Form of control?

[Amie1234]

My partner and I have been together 15 years and we bought our first house last year. I've noticed that the house has become a trigger for arguments. We have very different decor tastes and the only way to get around this was to split the rooms up so he chooses the decor for his, and I do mine. He never buys anything for the house, unless it's a biggish item.
Now, the issue is, he says that I should ask him for his opinion before I buy anything that isn't a consumable. Like, I bought a doormat and he wasn't happy because I didn't ask him what he thought first. Yesterday, I bought a tiny storage unit for £10 to go in the cupboard under the stairs to put cleaning products in (which he never uses) but he kicked off because I didn't ask him first. I don't dare put the unit in there now. I bought a toilet brush and maybe I should've asked him first? It wouldn't be so bad if he bought stuff. Basically, If I don't buy it, we don't have it, but then he makes me feel guilty for buying it.
It's just little bits to improve our house but I feel like I'm being controlled in some way. He says the house belongs to both of us so we both need to discuss these things. Am I right to feel so sad about it?

@Biscoffbiscou

If this is new behaviour and he hasn’t been like this over the prior 10 years of your relationship, I think it’s a bit shortsighted to just put it down to him being a ‘controlling twat’ and write off the whole relationship.

It might be unreasonable and irrational but people are sometimes. Presumably you’re interested in getting to the bottom of it before going for the nuclear option of selling the house and parting ways...

The fact you’ve decided to divvy up the rooms in the house is a bit unusual. There’s not a rule book and everyone should do what works for them, but obviously for a lot of people buying a property together is also about pooling resources and creating something shared together as a couple. So choosing decor together and creating shared spaces together is a big part of that.

It sounds like this whole issue is more about autonomy than anything. It sounds less like he’s trying to ‘control’ you and more like he’s trying to maintain ‘control’ over some part of his own life and space. Perhaps he feels overwhelmed by the house purchase?

Have you had any conversations about any of this with him? How did the decision-making process about divvying up the rooms go?

You're spot on. I want to understand why he's being like this before I make any big decisions.

The room split thing is unconventional. It's just that our tastes are so very different and if we tried to decorate a room together we would end up with an eclectic mess in every room. So, splitting 'responsibility' seemed like an easy way of us both getting some rooms that we each enjoy being in.

I do feel that the split isn't equal but his argument is that the kitchen and bathroom were pretty much finished when we moved in.

When we spoke, I asked him if there was anything bothering him, if he way happy or if there was anything he wanted to discuss- but nope, he said he's fine. I don't think there are any other deeper problems. Maybe he is overwhelmed by the house purchase, but we've been here nearly a year now and we're settled so I would've thought any anxiety would have passed.

He basically said that I shouldn't buy anything for 'his' rooms with out calling him first or waiting to talk about it together. That includes small items it seems. I'm not really sure where the boundaries are in terms of how small or trivial an item has to be before I'm able to buy it without discussing it with him.

Maybe I should spend my time and money on making my rooms look beautiful and stop buying helpful bits and bobs for the rest of the house.

Thanks again for all your advice. I'm taking it in and I really appreciate it.

Surely a doormat and thing for the understairs cupboard are for "your" rooms anyway, if you have the hall/stairs/landing?

Very unusual arrangement to divy up the rooms in that way and he’s being overly controlling. Surely the kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and lounge should be shared as the main rooms you use? Who does most of the cooking? You can’t buy anything for the kitchen? No choice re the cutlery/tea towels etc? That’s batshit.

I do all of the cooking. I think I'd have to ask him first for things like cutlery etc... so that we could decide together which to get. I'm just repeating what he said, so that maybe you can help me to understand where I stand. I feel so sad about it, even after we've talked. I love him to bits and he had been the best partner up until the last year (albeit a bit lazy around the house). I'm really not sure what the issue is but I feel numb.

Crazy overreaction to kick off about almost-invisible practical items like that. I know you used the toilet brush as an example but that is a good (metaphorical) weather-vane - if he vetoes that, you’ve a big problem! As he ‘completed’ the rooms that are his; are they decorated, have you photos or pictures up, are they comfortable? If you saw a nice throw for the sofa, would you not be ‘allowed’ buy it?

He sounds exhausting,

You say to put cleaning products in (which he never uses), does that mean he doesn't do any cleaning?

We've painted one of his rooms and he got the dining room table and chairs but thats it. The other rooms havent been started on yet. With his help to paint, I've nearly finished the lounge and hallway- just need to buy accessories and fix some skirting.I mentioned to toilet brush to him and he said he would have preferred it if we'd discussed it before I got it. I'd be able to buy a throw for the sofa as that's my room, but not cushions for the bed, for example, without discussing it with him first as that's his room. These are the boundaries that I'm learning and I need to decide whether I'm OK with them.

In terms of cleaning, he will empty the dishwasher every now and then without being asked, change the bin sometimes, and he puts a load of washing on a couple of times a week. But that is pretty much it. He does feed the cat. I clean and cook every day. The garden is my responsibility as I love plants etc... and he has hay-fever so can't mow the lawn etc.

