My do I do now my wife has cheated on me

[p12241342]

Hello

Im sorry if this forum is for mums, but I would appreciate some advice.

Just a little over 2 months ago I found out that my wife of 20 years has been cheating and having an affair with someone close to our family unit. This affair was still alive and kicking on discovery day.

Since then she has text the AP and told him that things went to far and they should cut contact. He replied "it didn't go to far as we both wanted it, but I respect your decision." She has since blocked his number and says they have had no further contact. I only have her word for this.

She explained to me that she has been unhappy for a while because I didn't give her any time and she was un happy. She knows thats no excuse but he made her feel happy they had fun and she also told him she loved him. She says she slept with him once in the early weeks but didn't after that. I don't know what I can believe any more.

She says she wants to make things work with me and wants our family. She says all the right things like it was a mistake, she wishes she could turn back time, she wishes it hadn't happened, she loves me etc.

We go over the same questions many times per day and she is willing to give me time and understanding, but recently her attitude seems to be changing. Even though she says that she thinks I'm going cold she thinks she hasn't changed. We also seem to be bickering a lot more over the past 10 days or so.

She has assured me she loves me and is not going anywhere. She wants us and our family and will and can make this work.

Sometimes I believe, but somethings are just words to me. I want to believe so much as I didn't ask for any of this.

Somethings are just un believable. She says that she no longer has feelings for him. I don't believe this. How can she love him one week and then a few weeks later so she doesn't love him?

She says she doesn't think about him or miss what they had together. But if everything was as good as she has told me how could she not miss him? How could she not think about him?

I think she is trying to spare my feelings. I really believe she still thinks about him, what they had, I think she misses him and if I'm honest I think she does believe she loves him.

Im trying so hard to get past all the hurt and the deceit, but this guy is the dad of our sons friend. So every time I go into our local town there is always a chance of seeing him and my wife seeing him too. I have seen him many times when she says she hasn't.

Im living a nightmare and don't know how to move on when I see him and believe my wife still has feelings for him.

She tells me daily and promises that she has no feelings for him and she doesn't miss him. But how is that possible? Is it possible?

Should I be forgetting it and taking my wife at her word that she doesn't have feelings and doesn't miss him as she looks in my eyes and promises daily.

Or is it the case of that she has to still have these feelings and she is just trying to protect me or herself? But if that is the case, her feelings will come out in the end as she can't try and suppress them for ever.

One thing she does say is that she could leave at any point but she doesn't want to. We have had some big arguments where she could have just walked out but she hasn't and wants to make it work so she says.

I dont know what to do or believe

Any advice would be great

Thanks in advance

What do you want to happen?
What are your feelings?
Your entire OP is all about her and what she wants.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You are going to be hurt for sometime. You are in shock. You are grieving the mutually exclusive bond you had. That has now been broken. An intruder has done that. It’s a feeling of violation. It seems at the minute, your wife is trying to make amends but of course what happened can’t be undone. You will need her to answer all questions truthfully and with patience and no excuses as to why she did it. If she was unhappy she should have told you all of this when she felt any temptation to stray. It’s no good afterwards when the damage is done. I’ve been through this OP so I know what you are going through. Do you think you can forgive her? I tried but the resentment ate away at me and it destroyed us in the end. It was the lies and deceit that I couldn’t get passed. The trust was gone so we divorced. What ever happens, your relationship will never be the same. Do you think you can rebuild something from the ashes? Huge hug from me OP.

I'd say it's possible that she had feelings for him that have now gone. It's a bit quick, certainly, but having your dalliance revealed as a seedy affair certainly might bring you down to earth pretty fast.

But basically, even if she did still love him passionately, she is with you still. Unless she's up to no good behind your back, she's made a decision in your favour. If she is up to no good behind your back, she's still with you so you must have something going for you that the AP can't provide.

The ball is in your court. Do you still like her? Do you want to be with her? Why?

It will take time to work out your own feelings.
Counselling may help you unpick them then after that maybe go as a couple.

I’d take anything she says with a pinch of salt.

Hi. Really sorry you're going through this.
Its crap when you're second guessing everything she says because she's shattered your trust.
I can't answer as to whether she loves this guy, or is still thinking about him. It would be very odd if she isn't thinking about him, because his name must be being mentioned alot in the conversations/arguments you are having.
Of course you want answers from her. But if you're not believing what she's telling you then asking the question again seems pointless.
You are not obliged to forgive her.
In your shoes I would be ending it. But I cannot stand liars or cheats.
Do you think couples counselling would help?
How old are your children?

