Haunted by the past

[SkeletonsFromThePast]

I really need a place to process this.

I had abusive childhood. I get it. I've had therapy and I understand it was my parents, their own experiences and inadequacies. I get that. My dad was physically abusive and I was terrified of him growing up. My mum was emotionally abusive and that continued until I cut contact with her 10 years ago.

I've not been able to recover. I've had therapy so many times. Different types, different therapists. And nothing has helped.

Throughout my childhood, my dad ignored emotionally. there was nothing at all. No relationship. I understand why. Physical abuse happened because he was unhappy and frustrated in his marriage as was my mum. They should never have been together - both settled, completely different people.

I was not the daughter she wanted. I wasn't pretty, I wasn't girly. I was outspoken and defiant, challenging and intelligent and she told me no one would ever love me or want me. She was right. She criticised every aspect of appearance and personality. I don't think she liked anything about me.

I became pregnant when I was 23. The relationship was abusive. I had no choice but to.love back home but I wasn't wanted there and, when I was in hospital having.my son, my mother arranged for me.to go into a social services run mother amd baby home. It's only occurred to me in the past few years that I don't know how she managed it. The other residents were drugs addicts, on the CP register themselves, care leavers, undertaking parenting assessments. I didn't fit. The only thing 'wrong' was that nobody loved me.and nobody cared. I was threatened with violence, my child was threatened, I had my things stolen. I've never ecovered from it.

I'm now 46. It was half my lifetime ago but I feel stuck and trapped.

Since then, I've had a second child. I got a degree, became a teacher, brought my two children up largely singlehandedly. But I can't escape it. Put one through university.

I feel unworthy. Unlovable. I feel trapped here because of my children. I've had hobbies, made friends - created a facsimile of a 'normal life' (eg a career, taking the children to clubs and hobbies etc) but the lack of love and the lack of support has impacted terribly. I'm just a hollow shell.

I struggle at work - I doubt my competence and it doesn't occur to me to ask for help when I'm struggling. I do temp contracts because I can't let people.get that close to me or to see the real me.

I can't form personal relationships. I've never been loved. I've never had a long term relationship. I really struggle.to take friendships beyond the superficial. I've been told I'm distant and push people away but, when I try not to, people put up barriers to keep me away. I can see it. I'm not stupid but I can't work out what I'm doing wrong either.

I feel like I'm treading water, drifting through life until death. I've clearly tried to overcome it. I went to university when eldest was 2 and got a first class degree. I trained as a teacher when my youngest was 1 and passed my training and induction year without hitch.

I can be disciplined - I've lost weight, stuck to hobbies for several years, I've taken on personal challenges but it all feels so fragile and transient - like I'm playing a game.

I don't have any stability in my life. No permanent job, no relationship, my friendships are also transient, I rent.

If I had the option to walk through a door now and never have existed, I'd walk through without consideration.

I'm lost, I'm lonely, I'm broken. I'm drowning and I don't know what to do anymore

This was such a sad read. I don't know you but I can't accept that you are a hollowed out shell. You are a person who has overcome an abusive childhood. You have created a family. You have created a career.

There are things you are afraid of and mostly, you are afraid to be you, I think. You say you have had therapy, but I wonder if you need different therapy and to focus on a few aspects of your life so far. You seem to crave stability but shy away from it, even though you have worked so hard to get it. You crave deeper friendships and relationships. That will be possible, but it's your fear of being you that needs to be worked on by a competent and experienced therapist. Counselling may not reach the areas you need. I really hope a therapy expert can respond. As one human to another though, I just know you are not an empty shell. You are reaching out; you want to be you

Just want to say you sound amazing, genuinely amazing. You have shown stellar strength and character.

It’s horribly unfair that you had to endure that childhood. But you have achieved so much and are more than able to keep developing your ability to love yourself. You have the courage.

If things always feel the same and you feel stuck, trying to do one thing differently every day, however small, is a good place to start.

Oh and change your self talk even if it feels like forced inauthentic bullshit - force yourself to say positive things about/to yourself. Marissa Peer is restful to listen to on YouTube - you may find it trite but it is helpful.

Have more therapy, even just to keep talking, to keep thinking out loud, keep engaging. And for support.

OP
I could have written parts of your post.
I spent my childhood being verbally abused, neglected, resented. Your comment on ' treading water until death' resonated.