I'm conscious that the picture of him isn't that rosy but he's a lovely guy in all other respects. He supports me, listens and we get on so well. It's just these streaks that he's developing that ring alarm bells.

This is crazy, at the very least you should have control over the spaces that you use like the kitchen. That you can't buy something for your bedroom is insane.

You say you "don't dare" put your organizer bin in the cupboard now. The fact that you are so scared of his behavior over such a trivial thing should open your eyes that he is controlling you through fear. Which is NOT OKAY.

Interesting. I recently got out of a 28 year marriage to my controlling husband. He used to to get things for our house without consulting me that I hated. The worst being a £2,700 painting that was about 4’ x 5’ and hung in our living room .....I detested it and had to look at it every day for 10 years.

Fucking hell

Not being allowed to buy even a tea towel would make me immediately go out and buy some!

No wonder you feel numb - you can't relax, you can't enjoy your home.

I'd be seriously reconsidering this arrangement if he is unwilling to compromise

You don't mention any DC @Amie1234 . Do you have any/plans for any? I would be seriously concerned about trying to raise a child with someone acting the way your OH is. Being able to compromise is part of a healthy relationship and an essential life skill. Instead of dealing with the issue (different tastes in decor) you've found a work around but it doesn't actually work as a compromise, it just allows one person to be me me me if they choose to be. Try and translate this to a DC issue and have a think about how that might end. It would end up with a child stuck being piggy in the middle of you caving because you understand that would be wrong. It's time to sit DP down and have a full and frank conversation about why you not being able to pick and pay for a toilet brush is all kinds of wrong.

It's just these streaks that he's developing that ring alarm bells.

It's how it starts, it's usually a slow chipping away at you.

The fact that you feel confused and spaghetti-headed, and that you're constantly trying to think about what might set him off - these are all red flags 🚩 🚩 🚩. You shouldn't feel like that in a normal loving relationship.

Of course he's lovely much of the time, but look at what the relationship is doing to you - you're losing confidence, you're treading on eggshells, you're anxious about how he'll react and constantly questioning yourself.

You're also taking the lion's share of the housework, you're doing all your rooms, yet he's doing very little but kicking off about every tiny thing you do.

You're not a team, you're the workhorse and emotional punchbag, and this will get worse. Fgs don't have kids with him.

@Amie1234

I agree totally with @category12.

Your partner is now showing HUGE red flags ! And you are second guessing yourself and treading on eggshells so you don't upset him !

This is not normal behavior in a loving relationship !

You need to stop bending to his will !

He'll 'get angry' if you buy a pillow for your bed ?
Off you trot to buy one ! When he gets 'upset' tell him to fucking well grow up ! You are not going to stop buying what you want for your own bloody house ! And if he doesn't like it ? Then off you fuck !

This will NOT get better by you pandering to him and his wants/needs/anger. All you'll be doing by pandering to him is effectively saying he's right to get angry ffs ! That you have done something 'wrong'

It will only stop if you MAKE IT CRYSTAL CLEAR that YOU WON'T PUT UP WITH IT.

While you're at it laying down the new 'ground rules', you'd better tackle the unfair workload you've found yourself with too.
You both own the house, you both live in the house. You both eat. Therefore all cooking/cleaning/shopping/laundry etc is done 50/50 ! Always.

Not being "allowed" to buy a toilet brush for a house you jointly own is such a crazy notion it should stop you in your tracks and make you look long and hard at what is going on

Your partner sounds as if he might be having a mental health crisis, so I can see why you'd hesitate to leave on the strength of his recent irrational behaviour of it might be a passing aberration he can get help for.

It does seem as if he could benefit from some professional help. This detailed level of control over household purchases is neither normal nor healthy. Does he function alright at work? Does his job involve interacting with people at all? How is his need to micromanage impacting on his work?

Because if he can resist the urge to do it there, he's choosing to do it at home, you realise.

It isn't a situation you can reasonably be expected to accept, whatever the cause.

Agree that it doesn’t really seem to be about the decor. I wonder what home ownership has brought up for him? Did he have to share space a lot growing up, for example? He seems to be very literal about ‘his’ rooms - actually you both use them so they are ‘yours’ - and I get the point re your tastes, but inability to compromise is potentially a big issue. Is it the laziness that made you so fed up you just got on with buying things? If so, a few conversations about shared responsibilities seem in order.

So, if you were out shopping in the supermarket, say, or John Lewis, for example, could you randomly pick up some kitchen utensils - chopping boards, sieves, spatulas etc - without discussing it with him or would that lead to an argument too?

When my DH and I bought our first house together, we had a few issues along the lines you describe. Previously we had been together 4.5 years during which he had mainly visited me at the house I owned (not married then). We did have some arguments (our first) over decor etc and I found it hard to start with. Because I'd had my own place, he hadn't really had a say in what I did with it (though I asked his advice) and I'd been used to having things as I wanted them.

