Should I leave my H and kids?

[singleusername]

I am absolutely desperate. Living with my H is emotional and mental torture. I have tried to deal with it for years but I just can't do it anymore. He would never move out of the house and I could not afford to buy him out anyway.

The only option I can think of to leave is for me to move out, but I couldn't take the kids. They are settled here and I know them moving to a deprived area and moving schools would affect them very badly, especially the eldest.
I would still see the kids but I would have to become the part-time parent.

@ShippingNews

Just to give one perspective on this option - my son's partner left him and the children who were 5 and 9 at the time. That was 7 years ago and they have lived with their Dad ever since,and see their Mum once a fortnight for the weekend.

People might predict that kids in this situation would be mentally scarred, etc, but in the case of my grandchildren that hasn't happened at all. They love both of their parents and are doing well at school, no issues, well balanced and independent. I know this because I've seen them every day for the last 7 years and take them to and from school.

I know all families are different and have a variety of issues, but I'm just telling you this so you know that it isn't always a negative outcome when the mother leaves . I wish you well, whatever you decide to do.

You see, he would still need me to collect the kids from school as he often works late, so I could perhaps still do that and see them every day/most days till he got home, and he would need me to have them in the holidays too.

But then one of my kids has always had real abandonment/ anxiety issues so I worry about triggering that if I left but then if I still saw them most days it may not be that different for them.

I know H would be really, well emotionally abusive, to the kids if I tried to kick him out as his emotions would be out of control, and he is unable to centre anyone but himself, but if I left I think there is a chance he could adapt to that much better especially if I was still facilitating his life through taking on most of parenting of the kids.

Surely youd be entitled to universal credit? My mortgage is £80 less than what I earn each month but with UC I make it work. Please try and get legal advice as others have said

So you don't think he will turn the kids against you anyway if you walk out? Please don't do anything rash. Things could get even worse for the children if you leave them.

@NotaCoolMum

Why would you leave your children with a man you know is toxic?!

I do worry about that but he does, in his own way, love them. And they do have nice times together. He's the ultimate Disney Dad, he won't do the hard, boring stuff about facilitating what they need from a parent, but he will do the fun stuff and they love doing that with him.

And ultimately he is their Dad and he wants to be in their life and nothing can stop that. If I left he would absolutely go for 50/50 custody, and that would mean they actually see more of him than they do now. If I leave but still pick them up from school things would remain fairly similar to now.

f I left I think there is a chance he could adapt to that much better especially if I was still facilitating his life through taking on most of parenting of the kids.

I'm sorry OP, I think you are wrong about this. He will punish you in whatever way he can think of, if that's the kind of man he is. You need to get away from him and you need your kids away from him. You need to start planning your way out of this. Do you have a friend or family member you can trust?

@Notnowkate

So you don't think he will turn the kids against you anyway if you walk out? Please don't do anything rash. Things could get even worse for the children if you leave them.

I don't know. You see he is miserable too and clearly hates me. I don't really understand why he wants us to stay together. it may be he is just worried about the cost of splitting and not seeing his kids much - he has made references to that before. So if I leave, and it doesn't cost him anything and I still provide a 'childcare' function, I think there is a possibility he might accept that.

My impression of what you are describing is a man who has an image of himself as a good father/family man, but does not behave in that way in private. He'll do the 'fun' things with kids but takes no responsibility for their actual care and wellbeing. He doesn't want you to leave because that would ruin his image of being a good family man. It would hurt his pride. He makes you stay by controlling you and threatening you that you will lose access to your children. If you stop being his emotional punchbag he will terrorise his children instead. He will make you feel that is your fault for refusing to be his punchbag. Your children know they have to be excited and happy for daddy but they are anxious and fearful deep down. If you leave, they will not have your protection from this frightening man.

OP, if even half of what I've said is right, you must get out of there and you must take your kids with you. Get some help, get a solicitor, start making an exit plan.

He wants you to stay because you do all the things he cannot be bothered with. It is a form of control and what you describe is emotionally abusive at least. Do you work?

I'd never ever ever leave my children, let alone with someone like that😮😮😵‍💫🤯. You need to talk to someone.
Maybe move into a friends house or family members house until you've gone through the divorce.

He's not capable of being a full time parent. At 8 & 6 the kids will adjust to new houses and schools.

If you leave HIM, he will go to any measure possible to ensure that you never see your children again.

