I really need a place to process this.
I had abusive childhood. I get it. I've had therapy and I understand it was my parents, their own experiences and inadequacies. I get that. My dad was physically abusive and I was terrified of him growing up. My mum was emotionally abusive and that continued until I cut contact with her 10 years ago.
I've not been able to recover. I've had therapy so many times. Different types, different therapists. And nothing has helped.
Throughout my childhood, my dad ignored emotionally. there was nothing at all. No relationship. I understand why. Physical abuse happened because he was unhappy and frustrated in his marriage as was my mum. They should never have been together - both settled, completely different people.
I was not the daughter she wanted. I wasn't pretty, I wasn't girly. I was outspoken and defiant, challenging and intelligent and she told me no one would ever love me or want me. She was right. She criticised every aspect of appearance and personality. I don't think she liked anything about me.
I became pregnant when I was 23. The relationship was abusive. I had no choice but to.love back home but I wasn't wanted there and, when I was in hospital having.my son, my mother arranged for me.to go into a social services run mother amd baby home. It's only occurred to me in the past few years that I don't know how she managed it. The other residents were drugs addicts, on the CP register themselves, care leavers, undertaking parenting assessments. I didn't fit. The only thing 'wrong' was that nobody loved me.and nobody cared. I was threatened with violence, my child was threatened, I had my things stolen. I've never ecovered from it.
I'm now 46. It was half my lifetime ago but I feel stuck and trapped.
Since then, I've had a second child. I got a degree, became a teacher, brought my two children up largely singlehandedly. But I can't escape it. Put one through university.
I feel unworthy. Unlovable. I feel trapped here because of my children. I've had hobbies, made friends - created a facsimile of a 'normal life' (eg a career, taking the children to clubs and hobbies etc) but the lack of love and the lack of support has impacted terribly. I'm just a hollow shell.
I struggle at work - I doubt my competence and it doesn't occur to me to ask for help when I'm struggling. I do temp contracts because I can't let people.get that close to me or to see the real me.
I can't form personal relationships. I've never been loved. I've never had a long term relationship. I really struggle.to take friendships beyond the superficial. I've been told I'm distant and push people away but, when I try not to, people put up barriers to keep me away. I can see it. I'm not stupid but I can't work out what I'm doing wrong either.
I feel like I'm treading water, drifting through life until death. I've clearly tried to overcome it. I went to university when eldest was 2 and got a first class degree. I trained as a teacher when my youngest was 1 and passed my training and induction year without hitch.
I can be disciplined - I've lost weight, stuck to hobbies for several years, I've taken on personal challenges but it all feels so fragile and transient - like I'm playing a game.
I don't have any stability in my life. No permanent job, no relationship, my friendships are also transient, I rent.
If I had the option to walk through a door now and never have existed, I'd walk through without consideration.
I'm lost, I'm lonely, I'm broken. I'm drowning and I don't know what to do anymore