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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friend's affair affecting my life

100 replies

picklemums · 28/07/2021 10:32

I am looking for advice please because I can't turn to anyone in real life and am feeling increasing stress about my friend.
She has been having an on/off affair with a married man for 10 years.

Last year it seems that the man wanted to finish it. Since then my friend has changed. I don't think she can accept it's over. I would go so far as to say she might be unstable at times.
The problem is that we are both part of a small but close circle of friends/family and I literally can't talk to anyone. Not even my own DH.
My friend also got married and had DC a couple of years ago and her DH is so lovely. I could never tell him, it would destroy him.
I think everyone thinks she's got ongoing PND.

I need to unburden, I can't cut her off, and I feel I'm the only one to 'police' her behaviour. It verges on borderline stalking at times, other times she's sad, and other times she gets really angry.

I thought about speaking to the married man. I don't know him personally but I could easily contact him. Would this be the best thing to do? He might have an idea about what to do?

OP posts:

Notnowkate · 28/07/2021 11:05

"I've noticed that she's recently changed her body shape and coloured her hair, and that she resembles his wife more acutely now. I haven't broached this with her."

Let's hope he doesn't have a pet rabbit at home.....

Original poster

picklemums · 28/07/2021 11:09

From a few replies it is clear I need to talk to DH. I think I always knew that deep down but am scared it will change the group dynamic.
At least I will have someone to talk to about it when she starts. She went into a rage when she accidentally saw ex AP and his wife out walking, I thought she was going to crash the car.
I know I need to back off I am just very worried about her. Thank you all.

OP posts:

Boombadoom · 28/07/2021 11:11

I was in a similar situation recently. The affair didn’t last as long but she bordered on stalking, emotional manipulation towards him (would threaten to kill herself if he ended it etc). She ended her marriage and our relationship became toxic.

I recently ended the friendship when I realised she had changed beyond repair and was no longer the person she was before all of this and that person was never coming back.

I feel a lot lighter and don’t regret my decision.

I’m not saying it’s what you should do, but I understand the burden and it’s something you could consider. That, or strongly backing off. Do not get further involved.

Notonthestairs · 28/07/2021 11:11

Talk to your husband and withdraw from her.

She's an adult and needs to take responsibility whether that's getting help with the PND or anything else. You can still care for her but not get as involved.

To be honest I think it will all roll on until she hits rock bottom - be that a breakdown or the whole sorry mess coming out.

Jasmine11 · 28/07/2021 11:14

@picklemums

From a few replies it is clear I need to talk to DH. I think I always knew that deep down but am scared it will change the group dynamic. At least I will have someone to talk to about it when she starts. She went into a rage when she accidentally saw ex AP and his wife out walking, I thought she was going to crash the car. I know I need to back off I am just very worried about her. Thank you all.

I think you need to discuss this with your husband and then withdraw from being you friend's confidant as it's clearly affecting your own mental health.

Dontbeme · 28/07/2021 11:45

From a few replies it is clear I need to talk to DH. I think I always knew that deep down but am scared it will change the group dynamic

You should be scared it will end your marriage, because if I was your DH I would be wondering what else you lied about and covered up, I would be viewing you very differently. In my long life I have seen the impact of affairs being revealed and in 99% of cases those that cheated were a-okay with colluding and hiding other people's affairs and lies. But sure be worried about the "group dynamic" you need to cut this friend loose because her bullshit is going to splatter on you eventually.

theodoracarp · 28/07/2021 11:50

Why do you want to talk to that man? Impose your decision and ask to stay with your friend? What for? He is an adult, he has made a decision. Respect him. The best thing to do is to support your friend, to offer the help of a psychologist if you can't handle it on your own.

markmichelle · 28/07/2021 11:53

I was in similar situation with a woman friend who had the most fantastic affair with a married man. It was like she was a teenager.
Then he got very ill, rapidly.
Obviously no one gave her updates on his health or treatment.
She told me all about it, we worked together and had become matey but not involved.
It dragged on for a year having the same conversation, the what if this, Could I that......

I found that I had to disconnect from her, told her to talk to a woman for more understanding. It dragged me down and I did not know the man or his family.
Disconnect and do not become involved. If you do you will NOT be thanked.

ckverity9 · 28/07/2021 11:55

My advice - never meddle in other people's relationships, it will not end well. And you will remain guilty

faithfulbird20 · 28/07/2021 11:56

10 years???? Do people not have morals anymore? I'd cut her off!

DelphiniumBlue · 28/07/2021 12:01

Don't lie to your own DH, you should feel able to discuss anything with him . It is not up to your friend to tell you who you can talk to or not.
You can tell her that you have told DH about it, if you want to.
Don't cover up for her anymore. You can tell her that you won't be doing this, or you can just decide not to do it.
And then tell her you don't want to hear any more about it. If she starts talking about it, leave the room or end the conversation. You may need to spell out that you don't feel comfortable hearing her talk about betraying her DH, or you can just say " stop right there- I can't listen to this any more. If you need someone to talk to about it , you'll have to find someone else."
I have had actually had to have this conversation, it was hard but the alternative was to condone the affair, which I didn't want to do.
Your choice.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 28/07/2021 12:03

I've got a friend who has been having an affair with a married man for over 12 years. She is single. I've met him a few times but don't know his wife at all, so I'm able to compartmentalise it somewhat.

If she was in a supposedly exclusive relationship/marriage but having an affair I don't think I could continue the friendship as I would know her partner/ husband and couldn't be party to that sort of deception.

