13 year old son says he is Transgender

[WBNAS]

I am looking for general support and advice from anyone who has experience of a similar situation.

My 13 year old son recently told me he wants to be a female, has chosen a new name. This has been a complete shock as I have seen no signs of this throughout his childhood. I responded in a calm and supportive manner, told him I would love him no matter what and that I'm glad he felt able to tell me how he's feeling. He's opened up a lot about what thoughts and feelings he has since last October and I've really tried to be open and honest with him, explaining that puberty can make us question our sexuality, gender and general purpose of self all of which is completely normal. I have not trivialised what he is saying but also not taken it as definite, which he seems to accept. I'm happy for him to experiment with clothing,, hair, painting nails etc but told him I feel he needs to let puberty run its course before deciding he definitely wants to be a female. I have told him for the time-being I can't simply change his name/pronoun and he is understanding of this. When I asked him to try to pinpoint how he began to come to this conclusion, he said it started with playing Minecraft online whereby his character had been accidentally put as female and his friends were laughing at it and he had a thought 'actually I wouldn't mind being female', it has progressed from there.

A little about him - I would say a typical boy, except not much interest in sport. Has a good circle of friends, some of whom he has told and are supportive. Has had one girlfriend age 12/13 for a few months. He spends a lot of time online animating and has actually sold commissions which is what he would like to do as a career which I am fully supportive of. He is very easy going and good hearted. I do find he can be a little sneaky e.g. going to bed then getting up when the rest of the house is asleep to go back online. But in general he has never given me any trouble at all.

I would like to know how anyone in my position has dealt with this. If I'm completely honest, I am hoping this is just something he is going through and will eventually pass, this is not because I am not going to be supportive and accepting, it's because I worry for what he is going to have to deal with in life and of course I want him to have the easiest life possible. My thoughts are that he may be influenced by things he's seen online? Is this a trend as has been suggested in some things I've read?

I want to reduce his internet usage without it appearing that I am punishing him for what he's told me. I want to trial whether coming away from the internet and the engagement he has with his followers etc will make a difference. However to set parental controls to no social media for example would block him accessing his animation account on twitter/youtube which would feel like a punishment to him.

Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Your child sounds amazingly brave as do you.

Your decisions to date have been reasoned and fair. He knows that you love and support him and that you have his best interests at heart, always.

I think, keep learning for yourself, making decisions from a wide selection of sources. I know the FWR board can feel intimidating, but it is worth looking through occasionally for some of the links posted from scientific/official sources.

I am currently reading the book Trans and so far it is good, not anti-trans. My DDs girlfriend now identifies as a boy and it is difficult to know what is for the best.

You will find the best way for your child. I know it

If this is truly a new thing, I would want to know what he think being female is like? Would also like to know if he simply can't relate to macho sterotypes. Some men like playing female characters online from time to time. Choosing their style of clothing is part of the fun for them, but it doesn't mean they are or want to be women!

Harry Styles is good to show him. I'd show him David Bowie and a few heavy metalers from the 80's, some of whom dresses incredibly camp.

Is he only Tumblr a lot? There's a lot of teenagers who think like their 1950s great-grandparents - if you like anything that is not macho and rugby, if you like art, music and colour, then you must be a girl. Sad to see that black & white thinking coming back in the younger generation.

@ADHDgirl

Hi OP, what’s his school like? My DD goes to an all girls high school and being lesbian/bi/trans is VERY fashionable at the moment and I don’t say that lightly. From the day she started year 7 she’s had constant questions from other girls about her sexuality and gender, she tells me that you’re basically the odd one out if you’re not any of those things, so we’ve had to have some very in depth conversations about not having to fit in to their boxes and that she can unashamedly be who she wants, and if that’s a straight biological female then she should never and can never force herself to be anything more.

My goddaughter(son) is trans, and she/he was very heavily influenced by the internet, and I’m still not convinced it’s what she/he is going to want when they’re older, she has a troubled upbringing and was bullied at school and the trans community obviously gave them somewhere to fit in.

I’m not saying this is the same for every single preteen/teen but some of it feels very “cultish” and I think you’re doing exactly the right thing by allowing him to experiment and go through puberty and remind him that he should always be true to himself and not conform to what others say he should.

@ADHDgirl Is that a private school? Can't imagine it happening to that level at the average working class comprehensive, but maybe I'm out of touch.

In some schools (not private) in this area it is really common, in my DDs girls school it was unheard of. I think it depends on the mixture of pupils.

My daughter found out all about it on the Internet. Nothing jk Rowling is allowed etc. She is extremely progressive and refuses to engage or discuss her beliefs. They are absolute and I am old. She has ASD.

@Illogicalmadness the GIDS referral has already been done by his CAMHS worker, unfortunately.

@Cyberworrier he's done DBT with CAMHS. He has had crisis CAMHS involvement too.

