Haunted by the past

[SkeletonsFromThePast]

I really need a place to process this.

I had abusive childhood. I get it. I've had therapy and I understand it was my parents, their own experiences and inadequacies. I get that. My dad was physically abusive and I was terrified of him growing up. My mum was emotionally abusive and that continued until I cut contact with her 10 years ago.

I've not been able to recover. I've had therapy so many times. Different types, different therapists. And nothing has helped.

Throughout my childhood, my dad ignored emotionally. there was nothing at all. No relationship. I understand why. Physical abuse happened because he was unhappy and frustrated in his marriage as was my mum. They should never have been together - both settled, completely different people.

I was not the daughter she wanted. I wasn't pretty, I wasn't girly. I was outspoken and defiant, challenging and intelligent and she told me no one would ever love me or want me. She was right. She criticised every aspect of appearance and personality. I don't think she liked anything about me.

I became pregnant when I was 23. The relationship was abusive. I had no choice but to.love back home but I wasn't wanted there and, when I was in hospital having.my son, my mother arranged for me.to go into a social services run mother amd baby home. It's only occurred to me in the past few years that I don't know how she managed it. The other residents were drugs addicts, on the CP register themselves, care leavers, undertaking parenting assessments. I didn't fit. The only thing 'wrong' was that nobody loved me.and nobody cared. I was threatened with violence, my child was threatened, I had my things stolen. I've never ecovered from it.

I'm now 46. It was half my lifetime ago but I feel stuck and trapped.

Since then, I've had a second child. I got a degree, became a teacher, brought my two children up largely singlehandedly. But I can't escape it. Put one through university.

I feel unworthy. Unlovable. I feel trapped here because of my children. I've had hobbies, made friends - created a facsimile of a 'normal life' (eg a career, taking the children to clubs and hobbies etc) but the lack of love and the lack of support has impacted terribly. I'm just a hollow shell.

I struggle at work - I doubt my competence and it doesn't occur to me to ask for help when I'm struggling. I do temp contracts because I can't let people.get that close to me or to see the real me.

I can't form personal relationships. I've never been loved. I've never had a long term relationship. I really struggle.to take friendships beyond the superficial. I've been told I'm distant and push people away but, when I try not to, people put up barriers to keep me away. I can see it. I'm not stupid but I can't work out what I'm doing wrong either.

I feel like I'm treading water, drifting through life until death. I've clearly tried to overcome it. I went to university when eldest was 2 and got a first class degree. I trained as a teacher when my youngest was 1 and passed my training and induction year without hitch.

I can be disciplined - I've lost weight, stuck to hobbies for several years, I've taken on personal challenges but it all feels so fragile and transient - like I'm playing a game.

I don't have any stability in my life. No permanent job, no relationship, my friendships are also transient, I rent.

If I had the option to walk through a door now and never have existed, I'd walk through without consideration.

I'm lost, I'm lonely, I'm broken. I'm drowning and I don't know what to do anymore

Many victims/ survivors of childhood abuse become therapists in order to make sense of their lives. To heal themselves. However usually they can fix everyone but themselves or deal in another therapeutic area

@Nextchapterofmybook
I completely agree

@CatherineAragon - I've studied CBT extensively over the last 18 months, mainly as an adjunct to my equine assisted training business (which has been on hold thanks to Covid) and I've worked successfully with some guinea pigs volunteers, who've then referred other people.

I'm not professionally qualified (although I have level 4 certification) but I have a lifetime's experience of working with people in an advisory role.

Helping people to help themselves is very rewarding

@Sarahlou63 I’m bursting with curiosity about the equine business. If you feel like it would you DM me and explain to not hijack the thread

[quote GothamGirl1970]@Sarahlou63 I’m bursting with curiosity about the equine business. If you feel like it would you DM me and explain to not hijack the thread[/quote]
Will do!

I get you OP. I resonate with your story. I too struggle to form personal relationships.
Like many others have said- you are an inspiration. Living with this shite is hard very hard..
I bet your kids are a massive credit to you.. sounds like you've broken the generational cycle with your kids. THATS A MASSIVE ACHIEVEMENT.

I'd love to be friends with someone like you too.

