Haunted by the past

[SkeletonsFromThePast]

I really need a place to process this.

I had abusive childhood. I get it. I've had therapy and I understand it was my parents, their own experiences and inadequacies. I get that. My dad was physically abusive and I was terrified of him growing up. My mum was emotionally abusive and that continued until I cut contact with her 10 years ago.

I've not been able to recover. I've had therapy so many times. Different types, different therapists. And nothing has helped.

Throughout my childhood, my dad ignored emotionally. there was nothing at all. No relationship. I understand why. Physical abuse happened because he was unhappy and frustrated in his marriage as was my mum. They should never have been together - both settled, completely different people.

I was not the daughter she wanted. I wasn't pretty, I wasn't girly. I was outspoken and defiant, challenging and intelligent and she told me no one would ever love me or want me. She was right. She criticised every aspect of appearance and personality. I don't think she liked anything about me.

I became pregnant when I was 23. The relationship was abusive. I had no choice but to.love back home but I wasn't wanted there and, when I was in hospital having.my son, my mother arranged for me.to go into a social services run mother amd baby home. It's only occurred to me in the past few years that I don't know how she managed it. The other residents were drugs addicts, on the CP register themselves, care leavers, undertaking parenting assessments. I didn't fit. The only thing 'wrong' was that nobody loved me.and nobody cared. I was threatened with violence, my child was threatened, I had my things stolen. I've never ecovered from it.

I'm now 46. It was half my lifetime ago but I feel stuck and trapped.

Since then, I've had a second child. I got a degree, became a teacher, brought my two children up largely singlehandedly. But I can't escape it. Put one through university.

I feel unworthy. Unlovable. I feel trapped here because of my children. I've had hobbies, made friends - created a facsimile of a 'normal life' (eg a career, taking the children to clubs and hobbies etc) but the lack of love and the lack of support has impacted terribly. I'm just a hollow shell.

I struggle at work - I doubt my competence and it doesn't occur to me to ask for help when I'm struggling. I do temp contracts because I can't let people.get that close to me or to see the real me.

I can't form personal relationships. I've never been loved. I've never had a long term relationship. I really struggle.to take friendships beyond the superficial. I've been told I'm distant and push people away but, when I try not to, people put up barriers to keep me away. I can see it. I'm not stupid but I can't work out what I'm doing wrong either.

I feel like I'm treading water, drifting through life until death. I've clearly tried to overcome it. I went to university when eldest was 2 and got a first class degree. I trained as a teacher when my youngest was 1 and passed my training and induction year without hitch.

I can be disciplined - I've lost weight, stuck to hobbies for several years, I've taken on personal challenges but it all feels so fragile and transient - like I'm playing a game.

I don't have any stability in my life. No permanent job, no relationship, my friendships are also transient, I rent.

If I had the option to walk through a door now and never have existed, I'd walk through without consideration.

I'm lost, I'm lonely, I'm broken. I'm drowning and I don't know what to do anymore

Gorganzolabrie

I have done group therapy and found it to be much more useful than individual. There were moments when we'd all share our pain and.times when we'd spurn each other on and other times where we just found humour in the situation.

I found sharing within a group far better than the client/therapist dynamic of most therapy.

However, I have found that it all helped at the time but none of it has 'stuck'. I can't trust that the new stuff is more reliable than the old. I can't believe on it - I don't know if it's reliable.

OP, I am seeing some little green shoots of healthier self belief in your latest update.
You have managed to state a truth - that you did a good job of raising your children, that you did it with love and empathy, you have broken the cycle of abuse, your children do not carry the emotional scars that you do.
That truth contradicts all the negative core stuff - you cannot simultaneously be a worthless unlovable person and a good loving parent.
That is a start, and you can build on it.
Secondly, you are running away from happiness and approval, both professionally and in your relationship!
I think being loved and respected panics you, because it clashes with your core belief and threatens to undermine it. You feel comfortable in your feeling of worthlessness because it’s familiar. You won’t risk accepting love in case it is taken away again, you don’t trust it to last. This insecurity can be overcome, and you can learn to trust, but it takes time, emotional “work” on yourself, and patience. Please at least believe that it is possible. And start by praising yourself every day for your great parenting skills, which you had to find all by yourself with no decent role model - all that empathy and love came from YOU, nobody else. Cherish yourself and your skills. (That’s an order, OP!)

Just found for you.

