Friend's affair affecting my life

[picklemums]

I am looking for advice please because I can't turn to anyone in real life and am feeling increasing stress about my friend.
She has been having an on/off affair with a married man for 10 years.

Last year it seems that the man wanted to finish it. Since then my friend has changed. I don't think she can accept it's over. I would go so far as to say she might be unstable at times.
The problem is that we are both part of a small but close circle of friends/family and I literally can't talk to anyone. Not even my own DH.
My friend also got married and had DC a couple of years ago and her DH is so lovely. I could never tell him, it would destroy him.
I think everyone thinks she's got ongoing PND.

I need to unburden, I can't cut her off, and I feel I'm the only one to 'police' her behaviour. It verges on borderline stalking at times, other times she's sad, and other times she gets really angry.

I thought about speaking to the married man. I don't know him personally but I could easily contact him. Would this be the best thing to do? He might have an idea about what to do?

i know i sound a bit thick here but what is an "episode"?

I understand that she might feel emotionally unstable if such a long term (if covert) relationship is /has ended but the word "episode" feels like a panacea for the whole triangle of relationships here.
Earlier in the thread you said your friend almost crashed the car when she saw AP and his wife out walking. Calling things like that an "episode" feels like it is minimising what is going on - I hope her children were not the car when that happened.

Like PP said "This is who she is"

It sounds like you're in a codependent friendship - you say you became the enabler because you were young and immature. The title and first post of this thread say that her affair is affecting your life negatively. That you're stressed. Clearly your integrity has disappeared where she's concerned, as you keep making excuses for her behaviour and for continuing the situation "oh it was on and off affair, she was single when it began, it'd be a shame to break up the group friendship..." These things can all be true but they don't mean anything. You can't control anyone's behaviour but your own. If you're behaving without integrity then you'll reap the consequences.
Read about codependent friendships.
Be honest about your friendship.
Tell your husband why you're stressed.
Talk to him about how you're going to disengage from the friendship.
Tell others whatever you want about why you and she aren't so close any more.

So she got married while having the Affair? She seems to have an unhealthy fixation on the AP .Is he older than her or wealthier .Maybe she has seen him as an escape route.Are the DC definitely her husbands do you think? Sometimes people seem to find a AP who offers some "escape" from normal life for whatever reason .Surely after 10 years she would not imagine he would leave his wife? Maybe she felt happy with her "secret" and never imagined he would leave his wife ,but she was "there" for him .I think I would disengage from her .You run the risk of being sucked into an explosive situation here.You sound kind and caring to me .Your friend I think would benefit greatly from therapy .It isnt fair on her DH or DC either .Is her DH as lovely as you think though .May she have returned to the Lover as wasnt happy with DH behaviour maybe

What a burden she left you holding. However you choose to participate. It’s none of your business and I’d tell her that while it’s flattering that she thinks of you as a confidant, dumping that on you has caused you emotional upset. You are going to file it in mental trash and you’re happy to be her friend, she can never mention her affair again or you will need to extricate yourself from any contact with her.

Why do you think she has pnd? Are you a doctor? Or is it her grieving her affair?

But most of all, why have you made her mess your problem? It’s causing you distress. Talk to your DH and tell him.

@dottiedodah

Insightful but OP is already in the vortex. When it’s exposed, and it will be at some point, and it comes to light that @picklemums knew and did nothing, who will be hung (emotionally)? OP

@Branleuse

I think you are carrying a much bigger burden than her affair. You feel responsible for keeping the social circle together and not hurting her husband. Youre not her parent. I think if the social circle blows up then thats sad, but it wont be your doing. I would tell your friend that youve been feeling under enormous stress being her confidante and you feel that its affecting your quality of life and you do not want to hear any more about it and shes on her own with it. Youve kept her sordid secrets for too long and she doesnt give a shit about how you feel about it. 10 years fgs. You need to emotionally distance yourself as you are not helping. You are just taking on her problems as if they are your own, and they are not.

Yep I agree with this!

Have a word with her then distance yourself from it all. It’s her life, it’s not your responsibility to fix it for her

I need to unburden, I can't cut her off, and I feel I'm the only one to 'police' her behaviour.

I think DH would be understanding of my role in it but I am stressed.

^She went into a rage when she accidentally saw ex AP and his wife out walking, I thought she was going to crash the car.
I know I need to back off I am just very worried about her. ^

I did mean that I don't think my husband would be angry at me for keeping this information secret. I think he would be understanding of me wanting to support my friend, but he wouldn't be supporting of her having an affair.

Except that when a friend is suffering some sort of episode it's difficult to know what to do other than to try to help her manage her behaviour. I'm not trying to enable it, I'm trying to do the opposite

all I know is that she and AP were certainly communicating at the time she must have conceived but I don't think they would have been having sex

I think her friendship with this man had gone on for so long she had normalised it. I think she's now devastated and it would devastate her further if I also disappeared from her life.

picklemums you are in way too deep. Way, way too deep. She's drawn you in and for any sort of health now, you have to back off.

This has the hallmarks of a coming implosion for -all- of you. At this moment you're much much too involved.

