My do I do now my wife has cheated on me

[p12241342]

Hello

Im sorry if this forum is for mums, but I would appreciate some advice.

Just a little over 2 months ago I found out that my wife of 20 years has been cheating and having an affair with someone close to our family unit. This affair was still alive and kicking on discovery day.

Since then she has text the AP and told him that things went to far and they should cut contact. He replied "it didn't go to far as we both wanted it, but I respect your decision." She has since blocked his number and says they have had no further contact. I only have her word for this.

She explained to me that she has been unhappy for a while because I didn't give her any time and she was un happy. She knows thats no excuse but he made her feel happy they had fun and she also told him she loved him. She says she slept with him once in the early weeks but didn't after that. I don't know what I can believe any more.

She says she wants to make things work with me and wants our family. She says all the right things like it was a mistake, she wishes she could turn back time, she wishes it hadn't happened, she loves me etc.

We go over the same questions many times per day and she is willing to give me time and understanding, but recently her attitude seems to be changing. Even though she says that she thinks I'm going cold she thinks she hasn't changed. We also seem to be bickering a lot more over the past 10 days or so.

She has assured me she loves me and is not going anywhere. She wants us and our family and will and can make this work.

Sometimes I believe, but somethings are just words to me. I want to believe so much as I didn't ask for any of this.

Somethings are just un believable. She says that she no longer has feelings for him. I don't believe this. How can she love him one week and then a few weeks later so she doesn't love him?

She says she doesn't think about him or miss what they had together. But if everything was as good as she has told me how could she not miss him? How could she not think about him?

I think she is trying to spare my feelings. I really believe she still thinks about him, what they had, I think she misses him and if I'm honest I think she does believe she loves him.

Im trying so hard to get past all the hurt and the deceit, but this guy is the dad of our sons friend. So every time I go into our local town there is always a chance of seeing him and my wife seeing him too. I have seen him many times when she says she hasn't.

Im living a nightmare and don't know how to move on when I see him and believe my wife still has feelings for him.

She tells me daily and promises that she has no feelings for him and she doesn't miss him. But how is that possible? Is it possible?

Should I be forgetting it and taking my wife at her word that she doesn't have feelings and doesn't miss him as she looks in my eyes and promises daily.

Or is it the case of that she has to still have these feelings and she is just trying to protect me or herself? But if that is the case, her feelings will come out in the end as she can't try and suppress them for ever.

One thing she does say is that she could leave at any point but she doesn't want to. We have had some big arguments where she could have just walked out but she hasn't and wants to make it work so she says.

I dont know what to do or believe

Any advice would be great

Thanks in advance

It can be done but it depends on a huge number of factors.

Actions speak louder than words, OP. Her actions need to back up what she is saying. Minimising, withholding information, refusing to answer questions (within a reasonable timeframe, not constantly, this is counter productive. Google Bob Huizenga, good advice here) are all evasive tactics and a bad sign.

Truth v lies.... OP, the headfuck of all headfucks is in the early stages after discovery trying to work out what they feel now, what they are thinking now, and wtf they were feeling and thinking at the time. Don’t bother, you’re not Derren Brown. You can’t absolutely know this, so stop trying. You are slowly killing yourself with it.
If the affair was out of character and a big wake up call, even they might have trouble working some of this out. This is no excuse for witholding though. They need to find answers to the above ASAP for all involved. No avoidance whatsoever. They need to face their shame and why they did it (no reason involves you or your marriage. They chose to cheat, neither you nor your role in the marriage forced them) head on.

The very worst headfuck is: ‘is any of this true?’

Here’s the hard truth: You can’t know if they are lying. Looking for eye dilation, subtle shifts in body language etc. is clutching at straws. If actions back up words, then this is all you have and all you will have.

Don’t bother trying to trust any if it, or her, just yet, because of you ever do trust again, it will be a long time coming after this, so don’t beat yourself up about it or keep trying to get there as fast as possible because doubt will drive you nuts initially. You have every reason to doubt, she did that, she needs to put it right. She shattered your trust and needs to move heaven and earth with her actions and her words to put it back. You, your family and your relationship should be her priorities now.

OP nobody here can tell you whether it’s better to stay or leave. What worked for one couple won’t for another. One spouse might never cheat again and another one will. Nobody can know that for you. Nobody can know whether you can trust her or not. Nobody.
I gave my husband a second chance and he knows he only gets one. You have to make a choice, based on your history and her behaviour, whether you want to do this or not, then stick to it until you have a reason not to.

You seem to want someone to say “Is she telling the truth so is it ok to stay?” Nobody can tell you that, sadly. I gave my husband a second chance and he stayed, but that doesn’t mean I can recommend that you do that, any more than those who left after infidelity can recommend you leave.

