My do I do now my wife has cheated on me

[p12241342]

Hello

Im sorry if this forum is for mums, but I would appreciate some advice.

Just a little over 2 months ago I found out that my wife of 20 years has been cheating and having an affair with someone close to our family unit. This affair was still alive and kicking on discovery day.

Since then she has text the AP and told him that things went to far and they should cut contact. He replied "it didn't go to far as we both wanted it, but I respect your decision." She has since blocked his number and says they have had no further contact. I only have her word for this.

She explained to me that she has been unhappy for a while because I didn't give her any time and she was un happy. She knows thats no excuse but he made her feel happy they had fun and she also told him she loved him. She says she slept with him once in the early weeks but didn't after that. I don't know what I can believe any more.

She says she wants to make things work with me and wants our family. She says all the right things like it was a mistake, she wishes she could turn back time, she wishes it hadn't happened, she loves me etc.

We go over the same questions many times per day and she is willing to give me time and understanding, but recently her attitude seems to be changing. Even though she says that she thinks I'm going cold she thinks she hasn't changed. We also seem to be bickering a lot more over the past 10 days or so.

She has assured me she loves me and is not going anywhere. She wants us and our family and will and can make this work.

Sometimes I believe, but somethings are just words to me. I want to believe so much as I didn't ask for any of this.

Somethings are just un believable. She says that she no longer has feelings for him. I don't believe this. How can she love him one week and then a few weeks later so she doesn't love him?

She says she doesn't think about him or miss what they had together. But if everything was as good as she has told me how could she not miss him? How could she not think about him?

I think she is trying to spare my feelings. I really believe she still thinks about him, what they had, I think she misses him and if I'm honest I think she does believe she loves him.

Im trying so hard to get past all the hurt and the deceit, but this guy is the dad of our sons friend. So every time I go into our local town there is always a chance of seeing him and my wife seeing him too. I have seen him many times when she says she hasn't.

Im living a nightmare and don't know how to move on when I see him and believe my wife still has feelings for him.

She tells me daily and promises that she has no feelings for him and she doesn't miss him. But how is that possible? Is it possible?

Should I be forgetting it and taking my wife at her word that she doesn't have feelings and doesn't miss him as she looks in my eyes and promises daily.

Or is it the case of that she has to still have these feelings and she is just trying to protect me or herself? But if that is the case, her feelings will come out in the end as she can't try and suppress them for ever.

One thing she does say is that she could leave at any point but she doesn't want to. We have had some big arguments where she could have just walked out but she hasn't and wants to make it work so she says.

I dont know what to do or believe

Any advice would be great

Thanks in advance

@Eviebeans

I have been in that position-husband cheated, tried to make it work afterwards but I just couldn't get my head round it. The relationship that I remembered was gone in reality and so we called it a day after 20 years...

Im sorry that it didn't work for you

How long did you try for? Did you find that you bickered and things got harder as time went on instead of as time went on things go easier?

At discovery I felt closer to her than I do now. I think that was because I felt she was really trying to make a mends and she had an idea of how I feel and could see what damage she has done.

But as time has gone on it feels like we just bicker a lot. We are seeing we are doing this and are trying to rain it in but at the moment its a bickering period

@DogsSausages

You will both come into contact with him if he is your sons dad, is he also married. I dont think I would trust her and it's not all about what she wants, it's about what you want.

Sorry I may have miss communicated the relationship.

The other guy is my sons friends dad... Not my sons dad

At discovery I felt closer to her than I do now. I think that was because I felt she was really trying to make a mends and she had an idea of how I feel and could see what damage she has done.

Also possibly some hysterical bonding.

Ok sorry but are you likely to be at the same places like school, sports or social events.

I'm so very sorry you are going through this OP, it must be total agony for you.

My first piece of advice would be to give yourself time before you make any decisions to stay or leave. Things are still really raw, you are probably an absolute mess emotionally speaking, so wait until you are feeling more on a level before you make any life changing decisions. For now just take things one day at a time.

From what you've described your wife's 'relationship' with this man sounds more like infatuation than genuine love. I think if it really was love, genuinely, then she wouldn't be so quick to end things with him. I think that in the heat of the moment infatuation can feel like love, but when reality bites the facade fades away and what you are left with is a huge and highly regrettable error of judgement that has caused massive pain to your spouse and children, and suddenly the excitement and heady feelings evaporate in the hideous aftermath of discovery. This may or may not be the case with you wife, but from your description I am leaning towards this scenario as being quite likely. She may well still have feelings for him, but actual love - not necessarily.

