Exhausted and terrified

[Sadness21]

I don’t even know where or how to start. I am stuck, completely trapped in a relationship which I’ve now been in for half of my life. He bullies, belittles, swears, gas lights and generally just treats me like utter shit. Don’t know what I want from this thread, maybe some advice or maybe just the chance to write it all down. Might be best if I bullet point. I just feel broken and some days I wonder if everyone is just better off without me.

I’ve changed username for this as do not ever want to be found out.

Write it all down. People here will try to help.

Deep breath.

People wouldn't be better off without you. Honestly.

It's hard when you first admit there is a problem out loud. It feels scary. Why don't you share about your situation if you feel able. There are some amazing MN'etters who can help.

Do you have children still at home?

If you can give us a list of actual, practical reasons why you are trapped, perhaps we can work through them together and help you find a way out.

You will likely find that it's more mental chains than anything though.

Don't feel hopeless OP, plenty of people have been in the same situation as you and have managed to go on to lead happier, much freer lives. Well done for having the courage to open up on here so people can start to help you.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

Deep breath and get talking. You'll get plenty of good advice on here.

Good luck and have a hug.

Thank you.
Well to start with, he swears at me frequently in front of our two children. They ask me not to answer back as they worry it will make things worse. Fat fuck, fucking cunt, state of it. Tells me I’m a failure at parenting, I’m no fun, the kids eat shit (they don’t). He blames me for everything and claims I am so horrible yet he has no friends at all.
He tells me daily it’s his house and I need to fuck off but has basically told me I won’t get the kids, the courts will tell me to fuck off.
I can’t find anywhere to rent, I don’t drive and I’m 20 grand in debt which I’ve been trying to pay off in order to get a mortgage with him!! He has been in deep debt several times, bailed out by his parents and then entered into payment plan which he was offered a settlement amount so now he has no debt in his name.
I pay the rent, every bill, everything for kids, all the food shopping, takeaways and days out and he pays for himself and things that need doing on the house, eg he just paid for new bathroom. If I ever say anything he is vile so I don’t say a word.
He throws my things away if they are in his way. I just don’t know how to get out when there is nowhere to go and I’m so scared I won’t get the kids. I want to go to doctor as really think I’m depressed but scared this will be used against me. I cannot say anything or do anything without getting silent treatment, a shitty look or a nasty comment. I just can’t believe my kids life is like this, he’s right, I’ve failed them.

Thank you and sorry it’s long.
Two lovely children, 9 and 7. X

Have you spoke to women's aid?

What's your situation OP? I understand you're being abused but do you work? Have anywhere to go? Have children? etc

Emotional and financial abuse.

Speak to woman's aid and go to a refuge with the DC you are all so afraid

If you rent the house then it is not his house. Are you married? Don't believe a word he says about custody of the children, the house, anything. This man is not your friend and he's a liar.

I work full time and have done since kids were tiny as he didn’t work 🙄
I am always alone with the kids apart from Sundays when I might as well be on my own with them to be honest.
He tells me that I do nothing, I’m so lazy and now he’s bringing the feeding the kids into it, claiming oh that’s something else I will have to do!!
I genuinely think he’s mentally ill. He tells me I’m stupid, I’m intellectually not worthy of him, if I ever use any ‘big’ words he takes the piss.

On the positive side, if you are currently paying for everything then that means you don't have to rely on him while you sort yourself out. x

The house is tricky, it’s rented from his parents but he paid the deposit from some inheritance money but it’s my name on everything.

@Hopeisnotastrategy that’s what I’ve been thinking. I could also enter into a better repayment for the debt so I’d actually be better off without him.

I’m so sad when I hear about people’s partners being their best friend. I just feel so cheated.
When I look back to being 18/19 all the signs were there but I had no idea.

Seriously go to a refuge they will help you every step of the way he won't automatically get the DC, 50:50 at most.

Start making plans now to get you and the kids away. Definitely seek advice from womens aid on how to do this. The fact that you are seeking advice on here is a step in the right direction. You havn't failed your children, your horrible vile husband has. I'm so sorry that you are living in this horrible situation.

Don’t blame yourself. This is all on him. You have been doing everything and more and he is abusive towards you. You have two wonderful DC, a job and previous posters are right that it seems like you would be financially as well as mentally better off without him. So you are not trapped, or at least, it could be worse if you had no income.

I agree to speak with Women’s Aid, but also Citizen’s Advice who may be able to advice on the debt and housing.

I am going to ask one of my friends to look after the children so I can make some calls. Thank you.

I just can’t believe my kids life is like this, he’s right, I’ve failed them

You feel yourself to be trapped by an abusive partner who abuses you in front of your children, and you feel like you have let them down?

Can you not see that you and the children are the victims, and that he is the perpetrator?

What you need to do is demonstrate to your children that, when faced with a poor relationship, you leave. Posting here has been precisely the right thing to do, for your children. It's your first step towards getting out. Having taken this first step, now is the time to start feeling that you're one of the awesome ones; one of the ones that gets their children away from an abuser.

Keep posting. That bit of you that he won't listen to, the bit he surpresses; keep that bit of you talking. That's the bit of you that will get you out of this situation. Use that voice to speak to Womens Aid. They don't say to people 'Yeah, sorry, sounds like you're stuck, love, you'll just have to stay there'. they've seen thousands just like you, and they'll know what to do, what to watch out for, how to prepare, how to speak to the kids... They will support you in the places where you feel there's no way forward.

@Sadness21

I am going to ask one of my friends to look after the children so I can make some calls. Thank you.

That's an excellent idea. Don't give up if you can't get through straight away, keep trying. Good luck, and let us know how you are getting on. A brighter future is out there somewhere for you, just remember that. None of this is your fault and it can be sorted out. Stay strong.

Your situation isn't that bad OP. He's reliant on you to support him but at least you have money.

If you don't have a deposit to move, can you contact your council housing department first thing Monday. They may have some cash for a deposit for a new place. Your best bet is to try for social housing and you would be considered priority as you are fleeing DV and have children. You'll need help and support from your local DV services which you can find on the council website. You can contact Shelter for more advice and help with finding housing: www.shelter.org.uk/

Another option to consider is a non molestation/occupation order. An occupation order gets him out of the house and keeps him out. A non molestation order keeps him away from you. You can read more about those options here: www.ncdv.org.uk/ If that sounds like something you want to do, then contact the NCDV and ask them about it and they'll help you put that in place.

Regarding the debt, you can contact the National Debt Line who can give you your options and help you with either reducing the amount, or writing off some of it or getting something like a Debt Relief Order:
www.nationaldebtline.org/