Its hard to say but we suspect another, underlying mental health condition as he is really aggressive too and has mood swings that would give you whiplash. He blames it all on being trans but I'm not sure at all.

[quote WBNAS]@ScaryHairyMcClary thank you. It's such a lonely place to be as I know no one at all personally who's been through this. Guess I have to take one day at a time. Tomorrow I'm painting his nails black at his request and I've agreed he can experiment with clothing. My gut is telling me cut the internet completely but I'm trying not be be knee-jerk about this.[/quote]
I’d check that he hasn’t downloaded a free vpn which will circumvent your parental controls.

@Skatastic it must be difficult. I’d hope a therapist would gently ask, why would being trans make you angry/unhappy? As you sound like accepting parents and goodness knows being trans is so acceptable, even desirable to many young people today. There must be so many emotions swirling around- it must be a very difficult time to be growing up.
Is he having group DBT sessions or one to one?

I don’t mean to sound minimising but have you heard people compare trans/NB identities to the emo fad of the early 2000s?
It is so appealing to find a label that fits you (and reinforces your difference at the same time) when you struggle to fit in.

Have you heard of the book “I hate you, don’t leave me” about borderline personality disorder? Some people disagree with it but my very sympathetic therapist recommended it to me and I found it helpful in contextualising problems I have in close relationships (I have BPD and a history of self harm). May be helpful for you to help understand your sons mood swings.

OP you sound like such a great parent and because of this...he will hopefully be fine whatever he decides.

I teach in secondary and cannot stress enough...his generation sees gender as fluid and he will NOT face the kind of stigmatisation that we might have. Kids cannot fathom how prejudiced adilts are...they judge their peers on whether they are decent friends, a laugh etc...they are simply no longer threatened by gender fluidity and therefore don't lash out at those not conforming to the norm. I really hope this is his experience too. xxx

Not wishing to stoke the fire but....really...people need to understand that sex (xx or xy chromosomes) and gender (what we wish to 'perform') are completely different.

There's no point cutting the internet without knowing exactly what parts are infiltrating his mind.
He's 13, there are plenty of people on social media waiting to systematically manipulate children by providing them with virtual affection.
Check who is in his DMs, check if anyone is telling him to download specific apps for easier (less trackable messaging). Is he on reddit or 4chan? Is he on Deviantart?
Does he have any special fans or mentors? Has anyone liked all his tweets?
There are so many signs you can check for.
Good luck, keep communication open with him as much as possible.

@Skatastic from what you've said about your dc's MH and other issues, do you think he could be autistic? Often kids with ASD have gender dysphoria and they're mistakenly labelled as trans. When it's the ASD that's causing the gender issues as well as the MH issues. Worth considering.

bayswatersupport.org.uk/erin-brewer-interview-series-with-detransitioners/

Autism and gender dysphoria

@RBKB

OP you sound like such a great parent and because of this...he will hopefully be fine whatever he decides.

I teach in secondary and cannot stress enough...his generation sees gender as fluid and he will NOT face the kind of stigmatisation that we might have. Kids cannot fathom how prejudiced adilts are...they judge their peers on whether they are decent friends, a laugh etc...they are simply no longer threatened by gender fluidity and therefore don't lash out at those not conforming to the norm. I really hope this is his experience too. xxx

Not wishing to stoke the fire but....really...people need to understand that sex (xx or xy chromosomes) and gender (what we wish to 'perform') are completely different.

I disagree with this. The only sensible definition I've seen of gender (as distinct from sex) is the expectations which people place on you as a result of their expectations related to your sex. Gender is not about self-identity, it is about societal expectations and oppression. In that context the current gender ideology is not moving on from stigmatisation, rather it IS stigmatisation. It is not acceptance as it reinforces the idea that to be a woman you have to think in certain ways or act or dress in certain ways. That is not acceptance it is active unacceptance dressed up as some sort of liberation. This is, in fact, the very definition of lashing out at those not comforming to the norm. I don't wish to stoke the fire either but think people need to understand that they are being sold a pack of lies and it is a pack of lies that is contrictive and dangerous. Gender it not a matter of self-identity and it never was. I don't think anyone is threatened by the idea of gender fluidity if you break it down into what it's constituent parts are. People do, however, see this ideology (rightly) as a threat to our kids. Not because most people give a stuff if a man wears a dress, paints his nails, is not (and does not want to be) alpha and domineering but because the instilling of a belief that his somehow makes him not a man is dangerous. And abusive.

Rather than cutting the internet off, how about moving his computer into a shared space in the house? So there's a little more transparency? (I read it as he has a computer in his room).

Does he do any classes/activities in the real world? At his age, I would want to make sure he's having a balanced experience in the world and not doing everything online.

There is a massive element of social contagion in this trans kids issue. I hope you can steer your kid through it, op.

