13 year old son says he is Transgender

[WBNAS]

I am looking for general support and advice from anyone who has experience of a similar situation.

My 13 year old son recently told me he wants to be a female, has chosen a new name. This has been a complete shock as I have seen no signs of this throughout his childhood. I responded in a calm and supportive manner, told him I would love him no matter what and that I'm glad he felt able to tell me how he's feeling. He's opened up a lot about what thoughts and feelings he has since last October and I've really tried to be open and honest with him, explaining that puberty can make us question our sexuality, gender and general purpose of self all of which is completely normal. I have not trivialised what he is saying but also not taken it as definite, which he seems to accept. I'm happy for him to experiment with clothing,, hair, painting nails etc but told him I feel he needs to let puberty run its course before deciding he definitely wants to be a female. I have told him for the time-being I can't simply change his name/pronoun and he is understanding of this. When I asked him to try to pinpoint how he began to come to this conclusion, he said it started with playing Minecraft online whereby his character had been accidentally put as female and his friends were laughing at it and he had a thought 'actually I wouldn't mind being female', it has progressed from there.

A little about him - I would say a typical boy, except not much interest in sport. Has a good circle of friends, some of whom he has told and are supportive. Has had one girlfriend age 12/13 for a few months. He spends a lot of time online animating and has actually sold commissions which is what he would like to do as a career which I am fully supportive of. He is very easy going and good hearted. I do find he can be a little sneaky e.g. going to bed then getting up when the rest of the house is asleep to go back online. But in general he has never given me any trouble at all.

I would like to know how anyone in my position has dealt with this. If I'm completely honest, I am hoping this is just something he is going through and will eventually pass, this is not because I am not going to be supportive and accepting, it's because I worry for what he is going to have to deal with in life and of course I want him to have the easiest life possible. My thoughts are that he may be influenced by things he's seen online? Is this a trend as has been suggested in some things I've read?

I want to reduce his internet usage without it appearing that I am punishing him for what he's told me. I want to trial whether coming away from the internet and the engagement he has with his followers etc will make a difference. However to set parental controls to no social media for example would block him accessing his animation account on twitter/youtube which would feel like a punishment to him.

Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.

It sounds like he is experimenting more than anything else op and i think you are handling it well. There is so much confusing and toxic shit online, all you can really really do is try and protect him from the worst of it and keep listening. He will come through it, hopefully knowing who he is and what he wants.

Honestly, op I think it is crucially important to be mindful of language here. It shapes the way we think, even the concepts that we allow ourselves to think about.

Female refers to sex, which is immutable and cannot be changed. It is crucial to the health and wellbeing of transpeople, especially as they age, that they know this to be true and stay aware of their sexed bodies as disease often presents differently due to sex.

Your son can become a transwoman but he will never be trans female.

Keeping the word female exclusively to refer to sex is important. It is being eroded (yesterday I completed a consultation which began by asking about gender - "Are you female (including trans females)?" - no idea if it was referring to transmen or transwomen here, given the context probably the latter). This is not to the benefit of transpeople.

No advice to offer but I just wanted to say what a lovely supportive Mum you sound like op 💐

When you help him paint his nails can I suggest that you make it very clinical and matter-of-fact? I say this because some older men have talked about particular instances that they considered erotic or arousing that in later life they have focused on that have made them think or feel in particular ways.

I'm just going to reach out to say that my 13yr old daughter has announced that she is transgender too. Taking a very similar approach. This is not easy is it?

[quote Onehotmess]@MichelleScarn no it isn’t. A person can have surgery/ hormones to transition, no just wear a dress .[/quote]
Where did I mention a dress?
Shit, do I need to wear a dress all the time to be 'womanly...

Sadly you're not going to get a balanced, rational discussion on MN WBNAS, as you've already discovered.

You come across as open but cautious, and that's what your child needs, they feel safe to speak to you and they know you'll support whatever is in their best interests. Wishing you both well, but in your position I'd find somewhere more open minded to get support.

I think you have the right approach. He might be curious about stuff that is not heterenormative. He might want to experiment with girl's clothing and explore his femininity. This does not mean he is gay or transgender. He might identify as queer. My ex fitted with this. Mostly straight with queer. The gender and sexual feelings we have as humans is expansive. And, yes, I think peer pressure to be part of a groupis a part of teenage experience. Always has been, it's just the groups change.

Yes regarding the nail-painting, perhaps it’s better if he does it himself so it’s not seen as a marker of femininity. I never paint my nails but I do my kids (on request). They all have it and it’s not a gendered activity in our house.

(ignoring all comments that still want to debate whatnot means to be female)

@Deadringer hopefully this is experimenting and thanks for the reply, I agree it's a pretty toxic world at times.

@NotaCoolMum thank you so much for your kind words.

@whostolemy I really feel for you, this is the hardest situation for us and them. Wishing you all the best.

@YetAnotherSpartacus and @IsItAKindofDream - I have had this thought but unsure how saying no may make him feel? Not sure how to make it clinical? Maybe show him harry styles or David Beckham and say 'like this'?

How’s his relationship with his Dad? Does his dad enforce sex based stereotypes - must play football, never cry etc?

No need to say no - just get him to choose a colour and go for it - maybe laughing with him as he makes a bit of a mess. That's what they did with me when I was little (older siblings). I guess what I am getting at is making it like any other learning experience rather than a feminine bonding one?

I'm curious too that he has chosen nail painting.

When I was very little the experiences I associated with being a little girl were dusting, bed making, window cleaning, grocery shopping and cooking - most of which I realised were sheer drudgery. Few individuals who are not natal women but who want to be fixate on these when it coems to defining their identity.

