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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Exhausted and terrified

110 replies

Sadness21 · 25/07/2021 15:03

I don’t even know where or how to start. I am stuck, completely trapped in a relationship which I’ve now been in for half of my life. He bullies, belittles, swears, gas lights and generally just treats me like utter shit. Don’t know what I want from this thread, maybe some advice or maybe just the chance to write it all down. Might be best if I bullet point. I just feel broken and some days I wonder if everyone is just better off without me.

OP posts:
MydogWillow · 25/07/2021 16:18

Massive handhold Flowers

OP, you sound determined and in control. That is huge.

With the help of the pp's recommendations, you and your DC's are on the road to a better life. Infact you already are.

WineAcademy · 25/07/2021 16:22

That's a great start.

username18702 · 25/07/2021 16:23

@WineAcademy I'm not the prat trying to scare a woman about to leave a domestic abuser by telling her he'll take her to court for access and make her life hell. Get back in your box Mystic Meg.

WineAcademy · 25/07/2021 16:26

[quote username18702]@WineAcademy I'm not the prat trying to scare a woman about to leave a domestic abuser by telling her he'll take her to court for access and make her life hell. Get back in your box Mystic Meg.[/quote]
I'm saying be careful, that's all. Caution. Awareness of the possibility. I'm done talking to you.

username18702 · 25/07/2021 16:28

@Sadness21

Okay, I think I will go to the GP anyway to get things logged, tell them how I’m feeling but I’m sure it’s as a reaction to my situation. Then I will get a date sorted with a friend so that I can make calls etc. I will probably have to leave with nothing but I’d rather just be out. I can start again and I do have lots of lovely friends luckily.
Getting this logged with your GP is a great idea as it's good evidence. If you have the money, you can hire people to help you pack like here for example: www.pickfords.co.uk/removals-packing-services Arrange it for a time when he's away all day and label anything you want packed. Obviously don't do it, if you feel it's too risky. Things can be replaced.
username18702 · 25/07/2021 16:30

@WineAcademy Great place to take out your anger Meg. Go you!

billydilly · 25/07/2021 16:43

You're so brave OP. I know that Women's Aid can be hard to get hold of initially, you could also try My Sister's House on 01243 697800. They are great for practical help and advice. Good luck Flowers

heyday · 25/07/2021 16:50

Stepchange charity is marvellous and will give you lots of support regarding the debt. You needs lots of advice from different organisations so that you have facts and figures to hand rather than just his vile lies. Probably going into a refuge will be your only way out but that often means you have to move miles away from children's schools and your workplace but the agencies will give you all the relevant advice. If it's his parents place I can't imagine that you will be able to stay there. Stay strong, get all your information to hand and take one step at a time. It won't be easy but you can do this and there are lots of us on here who will give you encouragement and support along the way. People won't be better off without you but you will certainly be better off without him.

Dontwatchfootball · 25/07/2021 16:53

Its not mental health - he is an abuser. Womens aid or local refuge are the best places to go in the first instance - you need a good lawyer. With what you are saying, he may think he will get everything, kids etc, but he is delusional. Please get help, this will never get better.

SirGawain · 25/07/2021 16:59

Of course the courts are not going to let him take your children. They’ve heard it all before. If his behaviour is even half as bad as you say he’s not going to make a good impression in court.

Bubbletiers · 25/07/2021 17:14

Please leave him. You’ll feel immediate relief once you’ve left (with your children too). Could you go to a women’s refuge to start? Or family? Or a friend… perhaps find someone needing a house sitter?

In terms of your belongings. Would he notice if you took a small amount each day. Or if he’s out one day take a car load full…. You could rent a storage unit short term, a garage, as a friend if they’ve space for a box or two?

I’ve done this before, but I didn’t have children. Except I rented privately and changed the locks and put abusive partners belongings in a storage unit (whilst he was away on business for a week- it wasn’t business he took his mistress with him!).

Your children will be much happier without material items and with a happy mother and a home that’s full of love and free of abuse.

I make regular donations to women’s refuges - clothing, toiletries, household items. Some women flee in the daytime and take just themselves and their kids

CruellaDaVille · 25/07/2021 17:23

Your children will be much happier without material items and with a happy mother and a home that’s full of love and free of abuse.