Thank you. I know the criticisms weren't valid and that what she said about was more about her than me but I never heard anything good about myself so I don't know what good points are and I can't trust or accept it if people.say nice things to me because there's nowhere to put the in my head. They're just lost.

Put it in a scrap book then. I love scrapbooks. Start one on how fabulous you are. Write down all the complements you get given. You could draw a huge flower and put one compliment on each petal. When it gets full up just draw another one. Take photos of all your best outfits and your fun days out with your DC. Put your certificates in there. Put in your DC achievements maybe, because that's partly because you brought them up well giving them the best chance to succeed. Make a list of your good personality traits. If you don't know what they are ask others around you. In time it will get filled up and you'll have a whole book filled with positivity about how great you are which might cheer you up a bit when you're feeling down.

However, I have found that it all helped at the time but none of it has 'stuck'. I can't trust that the new stuff is more reliable than the old. I can't believe on it - I don't know if it's reliable.

Trust is not always based on evidence, sometimes it comes down to needing to trust and making a conscious decision to take a leap of faith and trust, whilst hoping for the best.

don't have the confidence to take on a permanent job in case they don't want me once they've employed me but they can't do anything about it.

You don't need to take responsibility for someone else's potential mistake. If they make a mistake in employing you, that's their feelings to deal with, it's not your problem.

They are desperate for me to have a boyfriend. I tell them that I enjoy being single and it's not a priority for me but the truth is that no one ever wants me. No one has ever fallen in love with me.

Because you won't let them fall in love with you? They can't fall in love with someone they don't know and can't see because you've hidden yourself behind a huge protective (but isolating) wall. For someone to know you you have to truly show up and be present mentally not just physically, if you're emotionally unavailable it's like a door locked and bolted keeping their love out. It comes with a risk that you'll be hurt and experience heartbreak but you have to decide to accept that if you want to be open to love. The opposite end of that is being needy and clingy (which people run from). You want to be somewhere in the middle.

I agree with one of the above comments, you have done amazingly. No need to push yourself have a rest and reset x

You don't need to take responsibility for someone else's potential mistake. If they make a mistake in employing you, that's their feelings to deal with, it's not your problem.

Intellectually, I understand that. Emotionally, I'd struggle to go into work every day knowing people disliked me or thought I was crap at my job or whatever.

Because you won't let them fall in love with you?

It comes with a risk that you'll be hurt and experience heartbreak but you have to decide to accept that if you want to be open to love

I don't think it's ever even been on the cards tbh. This man is the only one who has ever said he felt I was keeping him out and the only one who has ever stuck around and tried. However, whilst I know he cares about me, I also know he doesn't love me and hasn't fallen in love with me.

Trust is not always based on evidence, sometimes it comes down to needing to trust and making a conscious decision to take a leap of faith and trust, whilst hoping for the best.

I find that very difficult to reconcile. My trust that it will hurt if I'm stung by a wasp is based upon the evidence that it hurt when ive been stung by a wasp! Likewise my trust that the sun will rise tomorrow; heavy traffic will result in a longer journey time and that raw tomatoes and cheese will burn the roof of my mouth. Likewise, I just trust and accept that someone won't love because no one ever has.

Sarahlou63

Thank you for the article and the video. I've read/watched them both. I'll do so again later and do the exercises they suggest

Christ. You sound like an incredible woman.

I relate to a lot of what you say OP, although my feelings of worthlessness come from my mother's massive inferiority complex which she generously passed on to all of her children: "People like us don't go to the theatre", "We're not the sort that goes to university?", "What's the point in learning to drive?" She was genuinely confused when I learned to drive aged 18. She was a single parent and we never had a car growing up. She would actually refer to us all as peasants!

This has had a massive effect on all of us as adults. I relate so much to you pushing people away, not wanting to get comfortable in a relationship or workplace because at some point you will be rumbled as not who they thought you were, not worthy. I've had many jobs.

I had a few relationships that started out quite promising but I always pushed them away. My husband was different in that he wouldn't let me push him away - he clung on for dear life, like a rodeo rider, as I tried to shake him off ! He's still clinging on 35 years later.

In my 40s I decided to go to university. I was so nervous and thought I would be shown up for the imposter I am. It was so bad that, when we had our introductory session in the lecture theatre, another staff member came in to speak to the lecturer and I was sure they were talking about me and were going to ask me to leave. I felt like a spotlight was shining on me and everyone knew I shouldn't be there. I graduated with first class honours, but felt like I was winging it the whole time I was there.

