Should I leave my H and kids?

[singleusername]

I am absolutely desperate. Living with my H is emotional and mental torture. I have tried to deal with it for years but I just can't do it anymore. He would never move out of the house and I could not afford to buy him out anyway.

The only option I can think of to leave is for me to move out, but I couldn't take the kids. They are settled here and I know them moving to a deprived area and moving schools would affect them very badly, especially the eldest.
I would still see the kids but I would have to become the part-time parent.

My heart breaks for you if you are depressed tablets aren't the answer but they will help you cope until you can decide what to do. do you have any emotional support irl? Have you tried counselling? Right now your not in the right headspace to make such a big decision you need help first. Try to get some please ive been where you are now.

Why would you leave your babies?

It's your husband that's the problem.

Where's the tiger in you.

See your GP, speak to women's Aid, call up
some advice sites that can help and support with emotional/ psychological abuse. But please, don't walk away from your children.

If you are certain your children aren’t in any danger from him physically or mentally then I’d say definitely move out. You will probably be a better parent once you are away from him.

Leaving getting g your ow n place
Having your dc 50 50
May be a good idea
Then lawyer divorce finance

Because getting him to leave will be much harder
So do it
Get deposit
Rent claim h b if you need to
Then lawyer divorce

See your GP. Explain you are being abused. You need help.
Gather together all important documents and ID for you and kids, store somewhere safe where he can't get to them (work locker?)
Get a burner phone so you can make and take phone calls relating to your escape plan. Keep this at work or somewhere he won't find it.
Save as much money as you can to rent somewhere for you and kids
Apply for council housing too
Start making your claims for benefits as soon as possible
Once you have found a place to rent, move the kids and yourself out while husband is at work
Get yourself a solicitor and start divorce proceedings

I know it is overwhelming but it is doable. Break it down into little steps. Just don't let him find out what you're up to.

@singleusername

His behaviour isn't illegal.

I can't afford the house we are in. The mortgage is only £100 a month less than my earnings (which are shit).

Leaving the children behind if you move out will affect them markedly
That's what I worry about. But then I worry that staying will harm them too. And my mental health is so bad that I have started to worry that I am starting to be bad for them. It might actually be better for them if I left.

Have you looked at Universal credit & child benefit entitlements to see if you could have enough to manage the mortgage or to rent in that way? Also child support depending on how often he'd have DC.

He can't stop you divorcing him. Is there much equity, do either of you have good pensions? These will most likely need to be shared. Asset and debt division should be factored into what you can afford.

Living with my H is emotional and mental torture

So you are going to leave this, and leave the children to do it instead?

I can sense the desparation and turmoil in your post, at the moment you cannot think or see straight.

This man has done this to you, I think you believe he has more power than he actually has.
He does not make laws, there are laws to protect you and your right to live without fear, abuse and intimidation.

You can see someone about your financial situation, he cannot stop you doing that, you must not believe that he is all powerful.

He has trained you to be scared of questioning him and scared of change.
I think you should contact WA and this time when you talk to them, stop defending him at the same time, you are so mixed up you don't know what abuse is. He has seen to that.

Read up and find out about the abusive dynamics that can be so covert in many relationships.

Arm yourself with knowledge.

You can survive without him and you can survive with your children, he has made you think they prefer him over you, if they were to be away from him I'm not sure that would be true.

Children are very adept at siding or remaining quiet so as not to antagonise the bullying parent, your admission to me about you flying off the handle, being angry then depressed shows to me you are the one who is diminishing in this relationship.

You are not thriving, you are in physical and mental pain, now that is hardly a woman who feels she is being loved, cherished and cared for.

You are isolated and he has done a number on you, he has made you believe there is no way out, he has constructed a prison in your mind with your only option you feel is to run without your children or any money being taken from him.

You really think there is no other option.......

There really is.

Don’t leave your kids. I’m the child of a mum bc who left the family home and it’s shit

You do not have to move out or leave your kids.

File for divorce. Make an appt to see a solicitor tomorrow.

You are married, you own the house together. You will get child maintenance and possibly spousal support payments. Or the house will be sold and you split - depending on how it plays out through solicitors you may get more than 50%.

You do not have to be trapped with this man.

Short term might be hellish till the house is sold/he moves out. But it won't be forever.

If you get a solicitor they will be on your side - you won't feel alone.

Find your strength for this. Your children are young - they will adapt. I feel for you, but you can do this

Op, I see in your patterns of thinking a classic abuse victim capitulation of, if I just clean the house to a high enough standard I won't get a beating tonight, if dinner is on the table and tastes amazing I won't get punched. With you it's, if I leave the kids with him he won't be vindictive, if I give him my share of the house he'll be amicable, let me be a part of the kids lives. But we all know that it doesn't matter whether the house was showroom spotless, the dinner was 5 Michelin star worthy because abuse is not about any of that, its about power and control. Look at how your h has you doing the same and he's managed to do it without even raising a hand to you. He has you capitulating your children and your rightful settlement from a divorce because you are so scared of his wrath, but it wouldn't be about the house and kids. You would have dared to walk away and not give in to his power and control that he has over you (in his eyes).
The answer isn't to stay and endure this either, it's clearly damaging to you and will be hugely damaging to your kids. It's about taking back your control of your life. It seems scary and impossible, especially when you are in fight or flight mode which it sounds like you are right now. Break things down step by step. Entitled-to website will tell you how much financial help you will be entitled to. Cms calculator to see how much child maintenance. Solicitor to see what you would be likely to get in a divorce, how easy it would be to get an occupation order or non mol if h starts being abusive and what local family Court tend to do custody wise. Women's aid to have someone support you doing all this. Gingerbread is a great charity for single parents to look at what local support is around.
Small steps, gathering info to show you how many options, how much support and help there is to break free. With more knowledge hopefully you'll be able to feel more powerful and in control.