Just don’t do the ‘pick me’ dance. On discovery I told my husband I wanted to know one thing first. Was he leaving? If he was then he could fuck off immediately. If he ‘wasn’t sure’ he could fuck off immediately. I then told him under what circumstances I would even consider continuing our relationship and what needed to happen immediately.
He was gobsmacked that I didn’t weep and wail and that I was totally prepared for him to fuck off there and then and I’d have shown him the door myself.

Put up with no further crap OP. If you think you can get through it and you want to, (it is not for the faint hearted and very, very hard) then be brave and set your stall out. She lives up to that (your heartbreak, your rules) or out she goes. The longer you keep asking if she loves him or thinks about him just prolongs your torture and makes him more important than you. He isn’t, he’s the bloke she was shagging. You’re her husband. She’s either your wife or your ex-wife. There are no grey areas any more. There’s no shame in staying or leaving, just do not allow yourself to be treated as an option.

So sorry you are going through this, I had never known pain like it when it happened to me. Take care of yourself. X

That is a very difficult situation. The big problem is trust and honesty. When I was a lot younger myself and long term BF were busy, doing our own thing a lot, but still lived together and got on well.

I went away on a training course with a colleague, and after a few drinks the first night of the trip we ended up sleeping together, and it continued all week. Twice most nights, once every morning, the perfect size/girth for me, I enjoyed every bit of it. It was the first time I had a PIV orgasm, the only times I'd ever tried anal.

After the trip I told BF I didn't tell him the truth. I said we were drifting apart, and I had feelings for a colleague at work (I didn't really), and we should split up. I was proactive in telling him that we should split up, but I certainly did not tell him the truth.

My biggest concern would be knowing the truth. I was told the truth by an ex-BF when out of the blue he told me that he'd kissed a girl while away on a stag weekend. I was annoyed and left it at that. We had a heart to heart, I had no reason not to trust him, etc.

A few weeks later, I switch on an old iPad, and found photos. I initially though it was downloaded porn, but I recognized him jerking off his small dick over her face.

Based on that I'd be very concerned about what I'm told. It's made me very cynical.

Yanbu to still be suspicious.
Sometimes people stick with spouses because it's easier financially or they don't want people knowing what she did. I'm not saying that yout wife doesn't love you because I don't know her but I'm a cheated on spouse and I'm not sure that there's anything my h could have done at the time to prove that he was over her and loved me.
It's ok to have tried to forgive her but discover that you can't later.
Children can also be happy after a divorce so if that's a consideration then that's worth remembering. Dads get 50% contact if they want it these days.

I'm really sorry that you're having a bad time. My husband leaving me nearly broke me but it wasn't as bad as when he was gaslighting me over the affair and I was a paranoid mess. It was a relief to be free of the what is he doing? Who is he with ? What is he thinking? Feelings

My opinion is different than most here... But I really think after cheating it's impossible to go back to status quo. You either break up (probably best option), or stop being physical with each other and do your own thing but keep it away from children, or go full open relationship. There is no going back to a trust filled physical monogamous relationship.

i think its normal that you still love her and feel frantic about winning her back. At this stage love is a painful bind rather than a beautiful partnership, but this woman who you love has betrayed you, humiliated you, lied to you and screwed you over. I personally think if you were going to make a go of the relationship you should take time apart first to work out how you both feel

@Branleuse I understand the frantic winning her back feeling too, but should OP be spinning around doing the pick me dance? Until she stops blaming OP for her affair she isn’t sorry.

If OP does win the pick me dance what has he won? A wife of 20 years who betrayed him, sought out another man in their daily life and humiliated OP. She isn’t a prize. Maybe a booby prize.

[quote GothamGirl1970]@Branleuse I understand the frantic winning her back feeling too, but should OP be spinning around doing the pick me dance? Until she stops blaming OP for her affair she isn’t sorry.

If OP does win the pick me dance what has he won? A wife of 20 years who betrayed him, sought out another man in their daily life and humiliated OP. She isn’t a prize. Maybe a booby prize.[/quote]
not at all. I dont think the pick me dance is helpful at all, but its a common reaction to try and prove that youre the best choice and show them what theyre missing. Theres no point. At best you might get an exciting period of hysterical bonding and then it goes back to the same old shit.

I think that marriages that survive affairs are usually the ones where it was never going to be a dealbreaker in the first place. Ones where people turn a blind eye as its just not the most important thing to them.

OP counselling is what you both need. To work through where you want to get to as you might not even know where that is right now.
So many people on mn say I'd never forgive if this happened to me but until it does happen and you realise things aren't that black and white then it's easy to suggest things that probably won't work. Even if you divorce tomorrow you still need to work through this alone and together especially as you have dc. Good luck.