Can I point you in the direction of 'Affair Recovery' - they do lots of therapy videos online which cover infidelity from every imaginable angle answering every possible question, and I found them hugely helpful and comforting when I discovered my husband's infidelity. Here is a link to one of the videos but there are tonnes more if you google, and some that will really feel specific to your situation and feelings. It was actually on MN that I came across this because another poster recommended it:

I really hope that you are able to make sense of what is going on with your wife and that you find some peace at the end of the journey, whatever you decide to do. I know all too well the all consuming agony, it totally ruins your life for a while, but not forever. The main thing to focus on right now is how genuine your wife's remorse is - if it is truly genuine then you may have a chance together, if it isn't then that's another story.

@DogsSausages

Ok sorry but are you likely to be at the same places like school, sports or social events.

He split from his wife last year as ironically his wife cheated on him and she left and too both his kids to move in with her AP.

So why he would want to do that the exact same thing that happened to him and his family to another family is beyond me.

Thats what im worried about there is a possibility but not 100 likely

@dontblamemee

As someone who has had extra marital affairs I think what she means by she doesn't love him anymore is: I thought I loved him when it was secret and exciting and not really real, but now it's all in the open and I can see how I've hurt you and what I'm going to lose I no longer feel the same way.

If you both want to work on your marriage then you need to stop going on about her mistakes and work on 'your marriage'.

You say you go over the same questions many times a day, this is driving her away and it's no wonder she's bickering with you.

You need to stop questioning her about the affair and start giving her a reason to stay, it sounds like she's working hard to rectify her mistake but you are continuing to punish her for it.

Affairs are unforgivable.

@Magicpaintbrush

I'm so very sorry you are going through this OP, it must be total agony for you.

My first piece of advice would be to give yourself time before you make any decisions to stay or leave. Things are still really raw, you are probably an absolute mess emotionally speaking, so wait until you are feeling more on a level before you make any life changing decisions. For now just take things one day at a time.

From what you've described your wife's 'relationship' with this man sounds more like infatuation than genuine love. I think if it really was love, genuinely, then she wouldn't be so quick to end things with him. I think that in the heat of the moment infatuation can feel like love, but when reality bites the facade fades away and what you are left with is a huge and highly regrettable error of judgement that has caused massive pain to your spouse and children, and suddenly the excitement and heady feelings evaporate in the hideous aftermath of discovery. This may or may not be the case with you wife, but from your description I am leaning towards this scenario as being quite likely. She may well still have feelings for him, but actual love - not necessarily.

Can I point you in the direction of 'Affair Recovery' - they do lots of therapy videos online which cover infidelity from every imaginable angle answering every possible question, and I found them hugely helpful and comforting when I discovered my husband's infidelity. Here is a link to one of the videos but there are tonnes more if you google, and some that will really feel specific to your situation and feelings. It was actually on MN that I came across this because another poster recommended it:

I really hope that you are able to make sense of what is going on with your wife and that you find some peace at the end of the journey, whatever you decide to do. I know all too well the all consuming agony, it totally ruins your life for a while, but not forever. The main thing to focus on right now is how genuine your wife's remorse is - if it is truly genuine then you may have a chance together, if it isn't then that's another story.

Thank you for taking the time to write a really long post and to point me in the direction of the videos.

How do I know that she has real remorse how do I know she is genuine ?

Thanks again

She started a sexual affair with her 11 year old DSs friends Dad!? Totally unforgivable. It’s impossible that she could be NC while your DSs are still friends. What a horrendous situation.

She must have had strong feelings for him if she was prepared to risk her DSs wellbeing let alone her marriage and it could be that she’s saying what you want to hear so as not to lose finances/home/family/face etc for now but there’s no way I could move on from this with the risk the affair could start up again when initial discovery has blown over.

Is the OM married too or is he a single Dad?

If she had any decency she’d have moved out so you have some distance to sort your head out.

It doesn’t matter what the excuses are for her affair, she chose to cheat and betray, not only you but your DS.

You sound like a decent guy and you deserve better. No one would think you were being unreasonable to tell her to leave. What she had done is the lowest of the low IMO.

How do I know that she has real remorse how do I know she is genuine ?

You don't. She's betrayed you and can't be trusted.

@JustCallMeBubblesDahling

She started a sexual affair with her 11 year old DSs friends Dad!? Totally unforgivable. It’s impossible that she could be NC while your DSs are still friends. What a horrendous situation.

She must have had strong feelings for him if she was prepared to risk her DSs wellbeing let alone her marriage and it could be that she’s saying what you want to hear so as not to lose finances/home/family/face etc for now but there’s no way I could move on from this with the risk the affair could start up again when initial discovery has blown over.

Is the OM married too or is he a single Dad?

If she had any decency she’d have moved out so you have some distance to sort your head out.