@Doubledoorsontogarden

Don’t leave your kids. I’m the child of a mum bc who left the family home and it’s shit

Can you tell me more about that?

You can leave to new,flat without leaving the dc
They should still be with you 50 50

@girlmom21

The only reason you should willingly leave the children is if you genuinely believe he'll give them a better life than you ever could, and it's clear you don't believe that.

I'm another whose mum left, in my case unlike your children OP, we were actually much better off with our Dad. It still did a lot of damage having our mum effectively abandon us, walked out and we didn't see her for a year. I know you're not trying to abandon your DC, but you're seriously considering leaving them with a man who may be their Dad but has done little parenting and has abused their mother. I'd fully expect that if you did leave them with him he'd be telling them you've abandoned them and don't love them soon after you walk out the door. They need to go with you, even if it's to a tiny flat and even if it's only a couple days because you have 50/50. They need to feel secure in your love, that's a lot more important than a school or a house. I get wanting to keep the familiar, my DC are variously Autistic and have anxiety and severe panic attacks. They will hate leaving this house, but they would hate me not being there more. Taking them with you helps show them no matter what he says that you love them and they are your priority.

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN. THEY WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU.

@Beachbabe1

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN. THEY WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU.

I feel for the op, and a lot of the thread is good advice but there’s a few posts I’m uncomfortable with.

There’s a general tone of “the man should leave”, “the kids are yours” and “it’s bad for them to be with their dad”

Why is it always the man who should leave, sacrifice seeing his kids as much (50 :50 is great but it’s not in his control, and be seen as “he left his family”

@BillMasen because a child depends on their mother who has been their primary carer for their whole lives. Imagine that and then taking yourself away from them, it's evil.

You have been given stellar advice here. One of my best friend´s mother walked out when he was very small. He has never forgiven her. When he talks about it it is like you are confronted with that 4 year old again, he doesn´t rationalise it like the adult he is. That kind of thing sticks. Never think that if i renounce this or renounce that he won´t kick off, he isn´t wired that way. Whatever you do he will react so you may as well give it your best shot anyway.

Please seek advice before you do anything.

Just wanted to come back and say I have thought about what you have all said and decided that moving out by myself is not really an option.
I think that my eldest in particular would see it as abandonment and you are right that once I have left I have relinquished even more control to him.
Thing is that, I really can't leave with the kids, I don't believe my eldest in particular will adapt to living in, bluntly, the sort of impoverished area I grew up in. All the psychological pressure I am under now will just be replaced with the psychological pressure of knowing what I have done to my kids by moving. I can't make their life worse to try to make mine better. I just can't live with that.

Could you keep them in the same school and just bus them in. I’m currently selling a big house and moving to a smaller deprived area, I don’t feel bad about it cos we will be free. Free!! No bad atmosphere, no criticism, no shitty parenting just free!

I think you're right not to leave your kids. However, you CAN leave with them. You assume it will make their lives worse but I don't think this is the case. You will have your freedom and ability to repair your mental health. Having a happy and calm supportive mum will be wonderful for them. Not seeing their mum being abused (do not kid yourself that they don't see this) will be wonderful for them. Their dad will still have the opportunity to spend time with them. Your kids would rather have a happy life in a less wealthy area than a miserable existence watching their mum be terrorised and growing up to take their turns as punchbags too.

Is there a possibility that your husband can move out? I know he won't want to but you have rights too. Get a solicitor and work out your best plan of action. It's hard, but you're wrong to think it's a choice between staying or leaving your kids. You can be free and keep your kids. You just need to stay calm, keep the head, and get yourself some good legal advice.

Have you checked your benefit entitlement if you were a single parent? The website entitledto is really helpful to get an idea of how much money you would have.

At the moment you can only see the damage you think will happen to your children if you leave. Your fear and low self esteem are making that damage huge in your head, making it much bigger than the reality would be.

Also, you seem to be unable to see the damage being done to your children by living with an abusive father. Watching his abuse of you is in itself damaging (witnessing domestic abuse is recognised as a safeguarding issue in schools). And at some stage your DC will start to do things he doesn't like and he will turn on them.

Hi OP. I was in your place for many years. I finally ended the relationship this year. I wish I had found my strength years ago.
I ended up asking him to leave. And then I didn’t let him back in. It was difficult as we have a mortgage together but children’s services became involved and that did give me a bit more leverage.
Like you, my salary is only a little more than the mortgage, but I qualified for universal credit and I receive maintenance from him.
I recommend the Freedom Programme. That changed my life. It opened my eyes and gave me the final push I needed. Before that he would always talk me round again and confuse me. The Freedom Programme helped me see that this was also abusive behaviour.
You can’t do it until you’re ready. One day you will and I promise you won’t regret it. It will be tough and he will not forgive you for it. But you won’t ever regret it. Good luck!

Good luck op and in the meantime maybe do more things for yourself try counselling or pills just to help you cope. do things that you enjoy go out and live have me time it will help with the daily crap that's going on but I am glad the kids aren't being left behind you gave birth to them and they are your life now.