Instead, it is always those that are in some ways 'sexualised' or associated with eroticism.

It's so hard nowadays - when I was young young men worked on their cars / wanted a motorbike/ played footie in the cold on muddy pitches/ watched football, music etc Girls were into fashion, magazines, maybe horse riding, music.
Now you can change sex by declaring it and not demonstrating any real interests that are common with the opposite sex because everyone likes the same stuff, or it's sexist to suggest otherwise. It's too easy imv.

@Orf1abc thank you. Some have been extremely helpful, some not so but I'm choosing to focus on the helpful comments.

@Whatabambam, this is what I feel deep down but that could be my selfishness in wanting it not to be true.

@ScaryHairyMcClary and @YetAnotherSpartacus. I will take on board what you sat, actually have my nephew over today (5) who is asking for his nails to be done so may make it a family activity for today, they can each paint their own.

@DazzlePaintedBattlePants his dad is a man's man. He is feightened to tell him bit I've said I'll be there all the way and will get involved as much as he would like me too.

I don't suspect any abuse of any kind, I have ways been open and informed my kids about this kind of thing but I will raise the question with him when it feels right to.

I think you are handling it well. I'd encourage him not to try to fit himself into a box that someone else has created. He can be more feminine in his look and still be a man, he can be gay/bi/straight and still look and dress and appear in any which way he wants. None of that requires any intervention.

One of my DS went through a bit of a phase in early to mid teens. Other than have long hair and painting his toenails, he never took it further, he also likes anime etc. He is now a man with a girlfriend. He dresses like a man albeit he still has long hair, views himself as male and straight.

I will take on board what you sat, actually have my nephew over today (5) who is asking for his nails to be done so may make it a family activity for today, they can each paint their own

That sounds like the way to go!

You might need to help your nephew though unless you want carnage :)

@GreatAuntEmily tell me about it. I don't know if it's lokking back with rose tinted glasses but I think today's youth have it much harder than I did, life seemed so much simpler then. But then I think many auffered in silence which I wouldn't want. I would absolutely go back to no internet and mobiles in a heartbeat (the irony of saying that on an online forum is not lost on me).

@ElephantOfRisk that is encouraging, I actually like the fact he's open minded and doesn't feel he has to conform but I am scared of how far it could go and at the end of the day he is still an impressionable child.

@YetAnotherSpartacus wise words haha

I think today's youth have it much harder than I did, life seemed so much simpler then. But then I think many auffered in silence which I wouldn't want

I don't know. I was never interested in anything girly or feminine - or, if I was I was not terribly successful at it. It was hard because of these gendered expectations. It still is. Women who want to challenge the bandwidth of what it means to be a woman are generally despised compared with those who accept stereotypes but change pronouns.

@YetAnotherSpartacus

Turn the internet off overnight when everyone is supposed to be sleeping.

Have a conversation about what he has been told on social media.

This. Children are sadly being exposed to a lot of very inappropriate things nowadays that are shaping their thinking. Kids are being bombarded nowadays with so many messages from all fronts, TV, school, social media, magazines, Internet, billboards, adverts, marketing.. it goes on and on. It's good he's come to talk to you. This could be what he's been watching/people he's been interacting with so please safeguard him. You sound like you have his best interests at heart OP @WBNAS. Whatever you do, don't expose him to all this "transgender" vocabulary and material because so many people have a vested interest in sending young impressionable children down a certain path of thinking.

As a boy, he has no idea what it's truly like to be a girl, only what he sees secondhand or what he has been told. He's obviously too young to consent to anything that's going to have a lasting effect anyway.

Ask him specifically where all these ideas and feelings are coming from, what he has been watching, who he's been interacting with (either online or in person), and specifically what issues he thinks "becoming" a girl would "solve" for him.

If what he's saying is not due to an external influence, there certainly deeper issues at play here. These could be anything from low self esteem, experience of abuse (which most children keep secret), being bullied, mental health issues, having bad male role model(s) and therefore him wanting to reject being male himself, unsettled home life... so many things or a combination of things.

I think not giving him anything to push against is a good thing as the nature of a teen can be to do something just because you say no.

We've always been clear that we have no issue with anyones sexuality and if they are gay or whatever than that is fine and doesn't need to be a big conversation, you like who you like.

I have to say that ime it's always been a bit more acceptable for girls to be "tom boys" and in most cases puberty either means that they discover they are gay or they go to more typical femininity. There does seem to be more of a trend now to not think that you might be gay, but to instead think that you are "in the wrong body". I think it's generally harder for boys to be accepted in a male peer group if they are not into standard male pursuits but it is getting better and for individuals once they are away from school and through puberty it becomes much easier to be who they are and also for that to change and adapt.

Top ten tips is a good resource & the Bayswater Support Group also have a phone line if you want to talk about your concerns.
bayswatersupport.org.uk/toptentips/

@FernandosDrums thanks so much, only just seen your post, so many to scroll through. Really appreciate it.

It's interesting OP back in the 80s my Mum was a teacher for a bunch of lads on the YTS schemes locally. They were all young men who needed to pass their basic English and Maths qualifications and were all training in Building industry skills. It was the time of the New Romantics and she did nothing but deal with complaints about having to do bricklaying which messed up their nails! Identities have always been there to be played with, it's sad for so many young people that that playfulness, and God if you can't be playful when you're young, seems to have gone out of the window recently.

You sound like a great Mum, I hope all goes well for you all.