Exhausted and terrified

[Sadness21]

I don’t even know where or how to start. I am stuck, completely trapped in a relationship which I’ve now been in for half of my life. He bullies, belittles, swears, gas lights and generally just treats me like utter shit. Don’t know what I want from this thread, maybe some advice or maybe just the chance to write it all down. Might be best if I bullet point. I just feel broken and some days I wonder if everyone is just better off without me.

Op, he's a vile excuse for a DP. You pay for everything because he can't be bothered to work and he has the cheek to say you're a bad parent? He thinks you're trapped and he can do as he likes but you're not, you can fight your way out if you try. He won't get the DC, they all say that to keep you in your place.
Think about being able to have peace and respect in your home, how much better it would be for you and your DC. Ask for help, Women's Aid will help you to be free

I would contact Womens Aid first. Councils are short of housing stock, and now short of cash (Covid), so they tend to try and fob everyone off, but with WA behind you, you stand much more chance of help. WA also advise on benefits and legal stuff. Good luck - you need to get away from him.

Thank you for the support. I’ve got a deposit for rental hidden away. None of our finances are joint. I hate that I’m going to have to do this secretly. He’s so unreasonable though and I’m scared of him. The children have said they don’t want to stay with him and they want us to be just us. He’d be heartbroken but I’m so over giving a shit. I basically go to work, sort the kids, make every single meal and then go to bed. I try not to speak to him at all. I’m just so so sad. Does anyone know if I do begin to take any medication, will this go against me?

You can do this, OP.

You can.

You already have been, without realising - starting this thread isn't the first step, it's the culmination of your strength of will, gathering force.

We will be here to support you. We will listen and give you advice.

You can do this. You can.

@Sadness21

Thank you for the support. I’ve got a deposit for rental hidden away. None of our finances are joint. I hate that I’m going to have to do this secretly. He’s so unreasonable though and I’m scared of him. The children have said they don’t want to stay with him and they want us to be just us. He’d be heartbroken but I’m so over giving a shit. I basically go to work, sort the kids, make every single meal and then go to bed. I try not to speak to him at all. I’m just so so sad. Does anyone know if I do begin to take any medication, will this go against me?

No, it won’t. You are trying to help yourself. It’s more damaging staying with an idiot like this than taking meds.

Take what you’ve been advised to take, and then try and create a happier new life for you and the kids.

Forget how he might feel - he’s a tosser and deserves no consideration. No one, for any reason, should ever be allowed to call you a cunt. Dreadful.

OP, just go to the Dr about your depression and speak to her about the abuse as well as you may need evidence of it further on up the line. You can also contact Gingerbread who have a helpline and can give you advice on your childcare/contact/benefit questions: www.gingerbread.org.uk/what-we-do/contact-us/

Here's all the info you need on finding somewhere to live: england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice

Find somewhere to live, do not tell your spouse and go. Make sure you get advice from your local DV services on safety in case he kicks off. You're alone most of the time anyway so plenty of time to pack and get organised. Inform the school of the situation and take it from there.

Dont be scared of speaking to your doctor and taking anti-depressants if thats what he recommends. They will help you see the woods from the trees and im sure wont be used against you. Good advice from others above - you can do this. Good luck.

Op - a few years ago I was in your situation even down to the fact that we lived in a home thay belonged to my ex’s family and I was massively in debt due to my ex refusing to work and leaving me struggle to fund everything.

My ex made all the threats that he’d get the kids because I was too stupid to keep them.

One day it all got too much, I called Women’s Aid when he was out and they helped me and my kids leave. After a while in a refuge, I was placed in a lovely council house that I am saving hard to buy.

It’s not everyone’s ideal situation but I am a lot happier.

You and your kids will be too.

You can do this.

My ex didn’t get the kids either. It was an empty threat and as it turns out, he barely sees them. He has tried to cause me trouble (periodically rings Social Services on me) but whenever he does, the authorities always see through and see him for the bully that he is.

I don't think you can say one way or another, if family court won't question OP about seeking medication for depression or whatever. They pull dirty, horrific tricks on women trying to safeguard their children against abusers. Horrific.

I would say this- once you are free of him, OP, you may find that your struggles dissappear overnight. You'll still need to process the effects of abuse, of course, but your life will improve immediately once you are not living with him.

From now on, OP, keep schtum. Be wiley. Don't tell him ANYTHING PERSONAL about yourself. Be a boring brick wall - read about grey rock, it's a technique for dealing with abusers.

Prepare yourself for dirty tricks. The Courts will allow him to have contact with the children, regardless of his behaviour. You are now about to play a game, and the deck is stacked against mothers. Trust very few people and be careful.