What has changed things for me latterly, and I know you said you're done with therapy but bear with me, is training as a therapist, specifically an emotional therapeutic counsellor. The most revelatory aspects of which involved meditation, which I have found very helpful, and 'inner child' therapy. I was skeptical at first, but it really has been a game changer for me. It sounds strange I know, but it involves the adult you reparenting the child you; nurturing the inner child and giving it that acceptance, unconditional positive regard, love and support that were lacking in childhood. One of our set books was "Recovery of Your Inner Child" by Lucia Carpaccioni, which I would recommend, but ideally you need a therapist to guide you. As a group, many of us found that aspect of training particularly powerful, and many tears were shed. I understand you preferring group therapy as it was lovely to have the support of the group to explore such sensitive issues. I'm not claiming I'm healed, cured, whatever, but I have definitely found an inner peace and an acceptance of myself, and also the understanding that I am a good person worthy of love and respect.

There are so many awful people in the world who go around believing they're great. Look at Trump, he thinks he's amazing. We all know people with huge egos but who are actually selfish and thoughtless, and yet here you are, a decent, hardworking woman, a loving mother with two well balanced children who love you (that doesn't happen by accident and isn't a given - I don't love my mother), and you don't believe yourself to be worthy of love. You, the coworker that the other staff members like and respect at school, are worthy of that positive regard. It's not a fluke, it's not a false impression - they see you as you are. The man you are dating, he's not looking for someone else to love, he's accepting you for who you are. He may feel you hold back some of yourself, but he obviously wants to be with you.

It's been a few years since I did my therapist training (I don't practice) and I've forgotten much of it, but things I remember include examining our strengths and frailties (not weaknesses). My dominant frailty was 'avoidance' ie. running away. We learnt that frailties are usually a strength that is pushed too far, overused. Like me, you learned in childhood that to protect yourself from your parents' emotional cruelty you had to detach. This was a strength - steeling yourself against hurt. It was self-preservation. Sadly that emotional detachment, that protected you in childhood, has become a frailty in adult life.

I was approaching 50 when I undertook the emotional therapy training that changed my life, so please don't think there is no hope and how you are now is how you will always be. Go easy on yourself, you are a good and worthy person.

My trust that it will hurt if I'm stung by a wasp is based upon the evidence that it hurt when I've been stung by a wasp! Likewise my trust that the sun will rise tomorrow; heavy traffic will result in a longer journey time and that raw tomatoes and cheese will burn the roof of my mouth.

All objective

Likewise, I just trust and accept that someone won't love because no one ever has.

Subjective

See the difference?

There's a quote by Kain Ramsay - "change only happens when the desire to change is greater than the desire to stay the same." I think you posted not because you want sympathy, but that you have the desire is to change.

Happy to post more resources, such as this article or if you'd like to chat please DM me.

Thanks. Yes, I suppose I can see the difference. I think that what is frustrating is that.i teach growth mindset to the children at school and, in some respects, I do apply it to myself. Eg, I can't play that piece of music yet but I will be able to if I keep practising. But I can control that. I have no control over what others think of me or feel about me.

It sounds like you have complex ptsd? Has this been suggested?

I’d been to therapy but it wasn’t until this was identified that everything came together for me. The sheer relief that it was a thing! I’m working now on trauma therapy.

Don’t get me wrong, I still feel quite “other” if that makes sense, but I now have hope.

Challenging core beliefs (eg "I'm not lovable") is really fucking hard and exhausting. And relentless. So I'm not surprised you feel done with therapy.

If your mum was also a consummate liar (like mine) you can end up questioning EVERYTHING you knew. Even simple stuff like "you were a difficult baby" or crap about her own childhood.

I found the book "Homecoming" by John Bradshaw very useful for working on stuff on my own. It's recommended to use it with a therapist but I used to record the audio exercises on my phone and play them back. The writing exercises were very powerful.

I also found the Stately Homes threads on here very useful. My dad used to sexually abuse me but in many ways my mums emotional abuse has had a bigger impact. As a woman it's natural to take your self image and worth from your mum so having an abusive mum can really fuck with that. It's also very common that when you've got one parent who is obviously abusive (eg your dad physically abusing you) you tend to forgive the other parent or don't see their emotional abuse as significant. Because as a child, having one shit parent is awful; having two is unthinkable.