Thank you ❤

My youngest is 16. She can be a pain in the bum! But she's also the kindest, most thoughtful person. Tries hard at school. Has good friendships. The only thing we ever clash on is the state she leaves the kitchen in when she's been baking! I look at her and her brother and, whilst I'm not blind to their flaws, I burst with pride for my children. I tell them every day that I love them and am proud of them. I can see that I've been a better mum to them than mine was to me because they are more confident, capable and self sufficient than I was at their ages. My only goal as a parent was to be a better mum. My mother must have lived a very sad and miserable life hating the person she brought into the world and was responsible for for so long. I feel sad for her at times that she missed out on so much.

I just wish I didn't find it all so hard.

@SkeletonsFromThePast the fact that your dcs are so well adjusted us just a massive testament to you. You really are amazing.

You do know this much:
I was not the daughter she wanted. I wasn't pretty, I wasn't girly. I was outspoken and defiant, challenging and intelligent.

Easier said than done, but try to accept your own value instead of seeking confirmation of it. Pearls before swine, etc.

@SkeletonsFromThePast

Thank you ❤

My youngest is 16. She can be a pain in the bum! But she's also the kindest, most thoughtful person. Tries hard at school. Has good friendships. The only thing we ever clash on is the state she leaves the kitchen in when she's been baking! I look at her and her brother and, whilst I'm not blind to their flaws, I burst with pride for my children. I tell them every day that I love them and am proud of them. I can see that I've been a better mum to them than mine was to me because they are more confident, capable and self sufficient than I was at their ages. My only goal as a parent was to be a better mum. My mother must have lived a very sad and miserable life hating the person she brought into the world and was responsible for for so long. I feel sad for her at times that she missed out on so much.

I just wish I didn't find it all so hard.

I can feel the immense pride in this post about your children. It really made me smile. They sounds fabulous...

About it being so hard... I'd love to know the answer to this. I hold hope that one day I will be ok enough to find a partner and be content. For now it's existence...

My kids are younger than yours and I'm honestly inspired by your positivity to yours.. it gives me hope of succeeding in parenting, even a tiny bit. thank you.

We are always the hardest on ourself OP. From an outside perspective you have accomplished so much despite a complete lack of nurturing, love and a safe place to call home. You will know not everyone manages to break out of the cycle. The will either numb the pain alcohol or substance abuse or go on to inflict the same trauma on those in their care. You should be very proud of yourself.

For me what really helped was not looking back. There would always be certain events or times where I would look at my own child and imagine the fear I felt at their age and I just couldn’t fathom how anyone could put an innocent child through such trauma. I got to a point when talking no longer helped, it didn’t change the past but it did give me some tools to do better in the future.

Your male friend might well have feelings for you, you are in the headspace of thinking that you are not good enough but he will see kindness and strength in you.

Making friends and meeting new people is always harder with age but you have to believe in yourself. Step out of your comfort zone, engage in conversation on your next placement.

It will take time but you will get there.

@SkeletonsFromThePast my fiance does not have a career though. You do. He has done various jobs but not a career like being a teacher. And has not done anything other than odd jobs for a long while. He is not working just now as is not well enough but is working on getting better so a career might be possible in the future. We have a fantastic strong relationship and he has a best friend but not the career. You have the career but not the romantic relationship. Trauma affects people in different ways. We do not have kids yet but I want to a lot professionally so him being a stay at home dad doing some part time work when my parents can babysit is fine for me.

@SkeletonsFromMyPast My fiance is one of four children. All abused but him the worst, third of the hour and the only one not the child of his mother's husband. He was beaten every day and still being beaten at 16. The beatings only stopped at completely by age 17 because he would end up fighting back.. his mother eventually grasped beating an almost adult might end up with her being hurt. We do not speak to her. Will not inform her of the births of our kids. Fiance does not speak to siblings either.

[quote Thehouseofmarvels]@SkeletonsFromThePast my fiance does not have a career though. You do. He has done various jobs but not a career like being a teacher. And has not done anything other than odd jobs for a long while. He is not working just now as is not well enough but is working on getting better so a career might be possible in the future. We have a fantastic strong relationship and he has a best friend but not the career. You have the career but not the romantic relationship. Trauma affects people in different ways. We do not have kids yet but I want to a lot professionally so him being a stay at home dad doing some part time work when my parents can babysit is fine for me. [/quote]
@Thehouseofmarvels
You sound lovely and supportive of your partner. Wishing you every happiness and I hope he is able to heal a little.

