13 year old son says he is Transgender

[WBNAS]

I am looking for general support and advice from anyone who has experience of a similar situation.

My 13 year old son recently told me he wants to be a female, has chosen a new name. This has been a complete shock as I have seen no signs of this throughout his childhood. I responded in a calm and supportive manner, told him I would love him no matter what and that I'm glad he felt able to tell me how he's feeling. He's opened up a lot about what thoughts and feelings he has since last October and I've really tried to be open and honest with him, explaining that puberty can make us question our sexuality, gender and general purpose of self all of which is completely normal. I have not trivialised what he is saying but also not taken it as definite, which he seems to accept. I'm happy for him to experiment with clothing,, hair, painting nails etc but told him I feel he needs to let puberty run its course before deciding he definitely wants to be a female. I have told him for the time-being I can't simply change his name/pronoun and he is understanding of this. When I asked him to try to pinpoint how he began to come to this conclusion, he said it started with playing Minecraft online whereby his character had been accidentally put as female and his friends were laughing at it and he had a thought 'actually I wouldn't mind being female', it has progressed from there.

A little about him - I would say a typical boy, except not much interest in sport. Has a good circle of friends, some of whom he has told and are supportive. Has had one girlfriend age 12/13 for a few months. He spends a lot of time online animating and has actually sold commissions which is what he would like to do as a career which I am fully supportive of. He is very easy going and good hearted. I do find he can be a little sneaky e.g. going to bed then getting up when the rest of the house is asleep to go back online. But in general he has never given me any trouble at all.

I would like to know how anyone in my position has dealt with this. If I'm completely honest, I am hoping this is just something he is going through and will eventually pass, this is not because I am not going to be supportive and accepting, it's because I worry for what he is going to have to deal with in life and of course I want him to have the easiest life possible. My thoughts are that he may be influenced by things he's seen online? Is this a trend as has been suggested in some things I've read?

I want to reduce his internet usage without it appearing that I am punishing him for what he's told me. I want to trial whether coming away from the internet and the engagement he has with his followers etc will make a difference. However to set parental controls to no social media for example would block him accessing his animation account on twitter/youtube which would feel like a punishment to him.

Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[quote Buggritbuggrit]I think that you might find Mermaids to be a helpful resource for both of you: mermaidsuk.org.uk/parents/resources-for-parents/[/quote]
Avoid like the plague if you don't want your son to be brainwashed and medicated

I am not in your situation.

But do consider watching the series Sex Education with him. There is some quite adult content in there but if he's mature he can handle it.

The character of Eric is very interesting. He wears lots of typically-feminine clothes and is very 'gender non-conforming'. There's never any suggestion in the script that he's anything but male. It shows how the character can dip in and out of this to an extent too - it doesn't need to be something that determines every element of his life.

@YetAnotherSpartacus I suppose it's impossible to compare really. I'm just glad I had no social media or mobile phone as a child.

@SarahDarah yes his internet access is controlled and I totally agree with everything they're exposed to influencing them. I guess I have to wait and see if things develop or not and maybe try to dig deeper on other issues without interrogating to see if there is anything else going on.

@ElephantOfRisk totally agree, I don't want to give him anything to push against. In my house we are all pretty open-minded and have a live-and-let-live attitude. But I also see that there does seem to be a trend of trans/non binary etc, that's not to take away from genuine situation, just that teens are impressionable and can be easily influenced.

@Illogicalmadness thank you, will check them out.

You sound like a lovely mum.

You will get more balanced replies if you say transwoman (which is possible) rather than transfemale (which is impossible as XX is needed to be female).

@IsItAKindofDream

OP - not wanting to concern you, but some boys say this after a traumatic episode. Such as being sexually abused. You might want to explore that.

Others have previously suggested keeping the child away from the computer and doing something physical like a sport - to get them back in touch with their body.

Exactly.

Also super scary there are people out there advocating giving children hormone blockers and surgery and the like when a child is not even old enough to consent to a tattoo!!! 😳 it beggars belief.

There was a recent court case by someone who went through all these operations /hormones etc when they were a child , critiquing she should never have been allowed to do so as a child and the lasting psychological damage trying to change gender caused.
www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-51676020

There are others like her.

There have been whistleblowers from that London gender identity clinic too. Yet many people are determined to steer innocent defenceless children through this path. It's horrendous and all supporters of this on children are complicit .