You deserve to be happy. You've achieved so much in life. 🌸

@SkeletonsFromThePast

Thanks. Yes, I suppose I can see the difference. I think that what is frustrating is that.i teach growth mindset to the children at school and, in some respects, I do apply it to myself. Eg, I can't play that piece of music yet but I will be able to if I keep practising. But I can control that. I have no control over what others think of me or feel about me.

No, you don't have that control. But you do have control over what you think about how others think and feel about you. The boring reality is that most people are so busy thinking about themselves (or worrying about what other people think and feel about them!) that - unless you are an exceptionally terrible person, and there is nothing factual in your posts to remotely suggest this - other people aren't thinking about you at all.

Gawd, even I needed to read that several times to understand it and I bloody wrote it!!

Gawd, even I needed to read that several times to understand it and I bloody wrote it!!

I know what you mean. But I don't care what strangers think of me. People.inknownwho I spend time with either personally or professionally will have an opinion of me.

@WouldBeGood

It sounds like you have complex ptsd? Has this been suggested?

I’d been to therapy but it wasn’t until this was identified that everything came together for me. The sheer relief that it was a thing! I’m working now on trauma therapy.

Don’t get me wrong, I still feel quite “other” if that makes sense, but I now have hope.

It's been suggested by people I've spoken to about this and is likely from what I've read about it and my experiences but I've never been diagnosed with it.

I'm just tired of it. Talking about it, even anonymously, helps me to feel less trapped by it but that is all. I'm really not able to manage more therapy at the moment mentally, emotionally or financially.

@SkeletonsFromThePast

Firstly I would love to have a magic wand and take your pain away and give you a big hug.
It would be immoral, irresponsible and wrong to try to diagnose any MH issues or PD in your parent’s without the proper evaluation and testing and consultations however what you describe as their behaviour sound like traits of more than shit parenting.

I also had a troubled childhood that left me with scars of trauma and for years, decades, an inability to love myself in spite of not just making it but being overwhelming successful. I too couldn’t really love anyone else healthily. Like you I tried therapist after therapist with no success. But this is your story and I want to address that and what finally worked for me (after age 40)

There is no doubt that what you feel about yourself, in spite of being a warrior survivor of an abusive upbringing, being a mother to two children I am sure love you and you them dearly, getting a degree and becoming a teacher, one of the most important, loving, giving, caring, nurturing and stabilising professions there is, perhaps subconsciously trying to give these children the support and care you never received. You are financially secure yet still you feel unaccomplished, unworthy and an imposter. Is it any wonder after what you have been through you find it almost impossible to make friends? Your formative years were spent learning people are mean, cruel, heartless and not to be trusted. I’d not attempt to be social either. I’d be terrified of any kind of interpersonal relationship.

So for years I went to therapy. Several different therapists. They all agreed I’d been horribly abused and traumatised. That I was stuck “playing the tapes of my childhood in my head on repeat.” Of the 5 I saw starting after 24 unbelievably they all gave the same advice to me to become unstuck, love myself and be happy and move on with my life:
Forgiveness. Forgive my parents for the abuse. Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself they said. Once you forgive them their wrongs, you take away the power.
I tried. I tried to forgive. But my mind would say, why? I would ask the therapist. Why forgive? The answer was because you are carrying the hurt trauma and pain. They were bad parents but we don’t know the reason. Were they mentally ill, just bad parents, etc? But remember the therapists would say, forgiveness is a gift you’re giving yourself not them.

It didn’t work. And I spent my life until about the same age you are feeling the same way you do. I gave up on therapy and tried to accept this was the hand I was dealt.

My closest friend (close is relative) of the 3 I had sat me down and said, it breaks my heart to see such a wonderful person that I care about so much, hate themselves the way you do. (All previous therapists had been women)
She begged me to commit to 6 sessions with a man therapist that had changed the life of another woman she knew. She told me he was non traditional but 30 years experience, as accredited as possible in the U.K., and was the head supervisory therapist for a very prestigious university in or around London. I protested. I explained the years I felt I had wasted and thousands of £. I loved her for caring about me but there was no point.
It was November. She said, please give this to me as my Christmas gift.

I felt guilted into it, so I agreed.

I called him.
He had no appointments for 2 weeks, and then he could only offer me 5 sessions because one of his clients would be on holiday for 5 weeks over the holiday period. I accepted.

