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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will we work out

85 replies

nearly30s · 30/07/2021 19:31

Hi I have been with my guy for 12 years.

I give every thing up for him for his career. I cheated on him and tried to hide it but months later he found out. He was devastated and made me feel guilty for months. He finally forgive me!

To find out 8 months ago he had then went on to have and affair when I found out he told me he loved her. And because I had cheated on him he confided in her.

He tried to leave me a few times before I found out about the affair.

It's 8 months on and I still feel something is going on with them.
He works away and I'm due to move there with him. At least that way I can keep an eye on him.

Through the week when he's away I FaceTime him until he falls asleep and when I wake up I ring him make sure he's on his own. I make him send me his location through the day while he's at work.

We argue constantly but I don't want him to leave me for her.

I have tried to make things better like get a pet. I let him do what he wants and when he comes home I let him sit on the PlayStation with his friends all weekend.

Do you think things will get better once I live with him full time again

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/07/2021 21:39

He has fallen in love with someone else this means he doesn't live you anymore.

You don't trust him. You never will.

Blindleadingtheblind · 30/07/2021 21:40

So why are you with him if he loves someone else? Why is he with you? You're massively in the wrong. So is he but you are next level.

nimbuscloud · 30/07/2021 22:09

Can’t believe you check his underwear
That’s mad

Merryoldgoat · 30/07/2021 22:22

Are people really this dim? Is this why there are so many chaotic families out there? Because people are just stupid?!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/07/2021 22:31

Do you genuinely think this is a fair dynamic in which to add a child? Really?

Sandra15 · 30/07/2021 22:35

@nearly30s

I'm 29, 30 this year. He's had an affair what do you expect me to do
Dump him and recover.
Sandra15 · 30/07/2021 22:37

@nearly30s

I'm a little shocked I only cheated on him once. He has had an affair. It doesn't matter I have done it first. He has fell in love with some one.

I thought I would get some helpful advice. Your all making me out to be the one in the wrong

It's not about who's the one in the wrong. The whole dynamic is a toxic nightmare from hell. It's childish and damaging. Just end it.
TheSmallAssassin · 30/07/2021 22:44

Honestly, this is not love. Please don't bring a child into this awful relationship. You are not making each other happy and it is only going to get worse.

chipsandgin · 30/07/2021 23:35

I let him is a phrase you use for children, or prisoners, not boyfriends!

I will know where he is all the time again - small children or prisoners. Adults (especially ones you love and trust) - just no.

We argue constantly
I cheated on him
He fell in love with someone
When he comes home after working away all week I check his boxes. Make him show me his phone

And back to the maximum batshit through the week when he's away I FaceTime him until he falls asleep and when I wake up I ring him make sure he's on his own. I make him send me his location through the day while he's at work

Can you hear yourself OP!? I’d be fucking terrified for someone who was with in a relationship like this. I really hope he hides the sharp knives when you’re together!? Honestly time to dial down the bunny boiler. That eally is not how love works, I really hope he manages to escape, I really hope that my boys have enough self respect and strength to walk away from a situation as toxic as this the moment it starts - but as previously said - please please get some help OP, really not normal behaviour & I’m sure if you get help you’ll be so much happier.

Shutupyoutart · 31/07/2021 08:38

Op why do you want to stay with someone who is having an affair and openly in love with someone else? I know it's not easy to just walk away from a 12 year relationship but you know this isn't healthy, your controlling his every move and affair or not that's not ok and it won't stop him if he's going to cheat he will regardless of what you do. Sometimes people can come back from affairs if both people really want it to and trust is built up again over time but this doesn't sound like that, I'm sorry your hurting op but honestly think it's time to walk away. Take care

SpnBaby1967 · 31/07/2021 10:00

OP, I have lived with my husband for 16+ years, I dont know where he is all the time. If that's what you expect, then he needs to get FAR away from you as you'll just suffocate him.

Neither of you sound like decent people, with decent values. You cheated, he had an affair and LOVES SOMEONE ELSE!

You are both as bad as each other and for the love of god do not have children with this man please. It would be cruel to bring an innocent baby into this toxic situation.

You need to grow up, both of you before you consider having a baby with him or someone else. You sound incredibly immature for being nigh on 30.

Rainitpours78 · 31/07/2021 10:45

You know what the sad thing is. I bet you both stay together and have a baby. I bet he’s going to ruin the women he actually loves because he’s trapped with you.
You will both just cheat and destroy each other!

Both need professional help. Please think about this before being children in to it.

Original poster
nearly30s · 31/07/2021 11:18

About a year ago he tried to end it with me. I broke down and he's done this a few times. I break down get angry and he goes back on it.

Why would he do this if he doesn't want to be with me.

OP posts:
Blindleadingtheblind · 31/07/2021 11:24

Guilt and obligation OP. I dont think he wants to truly be with you. He has admitted his love for another woman.

Blindleadingtheblind · 31/07/2021 11:25

You need to find your self respect and walk away. You sound very immature.

Original poster
nearly30s · 31/07/2021 11:35

What do you mean by guilt and obligation :(

OP posts:
TheSmallAssassin · 31/07/2021 12:00

You make him feel guilty and obliged to stay with you even though he doesn't want to. It's not healthy for either of you. Why are you putting yourself through this? Let him go.

Original poster
nearly30s · 31/07/2021 12:22

Do you think he still loves this other women.
He promised he isn't seeing her any more.

They work together

I can't give him up

OP posts:
Blindleadingtheblind · 31/07/2021 13:06

I think that's irrelevant now. From the sounds of it, he isn't in love with you. I know it's hard but please walk away. This is no way to live.

Blindleadingtheblind · 31/07/2021 13:10

What is so special about a man who is willing to have an affair? Why cant you give him up? You can! It would be better for all if you remained single for sometime and worked on these issues you have. Insecurity and control. You almost seem trauma bonded to him.

Have you anyone you can talk to in real life?

Original poster
nearly30s · 31/07/2021 13:29

I speak to my mum they don't want me to move.

OP posts:
Blindleadingtheblind · 31/07/2021 13:39

Listen to her then. She is saying it because she cares about you. She can see this has disaster written all over it. So dont move in with him.

MydogWillow · 31/07/2021 14:17

OP I'm sorry you are going through this but please walk away. Your actions are worrying at best but you don't seem to recognise this. Please seek help for your insecurities, have some self-respect and leave this man alone. No good will come of it.

Livelife992 · 31/07/2021 18:31

Oh my this is the strangest thing I have ever read. Not one person in this thread agrees with what your doing.
Can you not see this is not normal behaviour.

Rainbowqueeen · 31/07/2021 20:05

Op can you honestly say that living this way Is making you happy??

Properly happy ?

To me it sounds incredibly stressful.
You are so young. I know you have been with this guy all your adult life and it probably feels incredibly scary to be without him but it sounds like it would be the best option for you.

Part of being happy is feeling peace and calm. If you are constantly checking up on him then you don’t have that.

You can have your dream of a loving relationship and a little family. It’s not too late. You do have other options. Please end this now and take those chances. Your mum sounds supportive. Let her help you. Flowers