It doesn’t matter what the excuses are for her affair, she chose to cheat and betray, not only you but your DS.

You sound like a decent guy and you deserve better. No one would think you were being unreasonable to tell her to leave. What she had done is the lowest of the low IMO.

Thanks for you post.

The other man is single.

His wife left him last year after she had an affair also and left with his kids

We must have been masochists because we "tried" for a year. We had the feeling that we wanted to try to save what we'd had but of course it had already been damaged too much... I think we are both a lot happier now

I think your wife may have had a wake up call after you discovered an affair. You can have an affair, and some people think they are in love, but it's usually not the case after so short an affair. Some people get into an affair for various reasons, as in not being happy at home, or even for something more exciting for a while. Its all wrong of course, but it happens to lots of couples..

You have gone into overdrive now, with all the thoughts you have about your wife, and what she tells you. If you have known your wife for many years, you should know if the things she is telling you. are true or not now.

@1forAll74

I think your wife may have had a wake up call after you discovered an affair. You can have an affair, and some people think they are in love, but it's usually not the case after so short an affair. Some people get into an affair for various reasons, as in not being happy at home, or even for something more exciting for a while. Its all wrong of course, but it happens to lots of couples..

You have gone into overdrive now, with all the thoughts you have about your wife, and what she tells you. If you have known your wife for many years, you should know if the things she is telling you. are true or not now.

Thank you for adding to the post.

I have known my wife over 20 years and I had a feeling something was going on at the time of the affair.

Now I thought I knew her inside out. But she has changed she must have as the person I knew before wouldn't do this to me.

When I ask her certain things I believe but when I ask does she love him, does she miss him she gives me the answers but it doesnt go in I dont believe but I think thats bad judgment on my side. As I dont think I can't believe because she has hurt me.

That worried me because what if she is telling the truth on some things and we me not believing pushes her away.

But I suppose she started this and she made the choice we are where we are because of her actions

So what ever happens happens

I’m male and been in your shoes. I actually heard my ex tell her AP that she loved him when she was on a secret call! Mine tried to backtrack like yours is doing, only admitting to the bare minimum. They were all lies. Pure damage limitation on her part. We limped on but the trust was gone for me so that was that. I ended it. My life has got considerably better since then. Believe me, you can find the same, if not better love. I did.

@TIpster68

I’m male and been in your shoes. I actually heard my ex tell her AP that she loved him when she was on a secret call! Mine tried to backtrack like yours is doing, only admitting to the bare minimum. They were all lies. Pure damage limitation on her part. We limped on but the trust was gone for me so that was that. I ended it. My life has got considerably better since then. Believe me, you can find the same, if not better love. I did.

Thank you for your kind words

Im sorry to hear that you had to deal with the same situation as im going through now.

I dont wish this on anybody

If you dont mind me asking how long did you try for and how did you know it was time to call it a day.

Did you believe your wife had cut contact and didn't have any feelings for him or did she admit it

she lied to you during the affair, she lied to the kids and probably family and friends. affairs don't happen without a trace and some cover up.
so stop looking at her with those rose tinted glasses.
as for the fellows marriage dissolving??? are you certain his wife left as she had an affair and did not discover your wife and her husbands affair? i'm not convinced you know the whole story.
are you being a role model for your children showing them honesty and integrity, showing them that having morals means something?
sometimes in life decisions are not easy (in this case staying is the easy answer, continue plodding along as is or was (and the affair will resume) or make a hard decision to stand tall and leave.

How do I know that she has real remorse how do I know she is genuine ?

I think partly your gut instinct will tell you this over time, but also it will be down to the sheer amount of effort she is putting into saving your marriage. If she is moving heaven an earth, doing absolutely all that she can, and clearly making you her number one top priority above all other things then I would say that yes her remorse is genuine - in short whatever it takes to make you feel safe with her, and to prove that she has learned a massive lesson from this hideous thing she has done. If she isn't doing that, or making excuses for her behaviour, getting annoyed with you when you try to talk about it etc then I would say that she doesn't 'get it' and is not completely on the same page as you.

From the day of discovery my DH put me first in absolutely everything he did, and two years on we are still together and he still does this. Prior to that I guess we had drifted a bit and he took me for granted, but he hasn't ever since, and has never wavered from that. In many ways we are closer than we have ever been, though I wish it hadn't taken almost losing me to make the penny drop for him, because the truth is I will never forgive what he did, I don't think it is forgivable - but, I have been able to get to a place where I can look forwards and not back, where we have mutual love and respect, and we are a team. So it is possible to recover. Don't get me wrong, there are some times when I have bad days still, but the good days outnumber them by far, and I almost feel like this phase of our relationship is a whole new chapter in which we know each other better than ever, the good and the bad, but appreciate each other so much.