He will also asap find a new partner to take over your role.

Your children will hate you and he will make sure of that.

You need to actually stop fantasising here and work out a realistic grounded plan to improve the lives of you and your children.

Leaving with them will also have consequences, but I doubt they are worse than the above.

Do not leave your kids. Do leave him. I know it feels an impossible mountain to climb but it is absolutely possible - people do it every day.
Your kids will adapt to new schools and new lives. One day they will thank you. Don't let fear/logistics stop you from doing the right thing. You can do it

I stopped reading the thread at this point. This IS coercion, ok? It just is. My ex said this kind of thing, but as coercive control is not a crime in his country, it never got recognised. The UK is different. It really is.

Don't know where you are up to now OP but PLEASE get proper legal advice before you do anything.

My impression of what you are describing is a man who has an image of himself as a good father/family man Absolutely this! His entire psychology is entirely centred on maintaining his image of himself. That's why he hates me so much now. The failure of the marriage has to be entirely my fault and I have deliberately destroyed it just to hurt him. He has explicitly said this over and over.

He'll do the 'fun' things with kids but takes no responsibility for their actual care and wellbeing This. He'll sporadically do some homework things but he never maintains this and he certainly isn't thinking about them proactively and trying to put things in place to meet their social/ learning/ emotional needs. They, like everyone else, exist in terms of what he gets from them being in his life.

He doesn't want you to leave because that would ruin his image of being a good family man. It would hurt his pride This!

threatening you that you will lose access to your children No, he thinks he will lose access. I think that is his fear. Once he knows he can get 50% access he will go for that. I suppose he might try to get more but I think he would find that hard as I can evidence everything I have done for the kids against his near fuck all (though he will try to claim I 'excluded him' ).

If you stop being his emotional punchbag he will terrorise his children instead I don't think so. Though I am aware that I have to plan a split in the way that is easiest for him as if he is emotionally overwhelmed he will behave appallingly.
Your children know they have to be excited and happy for daddy but they are anxious and fearful deep down I don't think so, they genuinely look forward to him coming home and when they get to spend time with him.

Maybe move into a friends house or family members house until you've gone through the divorce There isn't anyone.

He's not capable of being a full time parent No he isn't. My biggest horror would be me dying and them being left just with him.

Do you work? Yes, but I earn very little. I've started applying for other jobs that pay a bit more or have more progression opportunities but not had any success so far.

So sorry to hear how desperate you are op. Leaving your kids will be the hardest thing you can do. You seem to think you can carry taking care of them whilst your h works. But what about the future? What if he meets someone who can do this? Where will you stand then? Please do not rush into any decision thisis damaging for everyone involved and could get worse. Can you go away for a break alone to decide what to do? I've been in a similar position but I cud never leave dc my misery would be so much more worse without them in my life. I wish you well please look after yourself and take your time some things can't be turned back. Look at louise the singer she gave up everything to look after herself and now her ex has happily moved on. Good luck.

Your children know they have to be excited and happy for daddy but they are anxious and fearful deep down I don't think so, they genuinely look forward to him coming home and when they get to spend time with him.

Apologies, OP, I thought you'd said they had abandonment issues.

I know you think you can manage this man so that he won't be emotionally abusive to his children. He is already emotionally abusive to them through his abuse of you.

What happens if the kids take your side or try to protect you? I bet they don't dare? What happens if they are tired/sad/defiant? Do they ever express anything other than positive feelings towards their father? I'm going to guess no, because that's not how he wants it. That doesn't fit with his image of himself.

I also think you are mistaken that you can help him manage his emotions somehow to lessen the impact on your kids. You need to see that the problem is not that he is overwhelmed or unable to control his emotions. He chooses how to behave. His abuse of you is a choice (does he do it in public where others would be able to see what he's like? No? Then it's a choice.) He chooses to abuse you because it suits him to have you under his control.

Please don't leave your kids with him OP. There are ways out of this. Can you speak to your GP? You need some help getting an exit strategy together.

He has really done a number on you to think that your only option is to move out and leave your kids with him. I really wouldn’t trust him with them. He doesn’t seem capable of meeting their basic needs and despite what you think now, he will very likely fight tooth and nail to be the main parent. A) to spite you, B) to continue the family man image, C) to stop you from getting your fair share of the money.

