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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found out today that I’m the other woman

121 replies

WhatdoIsaytohim11 · 31/07/2021 02:33

Dated a man for 5 years and we split a year ago. We’ve been in contact regularly since and have been meeting up and having sex, more so this last month. He told me I’m the only one. Told me he loves me while having sex. But due to work commitments, can only see me once a week.
I suspected he was seeing somebody else but he promised he wasn’t and I stupidly believed him.
Fast forward to this week and he tells me he is away for work. Messaging regularly during the day. Text sex etc but he is unable to chat on the phone. Blames working hours.
I find out today he has been away on a different city with a girlfriend as she put a photo of them together on Facebook.
I messaged her to explain and turns out they were driving back from their week away with their two kids (one hers, one his).
She told him when they got back.
He’s messaged me several times saying I’ve ruined his life and I hope I’m happy breaking the hearts of two kids. And he thinks my parents would be disgusted in my behaviour (they both died 3 years ago and one 3 months ago).
The girlfriend has asked lots of questions and is lovely. She said he is a good liar.
He had said in a message that “you haven’t heard the last of this” and “I have no idea why you are doing this. You have no idea what you have done”
I can’t sleep. Pretty much still grieving the death of my dad in May. Don’t really have anybody to tell or for support. Just felt that I needed to tell somebody if that makes sense.
Any advice?

OP posts:
Workinghardeveryday · 01/08/2021 09:52

@WhatdoIsaytohim11 just read this thread.
I am so sorry you have had such an awful time recently loosing your parents and now this vile person did this to you.
You did nothing wrong, if I was her I would want to know. Forget about him, you have had a lucky escape, try and move on, he isn’t worth your thoughts xx

DuchessOfDisaster · 01/08/2021 10:02

@WhatdoIsaytohim11

He messaged when the girlfriend confronted him that I have ruined his life. I know I should feel relieved that my suspicions were true and it’s all over now…. but the fact he’s been with her just over a year is stomach churningly difficult for me to process. It’s just heartbreak. I know. I’ve had it before but it hurts :(
He did that all by himself. Well done to you. It feels crap now but you will look back and feel proud of yourself. Heartbreak? That is for the person he fooled you into thinking he was. Think about who he really is. Then treat him as nothing and move on fabulously.
Angelofchaos · 01/08/2021 10:05

Yes, it's entirely possible le his house of cards isn't down completely and there could be more women you don't know about.

You won't ever know. I am just so sorry this is happening to you and hope you being to get past this soon. You did nothing wrong. This isn't your fault in anyway. Don't let him feel that you did.

ferando81 · 01/08/2021 10:13

You’ve hurt him -good for you

FairFuming · 01/08/2021 10:25

You did nothing wrong here. What a massive arsehole he is. Take some time fore yourself and consider some counseling so you have a safe space to talk about everything in

DrSnooze · 01/08/2021 10:47

He sounds an utterly disgusting bellend and after a period of feeling sad I'm sure the natural progression will be to feel angry.

Those two were doomed anyway because he would have carried on sleeping around, none of this is your fault (of course). He is a man child not taking responsibility.

I hope you keep reading the thread to give you strength, there's lots of love and good wishes here. And from me Daffodil

noblegreenk · 01/08/2021 10:51

What an arsehole! He's just pissed off to have been caught. You've not done anything wrong. And as for him saying that you've ruined the lives of two little children, well you haven't, he's the one who's done that with his philandering.

Budapestdreams · 01/08/2021 10:55

So often men seem to get away with this sort of behaviour. I am so glad to hear that you and his gf have been able to communicate with each other and call him out on his lying and cheating.

He is angry because you wouldn't let him carry on treating two women like shit.

You are well rid of him and I hope his gf has dumped him too.

Chachachawoo · 01/08/2021 11:05

I am so sorry for your loss and for the terrible deception.
I hope all the tests come back clear and this difficult period will be the worst part before you can rebuild and be happier

Original poster
WhatdoIsaytohim11 · 01/08/2021 19:24

Thanks. It’s been a hard day. A hard lesson too. What a waste of six years with a man I thought I loved. The last year has been the worst and I tolerated it because he said I meant the world to him, and I was so keen to have some comfort with my Dad being ill and then passing away.
He made out he was “my one”….. Clearly not.
I just hope he doesn’t do anything like he threatened “you haven’t heard the last of this”.
I’ve told my neighbours to look out for my house as I’m going away for a week. And to look out for his car too.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 01/08/2021 19:49

I hope you’re going somewhere nice and can get him out of your head for a while.

Whatflavourjellybabyisnice · 01/08/2021 19:53

@Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese

He's lashing out because he was caught. You've done nothing wrong. I'm sorry this has happened to you x
Exactly. He's annoyed because she found out and his behaviour has been revealed. You did the brave and right thing.
Dogoodfeelgood · 01/08/2021 19:56

Your parents would be proud of you and so pleased that you discovered what a scumbag he is and can move on and enjoy your precious life xx

Chickenyhead · 01/08/2021 20:06

Well THAT is the lowest, belly crawling, lice infested, piece of shit, worm who has ever existed.

OP you are free. Free to grieve properly.

Then pick yourself up. Realise how proud your parents would be that you didn't hide his disgusting, nasty secret. She needed to know. She might take him back. More fool her.

