any experience with a partner that doesn't "finish"?

[whiteboatriver]

Both in 40s, known each other as friends for several years, gradually got closer, got together as a couple in the last 3 months, we get on very well, we know each others background, no baggage for either of use with respect to ex, kids, etc.

DTD one or three times a week. Everything good for me, very attentive, but I noticed he'd be OK to keep going, I also noticed no leakage, mess, etc. On Fri, I finally asked if everything is OK, and he said he could not finish.

I'm away, but we'll meet up again on Wed, and wanted to carry on that discussion.

Any experience with something like that?

Also, if you are being well looked after (and it seems you are), then what is the problem really??

There is a condition called Retrograde ejaculation where semen enters the bladder instead of out of the penis. It's not harmful but means infertility. Also called Dry orgasm so reaching climax but no "cum".

Do you enjoy sex with him OP?
Are you planning on having children?
If you’re genuinely happy with the status quo and not planning on having children, then there’s not really a problem. I mean, it may bother some people but if the sex in itself is, in your opinion, good and you’re enjoying it, then it’s probably not worth overly analysing.

Take a look at Delayed Ejaculation, see if this helps

www.nhs.uk/conditions/ejaculation-problems/

I think most men have sex to achieve orgasm. For that reason, although he might quite enjoy sex without it, or enjoy pleasuring a partner, I suspect his sex drive would be low and might peter out in a long term relationship.

Already you say he's pretty unadventurous in the bedroom.

@ItsDifferentFor @whiteboatriver

Around 10% of women have primary anorgamia (they have never had an orgasm). It may not be spoken about very much, but it is actually quite common!

I do have a friend who actually has spoken with me about her primary anorgasmia, and I'm assuming I must know more women who have it but haven't shared it with me.

@Strikethrough, wow that's an amazing statistic. 10% never ever had an orgasm! I wonder why that is not discussed more, it seems a huge issue.

I know a lot of people could be selfish and don't care so about their partner in short term encounters. But it must have a huge impact on their long term relationships, i.e., being in a long term relationship with a person that can't cum must suck.

I'm sorry I can't answer some of the questions, because I don't know from his side. I'd prefer to have the discussion face-to-face next week.

I wouldn't say unadventurous, just standard stuff, which is mostly fine with me. I'm always satisfied, and have enjoyed it. He is kind, good circle of friends, hobbies, very good job, own home, attractive (most all the same things are true for me I should add)

@TheVanguardSix, No requirement for kids on my side, my DS is mostly away with his Dad since he started college his life is more there than here, am not considering another at all!!!

I'm enjoying the relationship. It's just a new experience for me. Why does it matter if he finishes or not? It shouldn't? Confused as to why it even on my mind.

@TwoBrownSugars It's not women who have never orgasmed with a partner, it's women who've NEVER orgasmed either with a partner or alone (so while I'm sure a certain proportion could be down to selfish partners as you mention, this is women who don't orgasm through masturbation either).

For what it's worth my anorgasmic friend is happily married (I guess she could have lied to me about that, but given how honest she's been in other areas I'm fairly certain!) with a child and more planned and says that she enjoys sex, she just can't orgasm. In her case I think it's a combination of the messages she was given as a child about female sexuality (I think it was very much viewed as "something that's really for men", when it was discussed at all, and the implication was that "good girls" shouldn't be too interested in it but rather sort of lie back and think of England), a failure therefore to explore her own body as a teenager and obviously potentially something physical. Her husband is apparently very understanding and enthusiastic with trying but I suppose it must affect their relationship on some level. It doesn't seem to be a major issue between them though.

Why does it matter? It shouldn't

It would matter to me if I'm honest. It's a fantastic experience to both orgasm and I find it a real turn on to see my husband orgasm. I would also think he would have a low libido if he's not in pursuit of an orgasm, just focused on pleasuring someone else.

If I don't orgasm at the end of sex, I feel quite unfulfilled and certainly don't have that rush of exhilarating hormones that seem to bond you with a partner in that post coital bliss.

You're sensibly talking it over with him. Perhaps he's never looked into why this an issue for him? He may be very insecure and slightly in denial about the whole thing. I wouldn't find it an issue if he was climaxing and just not producing semen. As you say, you're not wanting to reproduce!

It's great you're not brushing it under the carpet and ignoring this. Sometimes little niggles in an early relationship become great gaping chasms over time.