In a couple of decades this will be looked back on as one of the scandals of our current time . The same as many other scandals, people always say 'why was this allowed to happen'. It happens when people decide that fitting in with the crowd or being too scared to challenge whatever current prevailing thought that's being rammed down our throats is more important than using common sense or doing the right thing. It's happened so many times in our society's history yet people just repeat again and again.

There’s a good section of very balanced replies here already!

@crosshatching that is intersting, I guess things are so labelled today it's hard for kids to just see themselves as just a person who happens to like whatever they like. My mind has literally been blown reading up on it all, it's so massive.

@GreenBiro I'll look into that, tbh it sounds like his kind of humour. I'll have a watch myself before hand.

Instead of getting rid of boxes to shove people in, the solution seems to be to create more and more boxes and shove people into them still and if you don't fit in any then lets mess about with your body and mind until you do.

Instead of just saying, pink isn't just for girls and blue for boys and all the rest of it and just let people find who they are.

Does he just want the fashion that girls can have? Like David Bowie? It's great your taking steps with him. Well done.

@secular39

Why did you allow your son to have a girlfriend at 12? I'm sorry- that is young.

That's so irrelevant, I'm sure it was an age appropriate friendship.

Hi OP, what’s his school like? My DD goes to an all girls high school and being lesbian/bi/trans is VERY fashionable at the moment and I don’t say that lightly. From the day she started year 7 she’s had constant questions from other girls about her sexuality and gender, she tells me that you’re basically the odd one out if you’re not any of those things, so we’ve had to have some very in depth conversations about not having to fit in to their boxes and that she can unashamedly be who she wants, and if that’s a straight biological female then she should never and can never force herself to be anything more.

My goddaughter(son) is trans, and she/he was very heavily influenced by the internet, and I’m still not convinced it’s what she/he is going to want when they’re older, she has a troubled upbringing and was bullied at school and the trans community obviously gave them somewhere to fit in.

I’m not saying this is the same for every single preteen/teen but some of it feels very “cultish” and I think you’re doing exactly the right thing by allowing him to experiment and go through puberty and remind him that he should always be true to himself and not conform to what others say he should.

I wouldn’t allow unsupervised internet access at all. There are far to may predatory men grooming uncomfortable kids (I’ll be your rainbow mummy because your boring real mum doesn’t get you etc) and far to many adult autogynephiles who really need “trans youth” as part of their defence that they have ladybrains/gendered souls and it’s absolutely not a fettish. You can see how tempting it is for a teenager, suddenly love bombed with affirmation, to make unwise choices.
You sound like you believe in gendered souls etc whereas I see gender as an oppressive hierarchy that is “done” to women rather than something we inherently “are” so I can’t offer any advice on handling that side. The internet thing is just for safeguarding. Mermaids are a safeguarding nightmare and encourage private email addresses and chat rooms with a mix of kids and adults. I wouldn’t expose my dc to that because I just don’t think they have the nouse to think critically in that sort or environment and with mermaids affirmation and transition or die policy they really need critical thinking. It’s very risky to say to kids that if they were really trans they would be attempting suicide if they couldn’t get blockers so I wouldn’t recommend that even if you support “wrong body” theory.
I think keeping him busy with something that forces him to turn outwards towards a project rather than inwards towards an “identity” is a positive thing. As far as clothes and “look” I think people should wear whatever they want so long as it is appropriate to the occasion. My mum took the piss constantly when I was a teen and I’m still self conscious about clothes at nearly 50. Teenagers are supposed to experiment and it’s important to allow that within safe boundaries.

Sounds like you're handling it very well.

I think children should be able to experiment with 'gender' and be supported to embrace any (harmless) interests they have. Exploring femininity and masculinity is completely harmless.

Where it becomes a problem is when people start to do things to themselves which can have consequences (short and long term) on their health, especially when it's in pursuit of something impossible, like changing sex. So long as all exploration is done within the confines of recognising those limitations.

My friend's 13 year old daughter thinks she's non-binary. Friend is fine to let her think that for now and grow and mature through puberty, so long as her DD's pursuit of non-binary doesn't start to involve eg breast binders, puberty blockers, or taking testosterone.

My almost 12 year old daughter shops in the boys section. She is confused about her changing body and who she is/will be. She is apparently a demi-girl. Which in our day was a tomboy. She is also into animating and fanaf and gaming. She struggles with humans in general. I think it is a generational thing and they have better outlets. It is not something I have struggled with personally but my nephew did and so I am kinda used to it. As long as she is happy I am and as long as she knows she is supported that is all that really matters to me. Limiting Internet won't do anything. Just support and listen and if it is a phase he will grow out of it and if it isn't then be proud he has had the strength to be true to himself. My daughter already knows I will be shocked if she is actually into boys in the future as she never mentions boys however she lusts after anime characters currently so god knows! I think she prefers androgynous people.

