Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Friend's affair affecting my life

100 replies

picklemums · 28/07/2021 10:32

I am looking for advice please because I can't turn to anyone in real life and am feeling increasing stress about my friend.
She has been having an on/off affair with a married man for 10 years.

Last year it seems that the man wanted to finish it. Since then my friend has changed. I don't think she can accept it's over. I would go so far as to say she might be unstable at times.
The problem is that we are both part of a small but close circle of friends/family and I literally can't talk to anyone. Not even my own DH.
My friend also got married and had DC a couple of years ago and her DH is so lovely. I could never tell him, it would destroy him.
I think everyone thinks she's got ongoing PND.

I need to unburden, I can't cut her off, and I feel I'm the only one to 'police' her behaviour. It verges on borderline stalking at times, other times she's sad, and other times she gets really angry.

I thought about speaking to the married man. I don't know him personally but I could easily contact him. Would this be the best thing to do? He might have an idea about what to do?

OP posts:

Roselilly36 · 28/07/2021 13:01

What are you actually getting out of this “friendship” OP? Aside from a lot of hassle. Your friend is an adult & a cheat. Step right back from the drama. This situation is bound to be revealed at some point, you want to be removed from it ASAP. Tell your DH what has been going on, I don’t suppose he will be impressed either. She is not a friend if she is burdening you with a problem of her own making. Step back completely.

Mantlemoose · 28/07/2021 13:02

@Dontbeme

From a few replies it is clear I need to talk to DH. I think I always knew that deep down but am scared it will change the group dynamic

You should be scared it will end your marriage, because if I was your DH I would be wondering what else you lied about and covered up, I would be viewing you very differently. In my long life I have seen the impact of affairs being revealed and in 99% of cases those that cheated were a-okay with colluding and hiding other people's affairs and lies. But sure be worried about the "group dynamic" you need to cut this friend loose because her bullshit is going to splatter on you eventually.

Wishing MN had a like button...............

Original poster

picklemums · 28/07/2021 13:03

Regarding my friend's DC, all I know is that she and AP were certainly communicating at the time she must have conceived but I don't think they would have been having sex.
There was a period during her pregnancy when I think they met up with one another.
This is not something I would ever ask anyway and I don't think she would be that stupid.

OP posts:

Notonthestairs · 28/07/2021 13:04

Roselily I think what the Op gets from the friendship is that she's maintaining the status quo for the remainder of their group (by inhibiting her friend from pursuing the other man). But it's not working and it doesn't sound like it's diminishing so it will continue on and on.

LemonTT · 28/07/2021 13:04

OP if your friend was posting here now we would be telling her the relationship is toxic for her and everyone else. That she should walk away.

She isn’t posting or asking what’s wrong. You are. Everyone has told you she is toxic to you and everyone else. You need to walk away from her. Instead you are trying to find reasons to keep the friendship. Which don’t seem a million miles away from what I’d expect her to say as to why she carry’s on.

You haven’t given a single good reason to stay friends. Not even close. If you continue being part of this charade you need to take some responsibility for the fallout.

Xiaoxiong · 28/07/2021 13:04

She's not suffering some sort of episode if it's been going on for 10 years. I would argue you're enabling her by allowing her to offload her responsibilities onto you. She needs to choose not to message him, to choose to avoid this man, not to be prevented from doing so by you.

Increasingly I think you need to cut her off, especially if even going for a walk is weighted with the possibility that you might run into him. Distance yourself or she will drag you down with her when (not if) her DH and your friendship circle finds out and it comes out that you knew for a decade.

scrambledcustard · 28/07/2021 13:06

OP why do you have to manage another adults behaviour? I think if your honest with yourself you'll find you get something out of being this central in some one else's ten year affair. Its odd.

She needs proper therapy if your actually discussing walking routes and discussing how to mange her behaviour. the whole thing sounds incredibly codependant on both sides

scrambledcustard · 28/07/2021 13:08

I think you both need therapy tbh

Beckhamsmetatarsal · 28/07/2021 13:11

I understand where you're coming from OP. Telling you to get therapy is way out of line from Scrambled.

I think I would talk to your DH and see what he thinks and talk through what to do next. Your DH might feel up to telling her partner. He deserves to know. What if the children arent his?

Original poster

picklemums · 28/07/2021 13:11

@Roselilly36

Before he decided to call it a day, she was a great person. (I know that a cheater can't really be a great person, I mean in terms of a great person to be a friend with). I think her friendship with this man had gone on for so long she had normalised it. I think she's now devastated and it would devastate her further if I also disappeared from her life.

OP posts:

Beckhamsmetatarsal · 28/07/2021 13:16

I think you are giving her too much leeway. She has been having an affair for TEN years, she hasn't been having an episode for ten years whether it's on/off or whatever. That's years of lies, and she has made you complicit in it without any thought for the guilt and the way that you feel about it. You are kind to consider her feelings, but ask yourself- has she considered yours in any of this?

Notnowkate · 28/07/2021 13:18

But you can't remain in her life at the same level. The dynamic will change anyway when you stop being party to the deceit. So done I considered a friend had a long running affair which came out because I found out she had been telling her husband she had been with me while she was with the AP. I only discovered this when her husband approached me in the street to talk about where myself and his wife had been the previous day and it was obvious I didn't have a clue what he was talking about. The trust ended for me on discovering that all the time I was being a listening ear she was knowingly dragging me into her drama by telling people she was with me when she wasn't.