First appointment: why are you here? Check
Second appointment more about my upbringing. Check
Third appointment: he tells me I have survived horrific childhood trauma. Check
I tell him I am unable to get unstuck by forgiving them.
He’s quiet for a minute. Looks at me, and says, “why the hell would you forgive them and their horrific abuse. There are things that are unforgivable. Your parents (1 dead at this time) don’t deserve forgiveness.
You will never get an I’m sorry, I’m proud of you, an admission of any wrongdoing from (surviving parent). I recommend you have no contact ever again. However, mentally, you must lay the blame for the abuse at parents feet. Tell them they should not have been parents. They abused and neglected you and list all the ways. Mentally lay on their feet that their abuse has reverberated through your adult life. List the ways. List every way it hurts you. And when you are done, in your own words lay the blame. “Parents, you deprived me of love, support, stability (add all you want). I was an infant then a child. I didn’t understand. You were adults. You knew exactly what you were doing. You saw my pain, caused by you, and did nothing. You are evil, abusive, and abused me from the day I was born. (My words) I hate you. I wish someone called the authorities. You are damaged, evil, fucked up, should probably be in jail, and most of all you are wrong. I am wonderful. Successful. I overcame every obstacle you used to try to cause me to fail. My life and accomplishments dwarf you in every way. You add nothing to my life even now but insults and pain. You are the broken one. You will never see or hear from me again. You are dead to me.

I did it. It took days at home in my mind. At my next session I asked, should I call parent and tell parent they are dead to me and They would never hear from me again? He said why?
2 months later the man therapist called. He had a patient move to the Middle East. Did I want a regular session every 2 weeks. Yes. I saw him for a year. I’m free.
The type of therapy is person centric Rogerian.

Message me if you would like.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Challenging core beliefs (eg "I'm not lovable") is really fucking hard and exhausting. And relentless. So I'm not surprised you feel done with therapy.

If your mum was also a consummate liar (like mine) you can end up questioning EVERYTHING you knew. Even simple stuff like "you were a difficult baby" or crap about her own childhood.

I found the book "Homecoming" by John Bradshaw very useful for working on stuff on my own. It's recommended to use it with a therapist but I used to record the audio exercises on my phone and play them back. The writing exercises were very powerful.

I also found the Stately Homes threads on here very useful. My dad used to sexually abuse me but in many ways my mums emotional abuse has had a bigger impact. As a woman it's natural to take your self image and worth from your mum so having an abusive mum can really fuck with that. It's also very common that when you've got one parent who is obviously abusive (eg your dad physically abusing you) you tend to forgive the other parent or don't see their emotional abuse as significant. Because as a child, having one shit parent is awful; having two is unthinkable.

You deserve to be happy. You've achieved so much in life. 🌸

Someone recommended Homecoming to me a few years ago. I bought it and have read bits of it but I find it very difficult to do on my own.

You make a very good point about the two.abusive parents. I didn't realise until inwas in twenties that mum was abusive. I knew she was cruel and unkind and I knew i was very frustrated and just sad really. I didn't understand it amd I both tried to get her to see she was wrong about me and kicked back against it. Neither worked.

I used to be told the line about being a difficult baby. When my daughter was about three, she said something about my daughter being difficult and said, "I thought you were bad but you weren't as bad as her!"

My daughter was amazing! Chatty, bright, inquisitive... yes, she was challenging at times but I never thought of her as difficult or bad.

My fiance had an extremely abusive childhood. he has been diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder, we are hoping when he gets his treatment it will improve things with him.

I can see that @SkeletonsFromThePast

I haven’t tried it yet, but my therapist recommended self compassion.org Might be worth a look?

[quote GothamGirl1970]@SkeletonsFromThePast

Firstly I would love to have a magic wand and take your pain away and give you a big hug.
It would be immoral, irresponsible and wrong to try to diagnose any MH issues or PD in your parent’s without the proper evaluation and testing and consultations however what you describe as their behaviour sound like traits of more than shit parenting.

I also had a troubled childhood that left me with scars of trauma and for years, decades, an inability to love myself in spite of not just making it but being overwhelming successful. I too couldn’t really love anyone else healthily. Like you I tried therapist after therapist with no success. But this is your story and I want to address that and what finally worked for me (after age 40)

There is no doubt that what you feel about yourself, in spite of being a warrior survivor of an abusive upbringing, being a mother to two children I am sure love you and you them dearly, getting a degree and becoming a teacher, one of the most important, loving, giving, caring, nurturing and stabilising professions there is, perhaps subconsciously trying to give these children the support and care you never received. You are financially secure yet still you feel unaccomplished, unworthy and an imposter. Is it any wonder after what you have been through you find it almost impossible to make friends? Your formative years were spent learning people are mean, cruel, heartless and not to be trusted. I’d not attempt to be social either. I’d be terrified of any kind of interpersonal relationship.