Thistletime · 28/07/2021 12:23

Thinking of contacting the ex AP seems like grasping at straws.

What is the underlying reason why she would engage in an on/off affair despite now being married with DC? Uncover that and you might be able to help her.

Branleuse · 28/07/2021 12:29

I think you are carrying a much bigger burden than her affair. You feel responsible for keeping the social circle together and not hurting her husband. Youre not her parent. I think if the social circle blows up then thats sad, but it wont be your doing. I would tell your friend that youve been feeling under enormous stress being her confidante and you feel that its affecting your quality of life and you do not want to hear any more about it and shes on her own with it. Youve kept her sordid secrets for too long and she doesnt give a shit about how you feel about it. 10 years fgs. You need to emotionally distance yourself as you are not helping. You are just taking on her problems as if they are your own, and they are not.

Millymog · 28/07/2021 12:40

"It can't come out, there would be devastation to her family. I think DH would be understanding of my role in it but I am stressed."

I cannot get my head around the above comment OP.
Of course it needs to "come out". It has been going on for 10 years - it is not like a one off/short thing where (some people but not all mind you) some people might think it can be kept secret for an eternity and no harm done.

You are not protecting her family/husband by continuing to collude with her. I do not know her husband but it seems a fair thing to say that any spouse who is decieved like this for such a long time would not be grateful to know that other people knew all along and said nothing - not just said nothing but in some ways enabled it (however well meaning)

Millymog · 28/07/2021 12:42

Apologies - reading the OP quote back I had assumed that "DH would be understanding" etc was a reference to your friend's husband not your husband - i might have mis understood that tho.

user1471457751 · 28/07/2021 12:43

You should have told her partner before he married her/had children with her. The devastation when he finds out is going to be so much greater now. And you're kidding yourself if you think this won't come back to bite you. You've been covering for her and lying to others for years, why would anyone in this social circle ever trust you again.

Branleuse · 28/07/2021 12:43

you dont have to tell anyone. You just have to stop colluding. You are enabling it. You can stop doing this. It doesnt help her or you or anyone.

This. is. not. your. problem. it's. hers.

Original poster

picklemums · 28/07/2021 12:49

@Millymog

Apologies - reading the OP quote back I had assumed that "DH would be understanding" etc was a reference to your friend's husband not your husband - i might have mis understood that tho.

I wasn't that clear. I did mean that I don't think my husband would be angry at me for keeping this information secret. I think he would be understanding of me wanting to support my friend, but he wouldn't be supporting of her having an affair. I also didn't make clear that this was an on/off affair so when she met her current husband, her and her AP were not 'together'. They only rekindled after her marriage and during a period in which I think the AP was ill. I'm not making excuses for her but it did seem like she'd finally moved on when she got married and I think she thought that too.

OP posts:

Jobseeker19 · 28/07/2021 12:52

When this comes out. If people find out you knew for ten years and sat and socialised with her and her husband, they are going to think you are a snake.

Millymog · 28/07/2021 12:54

OP I have seen your update. I think the fuel which fires this affair is the forbidden so if it ever did come out that would put the fire out pretty quickly (the AP sounds like he has checked out now anyway).
It also sounds like the balance of power is with the AP not your friend which makes the toxic element all the worse - for example AP wanted your friend back "when he was ill" but now he is not ill any more he does not want your friend.
Another PP asked whether your friend's child/children are indeed biological children of your friend's husband. I think this is important information to know.

Either way the AP sounds like a real shit. He did not want your friend when she was single and if (as seems likely) it all comes out badly you can bet he won't want her then either (irrespective of the parentage of your friend's children). What a mess.
People who have affairs never understand/get the devastation they reek in other people's lives because of it (whether the affair is "known"or "secret)

Original poster

picklemums · 28/07/2021 12:54

@Branleuse

you dont have to tell anyone. You just have to stop colluding. You are enabling it. You can stop doing this. It doesnt help her or you or anyone. This. is. not. your. problem. it's. hers.

I do get what you're saying and I agree with it. Except that when a friend is suffering some sort of episode it's difficult to know what to do other than to try to help her manage her behaviour. I'm not trying to enable it, I'm trying to do the opposite as in stop her when she wants to message, suggest that we don't take a walking route on which she might encounter him etc. I take on board that it shouldn't be my responsibility though.

OP posts:

Maggiesfarm · 28/07/2021 12:56

I don't think there is anything you can do, picklemums. Your friend and her married affair person have to work it out for themselves.

What you could do is tell your friend how upsetting you find it all and you would rather she didn't confide in you about it any more. Maybe see less of her for a while without cutting her off completely.

If you need to unburden, the Samaritans are helpful. It is good to get things off your chest sometimes and better to offload to someone completely neutral.

Mantlemoose · 28/07/2021 13:01

I can honestly say as soon a friend started an affair I would have (and have done) cut them off. I won't be any part of this and they already changed the group dynamics by being a scumbag dirty cheat. It really is as simple as that.

Given you haven't you either step back now or tell her husband (and tell her you're telling him). Telling your DH is going to cause a whole lot of other issues as you have been complicit in enabling this to carry on. That's totally crap but that's the way dirty secrets come out. The innocent person is the one who ends up with the whole mess in their hands.

Wolfiefan · 28/07/2021 13:01

You can’t cut her off?
Of course you can. You can do whatever you want.
Refuse to get involved. Don’t talk about him. Don’t engage at all. If she refuses to leave you out of her drama then I would cut her off. She’s not your responsibility.

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