@Strikethrough, thanks for that additional context. You mentioned ..."I suppose it must affect their relationship on some level" ... I would think it really has to over time.

At least it would for me. I like to see/feel my partner cum.

I had this with an ex.
I suspect it was emotional reasons for him.

I do get it doesn't happen for everyone every time. But that is very different from NEVER.

@Strikethrough, I'm amazed that your friend know about the problem, but maybe has not addressed it. You'd think it would be easy for her to figure out? especially since she said she enjoys sex and would know what she likes, what feels good, etc.

My DH sometimes takes ages or just doesn't finish. It used to happened a lot more often when we first got together (partly because he has less opportunity for the death grip these days, partly because he doesn't worry so much about finishing and psyching himself out ). A slow build up helps a lot, if we've spent the day sending dirty messages or if we've been half asleep and lazily building up to something he always always finishes.

I find the "never had an orgasm" mind boggling, but then again it's likely something not discussed much. I'd always assumed that it something we all (men included) figure out themselves naturally. Nobody told me what to do, I didn't get any lessons.

Solo, I'd assume it'd assumed it is universal to discover that in teens? Of course adding a partner in to the mix makes things better, but also more complex, and there is a learning curve for sure.

Think about your own experience OP. Some things I'd wonder about:

• Did he ever, or really never ever?
• Is everything OK when he goes solo?
• Is there something else that he'd like me to try to help?

Also, you mention an ex; was everything OK there? Does he have kids?

I guess you have to be careful and sensitive with this too, it should not feel like a crime suspect interview!!

@OneToFive I didn't experience an orgasm until I was in my late 20s and 10 years into having sex. Just didn't know how to (internet wasn't what it is now) and it took a boyfriend being a bit pushy to force me into finding out. Still enjoyed sex though.

I read a lot of romance fiction as a teen and it was all supposed to happen as if by magic. That and raised in an environment that nice girls don't makes it harder for girls to know what to do. And we dont have anything obvious like an erection.

@Sakurami, oh wow that is interesting. I guess you have something thank your "pushy boyfriend" for? Wonder what would have happened without that.

It's not something that widely discussed I guess, but from the few people I've discussed those types of things over the years it seemed a universal teenage discovery, in fact we would share advice.

In theory I guess is it could be the exact same OP partner. He enjoys sex, never experimented, and doesn't know what is needed for him?

A universal teenage discovery I agree r.e masturbation.

Op, I think it's far more likely your partner can't finish but has been able to orgasm in the past or on his own. This is statistically more likely to be due to psychological hang ups or emotional baggage than a medical reason, or perhaps simply nerves.
There's no mention of serious health issues or medication which might affect ejaculation?

I hope you can resolve it together. I think it is an issue for you which is why you started this thread. There's nothing wrong with feeling a bit weird about his confession.

My partner can struggle with this and I don’t think it’s porn/death grip. I think upon initially entering he could quickly orgasm so tries to delay and this can result in him going off into a headspace that he struggles to come back from… could it be this?

If he never does I would think porn/ death grip. This would really bother me to be honest

@workshy44, would it bother you if it was not porn death grip? Just curious.

It's also interesting that it was an issue for @Sakurami BF in the past. Even though it's clear from her post that the problem was not the female equivalent of porn death grip if such a thing exists :)

Is called Delayed Ejaculation (male orgasm disorder)
Several reasons, mixture of physical and psychological

www.nhs.uk/conditions/ejaculation-problems/

I'm a bit sceptical about this death grip thing. It's become like folklore on here, with posters announcing it with dramatic flourish whenever male performance issues are mentioned. I imagine it spoken about in hushed shocked tones.

I can understand if a heavy reliance on porn and looking at very extreme or taboo erotic acts would desensitise a man to "normal" sex but the way he grips himself causes him to lose interest in sex? Isn't it more likely he has developed a fetish for porn and all its extremities.

Could you test whether he was suffering with the Death grip affliction by gripping his penis in a vice like grip and seeing what happened?

I doubt this is the case here. It's possible he has an odd fetish he uses to get off and is too embarrassed to discuss it with a partner.

Yes. An ex who blamed previous trauma, which I did believe, but eventually I later unearthed porn addiction. Don't know if this was in fact the primary cause or something that he'd developed as a release. He said he had never been able to finish with a partner, only ever on his own. It did me in, in the end, I have to be honest.