Friend's affair affecting my life

[picklemums]

I am looking for advice please because I can't turn to anyone in real life and am feeling increasing stress about my friend.
She has been having an on/off affair with a married man for 10 years.

Last year it seems that the man wanted to finish it. Since then my friend has changed. I don't think she can accept it's over. I would go so far as to say she might be unstable at times.
The problem is that we are both part of a small but close circle of friends/family and I literally can't talk to anyone. Not even my own DH.
My friend also got married and had DC a couple of years ago and her DH is so lovely. I could never tell him, it would destroy him.
I think everyone thinks she's got ongoing PND.

I need to unburden, I can't cut her off, and I feel I'm the only one to 'police' her behaviour. It verges on borderline stalking at times, other times she's sad, and other times she gets really angry.

I thought about speaking to the married man. I don't know him personally but I could easily contact him. Would this be the best thing to do? He might have an idea about what to do?

She sounds like she needs a reality check but I think you're probably best just leaving well alone. It'll take time for her to come to terms with it and accept that it's over

God what a horrendous situation. I definitely wouldn't contact the married man, what could he possibly do - he finished it this time anyway.

I think I would have to give your friend some home truths - that she needs to accept that it's over, have a shit-tonne of therapy, see the GP asap about the unstable behaviour.

You're not responsible for policing her behaviour at all.

Do you feel she has pnd?

I wouldn't contact the man. I would keep clear of it.
She's very wrong to do what she is doing. If you want to remain friends you need to tell her you are no longer engaging in conversation about the affair or the man. Keep a bit of distance.

I don’t think the married man is going to give a shit tbh. I couldn’t live like this though. How have you managed to cover up for her for so long? Are you going to lose family/friends when it inevitably comes out?

Keep your nose out! Listen and say 'ah!' sagely, then put it out of your mind.

I never had PND so it is difficult for me to say. I know everyone is different but I was under the impression women with PND struggle with everyday tasks? She definitely isn't like that. She has a close bond with DC as well. But she can be tearful but only when talking about ex AP.

Whose problem do you want to solve, hers or yours?

It’s pointless trying to solve her problem after 10 years. She is an adult and if she hasn’t smelt the coffee by now she never will.

But you can solve your problem and that is to tell her you don’t want to be her confidante any more. That doesn’t mean you are going to expose her, just that you will not be friends and you won’t lie or cover up for her.

Basically you need to break up with her as she isn’t going to break up with him.

breathelifehealingcenters.com/toxic-codependency-looks-like/

You need to take a step back. You can’t save her and she is not your responsibility. She is the cause of her undoing and all you can do is be there for her/her family when it all comes out.

Have you tried having a stern word with her?

Explaining what she's doing is stalking?

And explaining the effect it's having on you? It's very unfair that you have to shoulder this all alone. Can you make her understand that you're done with it all?

Is she capable of taking anything on board?

She need to stop off loading on you. She is putting you in an impossible situation and you need it to stop. Tell her you will no longer be a sounding board for her affair. Its too big a secret, and will cause you too much trouble personally WHEN it all comes out that she had an affair and you knew all along.

I definitely wouldn't contact him. There is nothing he can do to sort her out except get back together with her, and that wouldn't be good all round.

Tbh I don't think there is much you can do except just continue to be a friend to her OR try and distance yourself if it's getting too much. Is she contacting you constantly to talk about him?

Why do you feel you need to police her behaviour? Maybe that's part of the solution. Stop picking her up and let her get herself into trouble, then she will have no choice but to face the music when it hits the fan.

Just avoid her and refuse to listen to anything about the affair. If it comes out in the wash that you knew that anger will end up being directed at you too. Just say you don't approve and distance yourself.

*then not that

Are the kids definitely her DP's?

OP and I mean this kindly you need to stop being so involved. You are not responsible for another adults behaviour. Your now thinking about contacting a man you dont even know when in fact its absolutely nothing to do with you. The whole relationship has nothing to do with you. You have allowed yourself to be part of the deceit.

You are now lying to her husband and your own Dh by omission. Why are you even part of this?

If you can't cut her off you can close it down. Tell her that you dont want to be apart of it anymore and that actually you dont agree with what she is doing and its actually none of your business anymore.

Tbh I'd never be able to look her husband in the face again if I was you.

@LtDansleg

I don’t think the married man is going to give a shit tbh. I couldn’t live like this though. How have you managed to cover up for her for so long? Are you going to lose family/friends when it inevitably comes out?

She confides in me and I'm not proud of the fact that I've managed to cover for her. But it's been on and off so much over the years that the boundaries between AP and friend are blurred so much that I think people that know her/him assume they're mates. No excuse, but we were single when she first met him and we all thought it a bit of a laugh/scandal that an older married man fancied her. It can't come out, there would be devastation to her family. I think DH would be understanding of my role in it but I am stressed. I've noticed that she's recently changed her body shape and coloured her hair, and that she resembles his wife more acutely now. I haven't broached this with her.

What @LemonTT said

Christ op it's ok to tell your husband. It's not your secret to keep. If anything comes out they are get repercussions - not yours.

*her

Why haven't you told your husband? In not telling him, you're lying about why you're a bit down /upset etc. Why are you putting her wants above the needs of your marriage? You need to find a way to have a bit of integrity, even if she doesn't.
1 tell your husband
2 stop lying to everyone, if that means stopping seeing her so much then that's that. You can be civil to her in company but why be her confidante?

@Ginger1982

Are the kids definitely her DP's?

This.

What a nasty, nasty person your friend is. I'm not surprised you are struggling - when someone we feel we know acts in a way that doesn't fit with our own morals, it is incredibly difficult to continue to feel the same way about them.
I suspect you're also feeling a sense of grief for the friend you thought she was - one that wasn't capable of betraying a husband and children for years and years.

I think you need to just step back and let her find her own way. Hopefully she will get found out before long.

Is there any way that her lovely husband could find out you knew all along?

You say it "can't" come out but I think if her behaviour is becoming unstable it will come out. Everything scrambled and LemonTT have said is spot on. I think I'd tell my DH myself, sooner rather than later, and start distancing yourself asap.