When I found out about DH infidelity with a colleague he had already left the workplace where she worked so that was one thing that led me to realise he didn't care for her as he had already left her behind even before I became aware of what had gone on. In your situation I would not be able to bear living in the same town as the affair partner and, not that you should have to, I would move elsewhere - though you do have children to consider I realise, so not that simple. Even now I can't bear to go anywhere near the town where the infidelity took place or to see it on a map, so to literally live right on top of it all must be horrific for you. But it very much depends if you think you can live with it. If you can't then discuss it with your wife - her reaction to the prospect of moving house to start afresh would be very telling. If she really wants to heal your marriage then she will be at least willing to consider it. My DH even suggested moving to the other side of the country for a fresh start when we were going through it all.

Here is another video about remorse which may be helpful for you:

OP, I was where you are now 18 months ago. I found out my DP had cheated with a previous ex colleague - I found out on holiday of all places and I and my 9 year old dd were devastated. It had been going on for months and months.

I tried to have him back for a few months, but I couldn't get past the hurt and pain. Every time we slept together I thought of him with her. He wasn't who I thought he was. He had ample opportunity to tell me he was unhappy but I never got the decency of a conversation even. I ended it 6 months ago. I couldn't move on with him. He wasn't who I thought he was and to be honest I thought I deserved better. You mourn what you thought you had - but it wasn't the truth.

I had counselling. I didnt find it helped much to be honest. Give yourself time. Ask her to move out to give you time to think if it helps, but be prepared for not being able to get past the hurt. it is very painful.

Feel free to PM me.

If

As you say she has done wrong. That is absolutely true. The problem I see with a successful reconciliation is in your post.

She blames you for her infidelity/ adultery. It’s your fault she says she broke your trust, your heart, your vows, because you weren’t attentive enough.

Until she takes complete responsibility for her actions instead of trying to make you feel it’s your fault, she is delusional and has no remorse. You didn’t commit infidelity, you didn’t force her to, she did it all on her own.

How did you find out about their affair. Did she confess or did you notice a change. If you hadnt of found out do you think the affair would still be going on.

I don't have have first hand experience of this, but I have very up close and detailed knowledge from an affair my best friend had a few years back. She had been in what I'd consider a happy marriage, with lots of things going for them (career, jobs, health. lifestyle). I knew her DH very well too from meeting with them socially.

She had an affair with an old friend of our from college (they were never an item back then). I knew of the affair, felt very conflicted. She told me she was leaving the DH, she never felt so wanted, that the sex with the new guy was amazing, the best she ever had, she'd done things she'd never done before, he was so skilled, etc. This went on for several months until he moved to a different city for work.

I'm fairly sure they still meet up when he's back here from time to time.

As far as per DH knows, she had a short emotional affair, and they had relationship counseling to get over it.

Some people tell the truth, some people don't and will minimize. I hope she is telling you the truth.

I'm very sorry op, your world has caved in and that has been done by someone who you placed your trust in more than anyone else in the world.

She is no longer your friend and you no longer feel safe.
That's quite an adjustment to get used to.

I do believe in relationships there is usually one partner who cares more for the other and one who is less afraid of the other partner leaving and being abandoned.
She took you for granted, she took your love for granted and rather than her facing the consequenses you are tying yourself in knots thinking of ways of how you can forgive her and make this less painful for yourself.

You cannot stop the pain, an affair is pre meditated and purposeful and unbelievably cruel and deiceitful.

What do you do ?
Draw a list up firstly of all the things which could help you regain trust no matter how invasive of her privacy that may be, she has to be completely open and that means, moving if you wish, never seeing him again, even explaining to your child why he cannot see him with his mother there, other posters would disagree.

It is early days, the trust is destroyed, you can still have a marriage but it will never be the same, it will be different and you will be guarded.

Don't rush your decision, but remember if you try to make a go of it and you feel in time it will not work there is no time limit as to when you can change your mind.

Hugs to you and look after yourself. Also don't give up hope that there is no one else for you, there are many women who have better morals and are intellegent enough not to have to seek out thrills purely for their own ego, which destroy years of love.

You need someone with integrity.

@p12241342

Stayed together for 6m more but it was never the same. I just knew I had to end it. She tried saying she didn’t have feelings but it was just bullshit. I found a card she had from him referring to her comments she had sent him and found loads of messages. I later found out that the “one time” they slept together was actually more like tens of times and they had stayed in a hotel for a couple of those nights.

It was awful at the time but it was 20 plus years ago now so water under the bridge and we actually get on quite well now.

I dont believe you have any good reason to ever accept or deal with this. Get rid for your sanity's sake.