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Original poster

Form of control?

81 replies

Amie1234 · 27/07/2021 09:21

My partner and I have been together 15 years and we bought our first house last year. I've noticed that the house has become a trigger for arguments. We have very different decor tastes and the only way to get around this was to split the rooms up so he chooses the decor for his, and I do mine. He never buys anything for the house, unless it's a biggish item.
Now, the issue is, he says that I should ask him for his opinion before I buy anything that isn't a consumable. Like, I bought a doormat and he wasn't happy because I didn't ask him what he thought first. Yesterday, I bought a tiny storage unit for £10 to go in the cupboard under the stairs to put cleaning products in (which he never uses) but he kicked off because I didn't ask him first. I don't dare put the unit in there now. I bought a toilet brush and maybe I should've asked him first? It wouldn't be so bad if he bought stuff. Basically, If I don't buy it, we don't have it, but then he makes me feel guilty for buying it.
It's just little bits to improve our house but I feel like I'm being controlled in some way. He says the house belongs to both of us so we both need to discuss these things. Am I right to feel so sad about it?

OP posts:

user16395699 · 27/07/2021 09:23

If you are now at the point of being afraid to buy so much as a toilet brush without permission, then yes that is very toxic and controlling.

Kicking off when someone does something trivial that you don't like is coercive and controlling behaviour.

Shoxfordian · 27/07/2021 09:26

Yeah it does sound controlling to me too

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/07/2021 09:28

You're being controlled and he wants you to bend to his will. He likely also regards this as "his" house. He is kicking off unnecessarily over such items as a doormat and a small storage cupboard, his reactions are disproportionate to say the least and are red flags here that you cannot and should not minimise.

I would move out and reconsider the relationship as a whole. You've been together 15 years now and I would think he has further ramped up the power and control gradually against you during this time. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this, I guess not. If you really do not want to spend the rest of your life bending to his will or otherwise control then you will need to leave him.

Themadcatparade · 27/07/2021 10:45

This is horrible OP.

Exactly what happened with my ex, he always lived with me but as soon as we got a place together he was awful. I wanted a small desk to write as I was writing heavily at the time and no space to. We was even looking for a small third bedroom I could use as a study but settled with a two bed at the time and I said I’d have to make do with a corner desk.

I asked him about the desk about two months after we moved in and he just said ‘we’ll see…’

I asked why? He said financial reasons and space.

Someone a few weeks later was giving away a very very very small desk for free and I snatched it up straight away. Financially no implication and the corner of the room wasn’t in use so no problem with the space. I told him we were being gifted a small desk and ask him help with picking it up and he kicked off big time and refused to pick it up so I got my dad to do it for me. He didn’t speak to me for a week.

It got much worse after that. And yours is just cupboard storage!

Sounds like it’s an indicator of what’s to come OP it either needs addressing and you both sit down and have a serious chat now or you keep an eye on it spiralling out of control

username18702 · 27/07/2021 11:09

and he just said ‘we’ll see…’

That would make me go ape. Who does he think he is?

OP he sounds nuts. I doubt I would notice a small storage box under the stairs for cleaning products I didn't use. There's something wrong with him. I would follow the Exit signs.

Recessed · 27/07/2021 19:21

Very odd. When I moved into my husbands house - it was solely his built before we met - I bought whatever I liked, much bigger items than a bloody toilet brush! He raised the occasional eyebrow if something wasn't to his taste but it never turned into an argument. It's both of yours and he's not buying anything so what on earth is the problem? You should talk to him. Write a list of all the items you need and divvy them up or something?

Is there more to this? Is he controlling in other ways?

Cimone · 27/07/2021 20:29

Tell him to SHUT THE HELL UP! Tell him if you don't want to go buy it yourself, then you don't get to have a say in what I buy. Do you ask me before you buy something? The anser is NO! and I won't be bothered by running every little decision I make by you. WTF? Tell him to bugger off and get out of your face with his control freak nonsense. Tell him if he wants to control something to buy a damn dog or a gerbil or something that might care what he thinks, because that isn't you. Then finish by telling him "at any time if you don't like what I do in MY HOUSE, you can buy me out and I will go on my merry way to find a different man. You are not the only show in town dude, and at this rate you are doing more to drive me away from you than to make me love you more. So you decide either you SHUT UP or start saving your money to buy me out at market rate."

That will shut him down. Idiot!

GingerBeverage · 27/07/2021 20:30

Was the deposit 50/50? Does he pay more mortgage?

Faevern · 27/07/2021 20:54

In 15 years did you not notice you had different tastes in decor etc?

Now I have certain decor and furnishing ideas and so does my DP and they often don’t match. I would object if he bought something I didn’t like or want and so would he. We found this out quite early on though. It’s a pain and it’s why everything takes ages in this house and garden discussing colours, furniture and what goes where. I can honestly say I would not be happy if he went and bought new curtains for example unless I had seen them and agreed, unless I really liked them. We once walked past a sofa and both at the same time said oh I like that so we said quick buy it. We’ve been like this for 30 years. Smaller items are not such an issue.

However him kicking off and you being scared is never acceptable, whatever the trigger. Is this a symptom of how he usually is in your relationship?

candycane222 · 27/07/2021 21:04

Ugh. Not on. kicking off over a storage box? really??? He's a twat, sorry.