So for years I went to therapy. Several different therapists. They all agreed I’d been horribly abused and traumatised. That I was stuck “playing the tapes of my childhood in my head on repeat.” Of the 5 I saw starting after 24 unbelievably they all gave the same advice to me to become unstuck, love myself and be happy and move on with my life:
Forgiveness. Forgive my parents for the abuse. Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself they said. Once you forgive them their wrongs, you take away the power.
I tried. I tried to forgive. But my mind would say, why? I would ask the therapist. Why forgive? The answer was because you are carrying the hurt trauma and pain. They were bad parents but we don’t know the reason. Were they mentally ill, just bad parents, etc? But remember the therapists would say, forgiveness is a gift you’re giving yourself not them.

It didn’t work. And I spent my life until about the same age you are feeling the same way you do. I gave up on therapy and tried to accept this was the hand I was dealt.

My closest friend (close is relative) of the 3 I had sat me down and said, it breaks my heart to see such a wonderful person that I care about so much, hate themselves the way you do. (All previous therapists had been women)
She begged me to commit to 6 sessions with a man therapist that had changed the life of another woman she knew. She told me he was non traditional but 30 years experience, as accredited as possible in the U.K., and was the head supervisory therapist for a very prestigious university in or around London. I protested. I explained the years I felt I had wasted and thousands of £. I loved her for caring about me but there was no point.
It was November. She said, please give this to me as my Christmas gift.

I felt guilted into it, so I agreed.

I called him.
He had no appointments for 2 weeks, and then he could only offer me 5 sessions because one of his clients would be on holiday for 5 weeks over the holiday period. I accepted.

First appointment: why are you here? Check
Second appointment more about my upbringing. Check
Third appointment: he tells me I have survived horrific childhood trauma. Check
I tell him I am unable to get unstuck by forgiving them.
He’s quiet for a minute. Looks at me, and says, “why the hell would you forgive them and their horrific abuse. There are things that are unforgivable. Your parents (1 dead at this time) don’t deserve forgiveness.
You will never get an I’m sorry, I’m proud of you, an admission of any wrongdoing from (surviving parent). I recommend you have no contact ever again. However, mentally, you must lay the blame for the abuse at parents feet. Tell them they should not have been parents. They abused and neglected you and list all the ways. Mentally lay on their feet that their abuse has reverberated through your adult life. List the ways. List every way it hurts you. And when you are done, in your own words lay the blame. “Parents, you deprived me of love, support, stability (add all you want). I was an infant then a child. I didn’t understand. You were adults. You knew exactly what you were doing. You saw my pain, caused by you, and did nothing. You are evil, abusive, and abused me from the day I was born. (My words) I hate you. I wish someone called the authorities. You are damaged, evil, fucked up, should probably be in jail, and most of all you are wrong. I am wonderful. Successful. I overcame every obstacle you used to try to cause me to fail. My life and accomplishments dwarf you in every way. You add nothing to my life even now but insults and pain. You are the broken one. You will never see or hear from me again. You are dead to me.

I did it. It took days at home in my mind. At my next session I asked, should I call parent and tell parent they are dead to me and They would never hear from me again? He said why?
2 months later the man therapist called. He had a patient move to the Middle East. Did I want a regular session every 2 weeks. Yes. I saw him for a year. I’m free.
The type of therapy is person centric Rogerian.

Message me if you would like.[/quote]
Thank you for your post!

I'm going to read it properly and give some thought to what you have said

@Thehouseofmarvels

My fiance had an extremely abusive childhood. he has been diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder, we are hoping when he gets his treatment it will improve things with him.

I hope things get better for him too

But reading your post is one of the things I find difficult. There are so many people who have experienced childhood trauma but who still go on to find relationships and be loved. It's the one area where I just can't see any progress at all in myself.

@Sarahlou63

It really, really fucks me off that you've had lots of therapy (and you are obviously intelligent) and no one has actually explained what core beliefs are, where they come from and how you can challenge them.

Read this article Hopefully it will explain what your therapists have singularly failed to do.

Are you a therapist yourself I wonder? I know a lot about therapeutical terms but have never come across this before. It is really eye opening for me and makes such sense.

To be honest you sound amazing. Lots of people don’t manage to achieve half of what you have with twice the love and resources. You sound like the kind of person I’d love to be friends with.