This 100%

Midge75 · 25/07/2021 17:29

Don't be angry with yourself - channel all that energy into getting out. I have no personal experience, but I know that it is very difficult to leave an abusive partner - it is no reflection on your character. Your children are still young. You still have plenty of time to share lots of happy times with them, once you've got yourself sorted and away from this man. x

Cailleachian · 25/07/2021 17:37

The house situation is strange, as ideally you would want to continue to live there while hemoves out and finds another place to live.

He paid the deposit (the rent deposit? or a mortgage deposit?) but it is owned by his parents who you have a rental contract with and he is not named on - is that right?

Are you married?

Original poster
Sadness21 · 25/07/2021 17:59

He paid the mortgage deposit but due to debts, his parents took out the mortgage in their names. I pay it each month. I want out of this house, we have no happy memories here and want to cut all ties with his awful mother too. That’s a whole different story but let’s just say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree! I don’t want a penny from him, just want to get away.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sadness21 · 25/07/2021 18:00

Not married.

OP posts:
SixesAndEights · 25/07/2021 18:10

Do you have anything in writing re: paying the mortgage? If not, off you pop as soon as you can.

Original poster
Sadness21 · 25/07/2021 18:15

I have nothing in writing. I can transfer all services to a new address as everything in my name with regards to bills. The way I see it, I’ve had a good few years of cheap rent. It’s HIS house, he can pay for it. Good luck to him getting a mortgage with his track record. His parents want to transfer it next year!

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 25/07/2021 18:29

Paying the mortgage is his parents problem luckily, they made it that way, they bailed him out, so if he is not paying them it's a problem with him and them. As a gesture of good will, and despite having paid it yourself for years, I'd pay half the mortgage only, from now until you move out. It's their problem to get the other half from their son, always was really, so you should never have paid the full amount.
If it is an official rent agreement, then you can officially give notice, if not, and just a mutual agreement, even better, say nothing other than paying half as that is fair. Then move out by stealth when the time is right for you ( and make sure you take yourself off all amenities you pay for just before you leave).
I'm sure you will get some satisfaction from leaving them to their mess, and your life and your DC's lives will be so much better. He's unlikely to get the DC's, empty threats. He won't want to have to graft to look after them by the sound of it, and I bet he's not willing to pay any court or solicitor fees to fight for custody, so you will be ok.
Glad your eyes are open, onwards and upwards, your bar has been set so low by living with him that being on your own will be a breeze - plus he will have to pay you CMS, so you will be better off straight away.

SixesAndEights · 25/07/2021 18:30

Well this is brilliant OP!

Going back to your opening post, you're not stuck, you're not trapped....on the contrary you're in an excellent position to pack up and go within a week or two!

Go for it! And have a great life!

WineAcademy · 25/07/2021 18:35

@SixesAndEights

Well this is brilliant OP!

Going back to your opening post, you're not stuck, you're not trapped....on the contrary you're in an excellent position to pack up and go within a week or two!

Go for it! And have a great life!

Agreed! You have a lot of options here. Smile
TrampolineForMrKite · 25/07/2021 18:36

You’re never so trapped that there isn’t some escape route. Mumsnet is a great source of advice and practical info.

Opentooffers · 25/07/2021 18:39

Great, perfect, nothing in writing. In that case, I'd stop paying them rent at all, especially if the amount you have paid over the years amounts to more than the deposit your exDP put in Wink. You can save quicker that way, tell them as you pay for all bills and DC's needs, payment is up to exDP from now on. His DP's will have made loads in equity as house prices have rocketed during covid, so they will be fine, and who cares if your exP is not fine about it Grin

Beancounter1 · 25/07/2021 18:47

@Sadness21

I need to work on being less angry with myself too. I’m so angry that we’ve missed out on so much, I should have left before kids, should have left sooner. So many should haves. It’s so hard walking around each day with someone who makes it clear they despise you. That’s why I don’t understand why we cannot just split up and talk about it, neither of us are happy.
That’s why I don’t understand why we cannot just split up and talk about it, neither of us are happy.

It really is not essential to talk about splitting up in order to do it.
You just do it! No talking, no discussion, no negotiation, no getting permission to leave, no seeking apologies, no getting a post-mortem on where it all went wrong.
Just take action.
No need to talk - there's no point in talking to someone like him.

PrettyBlunt · 25/07/2021 18:50

Oh OP Sad what a horrible situation. I'm glad you're going to get out for the sake of you and your children.

Check your phone to see if he has turned on any location services for you or 'find your friends' and if you have an apple phone change your Apple ID password so when you move out he can't find you on find my iPhone.