However, we did work it out and over the years develop understanding and agreement on what we liked. I still wouldn't buy, say a set of cutlery or cushions without checking if he liked them - out of respect, not fear - but wouldn't worry about things that went in cupboards etc. Also we know each other's tastes so well now, that we can second guess the other's likely choice anyway.

It sounds like the house has triggered something in your partner though, if he wasn't like this in the past. It's also ridiculous for a couple to maintain completely different tastes in decor- you need to learn to compromise and come to a decision about style you can both find acceptable.

Sounds like you need some proper conversations about all this, possibly with a counsellor because it sounds untenable. (Unless he is just very controlling and you haven't been bothered by it / noticed in the past?)

OP,
You sound so lovely but this is very concerning.

I 100% agree with @category12, you are nervous, afraid, and walking on eggshells which has all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship.

You can't believe this is happening and probably don't want to believe it, but this IS where you are.

You do all the cooking but cannot buy knives and forks.

As @aquamarine1029 of asks, what was YOUR upbringing like because what he is imposing on you is batshit and most woman wouldn't entertain it at all.

I find it very hard to believe that he hasn't exhibited hints of this before.

For you to be so anxious of upsetting him, having been together for 10 years is not the hallmark of 10 healthy years.

For you to help yourself here, you need to be honest with yourself first.

Lots of posters start threads on MN with one "tiny little issue and everything else is perfect", however the longer they post the more they find the scales falling from their eyes and joining the dots.

This is NOT a man you want to have children with.

If you do something he doesn't agree with, how does he behave?

Can you and do YOU say NO to things?

How does he behave when you say NO?

The answer to these questions are very important.

Keep posting

I think the division of the rooms is a problem (assuming that dividing up the rooms by person is a good idea, which is, no, it's just not). You aren't allowed to buy anything for the kitchen or bathroom but it sounds like you are the one who does the housework? How are you supposed to clean the toilet without a toilet brush? How are you supposed to do the dishes without teatowels? This seems like a way to exert control over YOU. You will have to ask his permission before small decisions that are essential for you to run your home. That is insane.

Likewise on his getting the main bedroom. You can't even buy a cushion for your own bedroom? Ridiculous. You get the stairs, but not the cupboard under the stairs (even Harry Potter got THAT!) Do you get the wall beside the stairs, or just the stairs themselves? And the box room? Does anyone even go in there? Are you basically decorating a storage room? Well, I suppose that could be an advantage, at least you'll be able to organise decent storage space for yourself! Maybe you can hide some teatowels in a box in there.

Jeez Amie1234,

I couldn't live a day like you do. He's fucking nuts. As a previous poster mentioned, If my OH picks up anything for the house I'm glad I didn't have to go shopping with her for it

And all this his/her rooms is complete and utter madness. You share a house and need to learn to communicate, unlike him who needs to dominate. He's very territorial and it's only going to get worse. Let a dog get territorial, and it's a losing game. For you.

I may discuss with my OH if I see something big/unusual that I would like but smaller things would never, ever be an issue.

If I was you I would seriously reconsider your relationship moving forward. You say he has his good points, but it all seems to come at a cost (to you). You're already on eggshells about a cleaning container for fucks say! I picked up a box for our cleaning stuff and never gave it a thought, just didn't want the stuff lying around everywhere, made sense.

What's going to happen when/if you have children? Are you going to gree on how they are raised/looked after? Or doing what he says?

agree not gree!

These are the boundaries that I'm learning

They're not "boundaries", they're the bridle one breaks in a horse to tolerate. He's putting you in bridle. Do you want that for your life? Your future children's lives?

OP, I repeat, he's breaking you in like a captured horse. Mull on that and decide whether you think the normal future for a woman in 2021 is total control and ownership by a man.

What he's doing to you is a pattern of controlling behaviour known as coercive control and that is now a crime considered so serious by our society that it is punishable by imprisonment. Remember that next time he minimises his criminal behaviour towards you.

Well this is madness. I think the power has gone to his head. If you're going to divide the rooms like this then I think in 'your' rooms you should get to choose big furniture items and I guess wall and floor coverings? Everything else should be both of yours surely? I don't think it being 'your' room means you get to dictate every single item that's in there. Are your clothes going to be allowed into 'his' bedroom? Can he choose which ones?

He's very controlling.
He's got the kitchen, a room you use most as you say you do the cooking, so he will impose his taste on all your cooking tools. I like to cook using certain pots, spoons etc, so now he's controlling this.
He's got the utility room, so does he do all the washing, or the majority of it. I would want to organize all the utility cupboards and buy baskets boxes that suit me if I did all the washing.
He's got the master bedroom, this one needs to be joint. You should be equals in this room.
I'd have the argument someone earlier suggested. But also ask. Do you want our relationship to survive? Do you want us to break up and go our seperate ways? Because your behaviour and controlling nasty ways are driving me away.
I actually said this to Dh after Ds2 was born, he looked devistated. Went quiet for a while and bucked up his ideas and got back to he usual lovely self.