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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Exhausted and terrified

110 replies

Sadness21 · 25/07/2021 15:03

I don’t even know where or how to start. I am stuck, completely trapped in a relationship which I’ve now been in for half of my life. He bullies, belittles, swears, gas lights and generally just treats me like utter shit. Don’t know what I want from this thread, maybe some advice or maybe just the chance to write it all down. Might be best if I bullet point. I just feel broken and some days I wonder if everyone is just better off without me.

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 25/07/2021 19:32

@Sadness21

You can totally do this! You're already paying all the bills it's just a matter of finding someplace that suits what you've already been paying. Plus if he's employed, he'll probably have to pay CM.

And (I think, I'm in the US) the DC are out for summer, right? The DC won't be transferring to a new school in the middle of a term. So there's no better time to relocate to a less expensive neighborhood if need be or even miles away if your job is transferable to another office/workplace or you wouldn't have a problem finding a new job elsewhere.

Do you have family or friends you can turn to temporarily? And you are very right to keep all your plans close to the vest until it's time to leave.

You said upthread that 'he'll be heartbroken'. NO! He won't. He may be sorry to lose his whipping boy/verbal punching bag but that's all. He certainly won't be heartbroken in the way a person still in love is if their spouse leaves.

Original poster

Sadness21 · 25/07/2021 20:45

Can he do that to my phone if he doesn’t know the passcode?
Family are far away unfortunately and I don’t want to bother them with any of this. We are going to stay with them soon for a holiday, just me and the children.
Sometimes I feel so stupid but I just wonder sometimes how someone can be so mean. I guess everyone goes through the is it me? Phase. I worry constantly and have been walking on eggshells for the past 18 years. I feel excited about the future but so so sick and scared about how to get there. Your posts have made me see that there are ways and actually to see the positives in the situation-no ties. Thank you for responses.

OP posts:

WineAcademy · 25/07/2021 20:53

One step at a time. Don't think too far ahead if it overwhelms you. Just one step at a time.

GoldBar · 25/07/2021 21:29

I pay the rent, every bill, everything for kids, all the food shopping, takeaways and days out and he pays for himself

You are in such a strong position compared to most women trying to leave. You don't have to put up with this any longer.

SixesAndEights · 25/07/2021 21:49

We all go through the "is it me?" phase, and there's the "it's me" phase when we don't even ASK, we just assume.

Top tip OP: Don't wait until you're "ready", you'll never be ready, just make sure you have everything you need, set yourself a goal of when to be out, open your thoughts to different rental areas if it's hard to find anything where you are, and then go for it!

Also, if you're not out before you go on holiday, use that as an opportunity to pack some things to leave with family, making it even easier for you when you do leave.

CookieDoughKid · 25/07/2021 22:32

I pay the rent, every bill, everything for kids, all the food shopping, takeaways and days out and he pays for himself

Hmmm...seems like a there should be nothing holding you back. If house is not in your name, I'd be packing my bags. Get small rental asap, and just go. You really don't need anything apart from school uniform, clothes. Can get a man and van to pickup the rest. If not, buy mattresses to sleep on anything else can come later!!

AcrossthePond55 · 25/07/2021 22:54

@Sadness21

Can he do that to my phone if he doesn’t know the passcode? Family are far away unfortunately and I don’t want to bother them with any of this. We are going to stay with them soon for a holiday, just me and the children. Sometimes I feel so stupid but I just wonder sometimes how someone can be so mean. I guess everyone goes through the is it me? Phase. I worry constantly and have been walking on eggshells for the past 18 years. I feel excited about the future but so so sick and scared about how to get there. Your posts have made me see that there are ways and actually to see the positives in the situation-no ties. Thank you for responses.

Please 'bother' them. It may very well be that they know what he is like and have been praying that you'll 'bother' them for years. It was pretty amazing to me the number of people who said "Oh thank God, FINALLY!" when I told them that I'd made him leave. They may be too far or not in a position to give you financial or 'practical' support in getting out, but emotional support can be HUGE when in your position. Perhaps pick just one relative, someone you can trust to keep your confidence. Sound them out first, and then confide in them.

billy1966 · 25/07/2021 23:17

OP,
There is nothing holding you back.

Please focus on your children and not him.

Hevis a hortor and I would imagine your children are deeply traumatised bybtheir toxic environment.