To try to blame you for his shitty behaviour is beyond contempt. I hope he is left alone. But men like that don't have genuine deep feelings for anyone but themselves.

What a piece of shit.

Original poster
WhatdoIsaytohim11 · 01/08/2021 21:50

I suspect she will take him back. Who knows. He will be crawling around her and manipulating her I suspect. It worked with me for years. She’s only one year in.
I feel really sorry for her if she decides to stick with him, knowing what he is capable of.
But he’s the best liar i have ever know, so god knows what he’s saying or promising her 😂.
I’m glad I’m out of it. He’s hideous to promise me there was nobody else. Saying I was paranoid. And I need to “chill out a little”. So cringeworthy.
Today marks the first day of the rest of my life :)
No more second guessing, feeling shit and uncertain.
My Dad would be proud I’ve left him. He always said he was a scrounger 😬.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatdoIsaytohim11 · 09/08/2021 13:41

Dear Lord. He messaged me last week while I was away and I said I had some questions. I explained I had been out on several dates since last year and he went on and on about how many dates and who with and what happened! Despite him being on a relationship with somebody for a full year!!

I was struggling to process what the hell had happened.
I had plenty I felt needed to be answered so we arranged to meet today to discuss. He said he wanted to clear the air.

I explained I was single last year and I was desperate for him to get back together, so much so I tolerated crappy contact and believed everything he said. I said he’s been very unfair to her and to me. I was completely calm and he was stressed and panicking and anxious.

I wanted to see if he would answer some things.

Turns out they are STILL TOGETHER!!
He was literally begging me to not say anything to her. Crying and saying he sees a future with her.
He actually said she’s innocent in all of this and the ones to blame is him and me!!!! I asked how ANY of it was my fault as I was unaware they were together for a full year while he lied to me about everything. He said it was wrong of me to tell her when I saw that photo of them online. He said I should have broached it with him first!! Lol

He apologised for saying my dead parents would be disgusted in me telling the girlfriend of the affair.

He said he loves me but I kept breaking up with him, where was she accepts him for being him and hasn’t dumped him like I did! He said I wasn’t nice to him when we went out as I wouldn’t entertain getting married to him!! Lol

He was panicking as he left, jumping up and down and begging me to not tell her that he had been messaging me and had been round again. Saying promise me, promise me.

I stood in front of him, held his shoulders and said this whole situation is totally pathetic, hurtful to both women involved and is entirely his fault. I just looked at him and thought this man is a total narcissist and doesn’t even realise what he has done. Deflects the blame onto others for his actions.

I didn’t even recognise the man he has become.
I thought I would cry and be emotional…. but I was just amazed at the pathetic sight of him. He was like a different person, and not the kind and loving man I used to think he used to be.

He messaged her while he was here. With a ❤️ on the message!!!

He still sleeps at her house every night.

She clearly believes his lies.
I’m glad I told her when I found out. My conscience is clear. I was single. I thought he was single. He hasn’t been for a year.

I am more than done. I’m so glad I had the time today with him to clear the air.
I was so confused last week and hardly slept or ate.
Now I feel like this section of my life is done.
No second guessing.
I’ll probably get slated for meeting him today but I wanted to ask some questions and I got the answers I needed x
I feel bad for her but that’s her business. Nothing to do with me any more x

OP posts:
Original poster
WhatdoIsaytohim11 · 09/08/2021 13:46

One more bit…. He actually said
“If you promise not to tell a soul that we are still messaging, then I can continue to come round and we can still have sex”

Lol lol lol lol lol

OP posts:
Hen2018 · 09/08/2021 13:53

I’d send her an update.

Then (re) block him on absolutely everything!

Passtherioja · 09/08/2021 13:59

@WhatdoIsaytohim11

One more bit…. He actually said “If you promise not to tell a soul that we are still messaging, then I can continue to come round and we can still have sex”

Lol lol lol lol lol

Wow!! He really thinks he's something doesn't he! You are well rid!
aiwblam · 09/08/2021 14:05

Good God. I wouldn’t update her. She knows what a piece of scum she’s taking back and she’ll have to deal with that herself now.

southeastlady · 09/08/2021 14:18

Good Lord, what a complete bellend with bells on!

You are well shot of him!

RosesandPumpkins · 09/08/2021 14:25

Block the bastard and forget about him. This is 100% on HIM. And 0% on you.

Send a message telling to own his shit. He’s a shitbag and any upset caused to those children is 100% on him.

Then block the turd and don’t look back.

onelittlefrog · 09/08/2021 15:05

@WhatdoIsaytohim11

One more bit…. He actually said “If you promise not to tell a soul that we are still messaging, then I can continue to come round and we can still have sex”

Lol lol lol lol lol

That's the cherry on top isn't it?

As though you're gagging for it!

You're well rid. People like this don't change. The hard bit is moving on when you know they don't have much remorse/ don't really understand what they did because they are such huge narcissists.

But you will be so much better off without him.

Burnedbeyondbelief · 09/08/2021 15:24

Blimey this is scarily similar to my experience recently with an ex who was working on getting back together but actually in another relationship. He offered to keep sleeping with me until I met someone else in order to do me a favour and help me out. I couldn’t believe the lack of guilt he had in even saying this!!

NeedNewKnees · 09/08/2021 15:43

What an utter slimeball!

I am so glad you’re free of him now.