You'll definitely need counseling and support get thought it. It's much more difficult than people can imagine for an established relationship. A previous DP cheated on me, I found out and we stayed together, and I suspected he cheated again (was not right that time!), and guess what...then I did the same and told him.

We said we'd try work through things, and I agreed but it didn't work out. This part is similar to your situation. He wanted to know the truth, and I told him at a broad level. But he wanted to know everything, first it the number of times and dates, then the places, then the acts/positions...crazily I agreed to all that and he still did not believe me. So even if she is telling the truth, you may not believe here.

For me it was easier to move on, but there were no kids, which is a huge additional responsibility and complexity. I wish you both the best

@WhyDontWe

That is a very difficult situation. The big problem is trust and honesty. When I was a lot younger myself and long term BF were busy, doing our own thing a lot, but still lived together and got on well.

I went away on a training course with a colleague, and after a few drinks the first night of the trip we ended up sleeping together, and it continued all week. Twice most nights, once every morning, the perfect size/girth for me, I enjoyed every bit of it. It was the first time I had a PIV orgasm, the only times I'd ever tried anal.

After the trip I told BF I didn't tell him the truth. I said we were drifting apart, and I had feelings for a colleague at work (I didn't really), and we should split up. I was proactive in telling him that we should split up, but I certainly did not tell him the truth.

Fucks sake! Read this op talk about blunt! Your relationship is tainted and images as described in this post would haunt me forever. It will never be the same! Cut your losses and find someone that wants you for you. Hate cheaters...they have fuck all concept of the damage they do! But then they wouldn't or they wouldn't do their shit in the first place.

@Thewookiemustgo I can't believe you posted at the same time that @WhyDontWe posted their very insightful post.

You have competition there

@Onthedunes naaahhh. No competition there. I’m sure I could do it three times nightly and still exhaust anyone every morning, no matter what the girth. 😁

@Onthedunes and I’m not just referring to my essays. 😂

[quote Thewookiemustgo]@Onthedunes and I’m not just referring to my essays. 😂[/quote]
I believe you

No one can tell you if you should stay or leave the marriage, only you can decide that.
If your wife was unhappy then the right thing for her to have done is come to you and discuss it, like an adult. The fact that is is unwilling or unable to communicate openly with you is a red flag. Life goes through his and downs, what is to prevent her from cheating next time she’s feeling a bit bored or fed up.
She told him she loved him yet since you caught her and she’s cut contact, supposedly, hey presto she doesn’t love him any more. I think she’s on damage limitation at the moment and would tell you there’s a unicorn doing handstands in the back garden if it helps her cause.
I would definitely seek counseling for yourself, not as a couple, so YOU can get to understand how YOU are feeling about this situation.
Disagree with pp saying you shouldn’t question her anymore. Nope, she broke the trust, she has put the marriage at risk, she doesn’t get to dictate how many and what questions you get to ask her.
Your biggest hurdle in the long run will be getting the trust back. You will be hyper vigilant about everything she says, how she acts, when she goes into town will she see him, will they talk, what if they restart things. It’s bloody painful and emotionally exhausting trying to trust someone who’s cheated on you, the constant second guessing yourself and worrying about the what if’s just detract from the enjoyment of life. The thoughts never leave you.
Maybe she’s really sorry and she genuinely wants to fix things , but she needs to work really hard at being completely transparent. If you want to look at her phone or emails you can, if that’s what she needs to do to reassure you then so be it. Some people can go on to be happier than ever once they put in the work to fix the damage of an affair, most don’t .
Whatever, good luck and I hope you are able to make the decision that’s right for you.

Ups and downs , sorry

Very familiar writing technique.

I read somewhere it takes between 2 and 5 years to get over an affair (and many don’t). You are 2 months in - so yeah early days and in your position I’d be questioning where her head is at.

I don’t think she’s being honest with you- she was unhappy with you before so she had an affair- so is she happy now? If not - what’s to stop her doing it again ?

I suspect it more “I was bored, he gave me attention, it felt good, I went along with it…oh shit I got caught…”

As @Hopingforabagofbuttons says - she is in damage control and is telling you whatever narrative she thinks will work.

I think individual counseling for yourself is a great idea - you are still trying to unpack this and you need to be able to visualise a life without her - whether it comes to that or not

You keep repeating the question "how do I know". You don't and never will.

If you can live with that chipping away at your brain then try to rebuild the marriage but be fully aware you will never know the truth.

I'm very black and white over fidelity, my 15 year marriage ended over my ex wife's affair, I left the same day I found out, for me there was no chance of rebuilding because the trust had gone. I don't think it ever comes back.

My children, survived and flourished, I would not have wanted them to grow up in a household with no trust between their parents.

As for being the love of your life - it's a two way thing, you are not her's.

Sorry to be blunt but for me it would be over.

Whydontwe what the fuck?