Ridiculously (unbearably) precious at best, controlling arse at worst.

Biscoffbiscou · 27/07/2021 21:06

Is there some other power struggle going on between you OP? Is this new behaviour or does it echo other areas of your relationship?

WallaceinAnderland · 27/07/2021 21:10

We have very different decor tastes and the only way to get around this was to split the rooms up so he chooses the decor for his, and I do mine.

How big is your house that you have all these rooms. What about the shared rooms?

OliveToboogie · 27/07/2021 22:31

He is nuts sorry.... Nothing to add

Original poster

Amie1234 · 27/07/2021 23:48

Thanks for all the comments and support. I feel like my shock at his reactions is right, as I was beginning to question if it was me being unreasonable. To answer some of your questions... We've lived together for 10 years in rental properties where we couldn't really decorate. He's never been bothered about decor before, at all.

Our house is a 3 bed detached. He's in charge of decorating the kitchen, utility, main bedroom, 2nd bedroom and bathroom. I've got the living room, hall/stairs/landing and the box room.

His behaviour is new and it's been like this since we moved in. He was the most placid guy before that. He's good in all other respects and we're generally really close. It's just these streaks of a person I don't recognise that worry me.

The house deposit was part savings, part contribution from his parents but were paying it back and were 50/50 owners.

I spoke to him tonight and he says that the cupboard under the stairs is his room to decorate so I shouldn't buy anything to go in it (like furniture) without running it by him first.

I feel so lost with it all.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 27/07/2021 23:49

He sounds really awful.

Stop spending any more money, you need to sell up and leave.

Faevern · 28/07/2021 06:54

You need this to stop. Tell him how unreasonable he is and what is he going to do to change his behaviour? This is weird, even in rental property you choose furnishings and decor.

OrchestraOfWankery · 28/07/2021 07:02

What he's doing is the human equivalent of pissing on his territory like a dog does. MINE! MINE!

Buying this house has addled his mind, and let loose his hidden twattery.

ElinoristhenewEnid · 28/07/2021 08:17

Surely the hall stairs and landing includes the cupboard under the stairs! It's all silly games on his part anyway!

Biscoffbiscou · 28/07/2021 11:58

If this is new behaviour and he hasn’t been like this over the prior 10 years of your relationship, I think it’s a bit shortsighted to just put it down to him being a ‘controlling twat’ and write off the whole relationship.

It might be unreasonable and irrational but people are sometimes. Presumably you’re interested in getting to the bottom of it before going for the nuclear option of selling the house and parting ways...

The fact you’ve decided to divvy up the rooms in the house is a bit unusual. There’s not a rule book and everyone should do what works for them, but obviously for a lot of people buying a property together is also about pooling resources and creating something shared together as a couple. So choosing decor together and creating shared spaces together is a big part of that.

It sounds like this whole issue is more about autonomy than anything. It sounds less like he’s trying to ‘control’ you and more like he’s trying to maintain ‘control’ over some part of his own life and space. Perhaps he feels overwhelmed by the house purchase?

Have you had any conversations about any of this with him? How did the decision-making process about divvying up the rooms go?

Biscoffbiscou · 28/07/2021 12:05

And actually, isn’t this part of the arrangement you’ve both agreed on, that he won’t interfere in the rooms you’re decorating, and vice versa?

I think that’s the unusual bit – but it’s something you’ve both agreed on?

Iknowthiswillendbutwhen · 28/07/2021 12:23

Yesterday, I bought a tiny storage unit for £10 to go in the cupboard under the stairs to put cleaning products in (which he never uses) but he kicked off because I didn't ask him first.

This is just not acceptable behaviour on his part. It's definitely controlling and so way over the top it is bordering on abusive. You don't need permission to buy something worth £10 for an area he doesn't access.

Unless there is a back story to this and you are in terrible debt, or your spending is out of control, or he is extremely anxious about some part of your life (and even then ...) this is totally unacceptable and you need to address it op.

Do you have DC? I really would be taking a break in this relationship before you take it further. You could be living in total misery for years otherwise.

I think in your shoes, I would take him out for for a meal and have a serious discussion. If his behaviour doesn't change I would go away for a short break and not ask his "permission" or give him any notice in advance. He needs to understand how serious this is. Please, please assert yourself op. You deserve better

billy1966 · 28/07/2021 12:55

This is nasty abusive behaviour that you need to take very seriously.

muddyford · 28/07/2021 13:16

My parents were with me when I saw and bought the perfect bed for our guest room. Dad asked if I was going to ask DH before I paid for it...No, I wasn't and didn't and DH was thrilled he didn't need to go shopping!

PartridgeFeather · 28/07/2021 19:06

There will be other signs of control in other areas of your life. This indicates a twisted attitude to money and possessions.

My EA /FA ex did this all the time. Kicked off one day because I bought some cushions from Ikea without asking him. I used to call him the Financial Controller. He also regarded me and the kids as his personal property.

LTB ASAP

category12 · 28/07/2021 19:34

Our house is a 3 bed detached. He's in charge of decorating the kitchen, utility, main bedroom, 2nd bedroom and bathroom. I've got the living room, hall/stairs/landing and the box room.

That doesn't seem like an even split in the first place.

But basically it's barmy and yes controlling and I would leg it.

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