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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found out today that I’m the other woman

121 replies

WhatdoIsaytohim11 · 31/07/2021 02:33

Dated a man for 5 years and we split a year ago. We’ve been in contact regularly since and have been meeting up and having sex, more so this last month. He told me I’m the only one. Told me he loves me while having sex. But due to work commitments, can only see me once a week.
I suspected he was seeing somebody else but he promised he wasn’t and I stupidly believed him.
Fast forward to this week and he tells me he is away for work. Messaging regularly during the day. Text sex etc but he is unable to chat on the phone. Blames working hours.
I find out today he has been away on a different city with a girlfriend as she put a photo of them together on Facebook.
I messaged her to explain and turns out they were driving back from their week away with their two kids (one hers, one his).
She told him when they got back.
He’s messaged me several times saying I’ve ruined his life and I hope I’m happy breaking the hearts of two kids. And he thinks my parents would be disgusted in my behaviour (they both died 3 years ago and one 3 months ago).
The girlfriend has asked lots of questions and is lovely. She said he is a good liar.
He had said in a message that “you haven’t heard the last of this” and “I have no idea why you are doing this. You have no idea what you have done”
I can’t sleep. Pretty much still grieving the death of my dad in May. Don’t really have anybody to tell or for support. Just felt that I needed to tell somebody if that makes sense.
Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatdoIsaytohim11 · 31/07/2021 02:34

Oh. And she’s been dating him for just over a year.

OP posts:
Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 31/07/2021 02:36

He's lashing out because he was caught. You've done nothing wrong. I'm sorry this has happened to you x

ZealAndArdour · 31/07/2021 02:36

Oh darling, ignore all his shit and if he continues with his threats go to the police.

It wasn’t your fault, you didn’t know, he has fucked his life up and everyone else’s in the process, not you or anyone.

Look after yourself and concentrate on grieving x

Anordinarymum · 31/07/2021 02:38

So he's lied and cheated and gaslighted you. He says it's all your fault when you know it's all on him.
It's a shock when you find something like this out and even worse when you realise the person you thought you knew is a complete stranger who has used you.
None of this is your fault. He is disgusting

Sparklfairy · 31/07/2021 02:38

And he thinks my parents would be disgusted in my behaviour (they both died 3 years ago and one 3 months ago).

That is such a disgusting low blow. I'm so sorry Flowers

The shit has hit the fan and he's lashing out and projecting. You've seen him for the unrepentant liar that he really is.

I don't have much advice except block him and don't allow him to upset you with more abuse like the above. You'll get through this.

Original poster
WhatdoIsaytohim11 · 31/07/2021 02:40

Thankyou x I needed some reassurance. I felt like i was going mad over recent months x He kept telling me I need to relax and that I’m paranoid and there is nobody else x just work!

OP posts:
happinessischocolate · 31/07/2021 02:48

Im so sorry this is happening but once the processing of emotions and grieving is over you'll be so bloody glad you found out and can finally move on.

I hope she moves back on too.

Absolute twat that he is, don't let him affect your memories of your parents, they'll be looking down on you telling you to tell him to take a fucking hike.

Rangoon · 31/07/2021 02:51

The only person who ruined your ex's life is him. You also saved another woman for wasting years of her life on him too. He was actively lying to both her and you. I imagine your parents would be glad you got rid of this lying loser. I am sure your parents loved you and wanted the best for you. He just said that to try to hurt you because that's the sort of man he is.

I still miss my parents although it has been years. It gets better but their is still the occasional jag of pain. My mum would have applauded you for dealing with it the way you did. She was a take no prisoners sort.

Original poster
WhatdoIsaytohim11 · 31/07/2021 02:55

All your responses have made me smile. My parents would be appalled at his behaviour and totally shocked. They both would have said I was well rid of the lying toad.
After he said I have ruined everything… I replied that the only person who ruined anything is him. He is blocked on everything.
I’m glad it’s all come out, as I suspected things and I probably would have never ended it as I have been at such a low ebb… even a few hours together once a week was acceptable to me. And that’s ridiculous x

OP posts:
happinessischocolate · 31/07/2021 03:07

I have been at such a low ebb… even a few hours together once a week was acceptable to me.

I hope you find better things to spend your time on now that you're free of him, and I don't mean finding another shitty male. Big hugs. The future is whatever you want it to be.

Sunbird24 · 31/07/2021 03:17

Oh well done you @WhatdoIsaytohim11! I bet your parents would have been disgusted at his behaviour and so proud of you for calling him out. As if anyone is to blame for hurting two seemingly great women and two children but him. What a vile little weasel he is.

Honeyroar · 31/07/2021 03:19

You’ve done absolutely the right thing. Told him he’d ruined everything, not you, told his girlfriend and blocked him. Your parents would be really proud of you. What a tosser he is. I bet you’d have spotted it quicker if you’d not had such a tough year. Think of all this as a good thing- you’ve got rid of a waste of space and will be able to move forward to much better things once you’re back on your feet again. If he comes anywhere near you tell him to piss off and that you’ll call the police if he doesn’t leave you alone.

Burnedbeyondbelief · 31/07/2021 06:01

This happened to me back in May. Was working on getting back together with an ex, had been with him over 4 years. We had continued to speak and sleep with other etc. He promised me there was no one else he was interested in.
Well turns out most of the last year together he was already in a relationship with someone else, I just found out randomly. She didn’t know about me either. He begged me not to tell her then threatened with “taking me down with him”.