I used to have hope that things would feel better, that I would feel like a proper, deserving human being some day, but I don't. I'm not sure when the hope went away, but it did.
I think though, that I am only now clearly seeing the depth of my 'damage'. I'm seeing how I have contributed to my lack of relationships, the fronts I have erected and the people I have chosen to surround myself with. I think this complete clarity is ' rock bottom' for people like us- people who are resilient and functional. It could be so much worse.
I'm hoping that this knowledge is power, and I can use it to keep moving forward
At the moment, I'm concentrating on my kids, my pets, my house. I know that the next step is to try to love and accept myself. I hope you can too
💐

Hi I’m new on hear I’m a man not sure if any men are on here I need some prospective on a situation, I need some advice assistance about a situation I’m struggling with I’m not sure what to do and feeling down at the moment , how do I start a thread take it easy on me please

Thanks.That's the problem though.

I don't want to do more therapy. I don't want to try any more. I don't want to feel like I getting somewhere only to end up back where I started.

I'm tired of it all. I'm just weary.

Well then OP
Don't do therapy now. Rest where you are. You've spent a great deal of time pushing forward, it's ok to be tired

@Spartan20

Hi I’m new on hear I’m a man not sure if any men are on here I need some prospective on a situation, I need some advice assistance about a situation I’m struggling with I’m not sure what to do and feeling down at the moment , how do I start a thread take it easy on me please

Find the Topics section. Locate the topic most relevant, and click "New Thread" ( or similar)

Thanks I’ll have a look

Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I wasn't as badly treated by a long way (e.g. I'm fairly sure my mum would not have put me in a mother and baby home) but what you say about having every aspect of yourself criticised as a child, and the emotional distance, resonates loud and clear with me, as does how perniciously it damages your self esteem growing up thinking there is something intrinsically wrong with you, and the feelings of unworthiness and being unloveable.

I would love for you to be able to start believing that the criticism you received is not valid. Ballsy, strong, smart younger you sounded great and as an adult, you have achieved loads under your own steam. You have every right to enjoy your successes- career, social and family- without diminishing them and thinking they are worthless just because they're yours. I also know how hard this is.

I don't have any solutions I'm afraid, especially as you are feeling therapy-ed out for now, but when I was at my lowest, I found that I kept going by just doing one thing for myself each day. In my case it was chipping away at retraining but yours could be simple self care, talking to other people, your children, even taking a day off from any obligations and just allowing yourself to relax. As I say, not a great deal of use probably, just wanted you to know you're not alone with your feelings

Thank you. I know the criticisms weren't valid and that what she said about was more about her than me but I never heard anything good about myself so I don't know what good points are and I can't trust or accept it if people.say nice things to me because there's nowhere to put the in my head. They're just lost.

I've tried so hard. I've faked confidence, I've forced myself to not let it hold me back but it does and I'm still getting it wrong. My children tell me they love me but they do so because I'm their mum. They don't love me because they've seen something special in me like a friend or partner might.

I don't have the confidence to take on a permanent job in case they don't want me once they've employed me but they can't do anything about it. So, although I'm professionally qualified, I don't really have a 'career'. Financially, I'm barely getting by and in a very different position to my friends. None of them know.

I've tried to make sure my children don't miss out but they inevitably have and I feel so guilty for having had them.

They are desperate for me to have a boyfriend. I tell them that I enjoy being single and it's not a priority for me but the truth is that no one ever wants me. No one has ever fallen in love with me. I used to be so full of hope but now I'm just jaded and sad.

Your children know your worth: listen to them.

OP, no wonder you’re weary. Have a therapy break for sure. Maybe just try to approach one aspect - perhaps career - and rethink it objectively. Advise yourself as you would someone else. Take a small risk and see. You are worthy of having everything you need and more.

Listen to your children and learn from them

My eldest is an adult and my youngest is an older teen. If they were enough to sort this out, it would have happened by now.

