "I gave the cat his lunch". Unless you have someone beloved on the edge of life and death why the constant need to speak ten times during the working day?
I understand a trivial text more, but actually phoning????

Kanaloa · 31/07/2021 20:41

What has he got to say to you every hour? I would run out of stuff to even say.

Anyway, I would chuck him. This will escalate to him not wanting you to go out because he’s ‘worried,’ constantly interrupting you at work, wanting you to spend less time with family and friends because he ‘misses you.’ Whether he’s been cheated on is irrelevant.

user1481840227 · 31/07/2021 20:41

@freelions

Really not sure why so many are saying that it's not normal. It definitely is normal for some couples and it's not that uncommon either.

It is not 'normal' in the sense that the OP should accept it as an inevitable part of being in a relationship. Would you refer to domestic abuse as 'normal' too because that isn't uncommon either?

NO I would not refer to domestic abuse as normal because it isn't uncommon. What a ridiculous question [HMM]

I did not say that by not being uncommon that that made it 'normal'.

I said that it's normal for some couples because it is, it's not something that someone can look at and automatically know that it's bad, unlike with domestic abuse which is clearly always bad!!!!!!

user1481840227 · 31/07/2021 20:42

@freelions

Really not sure why so many are saying that it's not normal. It definitely is normal for some couples and it's not that uncommon either.

It is not 'normal' in the sense that the OP should accept it as an inevitable part of being in a relationship. Would you refer to domestic abuse as 'normal' too because that isn't uncommon either?

NO I would not refer to domestic abuse as normal because it isn't uncommon. What a ridiculous question [HMM]

I did not say that by not being uncommon that that made it 'normal'.

I said that it's normal for some couples because it is, it's not something that someone can look at and automatically know that it's bad, unlike with domestic abuse which is clearly always bad!!!!!!

My God that didn't even deserve a reply really. What a complete twist of what I said!

PurpleMustang · 31/07/2021 20:45

Is this a bad habit of his that you could nudge over to messaging so not so intrusive. Or (please god no) is he texting on top of calls. I would try and slow it down to 2 / 3 calls a day and the rest messages. Whether you try and do this covertly or blantly tell him suppose would depend on how you think he would react to the suggestion

DGFB · 31/07/2021 20:47

No this is not normal. And if he’s worried when you don’t answer that’s a huge red flag for me.
In fact I’d consider ending the relationship as it’s a sign of the controlling behaviour to come

user1481840227 · 31/07/2021 20:47

also @freelions
I ever said she should accept it as inevitable in a relationship, but as with any other part of adult relationships if you don't like something you should communicate that and discuss it instead of letting it continue.

That's part of being in an adult relationship surely!!

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 31/07/2021 20:47

I would find that really controlling. Not on really.

toocold54 · 31/07/2021 20:48

Just put your phone on silent and reply when you’re on your lunch break or after you finish. Just because you WFH doesn’t mean you should be answering personal calls all day. If he keeps ring text him and say I will phone you later when I am free.

mathanxiety · 31/07/2021 20:50

So essentially there is a price to be paid for lack of sex?

You have a pest on your hands.

This won't get better and you know the relationship only works (on a very limited level) because you live apart.

It's time to end it and block him.

Mardycustard123 · 31/07/2021 20:51

GET. RID!! It will only get worse. It's exhausting and not attractive at all. Been down this road and will not be travelling it again.

TooBigForMyBoots · 31/07/2021 20:53

No, that is not normal at all @TakeTimeForU.

Bouledeneige · 31/07/2021 20:59

I think there are women who would think this was lovely and showed he cared. Who expect their boyfriend to drop them off at the station and pick them up every day and to text them all day. I'm not one of them.

I can't quite imagine how you've put up with it this far. It would drive me insane. I have a busy work day full of meetings, my own life and friends and don't want to be bugged by someone when I'm in my own time. I dated someone who messaged quite a bit and came to pick me up from work one day and I just felt completely suffocated. I'm independent and choose how I spend my time.

Move on girl. Trust your gut - you're in a spiders web. If it feels restrictive and annoying its not for you. Go now.

TheFoundations · 31/07/2021 21:03

@girlmom21

It doesn't really matter. We don't know how other people make their relationships work and it's not relevant. We just know that OP is unhappy with her partner calling her so much.

Disneycharacter · 31/07/2021 21:06

Controlling, suffocating. It will get worse. LTB

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 31/07/2021 21:23

I had a friend whose DH was like this. She once came to my house without her mobile and he was jumping up and down in horror because he couldn't contact her. They had been together for about 15 years by this time so although his mum had walked out on him as a child I still felt it was well OTT.

Regularsizedrudy · 31/07/2021 21:25

It’s controlling. The fact you are too scared to tell him to stop is a huge red flag. What do you think would happen if you told him to stop? Or if you ended things with him?

AtticusHoysAnus · 31/07/2021 21:34

Is it normal?

Fuck no it's mental.

LouLou789 · 31/07/2021 21:47

My DH wanted to phone me a lot when we first met. If I didn’t answer my mobile he phoned the landline. He wasn’t being controlling, his previous partner was an alcoholic and would go ape if he didn’t “check in” a lot, accuse him of having affairs. She eventually drank herself to death, poor lady, obviously very poorly. I set boundaries for when it was ok to call, emphasised that I was busy and didn’t need the check in, then moved it to “please only phone if it’s an emergency and I will phone you once or twice a day” He was vastly reassured and happily moved on from the pressure of his former partner. We’ve been together 17.5 very happy years now.
I guess the acid test is how he reacts when you set those boundaries.

tunnocksreturns2019 · 31/07/2021 21:54

How does he have time to do this?

Original poster
TakeTimeForU · 31/07/2021 22:14

He has a job where he’s out and about so calls to ask anything or tell me about something he’s seen etc. I work full time and feel pressured when I’m in a meeting and miss a call etc. He tho is because I work from home I do naff all. I actually work harder at home. I really should have set the boundaries a long time ago !

OP posts:
BasicDad · 01/08/2021 00:25

@TakeTimeForU you have an unhealthy dynamic going on here. It's not the calling that is the problem. It's the lack of communication and boundary setting.

When my girlfriend is apart from me, she calls me quite a bit. Maybe not 10 times a day, but still a lot more than I would to her. She'll just chat (or facetime) random shit all the time. It gets in the way sometimes, but I love her big beautiful heart that wants to talk to me often. It's endearing.

But, I'm able to disconnect for periods if I need or want to, and I tell her it's happening. Communication.

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