I recommend the book. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk. Excellent reference on trauma etc.

We do however speak to his aunt and uncle and his mother's only cousin and her husband. None of them speak to his mother or want to.

Much of your post resonates with me too OP albeit I am married but I am pretty numb to feeling anything positive towards my husband despite the fact he is a decent, fun guy etc.... I am constantly on the look out for threats/danger etc.. which makes it very difficult to form a close bond with him (or anyone for that matter), likewise my children which you have definitely achieved and which you should be rightly proud of OP. I am in awe of you tbh, that you went through all that shit, that you are still carrying around all that shit and yet you have still managed to raise two amazing children despite it. I too live with the difficulties of a broken childhood. My mum was narcissistic, my brother sexually abused me and my home was an extremely violent one. Like you, I've seen many therapists over the decades. Currently on therapist number 4 who specialised in EMDR. I can understand entirely why you don't want to commit to anything. Why would you, when the ones who should have been most committed to you let you down so much. Your children sound like lights in your life and you sound exhausted with all the introspection. I had the same situation with therapist number 2 who I saw every week for 9 years. The problem is, those of us who had a damaging upbringing have a piece of us missing. Our development was halted by the need to protect and defend ourselves instead. This pattern follows us into adulthood albeit we don't realise it until it's caused us damage or sorrow in our adult lives. Going forward, I think the only way out of this (for me anyway) is to confront the fears that are keeping the behaviour in place (the pattern) and as those fears are like a layers of an onion (due to the extent of the abuse) it is a process that needs some professional support. This is why i started EMDR as following investigation into it I could see that it would help me face the traumas that are preventing me from living the life I want to now. I know you feel exhausted by all of it but I wonder if that is because you are carrying it all. If you could find a therapist you gel with then you can start offloading things again which i think would help. In reality, I think I will always need the support of some form of therapy as my reserves and ability to deal with stuff that many others can do without thinking about are just not there. I don't believe that I can be fixed but rather be supported by a therapist. Who knows, I might be wrong but that attitude is already helping me to a degree in accepting the damage that was done which is something that has taken a long time to get to, despite all the therapists. Sorry for my rambles but hope there is at least something in my post that may help you at the mo

@DrRichardBurke That is a lovely recomendation however he already has plans to read it; I think he has ordered it. There is one I need to remember to tell him to read ' it did mot start with you ' I think about problems being passed down in families. One of his estranged sisters has paranoid skizophrenia, his brother and mother have obvious but undiagnosed mental issues as they think there is nothing wrong ( they are very paranoid and love conspiricy theories ) and his gran was reportedly a very cruel agressive woman who probably had what we would now term mental health issues.

Thehouseofmarvels

That sounds awful. He is so lucky to have you.

Sadly, I referred to it as a career but it only is in the sense that it's a professional occupation that has a career path. It's not that for me though.

After graduating with a first class degree, I was encouraged by my university to pursue further qualifications ( a masters and a doctorate) in my field but I didn't feel able to at that time. I worked in am din job forn3nyears that I could have got with 5 GCSEs because I lacked the confidence. So I understand where he is coming from.

I became a teacher because I wanted to be in a position to help children like i had been.

But I've never had a permanent job. I've done supply teaching interspersed with fixed term contracts. I don't have financial security, quite the opposite, and I don't have a career path. When I have a contract, I earn a reasonable salary but the rest of the time it is pretty unpredictable and insecure. i can't plan for the future.

@SkeletonsFromThePast - I really hope you've found hope, understanding and a sense of belonging from this thread. Does the concept of self acceptance still feel so far away or can you think about a time when you can achieve this in the same way you've succeeded as a mother?