OP, I think you can’t accept nice things people say about you because they conflict with the “core beliefs” in your head.
We all have these deep seated beliefs, shaped by our upbringing, and yours have been conditioned by your abusive mother.
Your core beliefs seem to be “I am unlovable and worthless” - and you need specific therapy aimed at challenging and changing those beliefs, replacing them with positive ones.
Look at the evidence - you have a degree, a career and children who love you. That is so far from being worthless and unloveable, it’s ridiculous to even attach the label! But you need help and support to see this.
I went through therapy for similar (although less severe) childhood abuse. My therapist got me to write out my core beliefs and put two columns of evidence for and against them. It became obvious that they were unfounded. He then gave me a positive mantra to say every day: “I am loving, I am loved, I am able”.
It may sound rather hippy woo, and embarrassing to chant it to myself, and at first I was saying it without believing it. But over time, it worked. I no longer see myself as worthless. I believe that my adult DC genuinely mean it when they tell me they love me and want to see me.
You can be helped, and there is every reason to believe that you can overcome your early conditioning and have a confident happy future. I wish you well on your journey - and I think being able to describe your problem so clearly here on MN is a good first step.

The last poster mentioned challenging those core beliefs. Acceptance and commitment therapy is fantastic for that. I've had it myself and it helped change a huge portion of my life. The counsellor gave me a book called the happiness trap. Don't be put off by the glib title, it is really useful and explains why our brains do what they do. Gives very useful directive advice.

Your parents are c*nts.

They were extremely poor parents- failures as parents.

That isn't your fault.

You were unfortunate to be born to them, end of story.

Some people are born to lovely, kind parents.. some people are born to evil parents who abuse (and sometimes even kill them) and everything in between.

You have achieved a huge amount for someone who was born to parents who stand towards the wrong end of that scale.

It's not you, it's them.

You are perfectly capable of a permanent teaching job, you're as good (or bad!) as anyone else.

There's no point basing your "loveability" on the behaviour of people who don't really love anyone (but themselves).

Re meeting a partner, that's a numbers game.

It's definitely harder when you're older and the majority of people are not single, and the men who who are, are often single for significant reason.

(Before a poster says .. is that the same for the single women; mo, obviously not. Are women men? No.).

Just pointing out as dunno if it's been said yet but 'physical abuse happened because he was unhappy and frustrated with my mum'. No it didn't. It happened because he was an abusive asshole.

Can you see that you've already put ownership of abuse onto the victim of abuse here? Ok, she was a dick too, but that's neither hear nor there. The point I'm making is that you, even right back then, were not giving people who were horrible ownership of their own behaviour. I suspect you might be internalizing all of the cruelty that has happened to you as if its somehow your fault. You may be carrying guilt and shame with you and that is stopping you moving forwards or feeling happy with what you have achieved. Stopping you feeling 'good enough'.

You are enough. Just you. Your kids do love you, the hows and what dont matter. I never even thought about whether or not I liked my parents as ppl until adulthood. And if you're a decent person, I don't see why they wouldn't.

Job wise, perhaps you could join a tempting agencies to help you build up confidence. If one place doesn't like you, it's highly unlikely they'll sack you as they only needed you a few months anyway. Then you're on to the next one.

It seems you've done a lot of work and tried a lot of things, you've done a good job raising your 2 children.
There's been some great suggestions here.
Just to add that some people find solace in religion - be it Christianity, Buddhism, Islam etc... It works for some and they're able to find themselves and love themselves.
You are not worthless at all..
If you're able to save a little money go on holiday and be a little selfish.
I hope you find the right help, I believe you will.

Thanks.

My parents both had their sad backgrounds.

My dad grew up in poverty with his mother after his dad died when he was a very young child. He had no positive contact with other adults as a child and his mother was a very cold, affectionless woman (who was obviously struggling herself with numerous low paid menial jobs and no support network and having been widowed young). My mother had a serious accident when she was a teenager and was left with minor but impactful disabilities. She was very loved though and an only child who her parents idolised. She settled for my dad. He didn't know any better. And felt trapped by a life she had chosen but was dissatisfied by.

The abuse came mainly from my mother. It was insidious. She mocked and put my dad down too. It doesn't excuse what he did but he apologised to me once and said he wished he'd understood and known differently and he thought he was just doing what a dad did. He remarried and had further children and never so much as raised his voice to them. My mother was angry and bitter and hated the world. I've overcome the physical stuff and my dad and I went on to have a reasonable relationship during the last 10 years of his life. He was largely supportive but there was no love there. Not for me anyway.

My mother was open about the fact she didn't love me. Everyone knew. She felt embarrassed and ashamed of me and deliberately sabotaged me on many occasions. She resented my successes because they countered her narrative that I was only a negative so she sabotaged where she could and criticised, minimised and lied where she couldn't. Eg told people I was only successful in my degree because she babysat so often and I got my then best friend to write my essays! She never babysat and I got a higher class of degree than my friend. He proof read my dissertation for clarity, sense and errors as I was writing it whilst being the single parent of a toddler and had cripplingly low self confidence at the time.

