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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Form of control?

81 replies

Amie1234 · 27/07/2021 09:21

My partner and I have been together 15 years and we bought our first house last year. I've noticed that the house has become a trigger for arguments. We have very different decor tastes and the only way to get around this was to split the rooms up so he chooses the decor for his, and I do mine. He never buys anything for the house, unless it's a biggish item.
Now, the issue is, he says that I should ask him for his opinion before I buy anything that isn't a consumable. Like, I bought a doormat and he wasn't happy because I didn't ask him what he thought first. Yesterday, I bought a tiny storage unit for £10 to go in the cupboard under the stairs to put cleaning products in (which he never uses) but he kicked off because I didn't ask him first. I don't dare put the unit in there now. I bought a toilet brush and maybe I should've asked him first? It wouldn't be so bad if he bought stuff. Basically, If I don't buy it, we don't have it, but then he makes me feel guilty for buying it.
It's just little bits to improve our house but I feel like I'm being controlled in some way. He says the house belongs to both of us so we both need to discuss these things. Am I right to feel so sad about it?

OP posts:

worktrip · 29/07/2021 09:26

Time for a serious sit down and talk. He needs to see this behaviour is unreasonable. There may be some underlying issues he's having which show itself by these outbursts.

ckverity9 · 29/07/2021 09:46

I think you should consider whether to continue this relationship. Judging by their weight, they are toxic. This control goes beyond all boundaries. Do you really want to continue to be afraid to buy even a brush into the house without his permission?

OliviaNewtAndJohn · 29/07/2021 10:08

Are there other ways his views prevail Over yours? What you watch on tv, how you spend your free time, what you wear, birthday gifts that are to his taste not yours,...? Wondering if there is a pattern.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 29/07/2021 10:12

Division of things is a fucking great idea..
Grab your 50 %and run for the hills..

theodoracarp · 29/07/2021 10:19

Maybe you should think about moving out. The further, the worse, unfortunately.

Sally2791 · 29/07/2021 13:50

He’s a twat. Cut your losses and run, they don’t improve

tenredthings · 29/07/2021 14:00

I think I'd be inclined to buy a teeny tiny item and leave it somewhere in one of 'his' rooms.. I just could't take this seriously and would have a terrible urge to troll him.

HollowTalk · 29/07/2021 14:04

I wonder if you realise how insane this is, OP? You can't possibly live like that - you'd be as mad as he is in no time at all.

username18702 · 29/07/2021 14:12

@tenredthings

I think I'd be inclined to buy a teeny tiny item and leave it somewhere in one of 'his' rooms.. I just could't take this seriously and would have a terrible urge to troll him.

my little ceramic penguin in the study always faces due south.

Mix56 · 29/07/2021 15:14

I think you need to have a sit down conversation.
Tell him that it is not going to work long term, this division of rooms/power is not how you conceive a happy relationship to work
Yes, choosing a new sofa, kitchen, carpet etc needs to be discussed together, but so far, 50/50 (which it's not) is absurd,
the only 50/50 should be other household business then like cooking/washing up/cleaning.
Are you supposed to clean his rooms ?
Seriously I would tell him I was moving out, the house can be sold.
He has turned into some sort of megalomaniac bully. abusive dick
There may be all sorts of nice things about him, but this is counteracting any positives. You do not plan to live this way.
Say it, & mean it.

Original poster

Amie1234 · 29/07/2021 18:20

@OliviaNewtAndJohn

He watches sport and films a lot, or spends quit a bit of time on his PS5. He does offer to watch upstairs if there's anything I want to watch. I'm not mad on TV anyway. I don't see any controlling patterns generally other than he can get quite critical of me. Tiny things like the way I say a word or because I forgot to get something from the shop. I'll pull him up on it after a while and tell him that I won't be spoken to like a piece of 💩 and it stops. Then after a while, comments creep back in until I tell him. It's like I'm his punchbag when he's bothered by something. I spoke to his mum about it in confidence and she said she's noticed the way he speaks to me sometimes and she's pulled him up on it. She just wants to throttle him for being a dick but thinks there is something under the surface too.