I'm really sorry your going through this.We hear all the time from women who's DH/DP's have cheated but we forget sometimes that men go through this too.

You need to decide what you want.Not all marriages break down post affair;some couples want to stay together.

Tbh it sounds as though you and your wife could really do with couples counselling;this will either help you to move on as a couple or help to make you decide to move on alone.

Good luck.

I agree with sloutside. You’ve mentioned a lot about what she said and what she wants, and just a bit about your feelings (that you’re hurt and it’s difficult).

You are not required to stay when your partner has an affair. It doesn’t matter how, or why, or who. You can just say no. Likewise, it’s your choice to stay and decide if you want to try to work it out. But it sounds like you’re having the worst of both right now. You’re trying to stay because you feel maybe it’s the “right” thing (making an effort) but your feelings are still very hurt, upset, and leaving you unable to move on. I think if you’re going to stay together snd ever going to trust your partner again, you’re going to have to do counselling, because it sounds like you’re just struggling too much to believe her or trust her. (Understandably).

BUT. You don’t have to! You just need to realise that, too. You do not have trust a partner who has cheated on you again. This is also why many couples have a trial separation, to determine if they can ever rebuild the trust.

So maybe counselling or a trial separation? And I’m so sorry this is happening.

This will.seem black & white but honestly, I think people should just get rid of cheaters.

The alternative is just masochism and there's no justice.

There are a million single women who've left or been left by men who are also cheaters, or selfish, or porn addicts, or shit or some way; who would absolutely kill to meet a decent guy who doesn't cheat abd who's ended his marriage because he was cheater on instead of the other way around. You won't be lonely.

Look up limerence. People in affairs often believe they are in love when in fact those feelings are immediately switched off when the enormity of the situation is revealed to the spouse.

It sounds like she loved how he made her feel, rather than loved him. Affairs are a fantasy and she has probably realised that being with him is not what she wants. Seeing you so upset would have solidified to her that you do love her and you care, previously she may have believed that not to be true.

I hope you work it out; at least you are trying. But if it doesn't work out then you can hopefully part ways knowing you both tried to repair the damage.

For quite some time going forwards you won't know what to believe. This is because she shattered your reality. When you do eventually decide what to believe, it will be a decision based on what you want the truth to be, as opposed to making a decision based on knowing the true facts (which you will never know).
Good luck to you.

Also you are only 2 months post D Day. It can take 2 years to recover from infidelity - you are going to feel very raw and hurt for some time to come.

Don't let her rush the recovery as that will spell disaster.

I would leave and enjoy being single while she works on friendship with you and to earn back your trust (if you feel like giving her a second chance that is!). I think you deserve better, time to preserve your dignity by distancing yourself a little. Absolutely despicable behavior from her, driven by ego and greed, while there is a shortage of good loyal respectable men around.

* she also told him she loved him. She says she slept with him once in the early weeks but didn't after that.*

^Slept with him once? You are a fool if you believe that.

I couldn’t forgive her. The fact she has had an affair with someone close to you both is also a big betrayal. Divorce is the way forward for you- you won’t ever trust her again.

What tends to get people off during affairs is the secrecy; they love sneaking around and having secret trysts, it gives them a thrill. It doesn't surprise me that now the rock has been lifted and your wife's shabby behaviour has been exposed, that she no longer loves the other man.

There's a forum called Surviving Infidelity that you might find helpful. I would also suggest counselling so you have a safe space where you can air your feelings. You need to stop interrogating your wife about it though as that's bordering on abusive behaviour. I'm sure she's answered all your questions by now and it's time to stop that.

Get some support and take it from there.

Sorry to be blunt, OP, but she obviously prefers you to him/loves you more than him.
I think you're probably facing a couple of years of recovery, at least, like another poster said. After 20 years together this is a massive shock for you

Hi Everyone

Thanks for your kind words of support and advice.

Just answering some of the questions above.

My children are 11 and 18

With regards to what I feel and what I want.

I didn't see any of this coming and she is my world even now. I love her and this hasn't stopped me loving her. However I feel like I'm loving her with everything I have but is she loving me back in the same way. I can't get out my head that she must still have feelings for this guy. How can you love one minute and not the next.