@Thehouseofmarvels, not wishing to derail OP's thread but I just wanted to add in something of my own experience in relation to you fiance's possible plans to be a sahd. I am a sahm and to be honest, it's been incredibly hard on my mental health because there is little to distract me mentally from the sad memories of my childhood which often reappear when a woman or man has a child themselves. I have two young children and have been a sahm for 6 years now. I have found the time incredibly difficult as young children can cause a lot of stress but most importantly, the lack of mental stimulation for me has created a chasm of opportunity to ruminate over my childhood versus the one I am trying to give my children. Obviously this is just my experience and many other people who have trauma in their past will have a completely different experience when they have children. I just wanted to flag this to you as a possibility to consider when planning a family. What would have helped me was to keep studying/working part time or do something that is a distraction from the lack of mental stimulation of looking after young children. I thought having a family might help me heal when in fact it has made me have to confront alot of painful experiences which I did not prepare for pre-children and made my parenting experience incredibly difficult. At times this has made me very low/depressed as the old wounds resurface which was totally unexpected to me hence why I wanted to flag this up to you. I also second the book recommendation 'The Body Keeps the Score'. An amazing book whcih really helped me along the road of acceptance that what I experienced was a trauma and as such need to be treated as such.

At least by being single you are not continuing to repeat bad relationships. My fiance had a long term relationship where the girlfriend was hitting him but he got out. His sister has not seen him since 2006 and only exchanged a few heated emails in that time. However due to her having married a famous person ( middle aged now and not at hight of fame now but still known) I know what is going on with her relationship. They divorced at the start of the year but it looks like he cheated on her for years constantly with fans. A person who claims they were cheating with him told me on a celebrity gossip forum that he was manupulative and put on a false persona for the outside world, lied or lied by ommission. He is also open in the media about former addiction issues. These behaviors are identical to her parents and her father was a gambling addict. It is so much better to be single than to fall into relationships with people who have similr traits to parents as many trauma victims do.

[quote MagnusMagnusson]@Thehouseofmarvels, not wishing to derail OP's thread but I just wanted to add in something of my own experience in relation to you fiance's possible plans to be a sahd. I am a sahm and to be honest, it's been incredibly hard on my mental health because there is little to distract me mentally from the sad memories of my childhood which often reappear when a woman or man has a child themselves. I have two young children and have been a sahm for 6 years now. I have found the time incredibly difficult as young children can cause a lot of stress but most importantly, the lack of mental stimulation for me has created a chasm of opportunity to ruminate over my childhood versus the one I am trying to give my children. Obviously this is just my experience and many other people who have trauma in their past will have a completely different experience when they have children. I just wanted to flag this to you as a possibility to consider when planning a family. What would have helped me was to keep studying/working part time or do something that is a distraction from the lack of mental stimulation of looking after young children. I thought having a family might help me heal when in fact it has made me have to confront alot of painful experiences which I did not prepare for pre-children and made my parenting experience incredibly difficult. At times this has made me very low/depressed as the old wounds resurface which was totally unexpected to me hence why I wanted to flag this up to you. I also second the book recommendation 'The Body Keeps the Score'. An amazing book whcih really helped me along the road of acceptance that what I experienced was a trauma and as such need to be treated as such.[/quote]
I would agree with the stay at home parent experience.

I've no doubt that this is hitting me harder currently because it's the school holiday and I've got an unstructured 6 weeks ahead of me.

I actually find being at work far easier than being at home with the weight of my thoughts.

I don't have time to think at work!

And I also agree that it gives a lot of time to ruminate and make comparisons between your own childhood and the one you want to give your children.

Plus lots of time to feel guilty.

It's such a hard decision to make and position to be in.

Thehouseofmarvels

That sounds awful

While you are right, I think I just want to know what it feels like to be loved. How it feels to have someone prioritise you; respect you; support you; care about you. To be hugged by someone and feel safe. To have someone to talk stuff through with and to celebrate with. To have someone stroke my hair or hold.me while i fall asleep. And someone I can be that person for too.

Yes, my children love me but I don't get any of that from them. It's not their place to be there for me.

I find the coal face of parenting very triggering. Can be very tough

@MagnusMagnusson thanks that's interesting. He has some career ideas, but does not think he is ever likely to be well enough for a 9 to 5 job. I think part time freelance work is probably what is most likely to happen. He has made a third of a film a few years ago when his health was much better so the aim is to work towards getting it finished. He has filmed a monologue with a friend recently and is going to make a very short film this year. He has showed interest in doing football coaching. I am training as an art teacher so I him doing football classes as after school clubs and us maybe running film classes at weekends when mum can watch kiddies is probably the way to go. Along with the focus groups he has done for a few years.