I had an accessory come today that I'd ordered for one of his rooms. Tiny ornament type thing. Part of me wants to put it in the bedroom but at the same time, I just don't have the energy for a battle today.

OP posts:

greyinganddecaying · 29/07/2021 18:31

It must be exhausting OP. And why shouldn't you put stuff in rooms you live in, especially your own bedroom? Does he tell you what clothes/shoes/make up you're allowed in there too?

I don't think this is going to go away without some form of intervention, if you've already pulled him up on things & he's just reverted back after a few days.

pansypotter123 · 29/07/2021 18:35

It's like I'm his punchbag when he's bothered by something.

There's a saying: when someone tells you who they are, listen. Even his mother is telling you what he's like. Listen to her and your inner voice.

And the ornament you bought today - it's for your home. Put it wherever you want to.

Do you really think this is how you should be living your life.

Are you planning on having children together? Will be be so prescriptive then I wonder!

category12 · 29/07/2021 19:00

I don't see any controlling patterns generally other than he can get quite critical of me. Tiny things like the way I say a word or because I forgot to get something from the shop. I'll pull him up on it after a while and tell him that I won't be spoken to like a piece of 💩 and it stops. Then after a while, comments creep back in until I tell him. It's like I'm his punchbag when he's bothered by something.

It's chipping away at your confidence, belittling you, wrongfooting you and nitpicking you into a state of paralysis. It's emotional abuse.

Could you imagine doing the same to him all the time?
Is it a loving thing to do?

Original poster

Amie1234 · 29/07/2021 19:01

We've been TTC for two years and ironically, I have a call scheduled with my doctor to start the ball rolling for fertility treatment. I wonder if this might be bothering him. Not that it's an excuse to take it out in anyone, least of all me.

OP posts:

category12 · 29/07/2021 19:03

I'd put TTC on hold - well, maybe go ahead with checks, but really, your relationship is in no state to have children in.

NewlyGranny · 29/07/2021 19:04

Policing your pronunciation is practically the biggest red flag of all, OP!

He literally expects to control the words that come out of your mouth. 😱

category12 · 29/07/2021 19:05

Have a look at this and see what resonates with you.

www.verywellmind.com/identify-and-cope-with-emotional-abuse-4156673

NewlyGranny · 29/07/2021 19:06

Don't pursue TTC with this man until his batshit attitude is sorted, OP. If you do, that cupboard under the stairs is figuratively all the space a DC is likely to be afforded!

pansypotter123 · 29/07/2021 19:10

So sorry you are struggling TTC. What's your partner's take on this and the prospect of fertility treatment?

DuncinToffee · 29/07/2021 19:12

So he is nice as long as you do what he wants, things go his way? And he can control himself for a while when you stand up for yourself?

I hope you can see that it is not normal to buy something for your house and being afraid to display it because of your partner's reaction.

Also sort out the cleaning and cooking, you are his partner not his maid.

gamerchick · 29/07/2021 19:16

@Amie1234

I wouldn't be having babies with this person. I'd be telling him that he's acting like a dick, treating me like shit and it's time to put the house back on the market or be can buy me out and we'll go our separate ways.

HollowTalk · 29/07/2021 19:21

Seriously, you'd have to be insane to even consider having a child with a man like that.

Why would you put yourself through it?

Why would you put your own child through it?

Mix56 · 30/07/2021 10:24

So will your future child be allowed to bring there toys into "his" rooms?
Is he going to participate in raising a child, doing what comes with a baby, slog, effort, sleep deprivation, dirty nappies....
Sooner or later you will have to separate from him, or become a shadow of your former self. Then you will have the misery of him abusing & controlling you for years to come through your child.
Please don't bring a child into this already perverted environment

Mix56 · 30/07/2021 10:25

"their"

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