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Original poster

Will we work out

85 replies

nearly30s · 30/07/2021 19:31

Hi I have been with my guy for 12 years.

I give every thing up for him for his career. I cheated on him and tried to hide it but months later he found out. He was devastated and made me feel guilty for months. He finally forgive me!

To find out 8 months ago he had then went on to have and affair when I found out he told me he loved her. And because I had cheated on him he confided in her.

He tried to leave me a few times before I found out about the affair.

It's 8 months on and I still feel something is going on with them.
He works away and I'm due to move there with him. At least that way I can keep an eye on him.

Through the week when he's away I FaceTime him until he falls asleep and when I wake up I ring him make sure he's on his own. I make him send me his location through the day while he's at work.

We argue constantly but I don't want him to leave me for her.

I have tried to make things better like get a pet. I let him do what he wants and when he comes home I let him sit on the PlayStation with his friends all weekend.

Do you think things will get better once I live with him full time again

OP posts:
Original poster
nearly30s · 30/07/2021 19:33

I'm angry because I give up not having kids younger and doing every thing for him he's so lazy but I love him

OP posts:
TheSmallAssassin · 30/07/2021 19:35

This is no way to live (or love)

AdaThorne · 30/07/2021 19:36

This just sounds so utterly toxic. Do you love him or even like him? Or do you just feel like if he leaves you for someone else they’ve ‘won’ and you’ve ‘lost’?

It sounds horrible and exhausting.

Blindleadingtheblind · 30/07/2021 19:39

This has unhealthy written all over it. You facetime him to make sure he falls asleep and wakes up alone?? Awful.

You've both cheated on each other. You need to lay all cards out on the table, whatbyou both want, and if you both see a future and if not you have to be prepared to walk away. The whole thing sounds toxic and you both sound immature.

Blindleadingtheblind · 30/07/2021 19:40

What AdaThorne said.

nimbuscloud · 30/07/2021 19:40

This is madness

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2021 19:41

This relationship is complete and utter shit. You would be mad to move to where he is and madder still to continue this relationship. It's over. The love and trust is gone and it's not coming back.

Blindleadingtheblind · 30/07/2021 19:43

In fact I'm going to be blunt OP. There is no way this relationship can or will work. It's a shit show from start to finish. He loves someone else. Why is it 8 months on after he said he loves another woman? Why would you expect he has no tors to her anymore? He has said he loves her and he confides in her. That should be your cue to leave and go work on yourself.

Original poster
nearly30s · 30/07/2021 19:45

I can't lose him to her. I have done every thing for him.
I know things are bad.

When he comes home after working away all week I check his boxes. Make him show me his phone.

I love him and I've don't so much for him I don't see why I should lose him

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 30/07/2021 19:45

You need help.

RandomMess · 30/07/2021 19:46

Because it's making you very unwell?

Blindleadingtheblind · 30/07/2021 19:46

You need to leave OP. That's not normal. You know this. You sound utterly controlling.

Blindleadingtheblind · 30/07/2021 19:47

Are you nearly 30? In struggling to believe that

Sunshinesky1981 · 30/07/2021 19:49

If it has got to this point I honestly don't think it is either worth, or can be saved. You seem to be angry that he made you feel guilty for months before forgiving you for cheating, yet you are doing the same through guilt and control.
It seems like it's more about sunken cost at this point. You feel like you have given up so much, not having children , time and trying to win back trust that you are determined that it can't have been all in vain. Your so desperate not to loose, that you can't see that can't see that what you have isn't worth fighting for

Original poster
nearly30s · 30/07/2021 19:51

I'm 29, 30 this year. He's had an affair what do you expect me to do

OP posts:
Original poster
nearly30s · 30/07/2021 19:53

Once I move up with him I want to start a family. If I move with him and I'm there every day it will get better because I will know were he is all the time.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/07/2021 19:54

I would think you should both accept it's over. You both had affairs.

You aren't suited. You need to split, recover and moving forward free to meet someone else.

You want to "win" that isn't love.

Blindleadingtheblind · 30/07/2021 19:55

@nearly30s

Once I move up with him I want to start a family. If I move with him and I'm there every day it will get better because I will know were he is all the time.
This is wrong on so many levels. Honestly OP, get help! Most people expect you to cut your losses after an affair.
ShagMeRiggins · 30/07/2021 19:55

Your behaviour is controlling. Stop doing that.

You speak of losing him. Why in the world would you want to keep him?

Ask yourself what YOU want—don’t include him in the question—out of life.

Put your energy into you, not this relationship.

Blindleadingtheblind · 30/07/2021 19:56

Do not being children into this chaos! That's the worst thing you can do.

AtticusHoysAnus · 30/07/2021 19:56

Sounds likes a shit show.

Merryoldgoat · 30/07/2021 19:56

You should accept it’s finished and get help because none of this is even vaguely healthy

TheFoundations · 30/07/2021 19:56

@nearly30s

I'm 29, 30 this year. He's had an affair what do you expect me to do
Leave.
HelenHywater · 30/07/2021 19:57

What will you do? Maybe you could lock him in the house when he's not at work? Or possibly get a job with him? Track him all day?

Really OP?

No, things won't get better. If he wants to cheat, he will. You can't stop him. But you can control your own behaviour - checking up on his every move, stalking him, spying on him, servicing him - you're only 30. Get out now and maybe get some counselling.

aubreyii · 30/07/2021 19:58

No. You will not work out.

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