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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I leave my H and kids?

77 replies

singleusername · 29/07/2021 15:52

I am absolutely desperate. Living with my H is emotional and mental torture. I have tried to deal with it for years but I just can't do it anymore. He would never move out of the house and I could not afford to buy him out anyway.

The only option I can think of to leave is for me to move out, but I couldn't take the kids. They are settled here and I know them moving to a deprived area and moving schools would affect them very badly, especially the eldest.
I would still see the kids but I would have to become the part-time parent.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/07/2021 16:01

What about divorcing him, is that not an option you can consider instead?. You need proper legal advice here from a Solicitor. You are married to him and therefore have rights in law; would urge you to exercise those fully.

How old are your children?. Leaving the children behind if you move out will affect them markedly. Do not leave them behind. They would rather much have you in their lives living in a smaller home and different area. It may well be that you can remain within the marital home. A happy mother to them is far more important than material things.

Would you be willing and able to contact Womens Aid via their chat facility?. Alternatively you can go into a branch of Boots and ask for ANI, their staff will direct you to a consultation room where you can access support services. I would also suggest you contact the Rights of Women as they can give you some legal advice.

Original poster
singleusername · 29/07/2021 16:12

His behaviour isn't illegal.

I can't afford the house we are in. The mortgage is only £100 a month less than my earnings (which are shit).

Leaving the children behind if you move out will affect them markedly
That's what I worry about. But then I worry that staying will harm them too. And my mental health is so bad that I have started to worry that I am starting to be bad for them. It might actually be better for them if I left.

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 29/07/2021 16:14

Please speak to a solicitor before you do anything. You might well be in a position to keep the house and get maintenance.

Original poster
singleusername · 29/07/2021 16:19

&You might well be in a position to keep the house and get maintenance

I can't afford the house. And he will go absolutely mental if I try to divorce him and get the house. And he will be disgusting to the kids about me and tell them that I think Father's don't matter and that I am trying to get rid of him as I think Fathers don't matter, and I am just trying to make him unhappy.

If I leave he might be more accepting of that. It will mean he has won and it will kill me but staying it killing me too.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 29/07/2021 16:23

Speak to women’s aid for advice and support. If you took over the house would you be entitled to benefits to top up your wages? They are experienced with this kind of situation and may have ideas you haven’t thought of
Wishing you all the best, it sounds really tough.

Original poster
singleusername · 29/07/2021 16:30

I'm really put off my local women's aid. Last time I was there they told me to try marriage counselling FFS! That was their free solicitor. It completely devastated me. That would just become another tool he would use against me,. He uses everything against me.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/07/2021 16:32

Coercive control is now recognised as a crime.

Do consider speaking to Womens Aid and the Rights of Women that I've mentioned. Your abusive H is the root cause of all this on your shoulders and they can and will advise you here.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 29/07/2021 16:37

So what if he goes mental. Just divorce him and keep the kids. There is an awful lot of what ifs and assumption going on in your head....he might do this and he might say that.
Let him. You need a divorce and you need to keep your kids.
I did it and kept my DS and life was great. Djvorce judges reject all bullshit.

GooodMythicalMorning · 29/07/2021 16:41

You'd probably be entitled to Universal credit to help with payments.

Nicklebox · 29/07/2021 16:44

Go to your doctor and ask for some counseling you need to talk to someone who can help you see things more clearly, don't do anything in haste that you might regret.

Original poster
singleusername · 29/07/2021 16:46

Coercive control is now recognised as a crime

Its not coercive control.

There is an awful lot of what ifs and assumption going on in your head....he might do this and he might say that
They are not assumptions. I know exactly how he will behave.

OP posts:
leakymcleakleak · 29/07/2021 16:48

I know of a local women's aid organisation that no longer gives solicitor recommendations because of experiences like you describe.

OP I think you need to break things down into chunks - how old are your DC? How long will you need to be able to house them? It may be possible to stay in the house, or to rent something suitable nearby, and split custody 50/50 or 7030. Esp if its only for x number of years. I don't think you need to rush to leaving the children if you're the main or an equal caregiver. I'm sure it feels intolerable now, but its the kind of decision that could torment you for years if you make it too quickly and don't explore all your options. Try and get legal advise, and think about things that seem impossible because your husband wouldn't accept them - he may not have a choice, and he may also realise that sooner than you would think.

user16395699 · 29/07/2021 16:50

Why is it not coercive control?