I want to make things work. I feel that sleeping with him is one thing no matter how many times, but the fact that she told him she loved him is something else. I often think if I hadn't managed to get her to confess that night, where they would be right now. I know they would still be carry on behind my back.

I asked her did she plan on leaving me and she said no she couldn't see us being apart. Thats something we always use to say. I so want to believe that at least.

I go out every day in the car expecting to pass him on the road or when she takes our son to see his son I expect her to see him. She says she has had no contact what so ever. But can I believe that. If everything was so great, how can she cut things off over night not think about him and have no further contact.

It just doesn't make sense

Or maybe I know the truth and I just don't want to see it ....

I would go for counselling.
You need to look honestly at your marriage and the role you have both played.
How just is her "you didn't give me time" claim and what more does it represent about how you treated her and made her feel?
Equally her betrayal needs fuller acknowledgement from her.
Counselling will be hard but should help you unlock whether you want to stay together and if not help you to both face that and separate well.

I think you should probably contact relate for some counselling alone, without your wife. I dont think you need peoples opinions as much as you might need to process your own feelings on this and what is right for you.

2 months on is not a long time to be over it. You might never feel over it, but you do not have to make any decision now. Also remember that if you do decide to try and work it out, it doesnt mean you cant leave later. You could give it 6 months to a year to decide whether you can get the trust back (for example)

If it was me and I wanted to try to move forward I would need to move away. I couldn't live knowing the other person was around and I could bump into them any time. I would also be putting huge amounts of time and effort into the relationship, she needs to do the same in spades - and I would seriously consider counselling. She needs to understand what this has done to you, the impact her actions have and she needs to accept that you are going to be questioning everything - and be prepared to answer completely honestly. If she is not completely honest and open then it's never going to work as you will always be doubting and wondering. She needs to really step up with the reassurance, with putting your relationship first and with putting effort into the relationship. It can take two or three years to get over but it will get easier if you both commit to putting the work in. You can't save this on your own though and she HAS to be honest. xxx

As someone who has had extra marital affairs I think what she means by she doesn't love him anymore is: I thought I loved him when it was secret and exciting and not really real, but now it's all in the open and I can see how I've hurt you and what I'm going to lose I no longer feel the same way.

If you both want to work on your marriage then you need to stop going on about her mistakes and work on 'your marriage'.

You say you go over the same questions many times a day, this is driving her away and it's no wonder she's bickering with you.

You need to stop questioning her about the affair and start giving her a reason to stay, it sounds like she's working hard to rectify her mistake but you are continuing to punish her for it.

@dontblamemee

As someone who has had extra marital affairs I think what she means by she doesn't love him anymore is: I thought I loved him when it was secret and exciting and not really real, but now it's all in the open and I can see how I've hurt you and what I'm going to lose I no longer feel the same way.

If you both want to work on your marriage then you need to stop going on about her mistakes and work on 'your marriage'.

You say you go over the same questions many times a day, this is driving her away and it's no wonder she's bickering with you.

You need to stop questioning her about the affair and start giving her a reason to stay, it sounds like she's working hard to rectify her mistake but you are continuing to punish her for it.

That sounds like you think he should take what she says at face value, despite the history of deceit, and do the pick me dance.

Stop questioning about the affair and give her more reason to stay?
Sod that

I see what your saying about the questions.

I dont want to push her away but she has done wrong. I understand I played a part in the whole thing but not making her happy. But that is no excuse to cheat. She should have spoken to me about it.

I feel that once I believe the questions im asking I can move on to the next stage what ever that may be. I know I wont be able to stop asking the questions as they are something I feel I need at the moment. I know someone said its abuse, but why? Im hurting.

I understand people make mistakes, but I see a mistake as being a one off. This was a choice this happened daily. She didn't think about my feelings when doing it and she didn't think about my feelings after.

She also didn't think about our children.

To me she was selfish and didn't think about anyone but herself.

She loves you because of the financial implications of leaving you.
Grab your dignity!
Any woman would be told to get your ducks in a row and even IF you believe her and wish the relationship to continue I’d do this.
Certainly see a solicitor and show you have a spine.
You’ll quickly discover what she loves about you.

Loyalty and devotion in relationships only really works when it's two way, not when one person is devoted and loyal, and the other is .... cheating on them.

Honestly, you can do better.

But I have seen articles on line and people say that it is possible to make something out of a bad relationship after infidelity.

It even goes as far as saying people that get through it say they now have a better relationship than before.

Do you think this is Bull??