any experience with a partner that doesn't "finish"?

[whiteboatriver]

Both in 40s, known each other as friends for several years, gradually got closer, got together as a couple in the last 3 months, we get on very well, we know each others background, no baggage for either of use with respect to ex, kids, etc.

DTD one or three times a week. Everything good for me, very attentive, but I noticed he'd be OK to keep going, I also noticed no leakage, mess, etc. On Fri, I finally asked if everything is OK, and he said he could not finish.

I'm away, but we'll meet up again on Wed, and wanted to carry on that discussion.

Any experience with something like that?

So does he never finish?

Not me, but a friend. She got together with a guy who didn’t finish for the first few months they were together. Combination of nerves and he had been single for a while, so I think he had that wanking death-grip thing. Things improved once his nerves faded a bit and they had a conversation so she knew what he liked. Good luck!

Yes, I have had this experience with an ex. Turned out he was taking a very high dose of an SSRI and he said that was the cause. I accepted this as the truth as it’s something I’d heard of before. We still had a good sex life despite this.

In the plot of a novel by Rachel Cusk, it was from smoking cocaine. Try to rule that out anyway.

With DH, if he has a little too much to drink, then everything is in working order so to speak, we can do all the usual stuff we enjoy, but he sometimes can't orgasm.

Could it be something to do with refractory period? Maybe he has had a wank before meeting with you, and then can't manage a 2nd one. DH needs about 2 hours between.

There is a hint of double standards on this topic too.

Imagine the case of a woman who doesn't orgasm? Not sure people would be suggesting that she's on coke, SSRI, or having quick wank before meeting up.

I’m not suggesting he’s on anything or done anything. I’ve shared MY experience with a partner who didn’t finish, as the OP asked for.

@ItsDifferentFor

Um...no. what world do you live in? Its trickier for a lot of women to orgasm through sex alone whereas men, generally, finish every time. I'd question it too.

I think you should ask him what he thinks is the reason for it and go from there.

@ItsDiferrentFor That made me laugh so much

I have encountered this. I was initially suprised as my previous partners had been more the opposite - quick to come from penetration so it needed to be avoided til the last minute !

It would be good to talk about other ways he can finish - maybe he needs to DIY with a bit of help from you?

Apologies, my post was a little flippant. Clearly the OP needs to discuss with the partner, but I'd guess the purpose of replies is to give her some idea and food for thought prior to that discussion.

Apart from the usual suspects (drugs, death grip) I'd expect there are a small certain number of people that never orgasm? There was a post a few months ago about a woman that NEVER had an orgasm (alone, with partner, etc.)

That could be the case for him? If yes, then it may be a sensitive topic for him? IRL I certainly know of nobody that admitted they never had an orgasm (OK it's not a topic of general conversation, but sex is something I've discussed with a few close friends over the years).

Also, OP how do you feel about it? Why do you want to know? Does it actually make a difference for you?

I hope the discussion goes well, and you learn what you need.

Thanks for the replies. This is new for me, so the posts will help me.

Some of the replies also challenge me too, which is good. We know each other very well. We work in the same industry, I also know his ex-wife from sports club; she is lovely. There is not even a suggestion of drug use that. I doubt the SSRI, but could be possible.

I guess what's bothering me is why he never mentioned it? It's also feels a bit strange that I'm asking this now after so long. You would think it should be totally obvious, but believe me it wasn't.

Anyway, thanks for the helpful thoughts.

Death grip.
I couldn't be bothering with this and would not looking to move on.

Experience? Mine, FWIW, was with a very functional cokehead who hid his habit well. I put it down to that and him not being that into me, ultimately. He never said this, but I couldn’t help but wonder and you know what? I got tired of wondering.
It just became a drag after a while and that was that. We remained friends for several years. He was very fetishy… a peculiar guy, in all honesty. Too much work.

@LivingLaVidaCovid, that could be and I'd not know, and I'll ask about that. He is very considerate, makes sure I'm looked after.

--> Question: How did you find the real reason? How long did it take you to figure out?

@TheVanguardSix, I'd really discounted any illegal drugs due to our work and testing. His well established career would be finished. Not unusual fetish stuff here, just fairly mainstream (if anything, there are a few extra thing I'd like to do!)

--> Same Question: How did you find the real reason? How long did it take you to figure out?

@ItsDifferentFor, I actually found that older MN post. I know many can't get there with PIV alone (in fact I'm typically one of those!), but to never had an orgasm in whole life? That's not something I considered. I can't imagine going through life without experiencing it.

Yep
Death grip / porn was the cause

Yes. He admitted to watching shit loads of porn and also had a wank about 5 times a day so it was death grip.

In the end it made me feel like shit. I don't care if it's double standards. I left.

What's death grip?

Antidepressants can cause this, also some women's anatomy doesn't provide sufficient friction basically. Been there.

Death grip is where the man masturbates while holding his penis very tightly. He is so used to the grip that he can't get the same feelings from a vagina.

My experience with someone into coke is that they could orgasm but found it difficult to get or keep an erection.

SSRIs make it difficult to orgasm
Nerves
Booze
Fear of pregnancy

I would leave it for a while OP and see if it resolves itself. If it's through death grip then not masturbating for a while helps bring back sensitivity.

Another contributing factor could be a fetish that you don't know about.

OP, if you look up anorgasmia you'll find some resources. It seems extraordinary to me, but "primary anorgasmia" means a person has never had an orgasm. I've never heard this mentioned in real life, since I doubt it is something that would be mentioned even for intimate conversations.

However did you not notice? For PIV, would you not notice afterwards? For outside or oral it should be even more obvious based on my experience?

Lots of this death grip/porn suggestions.
Perhaps he's just conscious of lasting out and concentrating on your pleasure. There is a pressure on guys to be able to last and performance issues.
I've certainly had this in new relationships, it's not all down to porn & wanking.

Evidence could easily be missed if always using a condom, which could make it more difficult to cum too?

I was in a LTR with a partner that had type 1 diabetes, and everything worked, but his volume was small, it's a known sometimes related issue (hhaha there are some advantages with less clean up compared to my DH too!)

Can he orgasm by masturbation then? Can't he or you finish him off after sex?

It would be a problem if you wanted children.

I think I wouldn't enjoy sex as much with a man that never orgasms to be honest.