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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My do I do now my wife has cheated on me

96 replies

p12241342 · 27/07/2021 13:00

Hello

Im sorry if this forum is for mums, but I would appreciate some advice.

Just a little over 2 months ago I found out that my wife of 20 years has been cheating and having an affair with someone close to our family unit. This affair was still alive and kicking on discovery day.

Since then she has text the AP and told him that things went to far and they should cut contact. He replied "it didn't go to far as we both wanted it, but I respect your decision." She has since blocked his number and says they have had no further contact. I only have her word for this.

She explained to me that she has been unhappy for a while because I didn't give her any time and she was un happy. She knows thats no excuse but he made her feel happy they had fun and she also told him she loved him. She says she slept with him once in the early weeks but didn't after that. I don't know what I can believe any more.

She says she wants to make things work with me and wants our family. She says all the right things like it was a mistake, she wishes she could turn back time, she wishes it hadn't happened, she loves me etc.

We go over the same questions many times per day and she is willing to give me time and understanding, but recently her attitude seems to be changing. Even though she says that she thinks I'm going cold she thinks she hasn't changed. We also seem to be bickering a lot more over the past 10 days or so.

She has assured me she loves me and is not going anywhere. She wants us and our family and will and can make this work.

Sometimes I believe, but somethings are just words to me. I want to believe so much as I didn't ask for any of this.

Somethings are just un believable. She says that she no longer has feelings for him. I don't believe this. How can she love him one week and then a few weeks later so she doesn't love him?

She says she doesn't think about him or miss what they had together. But if everything was as good as she has told me how could she not miss him? How could she not think about him?

I think she is trying to spare my feelings. I really believe she still thinks about him, what they had, I think she misses him and if I'm honest I think she does believe she loves him.

Im trying so hard to get past all the hurt and the deceit, but this guy is the dad of our sons friend. So every time I go into our local town there is always a chance of seeing him and my wife seeing him too. I have seen him many times when she says she hasn't.

Im living a nightmare and don't know how to move on when I see him and believe my wife still has feelings for him.

She tells me daily and promises that she has no feelings for him and she doesn't miss him. But how is that possible? Is it possible?

Should I be forgetting it and taking my wife at her word that she doesn't have feelings and doesn't miss him as she looks in my eyes and promises daily.

Or is it the case of that she has to still have these feelings and she is just trying to protect me or herself? But if that is the case, her feelings will come out in the end as she can't try and suppress them for ever.

One thing she does say is that she could leave at any point but she doesn't want to. We have had some big arguments where she could have just walked out but she hasn't and wants to make it work so she says.

I dont know what to do or believe

Any advice would be great

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
ravenmum · 27/07/2021 16:00

You don't have to make things easy for her by not asking questions. She's the one who put you both in this position. If she's scared away, well that's the consequence.
But you know that you can't read her mind, OP? However many questions you ask, you wil never be sure what went on.
We never know what's going on in our partner's head. We always have to live with some uncertainty.

theleafandnotthetree · 27/07/2021 16:06

I had an affair and for me it was just the trigger event for the ending of the marriage which was my decision. My exhusband wanted to stay together. On discovery, I didn't wake up and realise I had made a huge mistake or stopping loving my affair partner, I loved and still love him deeply though we are not together. And I didn't suddenly realise how much I loved my husband or think about what I could have lost. I choose to leave and people certainly do without necessarily having been kicked out. It could be that as your wife is still there and at least saying the right things that she had the opposite 'reaction' to discovery than I and truly has forgotten him and realises it is you she loves. Or, and I don't say this to hurt your feelings, she may have looked at the whole package - family life, the children, finances, your home, fear of judgement from others, etc etc - and have decided to stay for those reasons as well as probably genuinely loving you in her way (if not necessarily being in love with you, she probably couldn't/wouldn't have had an affair if that were the case). Leaving a marriage or staying in it is about so much more than feelings towards the spouse. I could have easily stayed with my ex-husband, and perhaps most would have but for me I couldn't pretend to feelings I didn't have and live a lie after having perpetrated such a large one in having an affair. Your situation and your dynamic is unique to you and your wife and complicated and sweeping generalisations are unhelpful. You, like she, will have to make the least worst decisions but there are no simple solutions

Perpetuallybaffled · 27/07/2021 16:08

@p12241342

But I have seen articles on line and people say that it is possible to make something out of a bad relationship after infidelity.