Yes getting some sort of release from writing all this down is good for you, and then to start getting some help,and making some plans for the future. All the stress and worry can be detrimental to your health, and to your children also.

Have you any idea what has made your partner such a nasty ,mean, and cruel individual,and is he getting worse by the day ?

i hope that you will be able to find some peace and happiness along the way very soon.

He’d be heartbroken - sorry? you really think he'd be 'heartbroken' that the people he abuses every day, calls names, bullies and belittles - actually leave him? I think he'd be - surprised, annoyed that his punchbag has left, that his domestic servants (cook, cleaner, washer, bill payer, sex maid, child-parenter, life admin worker etc etc etc) has left, and possibly a bit put out that now he has to do these things for himself (or go back to mummy for).

He will NOT be heartbroken, he doesn't care that much about you or anyone. If he cared, he wouldn't do it. He doesn't care, so he would be a LONG LONG way from heartbroken.

Get help, get out, be happy.

I'm wondering how the court will get access to the OPs private medical records.

I'm also wondering who has a crystal ball and knows what the future holds here. How does anyone know if this unemployed abuser will go to court for access?

This is probably awful advice, and someone far more knowledgeable than me will know better, but I'd hold off getting antidepressants.

Concentrate on leaving first. Then see if you start to feel better. It'll be difficult to come back off them once you start, and you've already come this far without them.

You're clearly stronger than you think.

Thank you all.
I’m sorry for those of you who have had to go through this shit but in awe of you for getting out.
I don’t say anything to him, even a work situation that I needed to vent and needed support with, he turned around to hurt me with it. It will be so nice to be able to breathe and parent in the way I always thought I would.

OP you will only fail your children if you stay with this pathetic excuse of a man.
You are a brave and caring person try and believe in yourself.
Phone womens aid they will be able to help/advise you in planning your future.
Good luck.

I need to work on being less angry with myself too. I’m so angry that we’ve missed out on so much, I should have left before kids, should have left sooner. So many should haves. It’s so hard walking around each day with someone who makes it clear they despise you. That’s why I don’t understand why we cannot just split up and talk about it, neither of us are happy.

OP, you're in a good position as you've got a deposit squirreled away and are ready to leave and move in somewhere else at short notice.

I would be wary of the medication as I think you'll find that when you've left you'll feel a whole lot better and anti depressants need to be weaned off over a period of time. I also think you'll feel better once you've got the ball properly rolling and things start happening.

Also to bear in mind if it's your name on the rental agreement with his parents is them chasing you for pament of the rent after you've gone. How can that be addressed?

Otherwise contact the people others have suggested, tell your doctor, get all your important documents together ready for a swift exit.

Good luck!

@Sadness21

I need to work on being less angry with myself too. I’m so angry that we’ve missed out on so much, I should have left before kids, should have left sooner. So many should haves. It’s so hard walking around each day with someone who makes it clear they despise you. That’s why I don’t understand why we cannot just split up and talk about it, neither of us are happy.

You're doing it now and that's what counts. Be kind to yourself.

@Sadness21

Thank you all. I’m sorry for those of you who have had to go through this shit but in awe of you for getting out. I don’t say anything to him, even a work situation that I needed to vent and needed support with, he turned around to hurt me with it. It will be so nice to be able to breathe and parent in the way I always thought I would.

Just try and remove yourself. If you don’t need meds after that, then great. If you do, then take them for your own well-being. I would log the abuse with your GP anyway,

Keep you and the kids happy and safe. If you need support from WA, then get it.

Other than that, line up your ducks, and go for it.

Don't be angry with yourself and don't look back. Look forward, make plans and get yourself and your kids out of there. You sound very caring for your children and with a sensible head, the opposite of him, so use that to escape.You don't deserve this.

No advice I'm afraid, but I am so very happy you posted here today. You are amazing, and once you are rid of this monster you will all be so much better off.

@username18702

I'm wondering how the court will get access to the OPs private medical records.

I'm also wondering who has a crystal ball and knows what the future holds here. How does anyone know if this unemployed abuser will go to court for access?

1. Court ordered access to education records is a thing
2. So is legal aid

Being arsey about advice for caution is a bit shitty of you.

Medical, not education, stupid phone.

You’ll be so much happier when you’ve left this nasty twat!

Okay, I think I will go to the GP anyway to get things logged, tell them how I’m feeling but I’m sure it’s as a reaction to my situation. Then I will get a date sorted with a friend so that I can make calls etc. I will probably have to leave with nothing but I’d rather just be out. I can start again and I do have lots of lovely friends luckily.