@MNHQ Why was my post deleted?

It’s really worrying that we are not allowed to mention a certain behaviour - in case people realise that’s what most men-adopting-female-stereotypes are doing.

There is a webinar on gender dysphoria & autism but the advice should be applicable for parents who are at the start of the journey:

www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/autism-and-gender-dysphoria-1-hour-webinar-with-lucy-tickets-161203607329

OP I think you have had some good advice here and I agree that finding some male role models (e.g. Beckham, Styles) who do not conform to gender stereotypes will be helpful. When my DD was being confused in this way we discussed the sex-based oppression that women have experienced and agreed that what was (and is) done to them had nothing to do with their identity. We also discussed what the value (none) and damage (lots) was in suggesting that women all somehow 'feel' like each other. We linked that up with the aforementioned oppression. I have been honest about having no gender identity and have pointed out that I don't really know any grown up who does have a gender identity. We've talked about how old-fashioned stereotypes are reinforced by this gender ideology and how a woman or man does not have to conform to any rigid views about what they should do/ wear/ say.

I do think it might be helpful to examine your own thinking about gender as you may be reinforcing the rocky foundation on which gender ideology is built. We are indeed much more than biological creatures but 'female' refers only to the biological aspects of ourselves. To argue against that is akin to saying that using the terms 'womb' or 'toe' is somehow reducing us to our biology. Recognising the impact and immutability of sex is not reductionist. I don't mean to be rude and I understand how this ideology confuses adults too but it may be that you are inadvertently reinforcing stereotypes and confused messages in your discussions with your son.

It sounds like you're doing all the right things and it's great that he feels he can be open with you. As others have said, be careful about what he's doing online - lots of people out there being supportive but also encouraging teens to go further eg puberty blockers etc.

[quote Onehotmess]@MichelleScarn no it isn’t. A person can have surgery/ hormones to transition, no just wear a dress .[/quote]
Still won't be female.....

People's critical thinking and self control is better during daylight (how many of us lie awake panicking about nothing at night? See also Steve Peters "The Chimp Paradox" section 'In the middle of the night' about this).
So if you're thinking of limiting internet, how about 6:30am to 6:30pm - or something like that - and also, monitor what he's looking at (Google how to do this with your internet router), though, if he is using data on his phone, he can access the internet that way too - so phone use would have to be limited as well.
You seem very sensible so I hope it all works out OK.

My child came out as trans in January - similar to your DC with not much warning. We are using their preferred name and pronouns and have said we won't be buying things like breast binders until he has been seen by GIDS.

It is terrifying to be honest, it's come with some pretty serious mental health problems, self harm and suicide attempts. So for the moment we watch and wait.

Good luck to you.

@Skatastic get in touch with the Bayswater water support group before contacting GIDS. They seem to advocate the watchful waiting approach that you're already practicing.

It is terrifying to be honest, it's come with some pretty serious mental health problems, self harm and suicide attempts. So for the moment we watch and wait

The problem is all these young, mostly female,. teens are not getting help for the underlying mental health issues and being sold transitioning as a cure all, when all it does is mask the issues which caused the dysphoria in the first place, which will then come back and bite them in the bum years later.

Whether it's abuse, bullying, them not being able to express they are simply gay because their words have been taken away, or autistic etc etc. It isn't being 'trans' that causes all the mental health issues, that's just the narrative being pushed by male adults who are using kids to push their ideology.

You sound like you are being careful and supportive OP. I do agree with pp that it’s confusing to use the word female as it’s an immutable sex category. But of course your son can use a name, pronouns and dress in a way associated with the female sex, but this will make him feminine not female.
You sound clued up about puberty blockers but just to reinforce, a transwoman told me that it’s terrible when kids are put on PBS as their genitals don’t grow as they should and it’s much harder to attempt surgery when there’s nothing there to work with. Like Susie Green founder of mermaids son. And if they don’t choose to have surgery, they are left with a very small penis with limited sexual function from all the drugs. Not great choices. Much better to transition, if the person is sure, as an adult, ethically and medically.

I really recommend DBT for teens who self-harm or with suicide ideation. There are programs designed for adolescents and DBT is therapy specifically designed for people with self harm tendencies.