It even goes as far as saying people that get through it say they now have a better relationship than before.

Do you think this is Bull??

Not necessarily Bull but I think what they mean is that they have a different relationship which can work for both parties. I always wonder if the new relationship is more practical as opposed to romantic. What I think is sad is that the original relationship is forever sullied.
theleafandnotthetree · 27/07/2021 16:09

@p12241342

But I have seen articles on line and people say that it is possible to make something out of a bad relationship after infidelity.

It even goes as far as saying people that get through it say they now have a better relationship than before.

Do you think this is Bull??

Let's just say I am very sceptical about that, it certainly wouldn't have worked in my case. But again, you will have to figure that out for yourselves
Eviebeans · 27/07/2021 16:11

Sadly I think that people sometimes stay out of fear of what leaving will be like

Eviebeans · 27/07/2021 16:13

I couldn't ever trust the person again. I think I'd always be wondering where they were and what they were doing...

Original poster
p12241342 · 27/07/2021 16:16

I think I could get past this if we didn't live in the same town and we could cut all ties with him.

When she tells me the answers to my questions she really is pretty convincing. I want to believe, but I just can't. She promises me she would never ever hurt me in this way again and understands what she has done to not just us but out family.

She has sworn on my life and her life and her mum and dads life which is silly really but ha ho, that she doesn't love him, or have any feelings for him or even miss him, but I still don't believe.

I have even tried to see if her pupils dilate when she is looking straight in to my eyes telling me the answers but instead of looking at her eyes at times I just think she is looking right at my eyes and lying to my face.

its something I don't want to think but I just don't trust or believe especially when it comes to her and him.

OP posts:
Morningsaregreat · 27/07/2021 16:17

She loves him, she doesn't love him, she will do whatever it takes, she bickers with you, she could never see you living apart, she says she could leave at any point.

These are your words and hopefully you can see the huge contradictions. I would struggle to believe a word she says

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 27/07/2021 16:18

I'd end the relationship. You can't trust someone who's cheated on you and without trust a relationship is doomed.

Rosewaitcarpark · 27/07/2021 16:19

@p12241342

I think I could get past this if we didn't live in the same town and we could cut all ties with him.

When she tells me the answers to my questions she really is pretty convincing. I want to believe, but I just can't. She promises me she would never ever hurt me in this way again and understands what she has done to not just us but out family.

She has sworn on my life and her life and her mum and dads life which is silly really but ha ho, that she doesn't love him, or have any feelings for him or even miss him, but I still don't believe.

I have even tried to see if her pupils dilate when she is looking straight in to my eyes telling me the answers but instead of looking at her eyes at times I just think she is looking right at my eyes and lying to my face.

its something I don't want to think but I just don't trust or believe especially when it comes to her and him.

Sadly, cheaters have the ability to swear on their loved ones lives whilst lying to their partner's face. It's something incomprehensible to non-cheaters. I guess you have to be a cheater to understand how someone could do this.
Original poster
p12241342 · 27/07/2021 16:19

I dont think she is a weak person. I think if she wanted to go she would go. She doesn't really care what people think and If she wants to do something she would do it.

I just think if I did finish it and leave, I don't think I would love any one like I love her. I understand I would love again and meet some one new but she is special to me and I know I'm not as special to her as if I was she wouldn't have done this to me, but she has a special place in my heart.

