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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will we work out

85 replies

nearly30s · 30/07/2021 19:31

Hi I have been with my guy for 12 years.

I give every thing up for him for his career. I cheated on him and tried to hide it but months later he found out. He was devastated and made me feel guilty for months. He finally forgive me!

To find out 8 months ago he had then went on to have and affair when I found out he told me he loved her. And because I had cheated on him he confided in her.

He tried to leave me a few times before I found out about the affair.

It's 8 months on and I still feel something is going on with them.
He works away and I'm due to move there with him. At least that way I can keep an eye on him.

Through the week when he's away I FaceTime him until he falls asleep and when I wake up I ring him make sure he's on his own. I make him send me his location through the day while he's at work.

We argue constantly but I don't want him to leave me for her.

I have tried to make things better like get a pet. I let him do what he wants and when he comes home I let him sit on the PlayStation with his friends all weekend.

Do you think things will get better once I live with him full time again

OP posts:

Casmama · 30/07/2021 20:00

He's a person not a thing that you have earned or not earned with your sacrifices. Imagine how you would feel if he forced you to FaceTime till you fell asleep and check your phone- horrific.

This relationship is dead and you need to move on

Blindleadingtheblind · 30/07/2021 20:03

If I was him I'd be considering calling the police. I'm sure he has played his part in this mess but if you told us he was doing these things to you I'd be seriously concerned for your safety.

sunnyzweibrucken · 30/07/2021 20:03

My god i can't even believe this is real. you are YOUNG leave him and find someone that will treat you right. But FIRST get some counseling, i feel like you really need it in order to have a healthy relationship

MumToBe1982 · 30/07/2021 20:08

Wow just wow, you check his underwear, FaceTime him until he sleeps and gets him to send his location.

You cheated on him first yet you treat him like that.

Both of you need to leave this.

For god sake do not bring children in to it.

Utter madness and worryingly toxic.

Your controlling him.

He don’t sound great either!

litterbird · 30/07/2021 20:11

OP this relationship will not work out. I think you may need some help and support as you seem to be becoming unwell with the obsession of him not leaving her for you. Leave the relationship and gets some therapy around your mindset. You have both had affairs, the relationship was finished when you embarked on yours first. His subsequent affair just acknowledged how broken it is.

herecomestreble · 30/07/2021 20:12

This is crazy. Love is not a competition. You cheated first, this is not healthy and keeping a check on him will not make this relationship survive. Walk away and get a grip of yourself.

HerrenaHarridan · 30/07/2021 20:14

Read your post!

He’s not worth the paper he is printed on

Move on with your life

Bluntness100 · 30/07/2021 20:15

God it would be really sad if this is all for real as what a way to live. For both of you. He’s not your prisoner on day release op. You can’t treat someone like this,

nimbuscloud · 30/07/2021 20:15

He’s not worth the paper he is printed on

The op isn’t far behind either ...

fairgame84 · 30/07/2021 20:15

You don't want him but you don't want someone else to have him.

Let him go. This won't work and you are wasting even more of your life.

DismantledKing · 30/07/2021 20:17

If you want to waste your life playing games with this tosser I suppose that’s up to you.

It would be horribly unfair to bring any children into this shitshow of a ‘relationship’ though.

I really hope that this is a troll and not a proper post.

TacCat49 · 30/07/2021 20:26

All the posters are telling you quite clearly that this is a very toxic relationship. I'm having trouble getting me head around how you are trying to control this relationship. But you have no control because he's already had/having an affair. So what is your next move going to be? This has me worried, very, very worried. You need to get some counselling immediately before you do anything rash.

Original poster

nearly30s · 30/07/2021 20:26

What do you mean I hope this is a troll.

This is my life and it's real :(

OP posts:

notapizzaeater · 30/07/2021 20:32

You really need to split up now, this isn't healthy for either of you.

wookneecorn · 30/07/2021 20:33

Have you been communicating with each other about your and his feelings, what you want from each other, what you want to happen in your relationship? What has he got to say about this? You both need a healthy conversation and incase you haven't got the hang of that I suggest relationship counselling. Is that something you could afford?

It sounds as though you're suffering from insecurities. Do you realise that?

user1471442488 · 30/07/2021 20:33

You cant’t control him like this, it’s toxic and abusive. And you have some cheek behaving like this when you cheated too.

I hope he leaves you because he shouldn’t have to live like this.

DismantledKing · 30/07/2021 20:34

@nearly30s

What do you mean I hope this is a troll.

This is my life and it's real :(

Because not only are very controlling and in a terribly dysfunctional relationship, but you’re actually thinking of bringing children into it.

MumToBe1982 · 30/07/2021 20:35

I think when one of the other posted said troll. I just seems crazy.
What your doing is coercive control.

Blindleadingtheblind · 30/07/2021 20:37

I hope you're taking people's advice onboard OP. You don't seem to be acknowledging anything. I thought you were a troll within the first two posts of yours.

wookneecorn · 30/07/2021 20:38

You need to realise that the way you are handling the situation overall is wrong and detrimental to both of you. You both need the initiative to look into healthy behaviours and ways of communicating and follow through with that

Shutupyoutart · 30/07/2021 20:55

No op this isn't going to work.. you don't trust him,love isn't enough without trust. You can't live like this it's not healthy for him and it's not healthy for you. Please don't try and convince yourself that itl change when you move to him if he wants to cheat he will do it if you live together or not, the fact you cheated yourself shows that you weren't fully happy or committed in the first place anyway. Walk away op, be single for a while then find someone who values you and you them, where you have mutual love respect and trust and don't feel the need to control everything they do. Best of luck to you.

chipsandgin · 30/07/2021 21:01

through the week when he's away I FaceTime him until he falls asleep and when I wake up I ring him make sure he's on his own. I make him send me his location through the day while he's at work

WTAF!! That is proper batshit, weird & controlling behaviour! That’s not what love looks like. I hope he finds the strength to walk away (& I’d say that about anyone who was in a toxic relationship btw). Just don’t, seriously, it’s not normal or ok. You need professional help - ideally after he’s come to his senses and left & before you subject someone else to that level of crazy!

HalzTangz · 30/07/2021 21:02

@nearly30s

I'm angry because I give up not having kids younger and doing every thing for him he's so lazy but I love him

You don't love him, you're just scared of being single and him loving someone else

If you truly loved him you would never have cheated.

Busybee54321 · 30/07/2021 21:30

I bet this guy is staying with you because you have guilt tripped him in to it!
He is far from perfect but your behaviour is utterly vile and toxic.

If you 29 I gather have been together since teenagers. It doesn’t seem as though you both have matured. Probably both at fault. But your controlling behaviour is just the weirdest thing I have heard.

Original poster

nearly30s · 30/07/2021 21:31

I'm a little shocked I only cheated on him once. He has had an affair.
It doesn't matter I have done it first. He has fell in love with some one.

I thought I would get some helpful advice. Your all making me out to be the one in the wrong

OP posts:

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