Twizbe · 29/07/2021 16:51

I know this is hard because your husband has done a great job of making you think you're not worth anything. He's made you feel trapped.

Speak to a solicitor and get proper legal advice.

How old are the children? Kids are pretty switched on and mostly they see through bullshit like your husband is spouting

Tlollj · 29/07/2021 16:51

If you can’t afford to keep the house it will have to be sold. If he’s as bad as you say he is don’t leave the kids there.

Original poster
singleusername · 29/07/2021 16:58

How old are the children? Kids are pretty switched on and mostly they see through bullshit like your husband is spouting

6 and 8. They adore him. From their perspective, its me whose the one who is moody and unhappy.

OP posts:
LIZS · 29/07/2021 16:58

His behaviour does not need to be illegal for you to leave(or ask him to) and keep dc. If they are his he would need to contribute financially and it may mean you can stay in the family home. How old are they?

LIZS · 29/07/2021 17:00

I'm sure they adore you too and are too young and vulnerable to be left. Is his behaviour affecting your mh perhaps? Does he undermine your self worth?

Original poster
singleusername · 29/07/2021 17:04

Is his behaviour affecting your mh perhaps?

Yes! I wish he would beat the crap out of me so that I could say, 'see, see, do you see now? Do you believe me now about what he is like?'

Does he undermine your self worth?
I have no worth to him except in terms of how I make him feel. And a free nanny. Not that he I get any recognition for that either.

OP posts:
RaindropsOnRosie · 29/07/2021 17:18

Speak to Women's Aid over the phone or online, don't see them in person and request to speak to someone else if they give you the marriage counselling crap. Your idea to leave is not a solution, he will likely hound you and lie to the children. You can either leave and get yourself situated, then divorce him, or stay with a solicitor's advice make a plan to leave and get joint custody of the children. You need to speak to a professional though, all we can do on here is support and advise you with minimal information.

Do you work? Or have any savings/access to money?

Quarantino · 29/07/2021 17:24

But you're not divorcing him, because of how he will react? How is that not coercive control?

Colourmeclear · 29/07/2021 17:24

Please call women's aid and talk it though with them. I can sense how trapped you feel and that's coming through your posts that you see very few options right now. I believe you when you say how horrible he is. Is there anyone in real life who could support you?

I used to lie on the floor crying wishing my ex would hit me so I could leave and wouldn't have to try to explain that he wasn't a 'gentle giant'. There is no way that you reach those kind of thoughts without your partner being abusive to you.

ShippingNews · 29/07/2021 17:31

Just to give one perspective on this option - my son's partner left him and the children who were 5 and 9 at the time. That was 7 years ago and they have lived with their Dad ever since,and see their Mum once a fortnight for the weekend.

People might predict that kids in this situation would be mentally scarred, etc, but in the case of my grandchildren that hasn't happened at all. They love both of their parents and are doing well at school, no issues, well balanced and independent. I know this because I've seen them every day for the last 7 years and take them to and from school.

I know all families are different and have a variety of issues, but I'm just telling you this so you know that it isn't always a negative outcome when the mother leaves . I wish you well, whatever you decide to do.

Original poster
singleusername · 29/07/2021 17:40

@Quarantino

But you're not divorcing him, because of how he will react? How is that not coercive control?
I guess maybe that is. When I have said I want us to discuss splitting up, which I used to a lot but don't bother now, he would say ' that is not happening to me. You married me and you are staying married to me.' He thinks I only want to leave him to hurt him. It couldn't possibly be about how I feel about my own life. But generally it is not like that. As long as I stay living with him and taking care of the kids and organising the family things he likes, I can live my own life on top of that.

Is there anyone in real life who could support you? No.

OP posts:
NotaCoolMum · 29/07/2021 17:42

Why would you leave your children with a man you know is toxic?!