OP posts:
pommepommefrites · 27/07/2021 16:19

Take some time for yourself, maybe get yourself on tinder, see what's on the market, the person to make you happy could be just around the corner! I couldn't take her back after this, I don't think she's really sorry, I don't think she really loves you, she's just scared to end it.

Morningsaregreat · 27/07/2021 16:22

Don't look at her eyes to see if she is lying. Her lips moving is enough.

I would also say you love what she was not what she is now and that will never return. She says what you want to hear and when a better prospect comes along.......

Eviebeans · 27/07/2021 16:22

If you did try to make a go of it it would have to be with the understanding that it was a different relationship-because it can never be the same as it was before and that is probably a good thing

Original poster
p12241342 · 27/07/2021 16:27

I thank everyone for their advice and input, I really appreciate it.

But how many people have actually been in the posistion where they have been cheated on and had a choice of stay or leave ?

I thought before it happened to me I would never put up with cheating, but now its happened and now its here its not that black and white.

I understand what everyone is saying as I would have said the same until 8 weeks ago, But I have a lot to loose IE my life as I know it, my family, my wife.

I wasn't ready for this and I didn't see it coming it took me by surprise.

Now im here I don't know if I can just give up.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 27/07/2021 16:28

If you finish it and leave, would you love her like you loved her?

Original poster
p12241342 · 27/07/2021 16:30

@ravenmum

If you finish it and leave, would you love her like you loved her?
That I dont know.

Even now after everything I still love her. I'm stupid I know as I should have left as soon as it happened.

But its not that easy... She may be tell me bull but flip the coin and she might not be..

Im confused and dont know if I can believe a word she says never mind trust her

OP posts:
Lucked · 27/07/2021 16:30

Honestly I think you need to go to marriage counselling so that you can have a place to hush his stuff out in a neutral space.

Original poster
p12241342 · 27/07/2021 16:31

@Lucked

Honestly I think you need to go to marriage counselling so that you can have a place to hush his stuff out in a neutral space.
I have thought about that but couldn't it do more harm than good

But I suppose the damage is already done how can it get any worse

OP posts:
ravenmum · 27/07/2021 16:32

I didn't feel like I had a choice OP. I'm glad we didn't stay together. But several years later, I can see that it could potentially have been possible, if we had tried. I also know one couple who did give it a go and are still together many years later - he was in your position and never gave up on her; she came back and made an effort. I don't know how they really feel, though.

vivainsomnia · 27/07/2021 16:34

You are right. What she given you so far are words. Promises. What you need is actions. Evidence. The problem is these can only be given with time. Time she can't make present.

All you've got now is a choice to trust her and believe that she will provide you with the evidence of her love and devotion over time, or you accept that you can't give her that trust, because it's lost and gone, and you need to accept that the marriage is over.

Waitingforpagetoload · 27/07/2021 16:35

Tip for the OP: try asking her whilst hugging her. You have to ask a question which you think she will tell the truth, then you immediately ask a question which you suspect she might lie to.
This was the only way I could tell he was lying.
The 'true' answer - felt no movement whilst hugging. The lie - felt a very subtle shift in the hug.

Eviebeans · 27/07/2021 16:36

I have been in that position-husband cheated, tried to make it work afterwards but I just couldn't get my head round it. The relationship that I remembered was gone in reality and so we called it a day after 20 years...

Original poster
p12241342 · 27/07/2021 16:38

@vivainsomnia

You are right. What she given you so far are words. Promises. What you need is actions. Evidence. The problem is these can only be given with time. Time she can't make present.

All you've got now is a choice to trust her and believe that she will provide you with the evidence of her love and devotion over time, or you accept that you can't give her that trust, because it's lost and gone, and you need to accept that the marriage is over.

I understand what you are saying

But at the moment I have zero trust none at all.

But I do have hope. I was swapping trust with hope and hourly that will change in to trust over time

OP posts:
DogsSausages · 27/07/2021 16:40

You will both come into contact with him if he is your sons dad, is he also married. I dont think I would trust her and it's not all about what she wants, it's about what you want.