I never said anything in the end but he continued to try and still speak and sleep with me. I clearly didn’t do that.
He’s now moved her in to his house.
Im still heartbroken.
I feel and understand your pain.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 31/07/2021 06:22

Your parents won’t be disgusted with you, at all. They would be sad for you, sad that he’s done this to you and you’ve been hurt by someone you trusted. They’d be sad for the other woman and the kids involved in this mess he’s created. They would be disgusted at his behaviour to everyone and particularly to you in gaslighting you. They’d probably be telling you that they always knew “he was a wrong un”. They’d be proud that you’d didn’t just bury your head in the sand and let this continue. They’d be feeling a lot of things but disgust at you wouldn’t be one of them.

My ex did the same to me with the person he cheated on me with. It was such a mess. I was gaslighted that they weren’t together the entire time it was happening, I was also happily taking the scraps he’d offer me. It’s no way to live. You deserve so much than he’s offering (and likely ever offered). Stay strong. You have done the right thing and you are absolutely better off.

Original poster
WhatdoIsaytohim11 · 31/07/2021 09:39

Thankyou. The gaslighting had been going on for so long, I wasn’t sure what to think.
I’m glad you all agree!

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 31/07/2021 09:49

He was a disgusting and vile thing and now you can see it clearly.

Text him 'never contact me again'. And delete and block him on everything. If be harasses you further, go to the police.

Well done though op. I hope his gf sees sense too. But for now,protect yourself. He us nasty and clearly means you harm. Keep him blocked. Dont answer the door if he ever shows up.

Polkadots2021 · 31/07/2021 10:27

@WhatdoIsaytohim11

Dated a man for 5 years and we split a year ago. We’ve been in contact regularly since and have been meeting up and having sex, more so this last month. He told me I’m the only one. Told me he loves me while having sex. But due to work commitments, can only see me once a week. I suspected he was seeing somebody else but he promised he wasn’t and I stupidly believed him. Fast forward to this week and he tells me he is away for work. Messaging regularly during the day. Text sex etc but he is unable to chat on the phone. Blames working hours. I find out today he has been away on a different city with a girlfriend as she put a photo of them together on Facebook. I messaged her to explain and turns out they were driving back from their week away with their two kids (one hers, one his). She told him when they got back. He’s messaged me several times saying I’ve ruined his life and I hope I’m happy breaking the hearts of two kids. And he thinks my parents would be disgusted in my behaviour (they both died 3 years ago and one 3 months ago). The girlfriend has asked lots of questions and is lovely. She said he is a good liar. He had said in a message that “you haven’t heard the last of this” and “I have no idea why you are doing this. You have no idea what you have done” I can’t sleep. Pretty much still grieving the death of my dad in May. Don’t really have anybody to tell or for support. Just felt that I needed to tell somebody if that makes sense. Any advice?
Call the police if his messages or behaviour gets any worse. Don't roll over or accept anything here. Don't put up with any funny business whatsoever.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your parents. They would be so proud of you, standing up for yourself, not accepting his lies, not letting another woman go on believing them.

He's total junk, a user.

swanswallow · 31/07/2021 10:33

Something fairly similar happened to me in the past. Looking back (and even slightly at the time) I found it the best revenge ever that he'd actually lost both of us.
I'm now with my lovely DH and it's a very distant memory.
You must be shocked, be kind to yourself, the only person thats done something wrong is him.

tribpot · 31/07/2021 10:56

Using your grief against you to score some cheap points is the action of a complete piece of shit. I'm glad you're not doubting what your parents' reactions actually would have been.

doudouchouchou · 31/07/2021 10:59

Just awful. Glad you have blocked him. Do not unblock him. Write here if you feel the need to talk to him. Thanks

HalzTangz · 31/07/2021 11:56

@Sparklfairy

And he thinks my parents would be disgusted in my behaviour (they both died 3 years ago and one 3 months ago).

That is such a disgusting low blow. I'm so sorry Flowers

The shit has hit the fan and he's lashing out and projecting. You've seen him for the unrepentant liar that he really is.

I don't have much advice except block him and don't allow him to upset you with more abuse like the above. You'll get through this.

Her parents would be glad that she confronted and dealt with this.

OP block him everywhere, if he turns up at yours don't answer just call the police. Don't get into conversation with him at all

Original poster
WhatdoIsaytohim11 · 31/07/2021 13:30

I’ve blocked him on everything. He emailed me an hour ago to say “you win” and that “youve stitched me up”.
I felt like I haven’t won at all. There’s no winners in this.
Two heartbroken kids and two women both hurting in different ways over a man they both thought was truthful to them.
I replied to say if he comes to my house; I will be ringing the Police and i have nothing else to say at all.
I’m going to the cemetery today I think.
Thanks for all the comments :)

OP posts:
AdaThorne · 31/07/2021 13:32

Definitely no winners, but you absolutely did the right thing and will come back from this stronger and happier.

I'm so sorry it's happened to you though @WhatdoIsaytohim11, and also for the loss of your parents.

Flowers
excelledyourself · 31/07/2021 13:35

What an awful, selfish, man.

I'm so sorry, OP Thanks

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 31/07/2021 13:38

Is this the same one that didn’t pay his way?

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