A decent man would move out. He isn’t decent in any sense or shape. Please do not leave your kids with him. You may think right now her won’t use them as a punching bag. Wait until they reach 12/13 and really start to push the boundaries.

He's not capable of being a full time parent

No he isn't. My biggest horror would be me dying and them being left just with him.

Then how can you think of leaving the home and your children too ?

Are you struggling with the children at the moment OP?
Because it sounds like you are in a very dark place emotionally and maybe you need a decent break for starters. Also and please don't take offence if I am way off (in fact none of this comment is intended to sound anything but supportive) but do you think you are depressed and maybe need antidepressants.
I feel like you can't see the wood for the trees and if it's anything similar to something I went through, your DH has ground your self esteem down little by little over a long period and now you see yourself the way he wants you to see yourself.
Something I know for sure - there is no pain in this world like being separated from your children and not being able to get them back. So that's why I think you need a bit of space and time to recharge and figure out conclusively if relinquishing full or half time custody is the right thing for you.
They are still so young and a Disney dad is great for the day or even the weekend but all the difficult times when they're I'll or throwing up or had a bad dream or naughty - is he going to be able to handle that in the way you would hope a loving parent would be able to?
Make no mistake that he'll run you down to them, probably as insidiously as he's tried to destroy your confidence, he won't be able to stop himself.
How will you feel if and when he charms another unsuspecting woman and moves her in too quickly and tells the kids they've got a new mummy?
I am not saying you shouldn't leave, I think it's obvious you have to but I think you should try and get some legal advice first, I appreciate what you've said about how he'll react but with the right support and if you can put your self first for a bit you might very well surprise yourself.
I know it's exhausting having to be so strong all the time but leaving the children behind might end up being a massive regret that you can't correct.
You deserve a happy life if your own design and only you know if being a full time mum is part of that and absolutely no one should judge you but you have to be completely honest and sure before you leave them.

@Mummyoflittledragon

He has really done a number on you to think that your only option is to move out and leave your kids with him. I really wouldn’t trust him with them. He doesn’t seem capable of meeting their basic needs and despite what you think now, he will very likely fight tooth and nail to be the main parent. A) to spite you, B) to continue the family man image, C) to stop you from getting your fair share of the money.

A decent man would move out. He isn’t decent in any sense or shape. Please do not leave your kids with him. You may think right now her won’t use them as a punching bag. Wait until they reach 12/13 and really start to push the boundaries.

You're right.

I don't know what to do. Everything is so shit. I don't have anywhere to leave to with the kids. The kids won't adapt easily. My eldest adapts easily to nothing. Its taken three years for him to even start to feel ok at his current school - how can I put him through that? Not to mention all impact on his learning from all the stress of the move, he is already in 'special measures' at school, it would be stressful for a kid whose parents were splitting in a way which took care of their kids' welfare, but his dad would be doing the exact opposite if I left with the kids.

But that leaves staying and that is what I have tried to do, to take the hit on me, I mean its my fault for not figuring out who he was sooner. But I don't think I am strong enough to do it and I'm scared the impact on me is affecting them too, I know I am snappy and short when I am miserable about my situation. But if I leave with them that's making things worst for them just to make my life better and that's just selfish, like he is selfish, so I'd be no better than him.

its all such a horrible nightmare.

but do you think you are depressed

I've no doubt I am depressed but I don't see the point in drugs. I'm depressed cos my life is shit.

How will you feel if and when he charms another unsuspecting woman and moves her in too quickly and tells the kids they've got a new mummy?
I never thought of that.

He’s done such a job on your self worth and your self confidence that you can’t see the wood for the trees, and it’s no surprise you are thinking about moving out.

But trust everyone when they say that a man who can do this to his wife is a man who will one day do it to his children too.

I fully sympathise with why you feel like you need to leave now, but that’s not the right decision in the long term.

It IS abuse. Any behaviour that damages your mental health this much IS abuse.

Take your time and use MN or WA to find your strength. You can do this, though it won’t be overnight. You and your children deserve so much more, and the support is there for you to find your way out.

You definitely need to consider taking legal advice to find out what your financial position would be.

My eldest adapts easily to nothing. Its taken three years for him to even start to feel ok at his current school - how can I put him through that?

Has it occurred to you your eldest might feel like this because of his dad?

The only reason you should willingly leave the children is if you genuinely believe he'll give them a better life than you ever could, and it's clear you don't believe that.