Stop thinking of him and think of those poor children.

Get out as soon as possible.

Carreterra · 26/07/2021 00:18

OP, Safe Storage UK have an offer where their storage units are half price for the first 8 weeks. Hopefully you will have somewhere to go before then. I paid £20 pcm from July 2020, which went up to £40 pcm in September, for a 16ft storage space, a bit bigger than a double wardrobe, I stacked plastic storage boxes into it with crocs, bedding, clothes etc, but had to wait until my shared house was sold. Good luck with everything

Bubbletiers · 29/07/2021 08:19

Hope you’re ok OP?

squid12346 · 29/07/2021 08:29

Op it sounds like you are in a great position to get out. Don't send anymore money for mortgage. Aim to get out asap. If you have a rental deposit already then you might be able to find something to move into in the next few days. Take your kids and let him arrange access. Get final bills for the accounts in your name. You will probably have to pay them as he won't and if it's in your name best to get final bills done.

He's a twat and you definitely need to get out. Don't feel bad for him. He has treated you like shit and doesn't deserve your sympathy. I'm sure your kids probably hate him and it's all his own doing

ClareBlue · 02/08/2021 01:07

OP, been a couple of days. Can you do a quick update to let us know you are ok.

lilmishap · 02/08/2021 01:46

Family are far away unfortunately and I don’t want to bother them with any of this

It's not a bother to drop a call or text to someone who cares about you, that is likely years of being told you're a burden clouding your judgement.

You're planning for a big life event with children and it's normal to share those things, telling family "I'm doing X/ We're splitting up/ I'm moving" isn't the same as asking them to do something or burdening them with your troubles.

QueenBee52 · 02/08/2021 04:05

wishing you the best of wishes OP ... you got this 🌸

GeorgiaGirl52 · 02/08/2021 05:38

Stop paying the mortgage and put that money in an account in your own name. If the mortgage is in your IL,s name then missed payments won't hurt your credit rating. It is their house. If they want to keep it then they can pay for it. Put the mortgage payments toward a home for you and your children.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 02/08/2021 12:32

Why would you transfer the bills? Maybe i misunderstood but you should just take your name off them - say you are moving out.

You will no longer be responsible for funding his actual abuse.

I do wonder whether you are ready when you are still at the point where you can't understand why a person can be so mean and think he'll be heartbroken. Know this, he is hate-filled. He doesn't function like a normal person. He will not be heartbroken. And he will lie. Lie. Lie again. In order to get his servant and punching back. He will then become really nasty. Be prepared for this.
Speak to your doctor. Speak to Women's Aid. Quietly make plans.
Save you and your children's lives.

Original poster

Sadness21 · 03/08/2021 09:33

Thank you all, sorry I’ve stayed away for a little bit as it’s been pretty busy with the kids.
Staying with family now for a few weeks, I’ve spoken to them a bit but they don’t know everything. I am fine and happy to have a break from it it. I’ve got a friend coming over with her husband when I’m back to just help me box a few bits up and hide them away at their house until I find somewhere. Thank you for the advice and support.

OP posts:

BingBongToTheMoon · 03/08/2021 09:50

Good luck @Sadness21

billy1966 · 03/08/2021 10:26

Be honest with your family.
Fill them in.
Great plan with your friends.
Enjoy the break.

Keep posting.

BettyAndFrank · 03/08/2021 14:27

Great news! You can do this!

AcrossthePond55 · 03/08/2021 15:23

This is wonderful news. Best of luck to you.

Good idea to have friends come with you to pack your things. Best if you can do it when he's not there. But if you can't, you need to avoid being alone with your Ex. Not necessarily out of fear of physical danger, but because men like that can turn on the charm and have the knack of spinning things until you start to believe their lies and promises. Don't give him that chance.

Waaahbaby · 30/10/2021 12:24

So I’m still here. Not managed to find anywhere to rent. I’m really ill with this bug and feel so alone.

2catsandhappy · 30/10/2021 12:51

Waaahbaby is that a name change fail? You were being cautious.

inininsomnia · 30/10/2021 12:58

Just read this thread for the first time. Please do all you can to get away.

PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 30/10/2021 13:00

It's going to take huge bravery to leave, don't beat yourself up for being trapped. Maybe plan for before Xmas?

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