I had to go no contact with my mum because her hatred of me spilled into how she regarded my children and she eventually put them at risk of harm. The police and SS were briefly involved where no contact was agreed. They haven't seen her since and have no desire too.

Well other than one occasion where she unwittingly went into my son's place of work and approached him. She upset him so much with what she said but his workplace were brilliant. He told me afterwards that he had never doubted what I'd told him about her but, having experienced it for a brief period first hand, he was left intimidated, upset and shaking. She wasn't even nasty to him but the emotional manipulation was strong and she clearly didn't realise he and I would have a very different relationship to hers and mine. She essentially took the brief exchange to play the victim and attempt to sabotage mine and his relationship with lies that he fortunately realised were lies. She didn't even ask him how he was or say it was nice to see him or what a wonderful young man he'd grown into. It was all nasty poison.

I know my children like and love me but I've no experience of love. I don't know how they feel. I only felt fear, shame and guilt growing up.

I became hugely self conscious. I tried to take up as little space in the world as possible. I had a very intimidating alternative image as a teen and beyond because I wanted to keep people away from me. I'd spent so long being told I was worthless etc that I didn't want other people to get close and see it too whilst at the same time craving love and acceptance.

I've done cbt type stuff - writing down my core beliefs and evidence for and against. I can see it. Logically, it makes sense but emotionally, well its hard to explain, there isn't a lot of evidence against them. The ones there is evidence against for, well I probably have changed some of those over the years. But some - such as being unlovable and unworthy etc well there isn't much evidence against that. Not when it comes to people outside of my children.

My children are amazing. The eldest moved out of home earlier this year to live with a flatmate (all covid safe!). He's just completed his degree with a 2:1. He has never caused me a day's bother or trouble. My daughter is in the middle of her GCSEs. Both of them have been commended by school and their friends' parents for their kindness, compassion and emotional intelligence/maturity. I definitely got them right. I might not have provided the lifestyles and opportunities their friends had but I gave them safety, warmth and unconditional love. I parented with empathy as I grew up with none.

I've done supply teaching for years interspersed with year long fixed term contracts. I've just left one where I genuinely believe I was liked and had the opportunity to apply for another job there to stay but I didn't apply. I felt so far out of comfort zone with the positivity and 'love' that it was quite overwhelming and I was scared of disappointing them in the future.

I've been involved with a man for nearly 2 years. We started off dating but I ended it because I couldn't cope. My mental health took a massive nosedive, I had huge fear of abandonment and inadequacy. I saw red flags in everything. We stayed friends and eventually fell into something more. Essentially, it looks like a relationship and we behave like, and other people treat us as, a couple. Except that it isn't one.

Sadly, it's the longest thing I've ever been in. And it looks more like I imagine a relationship to look than anything else I've ever had. But it has only been in the past 6 months that I have started to feel truly relaxed and comfortable with him and begun to let my barriers down.

I think I'm feeling the past so much at the moment because I know I can't continue with what I have with him. Because everyday it just reinforces the idea that I'm not good enough and I'm not loved. But he's also a huge part of my life. He's really the only person I spend any meaningful time with. He treats me well, he is supportive and kind. He is respectful and thoughtful. he just doesn't love and I know that, at some point, he will meet someone, or want to meet someone, he does love.
Sorry my messages are all so long. There's just so much in my head.

Fly222

Funnily enough, I've just been away for the weekend on my own. It was lovely and I felt really free of all this headstuff. But I came home and back into it and it feels worse than ever.

I feel very sad reading your post @SkeletonsFromThePast. I know what it's like coming from an emotionally abusive, dysfunctional family. You sound like a wonderfully thoughtful, reflective and bright woman. It's a credit to you that you've managed to break the mould to become a loving functional mother.

I was lucky that therapy worked for me. I hear what you're saying about not wanting to do it again and I do understand but I wonder if you've ever tried group therapy. Getting the support and feedback from others and creating intimate connections in a safe environment can be very healing. I found it life changing.

It really, really fucks me off that you've had lots of therapy (and you are obviously intelligent) and no one has actually explained what core beliefs are, where they come from and how you can challenge them.

Read this article Hopefully it will explain what your therapists have singularly failed to do.