Stepping away means that a lot of dynamics will change but honestly? they're going to change anyway. All you can do is be honest with your husband, withdraw from your obsessed and rather unstable friend and stop taking on responsibility that really is not yours.

Oh my goodness, I can hardly believe this is true! She had an affair for TEN years, on and off, during which time she married and had a child.....and during this entire time you've been covering for her and listening to her bang on about the cheating arsehole she's obsessed with? Honestly?

If it's true - and I'd like to say this very kindly but have no idea how to - what the hell is wrong with you OP? You've spent a DECADE of your life dealing with her drama and stress for what - to feel important? To feel like you've got a secret with her? To feel like you're a super friend?

This is going to all come out at some point and I guarantee people will blame you and hate you for lying to them. Because covering up for her and lying by omission will probably make you deceitful and untrustworthy, as far as the people in your small, close friendship group are concerned.

Drop her like hot rock, talk to your husband and keep your fingers crossed the truth doesn't damage your own marriage.

[quote GothamGirl1970]@dottiedodah

Insightful but OP is already in the vortex. When it’s exposed, and it will be at some point, and it comes to light that @picklemums knew and did nothing, who will be hung (emotionally)? OP[/quote]
Yes, exactly this.

OP, you do realise that when the shit eventually hits the fan, a large portion of it will land on you. You are being used.

I was in a similar situation for about 10 years. I knew the guy my friend was having an affair with. He lived with his long term partner. In the end I dumped the friend. Is it possible for you to be less available to this woman?

Oh another one: Never take a baby who's eaten a pouch of prune purée out in a sling.

Sorry wrong thread! 😂

Good advice for life though. 🤣🤣

F

Ha ha, @PolkadotSkies - it kind of fits the thread though, in that the friend shouldn't shit on her own door step kind of way.

@Saidtoomuch

Ha ha, *@PolkadotSkies* - it kind of fits the thread though, in that the friend shouldn't shit on her own door step kind of way.

Indeed. That's why I didn't ask for it to be removed. Babies have much wisdom to share with us all. In their own - sometimes rather disgusting - way.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here OP with people suggesting all your mutual friends will blame you for covering it up. In my experience people rarely stand up and morally police their friends.
Exh had an affair and of all our friends, 1 challenged him, 2 quietly discontinued contact and the rest pretended it had never happened.
But at this point it does seem like your friend is really burdening you and being very selfish in the process. You need to stand up for yourself if no one else and tell her you can't/won't be her confidante anymore.

@polkadotskies you win the thread

OP I’m in the minority here but I think you’re a loyal friend and if you do want to continue the friendship she is going to be fragile in this phase for her, after the ending. Don’t police her — that’s not your responsibility. Maybe try to help her to see that although she’s feeling devastated this is a man who never committed to her and it’s for the best.
She clearly had a high degree of dependency on this man. Therapy for her is a good idea. Preferably psychodynamic as it will address the connections to early life relationships which may be unconsciously driving this. My opinion, anyway.

Or if you’re finding her too much, take a step back. Her borderline stalking etc is as others have said is not your responsibility.

A great book that actually is humorous too, though powerful, in a sane way, is ‘It’s Called a Break Up Because it’s Broken’

[quote Spritesobright]@polkadotskies you win the thread [/quote]
Why thank you!

Tbh it feels like your friend can’t be without drama in her life. She’s got husband and a child and now she’s bored and instead of focusing on real issues she’s imagining great love story with intense feelings. Her AP is not pursuing her so she’s decided to pursue him herself: by changing her hairstyle, trying to catch him on her walks and so on. And you are a bit bored as well and instead of watching TV you are taking part in her show policing her behavior.
Sorry OP, I mean it in a nicest possible way.
You’ve got great advice on this thread: tell your DH about this, stop talking about this with your friend and distance a bit from her.

@Coriandersucks

You need to take a step back. You can’t save her and she is not your responsibility. She is the cause of her undoing and all you can do is be there for her/her family when it all comes out.

Agree -Take a step back.

It's not your job to solve her problems.

You can recommend therapy/ GP appointment etc. You can be sympathetic. Beyond that I'd honestly put it out my mind.

Thinking about it, It's a really unfair position she has put you in here. I know you think of her as a good friend, but would a really good friend leave you holding the burden of (a) the secret that she has been having an affair for ten years and (b) her unstable / stalkerish behaviour?

Of course not!

I'm finding it difficult to understand how you (presumably?) went to her wedding, saw her taking her vows, saw her fiance become her husband, and all the while you knew this was going on behind his back as they smiled together. However you have grown with her - I think her engagement would have been a moment to say that she couldn't continue and expect your friendship to continue or your complicity with her lies.
You seem to have gone along with it, and now there are children and other lives, and you've kept her secrets.
So if you want this to stop, you tell her that you can't keep her secrets any longer and not to share then with you. And if you want to help her - tell her she needs counselling (she does!).

I agree with seadad. I also can't understand why you need to unburden now, after all this time? You didn't need to unburden before...?

I would tell my friend that I don't want to hear another peep about it anymore. It's not for you to tell her husband - that time has long gone - and, I wouldn't be telling mine either. This is your friend's mess, let her sort it out. There's no need to drag other people into it though either.