@WBNAS please also explore whether he may be being bullied, or whether he is experiencing anxiety or worry over things happening in his life.

It’s very common for what your son is saying to be the ‘symptom’ of another cause.

Gender dysphoria is a serious mental condition and he will need your maximum support and attention now, well done you for being open and well done him for coming to you.

13 is too young to have ANY unregulated access to the internet and certainly too young for social media. If you’re serious about helping him with his mental health, get him off the internet. This is the single most important thing you can do for a very young teen with mental health problems. You will immediately start thinking of reasons why you can’t do this because it’s hard, but you know in reality the harm it causes.

It’s fantastic that he is talented at drawing. Now is a perfect time for him to focus on that. It doesn’t need to go hand in hand with internet access. Buy him all the art materials your budget can stretch to. Ditto art and illustration magazines, online courses, animated films (although check suitability obv).

Keep him busy, get out and meet as many people and have as many experiences as possible. Get a drink with him and go people watching. Observe how different men are from each other. Observe how different women are from each other.

Keep going with counselling services who help with gender dysphoria.

Good luck to you both, I hope he feels much better after a few weeks of r&r away from the internet.

@RadandMad

There is a massive element of social contagion in this trans kids issue. I hope you can steer your kid through it, op.

Totally agree with this.

I recommend monitoring what he is looking at online to an extent, and standing your ground on waiting until he is 18 to make any decisions about legal name changes or hormone treatment. He is very young and most online resources are very pro-affirmation and celebratory of trans to an extent that a hormonal young person looking for approval could convince themselves they’re trans when they’re just going through a discovery phase. In my Dad’s (not very pc) words ‘transgender is trending’.

My sister (shes older but has high functioning autism) has told us she feels ‘gender confusion’ after falling in with an LGBTQ+ crowd online and obsessing over all the information.

@Cyberworrier thank you, that is really helpful. And so kind of you to take the time to suggest it.

@Illogicalmadness no I don't think he could have ASC at all. I think its BPD I really, really do.

@Skatastic you’re welcome. If he’s been referred for DBT, he probably meets enough of the diagnostic criteria for BPD. I hope that in itself doesn’t alarm you, as BPD is apparently one of the best disorders to have (so I’ve been told 😅) as it can be made so manageable by effective treatments like DBT. It’s not as scary as many people make out, although of course the problem behaviours that you’ve described are upsetting- I just mean it’s not a life sentence if you know what I mean? Also it’s great your son is getting help now, as it’s all about re-wiring how your brain works and the younger the brain the more malleable it is. (Although I started DBT in my late 20s and it’s made a huge difference to me!)

from what you've said about your dc's MH and other issues, do you think he could be autistic? Often kids with ASD have gender dysphoria and they're mistakenly labelled as trans. When it's the ASD that's causing the gender issues as well as the MH issues. Worth considering.

This, although I wonder if the gender dysphoria is actually an expression of not fitting into a neurotypical world ie clutching at an explanation and "solution" which looks like a more straightforward "fix" than accepting and dealing with their neurodiversity, especially with the current obsession with gender and transitioning amongst so many teenagers. Note: I know that transitioning is not an straightforward "fix" but to a teen with ASD it might looks like an easier option (in that there is a route map to progress along) rather than acknowledging that the difficulties they experience in fitting in are due to their ASD.

The interest in online animation rings a bell with me. My 14 year DD (recently diagnosed with ASD) is extremely keen in online animation and drawing in anime/manga style, and apparently that is very common amongst teens with ASD. (Of course, you can be neurotypical and like anime too.)

Also, just to say @skatastic, it is possible to have autism and BPD.

Just wanted to say you seem like a great mum op.

Thank you all for your replies, there are too many to respond individually so I will just post a quick update here.

It has been a tough week. I found out through that he has been talking online to people through his gaming using a VPN to circumnavigate 2 sets of parental controls (wifi and antivirus). These people are big on the whole trans situation and I definitely feel he has been influenced by them.

The long and short of it is that I have cut all internet access, physically removed his equipment from the house including mobile phone. His father has done the same at his house so at least we are on the same page and working together on this.

I've explained this is nothing to do with him saying he is trans but is to do with how he has lied and not behaved appropriately and has broken the trust that he was given. He is grounded and once I unground him, he will only be doing activities under supervision until I believe he can be trusted not to find a way of getting online (seems impossible tbh).

I have deleted all of his accounts, animation, email, etc.

I know from reading his messages, he thought he was going to get his stuff back probably within a month and was planning to use friends' phones etc in the meantime which is why I've gone to such lengths.

A friend of mine told me that children at her son's school had managed to bypass the school's online security settings so that is another concern.

Seems the kids are so much more tech-savvy than the parents and maybe the teachers too.

Feeling like a bit of a failure as a parent right now but onwards and upwards as they say.