Original poster

picklemums · 28/07/2021 13:24

No, she hasn't considered my feelings in all of this.
But when this whole mess started, I was younger and immature and just thought it was a bit of fun that one of our friends was being pursued by this new older married man. Initially we teased her about him fancying her, it was obvious he fancied her. I am now ashamed to admit this but that is how we were back then. Never gave any thought about his wife. She's carried me along with it because I was there in the beginning and she continued to confide in me about their meetings. As I grew up I became less 'cool' with it but it was too late by then.

OP posts:

LemonTT · 28/07/2021 13:27

@Beckhamsmetatarsal

I understand where you're coming from OP. Telling you to get therapy is way out of line from Scrambled.

I think I would talk to your DH and see what he thinks and talk through what to do next. Your DH might feel up to telling her partner. He deserves to know. What if the children arent his?

Why on earth would it be right to shift this problem to her DH. It’s the OP who has been party to this. She needs to do the right thing and stop making excuses.

Will there be fallout? Yes and it will come back to the cheaters and the person who enabled it. The OP has culpability because she could have stopped the marriage and the shitshow that will be a paternity question mark for the children.

MagnoliaBeige · 28/07/2021 13:34

If it’s affecting your life, you need to put yourself and your family first and back off from the friendship. Maybe it all needs to come to a head so everyone can move on - if you’re enabling this to continue (either the actual affair or the management of keeping it a secret), you’re inadvertently contributing to the stress you’re feeling. I’d tell your friend that you can’t be her support any more and if she’s any kind of friend, she’ll acknowledge the extent of what’s she’s asking you to be a part of.

IAmNotAClownfish · 28/07/2021 13:44

If I were you, I'd be much more worried about what my husband thought about me keeping this secret.

If I ever found out that my husband was keeping this type of secret from me I don't think I'd be able to trust him again because it looks like you condone the cheating.

And I imagine if it gets out into the friend group, assuming your friend's husband is part of it, then you might well get the blame there too.

Chickychickydodah · 28/07/2021 13:44

Next time she starts on about it, tell her to grow up and that you’re fed up of listening to it and it’s over!
You need t o let her get over it , it’s not your responsibility.

Thistletime · 28/07/2021 13:45

The man ended the affair last year so she will probably carry on moping for another year or so then slowly accept it. Go on holiday, go out with other friends, enjoy your own family, have fun. Life's too short.

Thistletime · 28/07/2021 13:53

One of my DH's mates confided in my DH a while back telling DH he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown because he'd had an affair years ago and now his wife was on the verge of finding out.

My DH liked the wife very much. Had known her for years. Said she was a really lovely woman. I met her once and she seemed a lovely, quiet sort of woman. They had seemed a solid couple.

My DH stopped contact with his friend, only speaking to this guy if the guy phoned. DH stopped phoning him. A friendship fizzling out after so many years is sad but sometimes people show you that they aren't worthy of your friendship anymore.

AuntMasha · 28/07/2021 13:57

What do you get out of being the dumping ground for all this angst? It’s not worth sacrificing your wellbeing and peace of mind over the drama created by this so-called friend. Let the friendship cool a little, detach from the drama and get on with your own life.

Seesawmummadaw · 28/07/2021 14:02

Tell her you don’t want to hear anything about it. You’re not ok with it and she needs to stop involving you.

Millymog · 28/07/2021 14:11

"Go on holiday, go out with other friends, enjoy your own family, have fun. Life's too short."

This above is what both you and your friend should do - but separate from each other.

Millymog · 28/07/2021 14:23

"There was a period during her pregnancy when I think they met up with one another.
This is not something I would ever ask anyway and I don't think she would be that stupid."

The above comment feels weird to me - like she has a real hold over you. She lets you know all of her drama, safe in the knowledge that (1) you will keep everything confidential and cover for her allowing her to continue the situation; and (2) safe in the knowledge that you will not - how can I phrase it - "hurt her feelings" (is that what it is?) by just asking her outright "Are your kids your husbands children?"
Considering that she is willing to burden you with all the can of worms, the fact that you are reluctant to ask her a frank question does not feel healthy.

And the thing about her not being so "stupid" - of course it is not entirely within her control to be "stupid" or "clever" in this situation - if there is any chance whatsoever she was sleeping with two men at the same time then there is always the chance that her child might not be her husbands.

I dunno - the word "stupid" almost feels like "provided she wasn't being stupid and used contraception /therewas no overlap in sexual partners etc" - well that is all ok then.

Perhaps I am reading too much into the word stupid there - because from my reading of it everything she has done for the last 10 years feels a bit stupid really

Branleuse · 28/07/2021 14:24

its not an episode. This is who she is. Why is this your responsibility to manage her?

ArthurApples · 28/07/2021 14:37

She is using you and you are enabling her. If it all came out you're in the wrong for being supportive of her adultery, of her shitting all over her DH and kids. Back off, mind your own business. She doesn't care about you as much as you think she does. If her life gets harder then that is because of what she has done. Strengthen your own boundaries moving forward, this friendship isn't a good one. Tell your DH, you are a team.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread